


God's Plan

by Pandoras_loss



Series: Changing Fate series [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-09-11 18:35:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 47
Words: 150,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9001912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandoras_loss/pseuds/Pandoras_loss
Summary: Fifth in the Changing Fate Series. This is an alternate universe of Supernatural Season 7.Dean, Sam, Cas, and Beth are muddling through and trying to pick up the pieces of a decimated planet.  With Raphael gone, is it time to start thinking about retiring?  With everything that has been done and all they have been through, what part does God play in all of it?  Was this plan all along to test his chosen for an even bigger task?  Making deals with the Devil is never good, but when they come from God, are they too good for some to resist?





	1. Breaking Down

**Author's Note:**

> It is strongly advised that people read This Is Your Choice (Part 1), Regrets Lead Nowhere Good (Part 2), Finding Survivors (Part 3), and Rising Up Through the Ashes (Part 4) first.
> 
> I do not own the rights or credit for creating Supernatural or the characters from the show, including: Sam and Dean Winchester, Castiel, Bobby Singer, Chuck, Adam Milligan, Rufus Turner, Michael, Jody Mills, Ben Braeden, or Pamela Barnes, to name a few.
> 
> Original characters created by me: Rachel McCoy, Elsbeth (Beth) Foley, Stephen Riley, Ivan and Yuri, and many of the survivors.
> 
> Chapters are written in the the first person when the point of view comes from Beth, and alternating chapters are written in the third person when the point of view comes from another character that is the focus. Typically, the focus of the third person chapters is mentioned in the first or second sentence.
> 
> There is bad language and graphic violence in this. There is also sex.

_What the fuck is wrong with everyone? Why the hell aren’t we figuring out a way to get Crowley back, so we can find out if he got rid of Raphael? Why are we sitting here? We should be getting back to the camp. We should be getting back to Rogue. What if the daevas aren’t gone yet? What if they attacked again last night? Rogue needs us . . . well, she needs Dean. I guess she has Sam, but she needs her Dad. She doesn’t need me._

_I was always going to walk into being a parent at a disadvantage, but any chance I had at attempting not to be an absolute disaster was taken from me. The oxytocin that would’ve helped with bonding after she was born was long gone by the time I ever met her. Even after I met her, I didn’t know who she was. I didn’t interact with her the way I would have. She doesn’t know who I am. She has no idea that I haven’t done any of the things with her that I’d planned on doing. She doesn’t know that I carried her for 9 months and that she’d terrified me, but I’d thought about her all the time, or that I’d wanted a girl. I never said that to anyone._

_I had things I wanted to do with her that I can’t do now. She has Sam, and she has Dean, but I’ve been cut out of it, and I can’t get it back._

_Spending time with her is something that should be private, but people will watch how we interact together even more now that I can remember my life. They already watch me, like a wild animal in a zoo, to make sure I don’t kill my young and then they remove her from my care if they think that I make any mistakes with her. It’ll be worse now._

_Any mistakes I make with her now will be overly scrutinized, because I had an excuse before, but they won’t think that now. I may have talked to her at night and helped teach her to crawl, but now I know . . . I’m no different than Jody or Olga or any of the others that sometimes babysit her at the camp. I’m not her family. Nobody thinks I am, and she definitely doesn’t. How could she? I’ve never acted like her Mom._

_And when I’d thought of her as mine before she was born . . . I’d thought I’d at least be able to protect her from the things out there that might want to hurt her if I couldn’t do anything else, but I went to Heaven, and started the civil war there. It spilled over and went straight for her. I know she’s scared of fire because of the changelings. She didn’t take her eyes off of the ring of holy fire for the few brief moments I saw her in Denver. Will she be scared of the dark now because of the Daevas?_

_I have to make sure they’re gone. I need to talk to Crowley, and I need to do it fast, because if Cas couldn’t contain the souls for more than a few weeks on that show . . . Crowley is a lesser being. He won’t last that long. I need to find out about Raphael and the daevas._

“I don’t understand what this has to do with anything that’s important right now,” I finally said in frustration, because all it seemed like they wanted to do was talk about absolute rubbish that had nothing to do with the task at hand. 

“Are you listening to any of this, Beth?” 

I looked at Dean. “No, not really. We have other things to do.” 

Dean directed his attention to Gabriel to see if I was making it all up for some reason, and Gabriel shook his head before looking at me. “She’s not, and I don’t blame her. A trying year? That’s an understatement . . . Her mind is going a million miles a second, but she can only focus on one or two things right now, not this.” 

I guess without meaning to do it, I’d filled him in on how hard this last year had been. Pushing my hands down on my knees, I stood up to go, and Dean said, “Sit down, Beth. We’re not done with –“ 

And Cas said, “She is not a dog for you to command,” which sparked them off, and Gabriel gave me a nod to let me know he’d keep them at it long enough I could slip away unnoticed. 

I walked east for about 45 minutes, eventually found a vehicle I could use, and was off on my way to South Dakota. If they were flying by angel wings, they’d get there before me, but at least I’d have a bit of time to myself. That’s what I needed. I felt like my head was full of 1000s of different voices all shouting and beckoning for me to acknowledge them, and the only thing that kept them quiet was having a clear goal to focus on. At the moment, that goal was finding Crowley and finding a way to – 

My thoughts were cut off as Crowley landed in the seat next to me. “Was kind of hoping for a quiet ride, but if anyone is here, I’m glad it’s you,” I said relaxing some. “How’s being all-powerful? Is it everything you hoped it would be?” 

He turned his attention to the view out of the windshield and said, “I have to watch my temper more. Demons are morons. They could be wiped out by tomorrow if I’m not careful. Raphael is dead as agreed. It will take more time to kill all the daevas, but they should be gone by tonight. I haven’t come across the other things released with them yet. I may find them useful, or I may find them repulsive and extinguish them . . . Anyway, I came for my fix. 100 mL of blood if I remember correctly.” 

_Why didn’t I think of that?_ I guess I didn’t think he’d be jonesing for my blood after he got the souls, but if he was, that meant he’d be in contact with us daily. “Not that I’m complaining, but I’m kind of surprised you still need it with all that power,” I answered as I pulled over.

“If anything the cravings have gotten stronger. I am trying to keep my end of the bargain by not cracking open as many humans as I can find. I’m hoping you’ll help me take the edge off,” Crowley said while he watched me grab a knife. 

I found something to catch the blood in before I cut my arm and then gave the cup to him after I guestimated the amount he wanted. I didn’t like the way he was eyeing my cut, so I cut a strip off of the bottom of my shirt and tied it around my arm to stop the bleeding. “Stop looking at my arm. That’s all your getting for now.” 

He gave me a dark look and asked, “Who would stop me?” 

I took my eyes off the road and focused on him with a dark look of my own. “How about the real God I still have on speed dial?” He backed off a little, so I said, “Want to take me to Raphael, so I can verify?” 

“You’re not afraid me?” Nope. Fear was the single most important emotion had to block myself from feeling right now given what a lot of the voices screaming in my head wanted me to remember. Anger and annoyance seemed to be able to get through without too much of a problem. Humor did too . . . being sad might seep through somewhat even though I tried not to feel it, but fear was not something I could let myself feel for any reason.

“What if I said I could kill you with the snap of my fingers before you could get a prayer out?” 

“Power already starting to corrupt you? If you need help with it, let me know,” I responded while making direct eye contact with him to let him know I wasn’t afraid. 

“You’re just going to shove me into Purgatory.” 

“All I’d have to do is ask God to put you there now if that’s what I were going to do.” How was that for bluffing? God helps when and how He wants whenever he feels like it. It must’ve been good enough, because Crowley snapped his fingers, and we were standing in Heaven a moment later. 

It wasn’t dark anymore, but it was desolate. There wasn’t a soul or angel in sight. All the once pristine halls were covered from top to bottom with the burnt out shapes of angel wings. This was not the Heaven I remembered. We made a turn down a corridor I knew. I’d been down it once before. 

There was no discernible shape of wings down that hall because the entire hall was blackened to the point that it almost shut out the light. When we got to Raphael’s office door, his room looked like a bomb had gone off in there. I could just make out what was left of an altar in the back of the room. It must’ve been what he’d used to control the daevas. 

“You’re sure it was Raphael and not Michael?” I asked turning to look at Crowley. Crowley snapped his fingers again, and someone appeared beside us. _Oh no._

Michael was in chains and looked bloodied and beaten. He didn’t look like John anymore. He was in a meat suit that wouldn’t be able to hold him. I didn’t know the meat suit, but I knew it was Michael. I just did. Crowley must’ve found it for him, so he could hold him somewhere on Earth.

“You didn’t say I couldn’t have my fun with him . . . just that he couldn’t be killed,” Crowley said gauging my response. 

_Fun? Doing that to him isn’t for fun . . . You’re planning to turn the most powerful angel of all time into one of those yellow-eyed demons, so he’ll work for you._ I tried not to let any emotion or thoughts escape me. I hadn’t wanted this to happen to Michael. He may have made mistakes up here, but he deserved respect, not to be chained and degraded by a demon. 

“My associates have more fun when I’m away. Can I still expect your help in getting rid of the souls when I decide I’ve had enough of them?” I looked from Crowley to Michael. If I let those souls in Crowley kill him, then whoever Crowley had working Michael over wouldn’t stop. Michael wasn’t just a new toy for Crowley. He was also Crowley’s leverage. I just couldn’t let him know how much leverage he actually had.

“I already said I would. Can’t believe you have all this power, and this is the best you can come up with as far as using it goes.” Crowley snapped his fingers, and Michael disappeared. 

“So, where were you heading? Maybe I could drop you off,” Crowley said nonchalantly while he turned to head back down the hall. 

“I was heading to Bobby’s.” 

Crowley held up the Death tablet he must’ve taken from Raphael’s office. _Fuck. What have I done?_ I’d completely forgotten about the tablets Raphael had. “Might be something useful in this. Think I’ll hold onto it along with the other two . . . in the event I decide to put the souls back. These should increase my power nicely without needing the souls.” 

_Not without Kevin or Metatron._ But he was almost on the level of God right now, so he could find them anywhere. As if to answer that thought even though I knew I was blocking him, Crowley said, “I’ll find you when I’m ready to give the souls back, and I expect more blood tomorrow. I know where you are at all times now,” just before he snapped his fingers, and I was standing in Bobby’s front yard feeling the first pangs of panic and guilt. _Oh, I really fucked up . . . I really, really fucked up._

_God, if you’re still listening, could you find a way to keep Crowley and his demons and other followers from finding Kevin and Metatron._ Why would God listen to that? I’d destroyed everything. I started the civil war in Heaven, and now Heaven was a wasteland. The Army from Hell had been unleashed . . . people were dead because of Heaven’s civil war . . . kids in this camp were dead because of what I did. Then I messed up Cas’s plan and let Crowley have all the souls, which would’ve been fine, but now Michael was in chains and . . . Michael. 

_God I know you’re God and have other things to do, like play skeet ball in Jersey or something, so you tend to answer one thing at a time, but what about Michael? Could you free him from Crowley, or does that infringe on the first thing I asked? Are you even listening to me anymore? If you are, and only one thing can be done, choose one to answer . . . it’s up to you. My decisions have been wrong lately. I don’t think I’m up to it right now._

I heard Sam somewhere nearby asking if I was all right? I didn’t look at him until he put his hands on my shoulders to get my attention. I don’t know what he said after that. Sound was going funny and being watered down. I could feel myself slipping down towards those screams in my head that wanted me to remember them, and I had nothing to cling to . . . no goal to stop me from being swallowed up by that pit of anguish and terror.

Then I felt like I was floating. _Why is he carrying me? I’m okay. I just need to focus on something . . . the patterns of his shirt. I can focus on those. I can’t mess up the patterns on his shirt._ I rested my head against his chest and stared at his shirt while he carried me into the house. “You have a nice shirt, Sam.” 

He looked over his shoulder and said something to somebody downstairs before he looked down at me. “Uh, thanks.” 

He put me on my bed and turned to leave, but I didn’t want him to go. “I think – will you – can you stay with me, so I can look at your shirt. It’s the only thing that makes sense right now. I’m trying to hold on . . . I need to focus on something that’s not everything.” 

Sam came back over to the bed, and I moved over, so he could lie next to me. When he put his arm awkwardly around me, I laid my head against his chest again. I needed Sam to help me through this. He was the only one I didn’t have a strong emotional connection to and the only one that didn’t have one with me, and most importantly, he couldn’t read my mind. I needed my mind to be my own for a while.  
I must’ve said all of that out loud, because Sam said, “You think it’ll make it worse if I get Dean?” 

I nodded. “Just you, Sam, and don’t let them fight around me.” He didn’t know what I meant, but he’d find out soon enough. I trusted him to take care of it. 

“Wanna tell me what happened?” he tried half an hour later. 

I bit my bottom lip to try and keep from tearing up and kept my focus on his plaid shirt. “I messed up, Sam. I really messed up. Raphael is dead and the daevas should be gone by tonight, but Michael is in chains, and Crowley has 3 tablets. He has all the souls from Purgatory. He’ll be by tomorrow for more of my blood for his addiction. If I don’t give it to him, the contract is null and void, and he’ll go on a bender and drink other people’s blood. I broke Heaven, Hell, and Earth. The people here are dead because of me.” 

He rubbed my arm to try and comfort me, while he said, “We all make mistakes.” That was an understatement. A few minutes later, he asked, “Still trying to keep those memories at bay?” 

I nodded. “I already have them. I got them at the same time I got my other memories. I’m trying not to feel anything about them, but I’m losing. I deserve to lose, but it’ll probably kill me if it happens all at once. I don’t want to die. If I die, I’ll disappear. My soul won’t make it if I die before it’s whole.” 

He was quiet for a minute before he asked, “Since when?” 

“Since always. I just didn’t know about it until today. The same way I didn’t know Gabriel was my real dad until today.” 

He sighed and changed the subject by asking when the last time I ate was. I shrugged while running a finger down a white line in his shirt. White was the side I thought I’d been on and it’s where I wanted to be, but black is where I’d gone. “I think I had pizza before Cas picked me up in Denver to take me to Heaven.” 

He snorted. “That was over five weeks ago.” Then he realized I was being serious and asked when the last time I’d slept was. 

“’bout the same . . . can’t sleep . . . have to focus on something . . . keep moving . . . all I want to focus on now is this shirt.” 

He relaxed before saying, “Okay . . . take as long as you need. I’m not going anywhere.” I nodded. I knew he wouldn’t. That’s why I’d needed his help.


	2. Caretaker

At least Beth was talking to him. That had to be a good sign. Maybe talking was what she needed. Sam remembered how Dean helped her when she’d had her flashback of Heaven by getting her to talk about it. 

When he first saw her standing outside still covered in her own blood from when she was in Heaven and with fresh blood dripping down her arm, she had a vacant expression on her face. He’d thought something had gone wrong and Cas and Dean were hurt or dead, but she was just having a good old-fashioned breakdown. 

Raphael being dead was a good thing, a very good thing. Sam didn’t really care if Michael was in chains. Crowley having three tablets was a concern, but they could deal with that as long as they didn’t have to deal with daevas every night, and the daevas should be gone by tonight. They’d had some come back last night, but it was nothing like the night before because they’d been prepared for it. Those wards Beth knew had helped take away some of their bite. 

Dean, Cas, Gabriel, Beth, Rogue, and him were alive. Yes, some people here died, but it wasn’t as bad as Sam had originally thought it’d be. They’d lost 28 out of 1000. It could’ve been so much worse, and that wasn’t her fault. Raphael let those daevas out of their cage. Overall, they’d had a win, which is what they’d needed. She didn’t look like she was up for hearing that right now, so he wouldn’t say it for the time being. 

Sam still didn’t quite understand why she was coming to him for help, but he’d do what she needed him to do to get her through this. He understood what she’d said. They weren’t close, and he couldn’t read her mind. He just wasn’t sure why that was important to her. He thought maybe it was because Dean was all action all the time, and she needed some peace from that. She’d been running on empty for too long, and she needed to crash. 

Speaking of Dean, Sam sighed when he heard his brother slam the front door and call for him. He wasn’t sure how he was going to keep Dean out of here, but it looked like Beth genuinely didn’t want to see him based on how she’d reacted to the sound of Dean’s voice. “Think you’ll be all right if I go talk to him?” 

She asked if he’d leave the flannel, so he took it off and handed it to her. Maybe that’s what he should’ve done at the start, but he thought she needed to be comforted by somebody. Maybe he could use this time away from her to make her something to eat. She had to eat and sleep. He wondered if she’d even had any water. Probably not. 

When Sam got to the top of the stairs, he heard Dean shout, “This is your fault. If you hadn’t done what you did, she wouldn’t have run off.” 

Apparently, it was Cas, Dean was yelling at, because Cas was fast with a retort. “You’re anger is the reason she left. You are not good for her. I should have never returned her to you. Her soul has not been rebuilt since I did.” 

Sam headed downstairs, and Gabriel was sitting on the couch with Rogue. He must’ve taken her from Jody. The archangel was ignoring Dean and Cas and putting all his attention into helping Rogue do the same by giving her presents. Sam had the feeling this had been going on for a while, and Gabriel was tired of dealing with it.

“You guys talking about Beth? She’s upstairs,” Sam said pointing his thumb behind him when he hit the floor. He stepped in front of Dean and put his arm out to stop Cas while he added, “She doesn’t want to see either one of you right now.” 

Dean pulled himself up to his full height and said, “But she wants you? Why the hell did you cover for her earlier . . . you got a thing for her too?” 

_Uhhh, what? No._ “No, she wants me to help her, because I don’t have any emotional ties to her, and because she doesn’t want anyone around that can read her mind. She needs a break, and I did the right thing earlier. This camp needed you, and Beth was fine with Cas.” 

“Yeah, she was fine with Cas, and Cas was more than fine trying to seduce her all damn day . . . she gave him part of her soul. Now he has the power to do whatever he wants with her, and fuck if he isn’t trying to use it,” Dean answered before trying to go around Sam again. 

Sam took a step back to intercept Dean again and said, “Seriously, Dean. She can’t handle it right now. If you go up there . . . I don’t know what’ll happen. She was talking about not wanting to die, and she felt like she was losing her battle to focus on anything that’s not the memories you don’t want her to have. You need to let me deal with it.” Dean took a step back and asked if she really said that before he looked up the stairs to their room, so Sam nodded.

Dean turned around and looked at Cas. “That’s your fault too. You just had to tell her what that contract meant on top of everything else . . . and –“ 

Cas cut him off with a glare. “You are the one that wanted to take more of her soul. Perhaps she would already be whole if you had not threatened that.” 

Dean nodded and said, “Sure. All right. I said that, but you actually did it.” 

“Perhaps if you had accepted her as she was, her soul would’ve continued to grow when I gave her back to you, and maybe if you had not stayed in her soul and decided to make her experience her memories of Heave –“ 

“Seem to remember you being there for that one too.” 

“But you are the one that –“ 

“You were there too, Cas. She sent you in to kick me out, and what did you do? You helped me do it.” _They made her relive being tortured in Heaven against her will by going into her soul? What the hell have they been doing to her?_ Her day had been worse than Sam had thought. No wonder she was having a breakdown.

Sam headed past Dean and caught a look from Gabriel that said something along the lines of ‘Now you see what I’ve had to put up with.’ While that was true, Gabriel wasn’t exactly innocent in all of this either. Gabriel decided that today was the day to tell her she was his daughter. That meant she was a nephilim. Maybe not a whole one . . . maybe she was all human, and Rachel got the grace, but it definitely explained why things were odd about her, like her not understanding her emotions . . . and here Cas and Dean were messing around with things she didn’t understand on top of everything else. No wonder she didn’t want them around her. 

Sam started making Beth some food. They’d gotten a decent shipment in from the Wisconsin camps a couple of weeks ago. The bread was a nice surprise. Apparently one of the outposts had decided bread was going to be their specialty. They’d just had to start finding enough flour to make it. He knew she liked poached eggs more than fried and scrambled, or at least that’s what she used to order years ago when they were on the road hunting. He thought she made scrambled or fried eggs at home, because she couldn’t make poached eggs. When she tried, they looked messed up and half of them were lost in the water. 

They’d gotten some bacon from Kansas, and he knew she loved that, so he took out a couple of pieces and started frying them while he waited for the water to heat up for the eggs. He knew she liked milk too, so he poured a glass of that and gave her another slice of home baked bread with homemade cheese. 

Gabriel finally separated Dean and Cas, so Dean followed Sam into the kitchen about 10 minutes later. “What are you doing?” 

“I told her I would take care of her, so that’s what I’m going to do.” 

Dean pointed at what Sam was cooking and said, “So, you’re making her favorite breakfast? What the-“ 

Sam turned around to face Dean, so he could shut him up. “You need to get a grip, Dean. She’s been back from Heaven for over a day and still hasn’t eaten or slept . . . and I know you haven’t had any sleep either, but maybe you need to get some, because you need to take it down a few notches.” Sam paused until Dean backed down and then added, “Did you know that she made a deal to give Crowley blood every day, so he won’t kill other people to get it, or have you been too wrapped up in this Cas thing to find out what kind of deals she made? How is she supposed to have a healthy mind or have enough blood to do that if she doesn’t have a healthy body? So, yeah . . . I’m making her favorite breakfast, because she needs someone to be kind to her, and I’m going to try and get her to sleep, and I’m staying with her, because she needs some human contact from someone that doesn’t want to control her or fight over her or want to read her mind. She needs peace and quiet.”

Dean bit the inside of his cheek before he said, “But how do you know –“ 

Sam turned in frustration, so he could start plating up the extra crispy bacon and said, “I used to watch every move she made to find something that indicated she was working for Lilith. I know what she eats . . . I don’t know what happened with Cas, but I’m not Cas. I’m your brother, and you need to get it together. Sounds to me like you and Cas both did some pretty crappy things to her today . . . a day that actually lasted 5 weeks for her and includes her finding out that if she dies, she’ll disappear. And I can tell you now, she has no idea what you and Cas are fighting about either, and she probably never will, but it’s making things worse.” 

Sam paused again as he grabbed some silverware. “And since you haven’t asked where she’s been since she left the three of you . . . she’s been alone with a God-like Crowley. Raphael is dead, so for me that’s a win, but she’s upset because Crowley has Michael chained up somewhere. Crowley has the 3 tablets that Raphael had, and she thinks she’s to blame for that along with the civil war in Heaven and everyone that died here at the camp. It’s too much for anyone to handle . . . if you want her to cope, than back off.” Sam turned, plate in hand and moved past Gabriel and Cas in the living room before heading back upstairs to Beth’s room feeling like he needed a break from them himself.

When Sam got through the door, she was sitting cross-legged on the bed eyeing his shirt hard. She’d started sewing up a hole she’d found and had stopped at some point because of what she’d heard downstairs. Sewing was her trying to fix something on a manageable level, so she’d been making some small strides in trying to get it together, but she’d had to go back to staring at the shirt to focus again. He actually felt really bad for her. 

She was a foot shorter than him, and he’d never questioned how she could hunt despite her physical limitations. She was a great hunter, but she didn’t look like one right now. She was not the same woman who destroyed Crowley’s entire topside army when she was 9 months pregnant. She wasn’t the same woman who brought down his Vegas operation. She wasn’t the same woman that he’d seen in Heaven taking on angels to protect him either. 

If you went back a to what happened before she went to break Gabriel out of Heaven’s prison, it’d been a really bad year and a half for her. There’d also been the turmoil she’d been in during her pregnancy and finding out that Adam died at the same time she learned that Dean was leaving her and the way she’d nearly been killed in Wisconsin by people that she’d helped saved. 

Sam sat on the bed next to her and handed her the plate while he gently took his shirt away from her to put it off to the side. He wondered if she’d eat and felt better when she went for some toast and dipped it in her poached egg. “Thanks, Sam.” 

Finishing her first bite, Beth slowly dipped her toast again and said, “You see it too? That I’m different? That I don’t belong.” 

Sam sat back against the headboard and said, “You’re different, but that doesn’t mean you don’t belong.” 

She took another bite while she thought about it. “When I was in Heaven . . . they used to call me an abomination. Zachariah did when I met him down here. I thought it was because I had half a soul. Now I know different . . . I used to feel an overwhelming sorrow. I didn’t know what it was. I had nothing to compare it to. The angels I was around never showed on the outside what I was feeling on the inside. I couldn’t ask them what it was, so I researched it. It took awhile to find out. All the books in the world couldn’t explain something, like an emotion you don’t know how to define, so I had to observe it in humans on Earth, but when I saw them, it still wasn’t quite right. I may have felt the way they did, but I couldn’t express it the way they could. I knew then something was wrong with me. I wasn’t like humans or angels. When I got to Earth and met you guys and didn’t have my memories of Heaven . . . I told myself that I didn’t deal with things, like the ripped apart victims on hunts, the way other people would, because I had the intellectual half of my soul, and Rachel had the emotional half . . . but that wasn’t it, was it? She may have gotten the parts that make us give in to lust or wrath or envy and greed, but those aren’t emotions other than wrath. I always would’ve had this dichotomy between my mind and emotions.” She paused to take another bite before she sighed. “I was kind of hoping that me having a whole soul meant I would finally be able to understand it some day. I mean I can cry now when I’m sad, so I thought maybe . . . but I won’t. It’ll always be something foreign that I don’t understand, because I’m not built for it.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that. He never thought about what it must’ve been like to really be raised by nothing but angels that tortured her on a regular basis. She’d had to research what emotions were. Her environment alone would’ve been enough to limit her. It was hard to know if it was that, in her nature, or because the angels removed half of her, but none of those were things that could be changed now. The damage had already been done. 

He should say something. This wasn’t something she could talk about with Dean in a frank way. She and Dean always danced around saying it or addressing it. “Love isn’t something any of us understand. I think we feel it the same way you could feel sorrow in Heaven, but we can’t explain it. Maybe you feel like you have to understand it and if you don’t then you aren’t really feeling it?” She glanced at him and nodded. “Then know that none of us understand it, but we feel it anyway.” She looked like that made sense to her, but he didn’t know if it made her feel any better about it. 

When she finished with her plate, Sam took it from her and put it on the desk on top of an old plate Dean must’ve left in here. He’d take them down later. “Think you could sleep?” 

She took his shirt back and put it over the top of his chest, so she could see it while she curled up next to him. “What happens if I have nightmares? What if sleep brings up things that I can only control while I’m awake?” Valid, but she needed sleep. 

“I’ll keep an eye on things and wake you up if I have to do it. We’ll deal with it if you don’t.” She nodded and kept her eyes on his shirt until she drifted off, but he followed suit not long after her. It’d been a long couple of days for him too. He didn’t know it, but his days were about to get much longer. 

Half an hour later, he was woken up by the first of her nightmares. It began a kind of sleep cycle for them. Sleep, nightmare, ask her about it and get her to tell him, hear some of the most horrific things he’d ever heard before she fell asleep again, and he couldn’t because of what she told him until he did somehow and then she’d have another nightmare a little while later starting the cycle over again.


	3. Visiting Hours

Dean watched Sam come out with another vial of Beth’s blood on day 4 of her camping out in her room and only allowing Sam in with her. Sam was drawing the blood for her and measuring exactly how much she was supposed to be giving Crowley, so that dickhead didn’t get a drop more than he was due, but even when Sam wasn’t doing that, he was always in there with her. “Is she getting any better?” 

Staying away from Beth and sleeping in his daughter’s room had given Dean some good father-daughter time after being away from her for so long, and it’d given him a chance to cool off some. He still got annoyed that Sam was the only one allowed to see Beth, but he was working on it, and Rogue didn’t need to have him pissed off all the time. She was getting big. He thought she’d be walking soon. She could pull herself up and stand on her own. He didn’t want Beth to miss that. She’d missed out on so much already. 

“I don’t know if she’s ready to come out more than to go take a shower, like she has been, or if she’s ready to give up my shirt yet, but I’d say you could probably go into her now if you want,” Sam answered tiredly while he headed out the front door for his meet and greet with Crowley. 

Dean didn’t even wait for Sam to come back to make sure he’d meant what he’d said before he handed his daughter to Gabriel. When he got to the door of their room, he paused. Now that he could see Beth, he didn’t know what to say. “You can come in, Dean.” She’d said it quietly, but it was loud enough for him to hear it, so he went in and closed the door behind him. 

Beth looked up at him from her place on the bed before she took a deep breath and looked down at Sam’s shirt that was balled up in her hands. Dean’s brow furrowed while he took in the sight of her. She looked like she’d been broken and glued back together, but not all the pieces were there. He hadn’t actually seen her like this no matter how bad things got. She couldn’t even pretend that she was going to be okay or that she could handle this. If Sam thought she was better, how bad did she get? _Did I break her?_

He almost thought about heading back out the door, because he thought it’d be better for her if he did, but he really wanted to see her, so he stayed where he was unable to move forwards or back. Standing there and staring at her probably was probably making things worse. That’s the only thing that made him finally move forward. She slid over to give him space to sit next to her on the bed when he finally got there, and he reluctantly took it. He really had no right to be in here. 

“Nightmare therapy is the new way forward in mental health. Don’t get much sleep, but I get to relive the memories over and over again, so now they don’t seem so bad . . . a kind of desensitization if you will . . . until I’m ready to move on to the next ones.” Explained why Sam looked drained if he was the one helping her with her nightmares. She looked tired too, and she still looked good, but . . . it was like the energy or life force had been sucked out of her.

Dean found himself saying, “I shouldn’t have done it,” before he realized he’d even thought it. 

She stared at Sam’s shirt in her hands and said, “Nah, I barely even remember that . . . I’m onto much bigger and much badder things now. Sam thinks I’m having a nervous breakdown. I don’t think that’s what this is. My subconscious is taking over when I’m asleep. It seems to know how to deal with everything. When I’m awake, I have to focus on something else, but nothing that matters, so I focus on this shirt . . . If I don’t, it’s like things are sliding away from me.” She didn’t have to explain anything to him, but it looked like she felt like she had to because of how he was acting at the sight of her. 

She bit her bottom lip for a few seconds before she glanced at him. “So, it turns out I am a monster, huh?” 

He smiled briefly and said, “There’s a little monster in all of us, but you’re human. Wouldn’t matter if you weren’t.” 

One of her eyebrows arched as she looked back down at the shirt. “Cas would’ve said, ‘It’s possible there’s a little monster in all of us,’ in the future . . . you just said his line first . . . stole it right out from under him.” At least he stole something out from under Cas. He still couldn’t get the image of Cas lying on top of her out of his head. It was worse than Cas messing with him by kissing her to make that deal. Neither time was her fault. She’d just wanted Cas to power up by touching her soul, and something went wrong. 

And Cas couldn’t leave. Gabriel thought there was a chance she’d need both of them to rebuild her soul now, and Dean hated that. It was his job . . . he didn’t want to think about it. “So, I guess you know about my soul . . . what’ll happen if . . .“ She left her sentence hanging before she looked down at Sam’s shirt again. “I don’t want to use you to build my soul. I don’t want it to be about that. I don’t want to use you for anything. It’s not why –“ 

“You’re not using me . . . it’s more like my present to you, and you taking it is your present to me.” _If it’s even my present to give to you anymore._

She looked at his brother’s shirt before she closed her eyes and said, “I said that to you . . . or something like it . . . a long time ago . . . I wanted you to have something that was just for you.” They’d never really talked about those times when they’d met as kids other than for him to tell her they had. He hadn’t even been sure she really remembered any of the details, but between this and what she’d said when she blew up the Wisconsin camp, it looked like she did.

“I wanted to make things better for you . . . not because I felt sorry for you, but I felt like you didn’t think about yourself at all, and you needed someone to give you something for you, no strings attached . . . maybe I wanted to take care of things for you . . . and now look at me . . . I’m taking things from you, and I can’t take care of myself.“ 

So, he’d gotten what she’d meant back then spot on. It meant even more to him now that he knew he’d gotten right. She’d started to go pale and shaky, so Dean put his arm around her and said, “You’re not taking anything from me . . . We’re doing it together, and you’ve been taking care of me since I got out of Hell. It’s my turn to step up. I’ve done a shitty job of it this last year. I’ll do better.” 

Beth wrapped her arms around his torso, put her head on his chest and held onto Sam’s shirt, so she could see it, like it was her security blanket. Parts of it felt so familiar, like her laying her head on his chest, but most of it hurt him to see her like this. He’d failed her. He’d been selfish after Adam died and had done the worst thing possible at the worst time possible to keep her safe from him. He’d done it for himself, not her, and he’d been selfish when she came back without memories of him and could only see what that loss meant for him, not her. Even with this Cas thing . . . he’d only thought of himself and hadn’t thought of what it would mean for her or what it added to on top of all the other stuff going on right now . . . He’d let her down over an over again. She needed him to do better.

“I’m sorry I broke Heaven, Hell, and Earth . . . Crowley took me to Heaven. The floors and walls in all the halls are blackened with the wings of dead angels. He has Michael . . . I gave Crowley the kind of power that allowed him to subjugate Michael, and Michael had no idea what Raphael was planning any better than you knew what Sam was planning. He wanted to give Raphael the benefit of the doubt . . . Michael was left in charge of Heaven and keeping the unruly angels in line and did everything he thought his Father would want him to do . . . Now he’s being tortured and humiliated by a demon . . . I have to help him . . . Not only that, but Crowley has three tablets, and I gave him the power to find Kevin and Metatron if the real God doesn’t hide them . . . I was so stupid.” 

The last couple of years Michael had been as blindsided by everything as the rest of them had been. It wasn’t right that Crowley had him. Dean remembered watching Michael and Gabriel fighting side by side in the chapel. They’d done it for the greater good, and because no matter what had happened before that, they were still brothers. Michael even pulled Beth behind him to protect her after that Dark Army hit the room. She’d gotten away from him in all the fighting, but Michael had tried to do the right thing even though he’d been telling his angels to kill her before that. Michael was complicated. A lot more complicated than any of them ever gave him credit for being. They could try to break him out of wherever he was being held, but something told Dean that Michael was going to be pissed at them for wrecking the joint.

Dean thought it was a good sign that she was focusing on a new goal that didn’t involve Sam’s shirt, so he said, “Yeah, we’ll get Michael. Just have to get rid of Crowley. Got any ideas?”

“He’s using Michael as leverage . . . His torturers will get worse if he’s not around to stop them, but . . . if he doesn’t give up those souls soon, he’ll be dead anyway. I think . . . the leviathan, if they get out, it won’t be the end of the world. They can start snacking on croats and make it safer for rest of us for a while until we have to put them back, but the monster souls . . . those need to go back sooner rather than later. That kind of power exploding on Earth . . . I have no idea what that will do. If Crowley doesn’t give them up before the damn breaks, I’ll ask God to send him to Purgatory, but I don’t know if God will. If God won’t, then I might have to walk Crowley into Purgatory myself.” 

“Walk into Purgatory yourself, huh?” Dean tried not to let that get a rise out of him, but she was a sucky teammate. She always wanted to do everything herself. 

“I may not have a choice in it. God seems to give help, but I think He expects the hard work to be done by us. He may drop me in Purgatory with Crowley or if we open Purgatory and try to push Crowley in when he's giving the souls back to finally get rid of him, Crowley might pull me in with him with whatever strength he has left. He knows I know that there’s a way back out, because I told him when we were negotiating the contract. He just doesn’t know the way out is for humans. He’s a in a meat suit, but I don’t think his meat suit will be enough to get him back out, or monsters that used to be humans could use it. I’ll just leave him there. Maybe he’ll even keep the tablets on him, and they’ll be stuck in Purgatory with him forever where he won’t have a prophet to translate them, or if he stashed them somewhere in Hell or on Earth, he wouldn’t be able to get back out to use them, and I doubt he’s told anyone where they are, so nobody else will be able to use them either.” 

That wouldn’t be a bad solution to Crowley. She could hold off on asking God for help and just tell Dean what to do to get Purgatory back open. Then he’d push Crowley through. They’d been over it before once or twice, but he needed to find out everything she knew about Purgatory.

They talked about Purgatory for a while, and he finally said, “You know you’re not the one that started the civil war in Heaven. I was. I went walking up to the vaults and told the angels there I was Michael’s vessel . . . That’s when the fighting in the chapel really kicked off.” 

She’d shifted her focus from Sam’s shirt to his shirt at some point and ran a finger down one of the lines before she said, “I used Gabriel’s horn, and they were fighting in the halls around then too . . . and if I hadn’t gone up there, you wouldn’t have followed me, so you couldn’t have done that.” 

Dean smiled and looked down at the top of her head. He could say Michael started it by locking Gabriel up, and she could say Gabriel wouldn’t have gone up there if he hadn’t been looking for information on her . . . She was going to one up him every time he came up with something to counter what she said, so he skipped all that. “If Raphael hadn’t taken you the day you were born, none of it would’ve happened . . . and don’t say it was because you were born. Nothing you could’ve done about that . . . and I think our daughter is worth the journey it took to get her . . . so you had to be born, or she wouldn’t be here.” 

She started to go pale again for some reason, so he changed the subject. They could deal with whatever that was about later. He spent the rest of the day with Beth when he wasn’t making them dinner. It was dark, and she’d just fallen asleep when Sam stuck his head in the room. 

Sam gave Dean a signal that they should trade places, and Dean shook his head. Sam nodded, pointed to Beth and then his own head, and pointed at Dean with a shake of his head. Sam didn’t want him to hear her nightmares. _Are they really that bad?_ Sam nodded after reading Dean’s expression and then pointed to himself and let Dean know he couldn’t sleep after hearing them. 

Sam wasn’t going to drop it, so Dean got out from under Beth and went out into the hall to talk to him. Before he could say anything, Sam said, “I don’t want you to hear that. She doesn’t want you to hear it . . . it might set things back with her if she has one while you’re there, and honestly, it’ll change the way you look at her. It has for me. I don’t want that for you, and you don’t want that . . . you don’t want to be reminded of the things she’s been through every time you look at her . . . it’s graphic. The more details she gives, the better she’s able to cope with it the next time she has the same one . . . I know you know some of it, but you don’t know most of it. I know you want to take care of her, and the best way to do it is by letting me do this. I’ll take care of her. I promise. You can come back tomorrow and spend all day with her.” 

_What does Sam know about it? Of course he thinks it’s bad. He’s never been tortured._ But then Dean remembered how she hadn’t wanted him to see what happened when he was in her soul. He looked back at the door again and gave Sam a nod. Visiting time was over.


	4. One Day At a Time

I was still spending my nights with Sam, my personal therapist, but my days were getting better. I was getting out of the house and going through the hunter-training course every day while the kids were in school. A strong body would lead to a stronger mind . . . or that’s what Sam said. 

Gabriel had been monitoring things in the house since he arrived and decided to heal Sam’s right ankle. Sam’s right knee was the one that had given him the least amount of trouble out of all his injuries, so he might still be slow, but he’d started doing the 5-mile run with me in the mornings before he went off to teach in the school. 

He wanted me to pick up the science classes soon, since Dr. Thomas was no longer around to do it. As soon as this Crowley thing was resolved I would. It’d been nearly two weeks, and other than his blood pick up, he showed no signs of wanting to give those souls back even though according to Sam, who wouldn’t let me talk to Crowley, Crowley’s meat suit was starting to deteriorate. 

For now I was primarily focused on keeping my fitness levels up. My favorite thing to do was still the locks and security system course. Dean was changing it up for me every day . . . I think he spent nights going out to try and find something new to add to it, so it was like a new present I woke up to every day. When he wasn’t helping build the new panic rooms for the cabins and spending time with Rogue, he came out and did some of the course with me. 

It felt good to run through it with him. Doing it together reminded me of training on it with him when I first started, except now we were more on par with one another on a lot of things, like shooting and dismantling, cleaning, and reassembling guns. I’d still never best him in sparring, knife throwing, or the wall, but I was okay with that. Know your limitations and work around them. 

The kids came out after school was out at roughly the same time I was finishing for the day. I only had one more thing to do. Usually, I saved the best for last. I could finish it while they started hunter training on the other side of camp. 

Dean stopped me on my way to the security course with a crowd of kids behind him. “Feel like changing it up today?” Not if it meant they were going to watch me. I didn’t want spectators. He pulled me aside and said, “It’s just you and me. No pressure.” But it wasn’t just the two of us. 

“You only want me to do it, because they don’t think I can anymore, and you want to show them I can. What have you been telling them about me?” 

Dean glanced behind him and pulled me a little further away before saying, “Nothing . . . I haven’t said anything. Sam told them you were sick, but they’re kids . . . They pick up on everything. If one of the other adults –“ 

“What have the other adults been saying about me?” 

Dean took a deep breath and said, “You’ve got this. You’ve been doing it with me, and you’re as good as you’ve ever been.” 

_I’m not a pet monkey. I don’t want to do it in front of an audience._ “Jody said I can’t let them see any weakness . . . that they need to believe in me. They’ve lost too much and can’t afford for me to . . . I’m not –“

Dean put his hands on my shoulders and said, “You don’t have to be anything for anyone . . . just thought you’d be up for a competition.” 

_A competition? What kind of competition?_ “You want them to call the shots? Is that why they’re here?” 

He smiled, like he hadn’t thought of that, but it’d work for what he wanted. Inside he felt worried that I’d turn him down. “You can’t stack the deck in your favor . . . you know, like by telling them to start with knives or -” 

Ty spoke up and said, “Oh, good idea. If we’re deciding, that’s what we wanna see first.” 

_Why’d I open my big damn mouth?_ I guess I didn’t think they were listening, but the kids were always listening, and they loved watching Dean throw a knife. They also loved watching me fail so miserably at something. You know it’s bad when kids all start giving you pointers on what you should do. 

When we were done, Dean grinned and looked around at them. “Believe it or not . . . she’s a hell of a lot better at this than she used to be . . . It was a win when she actually made it as far as the target.” _Still not much better than that._

One of the kids wanted us to do the locks and security system course next. I didn’t know it, but Dean had told them to say that while I was preoccupied with picking up a couple of knives I’d thrown over the target. When we got to the course, it looked magnificently difficult, and there were two sides to it that were identical. It was built for a competition. This is what Dean had wanted me to do with him when he came out here, not everything else. 

“You want a head start, Beth?” I liked seeing his competitive side, but now he was just being cocky. 

“You setting it up won’t make a difference,” I answered just before Jenna told us to go, and the race was on. We kept pace with one another and went from one station to the next at the same time until I started to pull ahead. The last one was a safe. That’s where he caught up to me, but we both opened our safes at the same time. Sometimes there were things in there. Sometimes there weren’t. This time there was a makeup case and a button. 

_Is he trying to tell me something? Why the hell is that there?_ I looked at the compact and distractedly reached my hand in to push the button. As soon as I did, Dean pushed his and said, “Should’ve taken the extra time, Beth,” before he pointed to the left and the right and down at a couple of mirrors . . . _No fucking way! He set up a laser security system? That explains the compact._

He started moving through the course at an alarming speed, because he knew where to step and where to duck. _Hm. Use the powder to see the beams? That’ll take to long. Use the powder and mirror to make Dean lose . . . yes._ I broke the compact apart, got the mirror out of the case, and blew some of the powder onto the laser beams in front of me, so I could see them and then used the mirror to bend the beam onto Dean’s back. When he moved, it set his alarms off. 

He quickly stopped and looked back at me, saw what I’d done, and was in the middle of saying I cheated when I looked at the kids and said, “You know what to do when that happens?” Dean knew what I was going to do, and we both started sprinting through the laser beams, because once the alarm goes off, you run. He had more of a head start than I did, so he beat me by a second or two, and I said, “That ended in a tie.” He grinned and shook his head, so I said, “It did. You lost, because your alarm went off first, and I lost getting back to the door. 

Dean asked the kids how many thought I cheated. They all raised their hands, so I asked, “How many of you think you need to cheat in the real world to survive?” They all raised their hands. “See . . . tie.” 

Dean forgot they were there and almost excitedly said, “We should keep going until one of us wins.” 

“You already won the knife throwing . . . We’re not really –“ 

He took off running towards my wall, and I saw an opportunity to make us even, so when I caught up to him, I tripped him and used the time that bought me to climb my rope and get to the roof before him. When he pulled himself up behind me, he exhaled a laugh and said, “You cheated . . . again. I think you’re getting worse.” 

“Yeah, but now we’re even, so now we can keep going to see who wins.” After that the kids picked sniping, and that was brilliant . . . we had the kids pick where we had to shoot from and neither one of us missed. 

Apparently, none of them had seen us spar against each other, because we always trained other people, and never did it with each other, so that’s what they wanted us to do next. It was a long enough bout. I did all right. He still ended up pinning me at the end after I knocked him down, and he brought me down with him. 

“You know if you were a monster, I would’ve found a way to end you,” I said looking up at him. 

He grinned and nodded, while he tried to catch his breath. “Why do you think I let you hunt?” 

_Let me hunt? You don’t let me hunt._

He looked confused. “Did you mean to let me hear that?” 

I used his lapse in concentration to wrap my legs around him, flip him onto his back, and then quickly got up and away from him, while I said, “I win.” He started laughing. “What? I got out of it.” 

He got to his feet and said, “Yeah? You ran away instead of finishing it.” 

I was about to say that didn’t matter, when he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder saying, “Let’s see you get out of this one, Beth.” 

_There are lots of ways I could get out of this, but I can’t stab him._ “I can’t without hurting you.” 

The kids apparently thought my predicament was hilarious, and Dean was eating it up. “You giving up?” No. Reaching down, I grabbed a hold of his boxers and yanked up on them. He dropped me in favor of squirming around to readjust himself, and I used the opportunity to kick his legs out from under him before pinning him. 

“How many monsters is that going to work on?” he asked looking up at me. 

“Lots. I doubt monsters like wedgies any more than humans do.” 

He grinned and glanced up at the kids watching us before he looked at me. “You can have this one.” Then he told the kids to go find Sam, so they broke it up. 

_He let me win? He was doing a good job of not going easy on me until now._ He looked under me and said, “Had to get rid of ‘em somehow . . . kinda you know.” Oh. Now that he mentioned it. I was sitting on him, so I could feel what he was talking about. 

“So . . . you’re into wed–“ 

He laughed and said, “I’m into rolling around on the ground with you.” 

If I had to admit it, I’d say I could see where he was coming from now that I was aware of the effect I was having on him. It was kind of all I could think about. I took in the sight of him below me. His eyes. His nose. His mouth. He went from laughing to realizing this might be a thing. He looked at my lips, but it didn’t look like he was going to do anything about it. Maybe he needed more time? I reluctantly started to sit back up, but he followed me and kept his lips just a couple of inches away from mine the entire way. Maybe he didn’t need that much time?

He flicked his eyes to mine when I didn’t get off of him straight away. Him being passive right now was a turn on in a way it hadn’t been when the same thing happened after we got down from Heaven. Then I hadn’t wanted to do anything about it, because I’d been hurt by him, but so much had happened since then. He’d started coming into our room to talk to me during the day after my meltdown and doing the course with me . . . the way he kept giving me a new amazing security alarm course every day . . . he was like my Dean again, a Dean I hadn’t seen in a really long time . . . not since before we left Kansas . . . maybe even before that, because we’d both been so weighed down by running things there and trying to wrap our heads around the fact we were soon to be parents . . . it’d taken a lot out of both of us. I wondered if I’d ever be like his Beth again after the year I’d had.

I got my answer on what he thinking through our connection. He wasn’t sure if he was reading me the right way. He didn’t feel like it was a good idea with the problems I’d been having lately. He was talking himself out of it and starting to feel guilty for even going there. He finally had enough of the tension and took a deep breath to say something and diffuse it, so I cut him off by leaning forward and gently pressing my lips against his. He was hesitant at first, but it didn’t take long for him to wrap his arms around me and pull me closer. This is where I wanted to be. I’d missed him. 

I lost track of time, but sometime later, Dean took one of his arms from around me, pointed at something to the side of us and then made the scram motion with his thumb before wrapping his arm back around me and pulling me against him tighter . . . almost begging me not look. Of course I had to find out who it was and what they wanted. 

While I broke the kiss to look, Dean leaned his forehead against the side of my head and refused to let me go. Jenna and Ben were standing there watching us. They looked like they’d been running, so they must’ve just gotten there. Jenna said Sam told them to come get us, because he thought Rogue was going to start walking any second. “Okay. We’ll be there in a minute.” When they kept standing there, I gave them an exasperated look, and said, “Okay, thanks. You can go now,” before flicking my hand in the direction of the house. They both grinned and ran back to the house, while I turned to face Dean. 

His lips landed over mine again. He’d missed me too. He wanted me to know how he felt about me, so he focused on feeling that and nothing but that, so I could feel it through our connection. It wasn’t the first time he’d done that. It’d just been a long time since he had. It reminded me how deeply he felt it. And I guess it made me realize that even if Gabriel was my Dad, and even if I’d stared at a shirt for days to keep it together, and even if I had to spend my nights with his brother helping me overcome my nightmares, and even if I broke Heaven, Hell, and Earth . . . it really didn’t matter to him. He wanted to take care of me, whatever the problem was and in whatever way I needed him to do it, and I knew that, but there’s a difference between knowing it and feeling it.

He eventually pulled away and left his forehead on mine before he cleared his throat and said we should go. Yeah, he was right. It was a major milestone in her life, and I’d already missed a lot. We were nearly there when he pulled me to the side and pinned me up against the house. It was a much more heated kiss full of need than the last two had been. It was almost like he didn’t think he’d get this chance again if he didn’t take it now. 

At some point, he lifted me up and I wrapped my legs around his waist while he took me away from the wall and carried me . . . somewhere. I didn’t know where. I was focused on him. When we got to one of the sheds, he backed into the door to open it and kicked it shut behind him before carrying me over to one of the workbenches. Setting me down, he shrugged his jacket off, and I relieved him of his belt. He broke the kiss then and put his hands over mine before he looked down at me and asked me if I was sure. 

In response, I sighed and looked down before hopping off the workbench. “No, I’m not.” It caught him off guard, but he took a deep breath and nodded, like that was okay. I used the element of surprise to do a quick move and knock him down to the ground, so I could pin him before I landed my mouth over his again. It was something that turned him on . . . me pinning him like that, so why not?

When I let his hands go, he slid them up my arms and down my sides until he finally got to my waist and took his time unfastening my belt and even longer to unbutton my jeans. I took my shirt off. But before I did anything else, I propped myself up to look down at him. “Are you sure?” I meant it. Maybe he was the one that wasn’t ready? The last time we were going to do this, he’d had to stop, and I still wasn’t the same person I used to be. That’s the person he said he wanted. 

Dean looked at me, like ‘Come on. I’m good to go.’ So I said, “But I’m not the old me either, Dean. She’s the one you want, but I’m different now. Are you sure –“ 

“I wanted you then . . . I don’t think there’s ever been a time I didn’t want you. I just wanted to know that you wanted me.” He stopped me from saying anything by flashing me a smile and pulled me back to him to pick back up where I’d left off. 

When we came back to the house, we knew we’d missed it. It was another milestone in our daughter’s life we’d missed. It wasn’t one we could get back, but she needed her parents to be a better couple than we’d been since she’d been born, and Dean and I had been working on that . . . for a few hours. I knew sex wasn’t the only thing Dean and I had that made our relationship strong. It was everything else, but the sex added to it . . . enhanced it . . . made us closer, and that’s what we’d needed. We hadn’t had it in over a year. I know it’s a bad excuse for missing something like her first steps, but given all the problems we’d had, it was important. 

When I got back downstairs after my shower, I decided that since I missed her first steps, the least I could do was go hang out with her for a little while, because I was feeling really guilty about it. I went and sat next to her on the floor so she could show me her tiger that Sam had gotten for her. She made roaring sounds for it. I wondered who taught her that . . . how she learned it . . . what the process was. I’d wanted to teach her things like that. 

I tried not to tear up over it, because I didn’t want anyone to see me do that. Gabriel kicked out the people in the living room I could feel watching us, and I was grateful for that. After a few minutes, she looked at me and said, “Book.” _Is that new?_

I looked at Dean who was coming down after his shower. He beamed at her in pride and said, “She’s been saying it the last week or so.” Another thing I didn’t know about her that I bet everyone else did. I went to get up, so Dean could read to her, and he told me to wait while he went to grab her books and laid them out in front of her. She chose _Where the Wild Things Are._

_It doesn’t mean what he thinks it does. It’s not my book. Everyone reads it to her the same way everyone but me takes care of her. I’m not a mother, and everybody knows it . . . nobody thinks I deserve it. I can see the looks whenever I’m around her. They don’t think she should be near me. Sam’s not really a mother figure, but he’s definitely her parent. I have no role to play other than maybe crazy aunt if I’m lucky, but I’m not that lucky . . . everything I wanted is gone, and I can’t get it back._

Dean glanced at me and looked like he was going to say something, but changed his mind. Couldn’t be because of what I was thinking. I was blocking him. Maybe he saw it in the expression on my face, so I tried to look relaxed or okay even though I felt far from it.

Before I read it to her, Dean decided to try and get her to walk for us. I stood her up and Dean knelt a few feet away. She pointed at the book on the ground, so I picked it up and showed it to her and told her I’d read it to her if she walked to her Dad while I pointed to Dean. She looked at the book and then at Dean and back and forth until I think she got it, because she took a step towards him. 

Keeping a gentle hold of Rogue until I was sure she wouldn’t fall, I still kept my hands ready in case she fell . . . She didn’t. She walked straight over to Dean. He gave her lots of praise, and I looked at Gabriel. He knew what I wanted and snapped his fingers. A bowl of ice cream with _First steps (almost)_ written in syrup on the top showed up on the ground next to me. The look of pure joy on Dean’s face as he carried her back over might be what Gabriel say that the ice cream wasn’t for him. 

“I wasn’t gonna take it. Just giving Beth her daughter.” Then he put Rogue in my lap. She was more than a little surprised, because she’d never sat in my lap until then, but she got over it fast and pointed at the book again. _She sure is stubborn. Must take after Dean on that._

I read it to her, and her favorites wild things were still the same, because she made me stop on those pages while she touched their faces. Then Dean picked her back up along with the ice cream . . . He’d definitely orchestrated putting her in my lap to cover his original intent, because I know for a fact he ate more of it than he gave her . . . small bite for her . . . big bite for him . . . Sam saw him doing it in the kitchen and told on him. Today had been an okay day. We needed more days like today. Would we get them? Not likely. Did we need them? Definitely.


	5. Preparing for the Training Wheels to Come Off

Sam was pleasantly surprised that things had vastly improved with Dean in the last week or two. Dean was a lot more like the brother he knew than the one that’d been around for a while now. So, all of that was good, but Sam didn’t like Dean’s idea on how to go about getting rid of Crowley, because he thought it was too risky. Things never worked out the way they were supposed to work out, so he guessed his job was to come up with contingency plans for Dean’s plan. 

Dean wasn’t filling Beth in on his plan, so she wouldn’t mess it up the way she did Cas’s plan to get the souls, but she was smart enough to figure it out, which meant she probably would. Sam’s plan had to take that into consideration, and he wasn’t going to fill Dean or Beth in on his plan either. Cas had his own plan that he was working, but Cas was staying out of Dean’s way and went into hiding anytime Beth was near. There were problems, but everyone seemed to be handling them pretty well for the time being. 

He’d had his ankle healed. That so wasn’t why Sam was helping Beth, so he hadn’t expected it, but Gabriel had said that was the point. Sam guessed that was Gabriel was right, but now that the inuries that had hobbled him the most were gone, Sam wished they weren’t and wanted to hold onto the last one for as long as possible, which wasn’t something he’d been expecting either. 

He hadn’t done a whole lot to make up for what he’d done. Everyone was going a lot easier on him than they should be. He said that to Beth the other night, and she’d said the point was for him to learn a lesson, and he was learning it. When the final training wheel came off, he could take that lesson and do the right thing with it. Maybe that was part of it. Maybe he wasn’t really to be totally reliant on himself to make the right choices again. 

When he’d had all his injuries from that night in the Luxor, he’d had to do what Dean said on hunts or he had to stay home from most hunts or big fights. Now that he was just down to the knee, he had no excuse not to hunt. He could get around pretty well. Jogging was hard, but doable the more strength he built up in his legs. He’d be expected to do all the smaller hunts after they got done with Crowley. He wasn’t ready to get back to being a full-time killer again. 

Beth told him he didn’t have to be, but Sam had two reasons why he felt like he did. One, he wasn’t sure if he could be redeemed if he didn’t actively go out and save people. Manning Bobby’s place just felt like a cop out now that he could physically get back out there again. The other reason was Dean. He didn’t want to let Dean down, and he knew Dean would want them to hunt together, or that’s what he’d thought.

When Sam told Beth about his reservations, she told him to talk to Dean, but then she asked him if he remembered what Dean’s dream life for Sam was. Sam was kind of surprised that she thought Dean would still want him to have a normal life. If Dean still really felt that way and chose to hunt without Sam, it made Sam feel like he had to hunt. 

Maybe he’d just needed to have someone else tell him to go with option A, and after he heard it, knew that B is what he really wanted, but the same problem still remained. If he went out hunting with Dean, which is what he’d decided to do, he’d have to make decisions on killing again, and maybe when it came to some things, he might take the dark road again, because at the end of the dark road was the way to get to the right result. He’d have to keep an eye on it, but it was so much easier when he couldn’t be put in those kinds of situations because of his injuries. In a way, his injuries had been his crutch. 

There was another injury he still had other than the knee, and he wasn’t going to give up. It might be the best reminder he could ever have to stop and think when he was tempted to do something wrong. It was his right wrist that Dean had shot. He could still shoot with his right hand . . . maybe not throw a knife, but that’d always been more Dean’s thing anyway. Sam hardly ever noticed that his wrist limited him unless he was on the firing range for too long and it started to ache. He would still be able to hunt with it.

It was the most personal of all the injuries he’d sustained. It sounded crazy, but Dean shooting him in the wrist meant that Dean had still cared enough about him not to put it through his head even after Dean saw what he’d been like at that Devil’s gate in Wyoming. If he focused on that, maybe he wouldn’t let Dean down . . . ever. All he had to do if he started making the wrong choices was look down at his wrist and be reminded of it. He’d have to see when the time came. There was no point in worrying about it now. He may never come to a crossroads like that again, and they still had to deal with Crowley first. Getting rid of Crowley was the right thing to do. Sam knew that much.

Speaking of Crowley, he should be coming by to collect on his deal with Beth soon. Sam went to go find her. She was supposed to be teaching one of the science classes. The Biology/Earth science class was in a shed, because it had fewer students than the other classes. Dr. Thomas scared a lot of the kids away. Chemistry and Physics were in a couple of the smaller garages in the back. Again because the doctor had scared the kids away, but Christmas was next month, and as soon as school came back after the holidays, they were going to have to do something about where they put the science classes. 

When the kids heard Beth was teaching, they all signed up for her classes, which . . . he’d set it up, so the main mandatory classes were English/Spelling, Math, Lore, History, and one science they could choose. Now a lot of the kids were signing up to take all 3 of Beth’s science classes, and that meant longer school days for them, because that was 2 classes on top of the ones they normally took and hunter training. 

He’d tried telling the kids that, but they didn’t seem to care. Sam hadn’t seen her teach. He didn’t get their obsession with being in her classes. Dean said she made him a handheld bat signal in one of her physics classes a couple of years ago. They used it when they broke into Vegas, which was just . . . he got brought down by the bat signal. It made Sam laugh every time he thought about it. 

He wasn’t sure which class Beth was teaching now. Biology or Physics maybe? She could be anywhere. The other day she had the Physics kids checking out Dean’s laser set up in the security course, so they could learn about photons and optical amplifiers or something. Sam wasn’t really sure, but the kids that took the class filled him in on it during hunter training that night. 

Finally, Beth found her in one of the garages. Chemistry. She’d wheeled in all kinds of apparatuses in here . . . He had no idea where she got them. This place looked like a mad scientist’s laboratory now . . . maybe she got it yesterday when she and Dean went to get some things in town. Sam had thought that was code for sex, but apparently it was code for getting really cool glassware from the high school . . . looked like she’d brought back new text books for everyone too. 

She wasn’t using the glassware yet. Maybe it was for the older kids tomorrow. These kids were pretty young. Beth finished up her lesson on catalysts by drawing out the chemical equation for hydrogen peroxide with an arrow pointing to the right. She left the right of the equation blank and wrote iodide up there too, but it wasn’t in the equation. They must’ve already gone over how to balance equations. 

Then Beth poured some hydrogen peroxide in the cylinders on each kid’s desk before giving each row a different color of food coloring and told them to pass it along or they could switch with the person behind them if they wanted a different color. She didn’t care what colors they made, but she wanted lots of different colors when it was done. Some of the kids were mixing colors and getting darker blues or purples. Some were mixing too much and getting brown or black by the time they were done, but there were a lot of reds, greens, and yellows too.

After handing out some clear dish soap, Beth told the kids to put a couple of milliliters into the mixture. The kids all measured 2 milliliters out in a painstaking fashion, which Sam thought was kind of funny, because with this experiment . . . couple was a general term. She hadn’t meant for them to be so precise. While the kids did that, Beth mixed up a solution at the front of the class, and when they were done with their dish soap, she turned and said, “I wrote an equation on the board . . . It’s a trick equation using what we learned today . . . iodide goes somewhere. If you can balance it correctly on your own . . . you don’t have to clean up the mess that this is going to make after I hand this stuff out. If you need help, that’s fine. Ask, and I’ll come help you . . . but you have to clean up the mess.” She paused and held up a piece of paper before smiling. “I already balanced it, so I don’t have to clean unless none of you do.” The kids all smiled at her challenge. Sam wondered how many of them would get this right. 

One by one, the kids started to raise their hands after they were finished scribbling away on their pieces of paper, and Beth went around to check their answers. Most of them got it right. There were 4 out of a class of 25 that didn’t, so she asked if they wanted her help or if they wanted to try again, because there was going to be a big mess. They all wanted to try again. She didn’t make them feel bad for getting it wrong. She just kept having them try again until they finally got it. By the end, all of them had figured it out on their own, and it was kind of heartwarming to see the looks of pride on their faces when she told them they were right. 

With that part of the lesson done, Beth said she was going to come around with her iodide mixture. “Take as much as you want with your droppers, but do not add this until I tell you to . . . If you do, I’ll know about it, and you’ll be cleaning the whole classroom when we’re done.” 5 of them had set their reactions off by the time she got to the front of the classroom and were trying to pretend like they hadn’t or were frantically trying to keep their reactions from spilling over onto the table. 

That was a brilliant solution to her cleaning problem. Oldest trick in the book . . . tell kids not to do something, and there will definitely be some that will just because. As soon as she turned around, she shook her head in mock disappointment and said, “I told you I’d know.” 

She told the rest of the kids to start their reactions and pretty soon there was a rainbow of foamy snakes growing all over the room . . . some of the kids added way too much catalyst to theirs and it was going all over the place. Sam realized those kids had done it on purpose, because they turned and laughed at the kids that were going to have to clean it up and in response those kids flung some of their foam back at them. Beth let them do it. She didn’t mind, because she didn’t have to clean it up. They did. She wrote their assignment from their new textbooks up on the board while they messed around and had fun with their experiments.

Something struck him. He taught the History and English classes when Stephen was out, and Stephen was out most of the time. He taught the younger kids Math, and he guessed Beth would take over for Dr. Thomas on the older kid’s Calculus classes, but there was something about seeing these kids joke around with each other the way they were now. That didn’t happen in his classes. 

Sam tried to give them visual learning tools. It was easier in the History class, but English and Math . . . he couldn’t really do much to make that fun, and he was like Beth in that he gave the kids assignments . . . essays, reports, problems to solve, things like that, but when he gave them, most of the kids didn’t come to class the next day with anything done. When Beth gave them an assignment, they scribbled down what she wrote, and none of them complained. A couple asked if that’s all she was giving them, because they wanted a few more questions to do. She didn’t seemed surprised that those particular kids were asking that. 

Instead, she said something that sounded rehearsed and like it was something she’d said a lot. “Do the ones I have on the board as a bare minimum. It won’t count against if you do more, but if you want to do extra, you can, and I’ll grade them along with the rest. Maybe I’ll give you extra credit, depending on how hard the extra ones you do are, and how much work you put into showing how you came up with the answers . . . they’re in the back of the book, so you can check your work, and that’s why I need to see your work . . . And remember, I’ll know if you’ve cheated on any of it.” After her little demonstration of knowing when they did something she told them not to do, he didn’t think they’d cheat. He thought they’d all come in for the next chemistry class with their homework done. 

What he was seeing now weren’t kids that’d suffered through an apocalypse. They weren’t orphans or refugees. They were just a class full of normal 11-12 year old kids. When class was over, they’d head outside for hunter training, and it’d all kick back in again, but right now, they were having fun and learning . . . the lessons were sticking with them if they could do the equation at the end after no help from Beth whatsoever other than to tell them to try again if they got it wrong . . . some of them may want to pursue this more when they got older . . . the world needed chemists or physicists or doctors or research scientists or historians and philosophers . . . there was hope in this classroom if these kids ever wanted to do something other than hunting. There was hope even if they did . . . historian/part-time hunters. 

He needed to make his lessons more fun, because it looked like Beth was winning these kids around to the science side of things. The liberal arts were taking a big hit. They needed to start up a foreign language class too. He could take Latin, and Beth could take whatever she wanted . . . and he bet more kids signed up for her class than they did his . . . unless he found a way to make his more fun than hers. 

Sam liked the idea of a competition with Beth on who could get these kids to excel more in their classes. If they did, then maybe more would grow up to do something other than hunting. And maybe he’d dismissed how important manning Bobby’s place actually was as far as making up for what he’d done to these kids and their families. He’d still go out and hunt with Dean, because he wanted to be with his brother, but being left behind here was nothing to be ashamed of if he chose to do it some day.

After the class left and the kids that stayed behind cleaned up the mess and left, Beth sat on her desk and rolled up her shirtsleeve. She was starting to look like a heroin addict. They needed to do something to fix this soon. Crowley couldn’t keep leeching off of her. 100ml/day was too much. 

Sam tied the tourniquet and tapped out a vein for her. She could do all of this herself, but he knew she didn’t care how much Crowley got . . . Sam on the other hand did care how much Crowley got, and to be honest, he thought it was something Cas should’ve nixed in their deal making, because he’d been sitting right there when she’d agreed to this. 

Drawing the blood, Sam told her about his idea for the competition between their classes. They could do it on average overall test scores. She smiled and agreed to it. She loved games and competitions. He asked her what she’d do to make his classes better, and she grinned. “You want me to help the competition?” 

Yeah, he did, so he glanced at her to let her know he needed help with it before he took the needle out and covered the hole with an alcohol wipe. “All right. But I’ll only do it, so it’s actually a competition and not a complete annihilation . . . If you want to make your History classes more fun . . . I’d probably get Gabriel to randomly show up and snap his fingers to put you in whatever kind of clothing people wore during the period you’re teaching, because the kids would think it’s funny to see you have to walk around like that all day. Or if it’s a war, it should include the opinions of people on both sides, because the victors are often responsible for writing history, but that doesn’t mean that the people that lost didn’t have their own viewpoints. Personalize it for them. Teach them what everyday life was like, not just what is there in black and white on a page. At the end of a lesson, I’d randomly assign kids to a side and have them debate from opposing viewpoints. It should be interactive. For the small kids, I’d have them make something from the time period . . . if nothing else, it’ll keep them busy at night. It’s not like they watch TV or play on the Internet when they go home anymore . . . In the English classes, I’d give them more novels to read, and I’d start having them learn plays, so they can act them out . . . maybe have a play for the whole camp in a year or two once things settle down . . . I’ve heard this semester is all about grammar, so until you can get to the fun stuff, I’d give them an incentive to do the homework. I hear that’s a problem for you. Your incentive has to be something they think is funny, and you have to be willing to be self-deprecating. You could do something like say . . . the ones who do all their homework for the week get to do something to you, like shoot you with paintballs or throw a bucket of cold water on you out in the snow . . . something like that . . . should work with Math too, but Math can be fun on its own. It’s like a different language, but if you need something to make them look forward to the class . . . have special days as rewards . . . something like . . . bringing in my record player and playing whatever music they want from Dean and mine’s collections or maybe even use that as one of your incentives for them doing their homework . . . or cupcake day, and you can make cupcakes for them the night before . . . they haven’t had anything like that for a long time . . . you get the general idea.”

He nodded while he put her blood into a vial and said, “So, bribe them?” 

“Exactly . . . you have to sweeten the deal sometimes to get what you really want out of it.” 

Sam glanced down at her, and she looked away. She’d definitely meant that the way he thought. It was one of those double-meaning statements she made sometimes. She was talking about the kids and their education, but she was actually letting him know that’s why she’d agreed to this blood deal. She was addressing what he’d been thinking when he saw her arm after she rolled up her sleeve and maybe again when he put her blood in the vial. 

“You can’t read my mind can you?” 

She smiled. “Nope. Can’t read minds. I can read your face.” He’d have to work on that. It’s just . . . with the time they’d been spending together . . . he felt really protective of her now. Not the way Dean did. Sam had no feelings for her like that whatsoever. He’d consider her a very good friend, but he had no interest other than that. 

He was still helping her with her nightmares. He was starting to adjust to it. The ones the night before last weren’t so bad after a lot of the ones he’d heard. The ones last night were really bad. He couldn’t see her the same way he used to see her. She wasn’t a threat the way he thought when he met her. She wasn’t a home wrecker or anything like that either. She wasn’t the eccentric girlfriend of his brother that came up with amazing plans to tackle some of the worst things out there or the woman who could’ve killed him, but didn’t, so he could learn a lesson. She wasn’t a bad mom just because she had different ways of bonding with her daughter. 

That human urge to hurt her because of her being able to ask God for help had been ripped out of him too. There was no way to tear her down more than she had been. She was damaged. Deeply, deeply damaged in a way she hid all day and that only came out at night. She was a victim, and he hated himself for all the things he’d done to her on top of all the things she’d suffered. 

The next thing Sam knew, he was hearing that annoying accent behind him. “Bit late with the payment today aren’t we? Maybe I should ask for double tomorrow.” 

“You said you’d know where I was at all times. That doesn’t fly,” Beth answered. 

“Your fault, my fault . . . 150 tomorrow.” 

Sam was about to tell Crowley where he could stick his 150, but looked up in frustration when Beth said, “Done.” 

_150 mls is way too much._ After a little over 2 weeks of this, that was 1.7L of blood she’d given to Crowley already. She was going to die. This was going to kill her, and she didn’t think it was a problem. Dean didn’t really understand it. Sam thought maybe he should pour out 1.7 L of water onto the floor, so Dean could see how much that was. 

2 months is how long you’re supposed to wait after you donate 1 pint. She’d given 3. Sam turned and handed Crowley the vial, and unlike every other time, Crowley decided to uncork it and drink it right there in front of him, which made Sam look away. He didn’t want to watch it. “Little too close to home, Moose?” 

Sam shook his head. “I just don’t want to watch you drink hers . . . how long are you going to keep taking this from her? Look at you. You’re falling apart. You need to put those souls back . . . or don’t. You’ll just die, and then we’ll clean up your mess.” 

Crowley stepped closer to him, but Sam wasn’t scared of Crowley no matter how much power Crowley had. “I’ll take it for as long as I have these souls. Maybe I’ll wait until she’s gone, and then give them back.” _Is what this is? Crowley isn’t putting the souls back because of his addiction to Beth’s blood?_

Beth interrupted them by saying, “That’s not very nice. You’re supposed to be God-like, not demon-like. I haven’t seen you in a while, but you definitely look worse than the last time I saw you. For your own benefit, you should give up those souls . . . If you don’t, I’ll have to go with option B, and you won’t like option B.” 

_What is option B?_ Crowley seemed to know, because he lifted his fingers to snap them, and then the room started shaking. Crowley looked around and quickly said, “I’ll give you and end date tomorrow . . . remember 150, and I want to deal with you and Castiel, not Moose,” before he got out of there.

“What’s option B, Beth?” 

“The real God,” Beth said with a sigh before she picked up her books, so she could make some lesson plans for her classes tomorrow. 

“The real God? You mean the room shaking just now was the real God?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, when I saw Crowley the last time, he wanted to take a lot more of my blood after I cut my arm to give him some, and then he tried to intimidate me by asking me who would stop him if he tried . . . and we got into this whole debate about how I’d just have the real God kill him, and he said he could snap his fingers and kill me before I could pray to the real God. I just proved him wrong.” 

Her trip with Crowley suddenly sounded a lot darker than he’d thought. Sam hadn’t known Crowley threatened to drain her dry then. But she’d also left out a very key part of the conversation. 

“Why haven’t you just had the real God kill him yet?” 

She bit her bottom lip in thought before saying, “Four reasons . . . I lost it and couldn’t do anything for a week without looking at your shirt.” She glanced up at him with a small smile when he exhaled a laugh, because he hadn’t thought of that. They started walking to the door, and she added, “Also, I already have a big prayer request put in . . . I tend to only get one at a time. That rumbling just now doesn’t really count. Crowley would’ve found Kevin and Metatron by now if that prayer request weren’t still in effect. Third, if something goes wrong with the prayer request, and Crowley explodes while he’s on Earth, then I have no idea what will happen with all those monster souls. Fourth, I want Dad to find Michael before I do, so we can get Michael out of wherever he is as soon as possible after Crowley is gone. The last thing we need is a demon version of Michael.” 

That made sense, but they were running out of time on that. Crowley at least said he’d have an end date for them tomorrow, so that was something, but that didn’t mean the end date would be tomorrow or even the next day. They needed to plan for what would happen in the event that Crowley didn’t put those souls back. And now he had to add the real God into his plans of keeping Dean and Beth from doing stupid if and when Purgatory was opened, so Crowley could put those souls back. Things just got a little trickier.


	6. Getting Some Answers

_This is just fucking awesome._ Sam had called everyone together for a big discussion on all the plans everyone had on what to do about Crowley. Beth wasn’t giving up whatever hidden things she had in the works. Sam told them all Dean’s plan. They all disagreed with it, and it pissed Dean off, because it would work. 

He noticed Sam didn’t offer up whatever he was planning. None of them knew what Cas was planning until Gabriel told them, and now Cas was as pissed off with Gabriel as Dean was with Sam, because they disagreed with Cas’s plan too. Basically, all of their primary plans were the same. Keep Crowley from exploding with all those souls and at the same time try to lock Crowley in Purgatory. Where they differed was in how they planned on getting Crowley into Purgatory and what their plans were on how to keep the others from getting dragged to Purgatory in the event something went wrong. The second one, the back up plans, were the problem because they all involved self-sacrifice of some kind or another.

And Beth was not meeting Crowley with Cas tomorrow. The last time she was left alone with the two of them she went crazy. She was just bouncing back from that . . . mostly . . . there were some changes, like her still needing Sam to help her with the nightmares, and the way she was with Rogue. 

Every time she was with Rogue she blocked Dean from knowing what she was thinking, but Gabriel must have jimmied the way she did that or found a way around her blocks using back channels, because Dean hadn’t known until Gabriel started doing it that she was really beating herself up over something that was 100% his and Cas’s fault. A lot of the time she thought that Sam had replaced her and sometimes she thought the other women that stayed at the camp on a full-time basis had replaced her. Now she didn’t think there was any room for her in their daughter’s life. 

It was like she completely dismissed anything she did with Rogue in the 4 months before she left for Heaven, because she thought that what she’d done then wasn’t good enough, and now she thought it was too late for them. She had missed a lot, but she’d been around for 4 months out of . . . no, it was shit. She’d only been able to be with her daughter for a little less than half of their daughter’s life . . . maybe half if you included the the last couple of weeks, but she hadn’t really been at her best. 

It pissed Dean off, because Beth hadn’t done anything wrong, but she was the one suffering, and no matter what he said, she wouldn’t see it that way, so he didn’t say anything. If he tried, he’d probably make it worse, because he honestly didn’t know if Rogue knew that Beth was her Mom or what a Mom was. He knew that whenever Beth walked in the room, Rogue would crawl or stagger up to her and hold onto her leg or reach for her hand, or if Beth was already in a room that Rogue was going into, Rogue wouldn’t rest unless she was sitting next to Beth wherever she was, whether it was the couch or the floor. 

Their daughter didn’t do that with anybody that wasn’t him, so he knew she knew that Beth was important, but a Mom? He didn’t know. The best he could come up with was trying to teach Rogue how to say Mom when Beth wasn’t looking. He wanted Rogue to say that before Rogue said Sam. If she said Sam first, Dean was worried that it might make Beth give up all together.

What made it worse was that Beth wasn’t wrong that other people in the house thought that she should give up. He’d started paying more attention them after he heard Beth thinking about how they looked at her when she was with Rogue. Unless it was one of the teenagers or a hunter that was stopping by for a visit, all eyes were on Beth . . . And that was with Gabriel or Dean in the room. 

One time Gabriel left the living room just as Dean was about to go into it, and Gabriel told him to stand there and watch what happened, so he did not knowing what he was supposed to be watching until he saw Jody come over and pick Rogue up in the middle of Beth showing Rogue something. When Beth looked up at her, and said, “I was just -“ Jody had interrupted her by saying,“You can see her when Sam or Dean come back.” 

Beth had looked down at her hands and thought she must’ve done something wrong, so Dean had stepped in. He’d taken Rogue back from Jody, put her next to Beth, made it clear that she was Beth’s daughter, and then said Beth didn’t need supervision to spend time with her. Since then he was the only one allowed to babysit Rogue during the day, while Beth or Sam were teaching, or Ty and Jenna could babysit her at night during things like this meeting. 

He needed to sit Jody and Olga down and have a word with them . . . confront it head on the way he had with Sam. Whatever made people turn on Beth sometimes was filtering down to his daughter, and it was his job to stop it before it got worse.

And Beth was different when it came to sex. The sex had been really intense. They’d always traded off on who was in charge, but when she was in charge now . . . he didn’t want to say that she was punishing herself, because she was using him in all the right ways and enjoying herself, but she wouldn’t let herself finish . . . she’d find every way she could not to do it, which seemed to turn her on because she was denying herself something, but not as much as when he took over, and . . . he didn’t know how to explain it, but he’d tell her to let go, and she would as soon as he did, and . . . it was his way of letting her know she was worth it . . . when he was in charge from start to finish, building her up and telling her to have that release as many times as he could in whatever time they had was like him telling her she was worth it over and over again, and she was a lot more submissive those times than she used to be . . . in a good way. He liked it . . . a lot. He wanted to have more of that kind of sex than he got . . . He wanted to have more of the fun kind of sex they used to have too . . . You could say that since the drought was over, he wanted it all the time, except they were always busy, and she slept in the same bed with Sam, so every few days when he could find a way to get her alone was the only way he had a shot if he was lucky. After this Crowley thing was done. He was taking her somewhere else for a few days, so they could spend some time alone. He wanted another one of the sessions like -

Gabriel spoke up and said, “Nice try, Sam, but none of them are really listening. They’ve already decided they’re each going with their own plans and are thinking about other things.” He pointed at Dean and said, “Sex,” before he pointed at Cas and said, “Trying not to smite Dean,” and then at Beth before he said, “Literally has circus music going on in her head.” 

Sam glanced at Dean and Cas and shook his head before he looked at Beth and smirked while he leaned into her shoulder to get her attention. “Circus music?” 

She looked confused, because she hadn’t been listening and was wondering how Sam knew that. “I was thinking about what the weirdest thing any of us killed was, and then I thought about those Croat clowns you shot in the face and then I started wondering if they’d had any animals at that circus and what happened to those when they turned, and then it kind of . . . devolved . . . a little.” 

Sam thought of something funny and laughed. “I don’t know about killed, but Dean and I saw an alcoholic, porn-addicted teddy bear try to off itself once.” 

Beth smiled and said, “I saw that . . . it was before you guys let me come on the road with you, but I saw that in the future Gabriel showed me.” 

Sam was surprised that one was something that Gabriel would show her in the future, and Gabriel said, “How could I not let her see something like that. That was almost as good as something I would cook up.” 

Dean loved how nobody caught the important part of that little reveal. _Why the hell is Cas trying not to smite me? So what if I was thinking about having sex with Beth? She’s with me. It’s something we do. It’s not something Cas is ever going to do with her._

He decided to see if that’s what this was and started thinking about some of the things he and Beth had done together this last week. Cas turned a seriously dark look his way, and Dean stopped. _Cas can’t seriously think he has a shot with her._ Dean had worked really hard on trying to understand it . . . it wasn’t something Cas could control very easily, and Cas had been making himself scarce around Beth, so Dean thought maybe Cas was trying to do the right thing until he figured out how to control it, but from the look he just got . . . it didn’t look like Cas wanted to do the right thing. It looked like Cas might’ve been staying away, because Gabriel told him to stay away and not because he wanted to. 

Cas opened his mouth to say something, and Gabriel pointed at him before he said, “Out . . . now. Both of you.” 

Sam gave Gabriel a nod, like he’d handle things with Beth, and then Dean got why Sam had been talking to Beth about stupid crap that’d happened on hunts, like how she loved when they had that cursed rabbit’s foot. Sam had been trying to make sure Beth didn’t register the tension in the room, because Sam didn’t want her to know they were fighting about her. Sam didn’t want her to know what Cas having part of her soul was doing to Cas or what it might do to her. There was every possibility that it could have the same effect on her if she got too close to Cas for too long, but Sam thought that if she knew what was happening, it’d make her get rid of Cas unnecessarily if all they had to do was give it some time and figure this out together. Sam thought if she lost Cas because of this it would set her back a lot. Cas was important to her . . . even more important to her than Dean had thought . . . apparently.

According to Sam, Cas was an even bigger part of her life than anyone else in some ways . . . she’d spent a lot of time in Heaven observing Cas and helping him out without him knowing it . . . she got into a lot of trouble over the years helping Cas. It hadn’t just been the one time . . . again according to Sam, because Sam was the one she was talking to about all of this for some reason. 

Gabriel looked like he agreed that she shouldn’t know about it now, because he wasn’t backing down on kicking him and Cas out. Well, Dean wasn’t leaving, and it looked like Cas wasn’t hanging around anyway, because he disappeared. Problem solved. Dean didn’t feel like talking about this Crowley thing. They were all gonna do what they were gonna do. Beth was probably going to get her way on it. What he really wanted was a drink, so that’s what he went to go get. Sam watched him, and looked like he was gonna say something, so Dean took the bottle and headed out the back door instead of just pouring a glass. _Don’t need to put up with Sam’s opinions on my drinking. It’s fine._

Dean was sitting on the back steps for a good half hour before he heard the door behind him open. _Can’t even get an hour to myself._ He was expecting Sam and a lecture. He wasn’t expecting Beth and a bottle of her own vodka. Dean eyed her bottle while she unscrewed the top. “You sure that’s a good idea?” 

She took a sip before she looked at the bottle in his hands and responded, “You tell me, Mr. Forgets-A-lot.” 

Dean exhaled a quick laugh before he looked down and asked, “What would your shrink say?” 

She shrugged. “Won’t know unless you rat me out to your sponsor . . . think they know each other.” She is on a roll tonight. 

“I’m not the one with circus music going in my head,” he answered glancing at her. 

Beth took another sip and said, “What can I say, Dean? I’m crazy like a fox,” before she glanced up at him to let him know she knew exactly what was going on with him and Cas even though Gabriel and Cas couldn’t pick up on it, and Sam didn’t know. That meant she knew there was friction tonight before he did, because he didn’t know until Gabriel said anything, and by that time Gabriel already thought she had a pipe organ goin’ in her head. 

“Neat trick. Have to teach it to me some time.” If he couldn’t block the angels from what he was thinking, he needed something like that. “How’d you know?” he asked looking down at her. 

“When to set it up?” He nodded, so she said, “I know Cas. I know how to read the signs . . . having him sit next you probably wasn’t a smart move, but I guess I get why you guys put me over next to Sam and across from Gabriel.” 

She knew a hell of a lot more about what was going on than anyone thought. Dean slid closer to her and said, “Is that the same kind of parlor trick you used when Gabriel was telling us about it a few weeks ago?” 

She took a slightly longer drink before she looked down at the bottle in her hands and sighed. “Yes, and no. I might’ve started to slip a little there, so I was filtering out most of what you guys were saying, and thinking about things I thought were more important, but stuff gets clogged in the filter when you’re doing it . . . You pick up enough to know . . . kind of the way I knew what you and your Mom were talking about that first time we had Pamela get in touch with her, because most of what I was thinking was that I wondered if she knew I was the trollop that let her son knock me up, but I was still able to jump in on the wendigo farm conversation with you being none the wiser.” 

Dean was in the middle of taking another drink when she brought up talking to his Mom so he choked on it when he laughed. _She was nervous meeting Mom?_ Thinking about his Mom . . . he needed to find out where she was in this whole souls going missing in Heaven fiasco. After Crowley, that’s what they should do next.

Beth took another drink and said, “I just didn’t want to deal with it. I still don’t want to deal with it, hence the circus music and talking to Sam about funny cases and pretending I don’t know what’s going on when I do.” 

Dean looked down at her. “So, why bring it up now?” 

She looked away from him and answered, “Because you needed to hear it . . . to know that I’m aware . . . and I don’t want to talk about it after this. Gabriel and Sam . . . all they’d want to do is blah, blah, blah, me to death over it. You won’t do that. You won’t want to talk about it again either.” 

Dean took a deep breath and asked the question he needed to know. “So, when we got there . . . “ He couldn’t ask it now that he started it. It looked like she needed more to drink, because she had at long drink that time. Maybe that’s why she brought the vodka if she knew this was the way this conversation was going to go. 

“How much do you want to know?” Everything sounded pretty good, because he still hadn’t gotten any real answers from Cas, just a lot of excuses from Gabriel. 

Dean didn’t have to say that he wanted her to tell him everything. She already knew, so she took a deep breath and said, “I read the incantation and distracted Cas the same way I distracted him playing checkers . . . by the time he turned back around, he only had time to keep me from getting killed when the power from those souls came flying out of Purgatory. I knew he would. He’d known about the contract on my soul for almost a year and hadn’t killed me to make it null and void, which would’ve saved a lot of angel and human lives, so I figured he’d save me instead of just staying there and taking the souls. He tackled me . . . pretty standard last second move to save somebody from something like that. I didn’t like the look on Crowley’s face. I’m about 90% sure he was planning on wiping us out right then and there, so I told Cas he had to relinquish his right to the souls to remind Crowley he signed a contract, and also remind Crowley that if he wanted to kill something, he could go kill Raphael. As soon as Cas said he relinquished his right to the souls, Crowley relaxed and disappeared. Cas was talking to me after Crowley left. He wanted to know why I did it. I told him I made the decision for him . . . I knew he was trying to beat Fate at her own game. It’s why he played the part of being the villain all year, so he could trick Fate at the very end . . . to keep there from being any loss of life like there was on that show I watched. It was a misguided plan, and he should’ve talked to us about it, but that’s what was wrong with him all year . . . He wanted to know how we were going to fix the problem of getting Crowley to put the souls back. I told him it didn’t matter, because Raphael would be gone either way, and I knew how to take care of the Leviathan, but that maybe we needed them to be garbage disposals for a while and then I told him he could apologize to you. He wanted to know why he should apologize to you, because you hadn’t treated me very well, and . . . it threw me because that didn't have anything to do with what we were talking about, but it didn't throw me as much as . . . I’m not an idiot. I knew what was happening. I just didn’t know why it was happening . . . I thought he was clueless . . . I tried to ignore it until I couldn’t, so I asked him what he was doing. All I can say is I’m sorry, Dean. I felt and still feel really guilty about it.” 

That sounded like everything. He hadn’t actually expected a play-by-play of their conversation, but it was good that he’d heard it. Maybe there was a part of him that’d thought that more happened than he’d seen, because they’d been pretty cozy. It was better than thinking that he and Gabriel had walked into the middle of something that’d already started. She put an end to it before anything happened, or she was going to, but it’d looked like Cas was going to show her what he was doing when they got there. 

He got what she meant when she said she thought Cas was clueless, because it wasn’t something he would’ve ever thought Cas would do . . . Cas was a virgin that scared sex workers away, but according to Gabriel, it’s built into angels to know how to seduce humans when they want to do it. It’s why when they were let off their leash, angels had sex with as many humans as they could . . . so he got what she meant by not thinking that Cas meant anything by it until it was obvious that he did, and he got how they ended up in that position in the first place. Cas fell for her pointing behind him to make him look at nothing when the souls were about to fly out of Purgatory. It definitely seemed like something the Cas he knew would do. And he got Beth’s part in all of it . . . ‘Yeah sure I’ll stand in front of a few million souls from Purgatory to save my friend Cas.’ That was definitely Beth, but how did it make her feel? That’s what he needed to know.

He watched her. She wouldn’t look at him. He had to know so he asked, “How’d it make you feel?” 

She took another long drink before she said, “Dean – if this is a reaction to him having my soul . . . I’m still the original. Missing those pieces isn’t something I do as much as the pieces miss being with me . . . Just like with Rachel.” So, it wasn’t having an effect on her in that way . . . just maybe if Cas tried to seduce her it might . . . if she stuck around long enough to find out. If she didn’t and ran off the way she used to run off on guys who hit on her, she’d be okay . . . He felt himself relax and a weight lift that’d been there for a month. He still had to ask the next question.

“Do you want it to happen again?” She looked down and shook her head. She was reaching her limits on how much more she was going to say on this. She took another long drink and then went back for seconds before she glanced at him and said, “You shouldn’t blame Cas for the soul thing. It’s my fault. Before he touched my soul, I was trying to focus, but I was still concerned I might explode, so I asked God not to let me explode, and then the next thought I had was that I hoped Cas had enough energy to stay powered up. I think it must’ve slipped into what I asked God. That’s why I’m being a little more cautious in what I ask God for help on with Crowley.” 

Dean saw why she needed the extra drink now. “That’s what Cas says . . . You seriously expect me to believe that God did this?” He might’ve said that with more anger than he’d intended. 

She glanced at him and said, “Cas and Gabriel both know . . . and I know they’ve both told you the same thing. You have to know if Gabriel’s never seen something like this in the entire time he’s been around . . . something freakishly weird happened that’s never happened in billions of years.” 

_Yeah, I know, but if God did it, what does that say about Beth and me? Is God trying to tell us we shouldn’t be together now? I thought Gabriel said she and I were soul mates._ “Is God why Cas turned into a dick that wants to kill me now?“ 

“No. I don’t know why he’s doing that. It’s ruining everything. I only want to be with you. I’ve never wanted to be with anyone else, and I never will. I’m sorry. It’s just like everything else I’ve fucked up, and I don’t know how to fix it.” 

Dean put his hand on her bottle to keep her from drinking any more of it and put his own bottle down while he wrapped an arm around her and said, “I don’t blame you. I think God was taking liberties on where the cut off in your prayer was for a reason. Got any ideas why?” He didn’t want to be mad at her. He wasn’t mad at her. He wanted to let her know that. 

She sighed before she glanced at him. “The only thing I’ve come up with so far is that God wanted to clean house in Heaven. It’s why my prayer to get rid of Raphael and his Army from Hell fell on deaf ears. If the angels get their power from souls in Heaven, and that power is distributed amongst the Host so that they can keep each other powered up, then the Host mostly being wiped out . . . aside from the archangels that wouldn’t be affected by that, Cas is –“

“The only one that’s still fully powered.” She nodded before she looked down again. That theory actually made a whole lot of sense. “Any ideas about the souls up there?” 

Beth shook her head and said, “Honestly, I don’t know, but my feeling is that they were blocked off . . . nothing going into that side of Heaven, except hopefully the newly departed, which means the power from their souls and communication were blocked off too. I think God wanted to get rid of a few angels, and that’s it.” _Maybe._

“Hey, you think it was a lesson for them? Like there is no way the group of angels that were up there should be in charge of souls after what happened to you. Cas and Gabriel are the only two that ever did anything for you . . . Gadreel did too. You said he tried to take some of the blame for you when you orchestrated that jailbreak up there.” 

Beth looked down with a sad smile and said, “No, I don’t think . . . I got Gadreel out before things got bad up there . . . That’s why he’s okay. I’m not important enough for –“ 

“You are. It’s like you were a test for them, and most of them failed. If they could do what they did to you, they could do it to all of us . . . wish I knew what happened to Hael or even Balthazar.” Talking to her had made him feel better about a few things that’d been weighing on his mind. He could hold onto the hope that his family was still up there until he found out for sure they were just in lockdown for their own protection. For now it looked like he was gonna have to learn how to deal with Cas being a dick until Cas worked out how to handle having part of her soul . . . Who knew how long that was going to take, but at least Dean had the why on how all of this had happened. That made a difference.


	7. Together

I woke up next to Sam the next morning. “I need you to promise me something.” I looked over at him, so he continued, “Don’t start drinking to keep the nightmares away . . . when they come back, they’ll be worse . . . you need to hit this head on.” 

_Nothing like a lecture first thing in the morning._ “That’s not why I was drinking,” I answered before sitting up without giving him a promise on anything. That was the first full night of sleep I’d had in weeks. Either it was because I’d talked to Dean about something that’d been weighing on my mind, or it was because of the alcohol. A little experimentation was in order. 

Sam watched me and seemed curious. When Sam gets curious, he starts snooping and researching and eventually finds the answers, so I cut out all of that and explained, “Dean and I had a chat about what happened with Cas.” 

He quickly sat up and said, “Did he-“ 

“I haven’t forgotten what happened . . . I know what he and Gabriel saw after Crowley got the souls from Purgatory.” 

Sam looked off to the side and slumped before saying, “Oh, that kind of a chat.” 

“Yeah, that kind of a chat.” 

He sighed before he got up too and muttered, “How’s the mental slip and slide going after that?” 

I threw on one of my sweatshirts, so Sam and I could do our morning jog and said, “I don’t normally drink to numb things down . . . it was difficult, but I’m still standing . . . and ready for our jog.” 

Maybe I wasn’t quite so ready. I had to stop halfway and put my hands on my knees to catch my breath and steady myself, because I felt dizzy. Sam came jogging back to me and asked if it was because I was hungover, and I exhaled a laugh. “Nah . . . one of two things . . . I’m pregnant again or it’s from the blood loss.” 

I grinned at Sam’s expression and then put him out of his misery. “Definitely option B . . . doubtful it’s A . . . Dr. Thomas sorted me out after I got back with no memories. Said it was something I used to take before . . . and that it was good to keep up with it just in case.” 

He got that look on his face that he got when he was pissed off about me giving Crowley blood. There was nothing I could do about it. It’s just the way it was for now. “We’re taking a step towards finishing it this afternoon,” I said before standing upright. 

“Yeah, you mean this afternoon when you have to give him 150 mL . . . you should’ve never agreed to that, Beth.” 

“Yeah, you’re probably right . . . at the time, it just seemed easier than dealing with him if he had a temper tantrum . . . you didn’t see what he did to Raphael in Heaven . . . I don’t want to get on his bad side over 50 extra milliliters, and I talked him down from 200.” Sam shook his head, like he thought I was a dope. Maybe I was. 

“You can go ahead and jog back without me. I’ll walk back. I promise I won’t go crazy or fall down a well.” I looked towards Bobby’s. You could see it from there. It wasn’t that far. He looked like he was going to say no. _Why is everyone obsessed with protecting me all the time?_ “I’ll be fine, Sam . . . if I run into problems, I’ll pray to Gabriel, and he can come get me . . . besides, you need to work on your lesson plan. I checked it before I went to sleep last night . . . if you’ve moved up to the Crimean War . . . you’ve incorporated them acting out opposing sides of the war, and that’s good, but don’t forget to focus on the good things that came out of it, like Florence Nightingale . . . see if you can’t inspire some future nurses . . . and if it were me, since you teach English and History, I’d tie in The Charge of the Light Brigade into both classes . . . repetition will make them remember it better . . . plus, that’s a brilliant poem.” He’d started off giving me his bitch face, because I said his lesson plan needed work, but he liked my suggestions at the end, so he agreed to let me walk back on my own and took off without me. 

A couple of minutes later, I felt a presence land beside me. “Hey, Cas.” 

“You should not –“ 

“So help me . . . if you say I shouldn’t be walking down this road by myself, I will kick you.” He asked me why I was so angry, so I said, “I have too many protectors . . . I didn’t have them when I needed them, and now I have them when don’t. I had to send Meg and Abbey out hunting with Carrie the other day, because Abbey was driving me batty by following me around all the time. I told her to protect Carrie the way she would me . . . I’m sure Carrie will come back angry with me because I did, but at least I know she’ll be safe . . . well as safe as she can be.” 

She’d had to leave Lily with us, because she didn’t think she could spend all of her time protecting Carrie and take care of Lily. Dean was babysitting Lily and Rogue, while Sam and I taught class during the day, and Sam or I babysat them, while Dean and the one not babysitting, did the finishing touches on the last cabin we had to rebuild after the daeva attack. 

We wanted to keep an eye on Lily because of the succubus quarter of her. She was really small, and she wouldn’t mean to do anything with it if she could, but she had the potential to do some serious damage if she did. So far that didn’t seem to be a problem. I thought it was good that she and Rogue had each other. I wasn’t quite sure how the aging process would work for Lily. I guess she was only a quarter Amazon and her Mom hadn’t been able to become a full-Amazon, so maybe she was even less Amazon, and that’s why she was growing at a normal rate for a child her age. She was more human than anything else . . . just like my daughter.

Cas suddenly said, “She was causing you to relapse?” 

_Relapse?_ I laughed when I got what he’d meant. “No . . . it’s a figure of speech in this instance.” I wondered why he was there. _I bet he’s lonely. Everyone seems mad at him right now._

“Angels do not get lonely . . . I have been keeping busy.” 

_Angels do get lonely. They have a hive mentality. You need a hive, whether it’s an angel or human hive._

“You didn’t ask me –“ 

“I know what you’ve been doing to keep busy. Gabriel told me. He said you got hurt on the last one. I don’t want you getting hurt for something like this. Heaven, Earth or Hell?” 

He ducked his head and answered, “One was in Heaven and one was in Boise, Idaho. I have not found the rest.” A Punishing Angel of Hell in Boise . . . That sounded ridiculous. 

“So, why do you think Crowley wants to meet the two of us this afternoon? My guess is that it’s because he wants to go over something to do with the contract. You did say you would help him put those souls back . . . maybe that’s it?” 

Cas looked away from me and answered, “I will deal with him. I do not know what your plans are, but you should not do them.” 

_Not likely. I have a few plans in play, Cas. I need to fix the mess I made._ He asked if I thought I’d made a mistake because I didn’t let him take the souls, and I quickly put that one to rest. “No . . . I wouldn’t change that. I should have put something in the contract about the tablets . . . whether he would’ve adhered to it or not, I don’t know, but it should’ve been there . . . and I would’ve added something about not taking other beings, like Michael, and torturing them.” 

We heard Crowley say, “Sounds like someone is a sore loser.” _Why is he always popping up behind us?_

When I turned around, I responded, “Of course I’m a sore loser . . . you’re not much better . . . you used to hate it when I beat you in chess nearly as much as I hated losing to you, and I haven’t lost the entire game . . . just this leg of it. I still outmaneuvered you in Las Vegas, so it’s a tie.” 

_Gabriel, Cas is with me. Crowley just showed up. I think we’re doing this earlier than planned. I’ll keep you updated._ I missed whatever snarky thing Crowley said while I was praying to Gabriel, but it didn’t matter, because I wasn’t interested in his snark this morning. “I assume you want –“ I was cut off when Crowley snapped his fingers and Cas and I were standing in the same place we’d opened up Purgatory. 

I asked Crowley what he wanted, while I went to go sit on the table . . . my table. I think I was going to find a way to keep it. “I want my blood first!” He said pretty forcefully, like his life depended on it, so Cas stepped in front of me, but I put my hand on Cas’s arm to push him out of the way some, so I could see Crowley. 

“Say please, and it’s my blood until I give it to you.” When he looked like he was going to throw a fit, I added, “Option B, Crowley.” He calmed down some, and said please, so I asked if he brought anything to collect it with, and out came a little chalice . . . so pompous. “Cas, can you tell how much is exactly 150 milliliters of blood?” Cas looked a little confused, but nodded, so I said, “I need you to measure out by sight exactly 150 ml after I cut my arm, so I don’t give him any more than that, and you can’t heal it . . . if you remember that’s in the contract.” Still don’t know why Crowley put that in there unless it was because if I died, the contract would be null and void, and he could do whatever the hell he wanted. He must’ve been taking a leaf out of Raphael’s book with that one. 

When I was done, Crowley took the cup, and Cas had a pretty similar reaction to the one Sam had yesterday when Crowley decided to be vulgar and drink it in front of him. “I’m trying to bother you, not them . . . why doesn’t this bother you?” Crowley shouted. 

_Okay . . . looks like I’m not the only one that caught the crazy train._ “Why would that bother me? I think we need to put those souls back. You’ve lost your mind,” I answered with a disappointed shake of my head. Cas told me not to keep making him angry. “Why? He won’t do anything to me.” 

“No, but I might kill the angel on your shoulder there.” 

_That’s just stupid. Cas is supposed to help him put the souls back, and Cas might be the only one who can do it safely without getting sucked into Purgatory with him._ “You’re not thinking rationally . . . And you can’t kill him. It’s in the contract that you can’t, the same way it’s in the contract that you can’t kill me.” 

“Fuck the contract. I might as well do what I want while I’ve still got the power to do it, and I’ve never like that angel.” 

I stood in front of Cas and said, “Stop it. You’re better than this Crowley. You might be smarmy and evil, but you’re not stupid, and that’s the way you’re acting. What do you want? Why are we here?”

Crowley turned to prop himself up the table using his hands as a wave of pain swept across his face. “You’re still mediating the contract. Get the ingredients together. Bring them back here by tonight. I’ll make a lunar eclipse and give the souls back . . . I’ll need you to stay close, because you’re going into Purgatory with me if I end up there for any reason.” He looked really bad. I didn’t know if he’d make it to tonight. 

Cas put his hand on my shoulder to get us out of there, but wherever he took me to start getting the ingredients, I had to stop him before we did. “Cas, things have changed. We need to go get Dean and Sam. Gabriel can stay with Rogue. I don’t want him anywhere near Crowley with as unstable as he is.” 

Cas stopped mid-step and looked down at me. “Things have changed how? Is it because of what happened between –“ 

“No, it has nothing to do with that. You saw Crowley. He waited too long . . . probably because he couldn’t find Kevin and Metatron. I think he might explode before we have a chance to do this his way. I’ve been making a lot of mistakes lately. I want more people involved to make sure we do this the right way.” He relaxed a little and nodded as soon as he knew that it wasn’t because I didn’t want to be around him on my own anymore. I felt bad for him. I needed to have a talk with him the way I had Dean.

Apparently, I needed to have another talk with Dean too, because his reaction to seeing Cas with me when we in landed in Bobby’s living room wasn’t stellar. Cas hadn’t done anything wrong, but Dean was still mad at him. He was trying to control it . . . better than Cas was at the sight of Dean. I needed to deal with it, just not right now. 

I filled them in on what was going on with Crowley. Sam was the only one focusing on the task at hand and asked, “So, you think that’s why Crowley came early? You think he knows he won’t make it?” 

“He spent too long looking for Kevin and Metatron. God hid them from us until this is over too. If he hadn’t, I think Crowley would’ve used one of those mind control devices on us or taken one of us as a bargaining chip, so Crowley’s only play was trying to find them while he was still almost as powerful as God, but he ran out of time. He’s not going to make it to the finish line if we don’t do something to get rid of those souls faster than by tonight.” Sam looked like he didn’t think that was the only reason Crowley held off this long. He probably thought it was because of my blood too. He was really annoyed by my decision to agree to that. He’d get over it once this was finally over.

I looked at Gabriel and asked a question I hadn’t been ready to hear the answer to until now. “What happens if the Purgatory souls get released while Crowley’s still on Earth?” 

“You don’t want that to happen. That amount of energy being released would be a lot bigger than what I did when we were at the Devil’s trap . . . And then after it happens you’ll have millions of monster souls you have to round up. If you think human spirits are bad . . . “ 

Monster spirits? I’d never come across something like that, but they must exist, or he wouldn’t have said it. We couldn’t let that happen. It sounded like it’d be a mess. I didn’t particularly want to see the other half of my soul either if we survived long enough to see monster spirits, but I didn’t say that. 

Dean offered the first opinion on what we should do. “I’ve been thinking about it, and we can’t just ask God to send Crowley to Purgatory before Crowley gives the souls back, or Crowley will use his god power to get back out. If he does that, we’ll still have the same problem with him going nuclear on Earth. So, what if we ask God to take Crowley out and put the souls back . . . if God will only do one of those things . . . ask him to put the souls back.” 

He made a good point about Crowley just being able to get back out if he still had the souls. “If Crowley is in such bad shape, that the prayer to keep Kevin and Metatron hidden from him wears off, that should work, but we won’t know –“ 

Sam interrupted me to say, “If that’s what you think it’ll take for it to wear off, than I don’t think we have to wait much longer. Crowley’s too messed up to even just look for the ingredients for the spell, or he would’ve gotten them himself or made them appear out of thin air. I’d say transporting you to that warehouse took a lot out of him. Actually, Crowley making the lunar eclipse happen is just about the worst idea, because that might make explode right there.” 

In the event God didn’t answer, we had to put in a failsafe. “What if we get what we need to summon Death, so we can tell Crowley we’re trying to prevent him from exploding, and so we can have an excuse to show up earlier than tonight? We’ll tell Crowley that we wanted to do it in front of him, so he knows it’s all above board . . . We’ll make it sound like we’re trying to help him, because it’s in all our best interests . . . It’ll make him drop his guard, and he won’t expect me to pray to put the souls back right then and there. Once they’re gone, we can cure or kill him, because he’ll be too weak to stop us. I’ll give you a signal to let you know when I’m about to try asking God, so you know to be ready, and if it doesn’t work, we can still go through with summoning Death and the spell to open the portal into Purgatory. Crowley won’t suspect we tried to double-cross him, and we’ll find some way to keep him from exploding until it’s time.” 

When I was done, Dean glanced at Gabriel and asked if Death could make the eclipse happen in the middle of the day, and Gabriel answered, “He could. He probably won’t if he thinks it interferes with the natural order, but he might be persuaded to send Crowley to Purgatory himself and keep him there if Crowley insults him.” That wasn’t bad. I think we had a plan and a back up plan in place, and we came up with them together. 

I went to grab some borax from the kitchen in case we needed it, and Sam pulled me off to the side to say, “Thanks.” _For what?_ Sam grinned at my general look of confusion and looked behind him to make sure nobody was listening before he said, “You had Cas bring you back here to include us and didn’t just deal with it yourself.” 

_Yeah, that’s what I would normally do._ I hung my head and said, “Well, on something this big, I think having more people involved will help prevent the kind of screw ups that happened the last time.” 

Sam looked thoughtful for a few seconds before deciding to respond. “Maybe that’s something we both need to remember . . . the small things on hunts are okay to deal with on my own . . . on the big things, I need to consult everyone . . . I should’ve thought of that. I’m not sure why I didn’t.” 

He was still afraid of hunting and turning back into what he was. I didn’t think he would, but I thought him being worried about that was a good sign. “You did think of it already . . . mostly. It’s why you called the meeting to order last night . . . You didn’t fill anyone in on your plans, but none of the rest of us did either. We were all going to tackle this our own way. When I saw Crowley today, I knew Cas and I couldn’t do it on our own. I guess I learned my lesson better than I thought I did.” 

He didn’t get to respond, because there was a commotion in the other room. When we got there, Rogue was sitting on the floor between Dean and Cas holding a My Pet Monster. It was the friendly one, the one with a smile and the chains on its wrists. I used have one just like it. She loved it. She was touching its face the way she would one of the Wild Things in her book. It was her very own real life Wild Thing. 

Apparently Dean didn’t want her to have it, because he didn’t want her to get used to monsters and become a hunter. That was pretty weak. He was just pissed off because Cas was the one who gave it to her. I loved that Cas had given it to her, but I wasn’t very happy with the way he was angel-posturing towards Dean . . . especially around my daughter, so I said, “Go outside . . . now,” while I went over to pick her up, which surprised her because other than the time with the Alpha Changeling, I’d never done it before. When neither one of them left after I’d turned to hand her off to Sam, I pointed to the door, and when Dean started to protest, I cut him off. “Out . . . now.” Dean and Cas turned to leave, but I know I heard Dean mutter, ‘like Father, like daughter.’ 

As soon as they were far enough from the house that Rogue wouldn’t hear, I started my . . . rant, I guess you could say. “It’s a great present, Cas. She loves it. It’s her own real life Wild Thing from her book . . . when she starts stabbing it, then I think we can worry that she’s going to become a hunter, Dean, and I thought if that’s what she wanted to be, she could, or are we changing that now, and Cas is trying. You’re the one that asked him to bring her presents. I think he feels as bad about all of this as you do. It’s just presenting itself as anger towards you.”

Turning back to Cas I addressed the thing that’d really pissed me off. “And I don’t ever want to see you act like that around Dean or my daughter again, Cas . . . never . . . you are never to let smiting Dean enter your head again. He is more than your charge. He is your friend. He is your family. I shouldn’t have to tell you this. You should already know it . . . and Dean . . . Cas isn’t going anywhere . . . not unless he wants to go. It’s up to him. I don’t want him to go. You don’t really want him to –“ 

Dean cut me off while he looked at Cas and said, “Yeah, I do. I get that he had no control over getting part of your soul, but I can’t deal with him being a dick that thinks he has a right to you now . . . The only reason he’s still here is because you need him to help rebuild your soul now. That’s it.” 

_What? First of all, Dean can’t mean that. He loves Cas. I know he loves Cas. Second of all, why do I need Cas’s help with my soul now? That’s my job that Dean has been helping me do. It’s our thing._

Gabriel came up and put his arm around my shoulder while he said, “That’s not important. I know you have other things to do right now, but do you mind if I show Dean something from your from your time in Heaven?” 

_What kinds of something are we talking about here?_

“None of the things you don’t want him to see. He needs to understand why you don’t want Castiel to go anywhere.” 

_And how it has nothing to do with anything that’s happened recently?_ Gabriel nodded, so I agreed to it. I thought he was going to touch Dean’s forehead or something and give him the memories, but instead he disappeared with him. 

As soon as they were gone, Cas hung his head and said, “I’m sorry . . . I have not handled this the way I should have.” 

_No, you haven’t. Coming close to smiting Dean . . . definitely not the way you should have handled it._

“I will not let it come to that again . . . I do not understand these emotions or why I am having them,” Cas said looking away from me. 

“You know it’s not just because you’re an angel, right? Angels have emotions even if the wiring is a little different. You’ve just never felt envious. You know what angel has? Lucifer. You need to get this under control.” 

Cas glanced at me, but he didn’t say anything about it. Instead he asked what I thought Gabriel was showing Dean. I bit my bottom lip in thought. _What would Gabriel think Dean needs to know?_

“When I stumbled onto you in Heaven, I found you intriguing, because you didn’t follow the rules, but the more I saw of you, the more convinced I was of how good you are. That wasn’t just important to me. It was something I needed, because . . . to me the universe is bleak. It’s a black hole of despair and desolation, and when you find something good, you have to hold onto it, or you’ll be swallowed up by the darkness . . . I wanted to find Dean. That’s what gave me hope and made me want to survive, but until I could find him, the only light in the universe I saw in person was you . . . If you want something, you can try to get it and keep trying, but eventually if the things that happened to me happen enough times . . . all you can see is the darkness . . . all you can see is the futility of trying to get out of that pain and anguish . . . you give up . . . but seeing that there was a little bit of good in the universe. It made me not want to give up, and I would have . . . I’m not that strong, and . . . the older I got the worse they were to me after the Punishing Angels showed them how far I could be pushed. I would’ve lost my will to keep fighting if it weren’t for you _and_ Dean . . . maybe that’s what he’s showing him.” Cas asked me a few more questions, but that speech kind of wiped me out, so I kept the answers to a bare minimum after that.


	8. Twist of Fate

Dean stood there and watched Beth and Cas talking. This felt really dishonest. “You wanted to know . . . You wouldn’t ask her. How else were you going to find out?” Dean glanced at Gabriel, but didn’t anything. _This is a shitty lesson._

Cas apologized to Beth for something he’d seen when he and Dean were trying to clean up her soul. “Did they really –“

Gabriel cut me off. “You really don’t want to know.” 

_What the hell does that mean? Why does everyone else that knows what happened to her up there keep telling me that I don’t want to know?_

“You really wanna know? It’s the one she begged me to help her with when you were in Heaven . . . it’s not even close to as bad as it got for her.” 

Gabriel went to touch Dean’s forehead, and Dean backed away from him saying, “You told her you wouldn’t show me anything she didn’t want me to see, and she doesn’t want me to see that . . . she’s said it a few times. What we’re doing here is already wrong enough. Don’t betray her like that. We need to go kill Crowley.” 

Gabriel crossed his arms and said, “And yet it came to a grinding halt once again because of a stuffed animal. Have you seen why Castiel is important to her yet?” 

_Yeah, Cas was Cas, and it made her believe there was good in the universe. It helped her not give up on getting out of Heaven and finding me._ Dean sighed and said, “Yeah, fine. Cas can stay. I wasn’t gonna kick him out anyway. He’s been a dick lately, but I don’t want him gone either, and he looks fine talkin’ to her now.” 

Gabriel snapped his fingers, and they were visible again. Dean wondered if Cas and Gabriel had been in on that together or if Gabriel had gone deep undercover, so that not even Cas knew they were there. After Cas’s posture changed into a confrontational one when he saw Dean again, Dean thought they must’ve been deep undercover. 

Dean didn’t know what was wrong with him either. Last night he was coming around to the idea that God had done this to keep Cas fully powered after the fall of Heaven, but it was just the look Cas threw him when he came back with Beth . . . It wasn’t Cas’s fault. Dean had to try and remember that. Didn’t mean he was gonna let Cas walk all over him, but maybe he could try to do a better job of not taking the bait. And Beth was right about the Pet Monster. It was perfect for Rogue . . . a little too perfect . . . might’ve been something Dean wished he could’ve gotten for her . . . kind of stole some of his Dad thunder . . . maybe a little. He couldn’t fly back in time to pick one up for her from 1986, the same way he couldn’t fly to Heaven or Hell or wherever to kill off what was left of the angels that’d tortured Beth the way Cas was. 

Cas looked at Dean and looked away again without saying anything. Must’ve picked up what he was thinking again. Well, that was as close to an apology Cas was getting from him on it. 

After Beth and Gabriel got all the things they needed for the summoning Death and opening Purgatory spells, Sam handed Rogue to Gabriel, and Cas took the rest of them to Crowley’s abattoir. Cas being able to transport all of them like that confirmed that Cas was as powerful as ever. He hadn’t been able to do that when he was de-powered. God really must’ve wanted to make sure Cas got his mojo back . . . or it’s like Dean thought last night, and it was some kind of a reward for Cas helping Beth when none of the other angels did except Gabriel and Gadreel. 

Cas looked at Dean again, but didn’t say anything. It was weird having unintentional one-sided conversations with Cas. When they were almost to the door, Beth and Cas got in front of him and Sam. Crowley had to see them first. He and Sam were supposed to – 

Cas turned to look at Dean and said, “Don’t think about the plan when we’re in there. He can read your mind if he hasn’t already.” 

Dean thought about what Beth had said last night. “That circus music thing actually work?”   
Cas tried not to smile while he gave him a slight nod. 

That’s about the time Crowley’s voice came through the doorway telling them to stop standing in the hall. When Crowley saw Dean and Sam, he didn’t even try to hide his annoyance. “Squirrel . . . Moose, wasn’t expecting you to show up.” 

Dean broke off from the other three and went left, before saying, “Just here to make sure this goes off without a hitch.” Sam broke away from Beth and Cas and went right towards the opposite side of the room from Dean. They both found something to sit on to make them look relaxed. Table for him . . . a chair that was way too low to the ground for Sam. That’s what Dean decided to focus on any time he felt his mind start to wander where it shouldn’t . . . how stupid Sam looked. 

Beth walked towards Crowley with her bag. “Did you bring it?” She hopped up on the table next to where Crowley was standing, like it didn’t bother her being that close to Crowley. It should. He looked like he was going to explode any second. It didn’t look like she was acting. “Beth and I are friends, Dean . . . it’s not an act. I’d know,” Crowley said looking at him. 

Crowley heard him think that from over there? Good to know. _Sam looks like a giant sitting in a little girl’s chair . . . Does it have flowers on it? They look like flowers . . . and the chair is purple. What the hell is a kid’s chair doing in a place like this?_

Dean was aware of what was going on around him, but he didn’t think about it. Instead he thought about that stupid chair until Crowley broke his concentration. “Don’t even think about getting up, Sam. If she wants me to finish this deal, I’m going to require more.” 

Crowley wanted more blood? But she didn’t have to . . . _That purple chair had to get here some how._ Dean couldn’t let himself think about how there was no point in Beth agreeing to anything, because Crowley was going to be dead soon, so he kept focusing on that chair that he was beginning to hate. It was hard to keep this up for long without thinking about everything he shouldn’t be thinking about when that’s all he wanted to do. 

Sam stood up anyway and rolled up the sleeve on his shirt while he started walking towards them. “Take mine. I don’t want you to have anymore of hers.” Dean got up to mirror Sam’s movements. He wasn’t letting Sam go up there alone. Sam had really gotten protective of Beth lately. Sam saw her as a victim that he needed to help counsel and nurse back to health. Dean supposed that was probably a sign of how bad what she was actually going through at night was. He wondered if he knew what Sam knew . . . _How would it change the way I see her? Why did Sam say that? I wish I knew if –_  
Catching Dean off guard, Crowley abruptly turned towards him and said, “Be careful what you wish for,” before he touched Dean’s forehead, and Dean fell to the ground clutching his head. 

_Where the fuck am I?_ It was really dark. His attention was drawn to a glow coming from behind him. When he turned, he could see a little better because of the light coming out of the figures standing there. Their backs were to him. They didn’t know he was there yet. Whatever they were doing wasn’t good, so he moved around them to get a better look and assess the situation. When Dean saw what was on the rack in front of them he froze. 

They’d been at this for a while already. Dean looked around for anything he could use as a weapon, but there was nothing in here. _Maybe I can give them somebody else? If they want to torture someone for kicks, they can have me._ He tried to get their attention . . . yelled, walked right up to them, and tried to hit them, but his hand went right through them even though they looked solid. 

_What the fuck are they switching to now . . . oh God._ On instinct, he threw himself over her, but found himself standing back where he started while they . . . and the screams mixed all the flesh and blood and bone . . . it started adding to all the fucked up images that were already in his head from Hell and completely overloaded his system. Being here was worse than when he was in Hell. All those Sam’s in the Hell weren’t real. This was.

When it was over, and they left, he didn’t really know what to do for her. He couldn’t just pick her up and get her out of here. There wasn’t a whole lot of her left. Walking up to her, he tried talking. He didn’t want her to feel alone. He knew she always did up here, and it was worse after things like this happened. 

He quickly looked to his left when the door opened and stood in front of her, but he didn’t have to because she wasn’t there anymore. She was being drug into the room by the guards, and then a whole new torture session started. He didn’t know which was worse, the screaming or her being completely silent, so she could shut it all down, because she looked like a living, bleeding doll. He couldn’t stop anything they were doing this time, and he tried. Over and over again, he tried to stop each new horror she faced, and then when it was over, he tried to talk to her and let her know she wasn’t alone until something new started up.

Some part of him was vaguely aware that Sam was shielding him from something and that the ground under them was shaking. It was like he was in two places at once. One he could see and hear and the other he could feel. There was something big roaring in the background that drowned out the angels he couldn’t understand. _What the fuck is that? It’s on Sam’s side of whatever this is._

By the time Dean managed to get to his feet and push Sam away from the roaring . . . he still wasn’t right. He was seeing and mostly hearing what was going on in his head, like he was there. It made him blind to what was happening in the real world, so he had to try and feel his way around it. He needed his weapons bag. _Did I bring it? No . . . brought a gun, not the weapons bag . . . didn’t want to spook Crowley._

The next thing Dean knew Cas was telling him that he was going to get them out of there, and then Dean and Sam were somewhere else. _Where’d Cas go?_ Dean got lost in what he was seeing and hearing on the torture rack again until he felt Beth standing next to him. The first thing he did was pull him to her and cling to her while he tried to get through what he was seeing happen to her in his head. _Beth’s in my arms, not on the rack._

Beth was talking. _Focus on her voice . . . the one that’s not screaming._ Dean didn’t know what she was saying, but he heard Sam say, “If that’s what you saw happen . . . tell Cas to do it. I’ll take it.” _Take what? Take this? No. Sam can’t have it._

Dean pulled Beth tighter to let her know that’s not what he wanted. He focused on using their connection to let her know he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to share this with anyone else. This was between him and Beth . . . it’s why they were together. It’s why he knew what she was going through in the images he was seeing, because he’d been there too, and she knew him and what he went through in Hell so much better than he ever thought. It’d just taken her a little longer to catch up to him on remembering it, and she needed him to help her with this. Sam could try . . . Sam was doing a good job with her, but Sam didn’t understand it the way Dean did. She needed him. He’d told her this before . . . that he was the only one that understood . . . he just never knew how well until now. 

It did change the way he saw her. It added more depth to what he felt for her . . . it wasn’t just love . . . it wasn’t just a connection . . . it wasn’t just because she was his friend and they had fun . . . it wasn’t just that she was hot or they had great sex or an amazing little girl together . . . They were bound by this too in a way they never would’ve been if Raphael hadn’t taken her even if they were soul mates. They were bound in pain and torture and grief and anguish and self-hatred and feeling a weakness that nobody else could ever understand. 

He wasn’t alone with something he’d buried so deep he hadn’t known it was still there. She wasn’t alone either, because she had him. All the talking in the world, all her descriptions of what’d happened or what she felt . . . those would never compare to him having this . . . now he could help her. _Don’t let Sam take this._

Dean heard her say, “Okay, Dean. I won’t,” and felt her rub his back. He should be comforting her . . . and then he realized that wasn’t how this would work. He needed her to do it for him as much as he needed to do it for her, and she needed him to help her as much as she needed him to let her help him. It was kind of something he’d already known and had thought they did . . . he didn’t know why this was acting like some kind of an epiphany for him. A lot of the things he was thinking now he’d already thought and used to think he understood, but he never really did. Not until now.


	9. Watching and Waiting

“This isn’t the way this was supposed to happen, Beth, and you know it,” Sam said in frustration after they got Dean to bed. 

She sighed while she closed the bedroom door and brought him downstairs. “Nothing has been exactly the same since Lucifer died . . . I mean . . . Crowley wasn’t supposed to get the souls. Crowley’s not supposed to be dead and his meat suit isn’t supposed to now be inhabited by whichever Leviathan decided to stay behind when the others squirmed their way out of him . . . and Eve’s not supposed still be alive. Michael’s supposed to be locked in the cage with Lucifer, not locked up wherever Crowley has him . . . Dean wants this for now. We’ll monitor it. If it gets to be too much, we’ll try to convince him to give it up. If it has to go to somebody, I guess you and Cas can fight over it, because you’ve both volunteered, but if we do it against his will right now . . . it would be bad. It’s something I’ve been harping on and you have too . . . we can’t keep making decisions for other people if its not what they want.” 

_Nothing has been the same since Lucifer died? Try nothing has been the same since I made a deal with Crowley for that werewolf tablet and let the Croatoan virus out instead of jumping in the cage. I should’ve done that. I’m the one that’s supposed to be struggling with my sanity right now, not Dean. Oh sure, the Leviathan are still out . . ._ Sam had never seen anything quite like what he saw in that warehouse after Beth threw some borax on Crowley. His entire head changed into nothing but teeth . . . _so that crappy thing still happened, but now Dean is suffering in my place?_

Dean wasn’t equipped to handle Beth’s torture memories in Heaven when he had his own torture memories to deal with from Hell, and Dean wasn’t in his right mind right now. Whatever he wanted wouldn’t hold up in a court of law. He’d never seen Dean like this. Not once. Dean was completely out of it. Shaking him didn’t help snap him out of it, and talking to him didn’t make him look at anybody directly. Sam had tried both of those things while Cas went back in to get Beth. As soon as Dean realized Beth was there, he refused to let her go, like he was a man that was drowning and needed her to be his lifesaver. He wasn’t talking. Cas could pick up what he was thinking . . . apparently Beth could too, which was new.

“How can you be so calm about this?” Sitting on the couch and putting his head in his hands, Sam tried to think of something that would calm him down. _Where’d Rogue?_ Gabriel was probably putting her to sleep. It was about that time. She needed her Dad. Dean couldn’t keep this. It wasn’t Dean’s to take. 

Sam still didn’t know why Crowley did it. Beth did say Crowley had become increasingly erratic and aggressive. Crowley was dead. That was good, or was it? Who’d take his place in Hell? They had to find out if they wanted to kill the leader of the Leviathan. Without their leader, the others wouldn’t know what to do. 

Beth sat next to him and finally said, “I’m not. I’m freaking out. Can’t you tell?” No. She always hid things like that. Even with the nights she had now, you’d never know it to look at her during the day. Sam didn’t think he was up for helping her tonight. “I’ll explain what Cas and I have figured out.” 

Sam gave her a look. “You’ve already told me . . . There are three levels to Dean right now. What we see, which is vacant and pliable . . . what he’s aware of out here . . . his eyes are open, but he can’t see us. He can hear us a little and knows who is in the room with him, but all he can actually see and mostly hear is what’s going on in his head. He’s experiencing something that’s overloading his brain, and that’s why he can only communicate by thinking. He’s lucky he has people he can communicate with out here, because it gives him a line to the outside world. If he didn’t have that, he’d be completely lost in his head unless something big is going down out here, like it was with the Leviathan.” 

Beth nodded before she said, “Good. So, you do know all of the symptoms. Was it a curse or a God-like thing? Can it be reversed, or does he have to dig his way out?” _Symptoms? She’s right. If we know the symptoms, it gives us somewhere to start. I’ll start going through some of the lore on curses._

“Maybe the way he’s coping with it is a good sign. He’s turned this into a good thing that he wants. That has to be the last thing that Crowley would’ve wanted him to do, so maybe Dean will be able to break out of it on his own given enough time . . . He’s awake again. He’s calling for me.” Sam looked upstairs. Dean was shouting for her loud enough in his head that she could pick it up down here? He had no idea what that meant. Beth patted his knee before she stood up and said, “I’ll take the night watch, Sam. You probably won’t get any sleep, but maybe you should try.”

Hours later, Sam didn’t know if he found anything on any curses, but he found a good book on mind control and other similar spells, so maybe there was something in there. His eyes needed a break. He went upstairs to see how Dean was. When he stuck his head in the room, Dean was lying with his head in Beth’s lap and an arm draped across her legs while she lightly ran her hand through his hair. “Why?” Beth asked quietly. 

Sam couldn’t see Dean’s eyes. He wondered if Dean could see him on some level, because he was in his line of sight. Beth glanced in Sam’s direction, so she knew he was there. She pointed at Dean and made a hand gesture to explain that Dean was talking to her before she looked down at Dean and went back to running her hand through his hair and said, “You really think it’ll help?” 

Whatever Dean thought next made Beth sigh. She glanced at Sam again, and Sam nodded. She wanted to be alone for whatever, but he still hung around in the hall to see what was going on. “Pick a band or a song.” Beth exhaled a brief laugh and said, “You know I don’t sound like James Hetfield, right?” Whatever Dean thought next, made Beth say, “And you know I’m not doing any drum or guitar solos, right?” She was quiet for a few seconds. “Okay, I’ll stop stalling . . . I’ve got one . . . fits the situation pretty well.” 

Sam smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand when she started singing _One._ It was all about a guy being trapped in his body. She had such a messed up sense of humor and poor timing on things like this, but if he let himself not think of the seriousness of the situation . . . it was kind of funny. 

When she got towards the end, she started laughing. “You’re gonna take over on the guitars and drums here?” Maybe Dean really was in there, and her talking to him was helping if he could interact with her the way he seemed to be. It’s what Sam would do tomorrow when it was his shift . . . he’d need Cas or Gabriel to tell him what Dean was thinking though. “Okay. I’ll sing and you can play the guitar, and we’ll start a band . . . What will Sam do? … Manager . . . pretty good fit actually . . . I’m not singing that . . . No . . . Because it’s not my song to sing . . . It’s your Mom’s song . . . I know . . . I’m sure she’s okay. We’ll find her when we get this sorted . . . we’ll go find Michael and get him to help.” 

Sam had forgotten about the souls in Heaven going missing. Missouri was gone, so they didn’t have a way to find out unless Pamela stopped by soon. He needed to get onto the other hunters and tell them about the Leviathan. Beth thought they might be helpful for the time being, but who knew where they’d end up? It was always one thing after another. They never got a break. 

“You want some of the ones I sing to Rogue? Why?” Beth asked in confusion. “No . . . I want you to focus on getting out of your head. Stop trying to fix things you can’t fix . . . because what’s done is done. I don’t want to talk about it right now . . . Okay, if it’s the only way you’ll stop talking about it, I’ll do it.” 

_What was that all about? What does Dean feel like he needs to fix? If he’s trying to fix something with Beth, she’s right. Dean needs to focus on himself first._

Sam really hated seeing Dean like this. He wanted to do something about it right now, but he didn’t know what to do. The answer wasn’t in the book he’d been planning to read downstairs. Sam sighed and slid down wall, so he could sit on the ground just outside the door. He wanted to be nearer to his brother without disrupting what his brother needed from Beth. Maybe Dean needed to hear her voice to focus on it, so he could remind himself that he was seeing in his head wasn’t really her. 

She sang quite a few songs, and every time she tried to stop, Dean asked for another one. One or two were songs she said Gabriel used to sing her, and one was Birdhouse In Your Soul from They Might Be Giants, which was kind of a fun one for a little kid, because it’s about a nightlight, but most of the songs seemed to be sad or have a deeper meaning and might’ve given him more insight into her relationship with Rogue. Then she sang another song Sam knew, Twilight from Elliot Smith. It was a great song, and it was definitely one that would put a baby to sleep. It was also really sad. He hadn’t heard it in a couple of years. 

Sam thought that was it. Maybe Dean was asleep? No, Dean just asked her to sing _Hey Jude_ again. It took some time for him to convince her to do it, but eventually she did. That one must’ve put Dean to sleep, because Beth didn’t say anything else. _Maybe she fell asleep?_ If she did, Sam thought maybe he should wake her up or send her into Rogue’s room, and he’d sit with Dean, because the last thing he thought either of them needed was for her to wake Dean up with one of her nightmares. 

He had a sneaky look around the corner. No, she was sitting in there with her hand on Dean’s shoulder and Dean’s head was still in her lap. She looked lost in her thoughts and wrecked . . . maybe she was silently crying. That emotional toll she’d hidden all day was clear as could be right now when she thought she was alone. It had to be hard on her to know what Dean was seeing. And if Dean went down hill . . . well, Dean wouldn’t go down hill. None of them would let that happen. 

She wanted to respect Dean’s wishes, but Sam knew she was as close to finding a way to take these memories away as he was . . . He wondered what would happen if she took this on for Dean. It might actually solve everything. If Cas or Gabriel took whatever was wrong with Dean and gave it to her . . . they were her experiences . . . if she didn’t want Cas or him to see what happened to her, her taking this away from Dean would prevent that from happening and give her more peace of mind in the long run, so she could keep it private. According to Cas, part of Dean’s reluctance to give this up was because he didn’t want anyone else to see it either. 

Sam would let Dean sleep for now. But he was going to bring it up as the only solution to this problem in the morning. Beth wouldn’t take any convincing. Dean wouldn’t want to do it if it put her at risk even a little. Sam had all night to work on his sales pitch.


	10. Sacrificial Lamb

Castiel could clearly hear Dean think that he did not want anyone else to undergo his current crisis for him . . . especially not Beth. He knew Beth heard it too, because she glanced at him before she looked at Sam and said, “He says no . . . pretty emphatically. He thinks bad things will happen to him and me if we try. He doesn’t know why. He just does . . . I trust his gut instinct . . . I’m going to vote no too.” 

Sam didn’t look like he was going to accept that. Castiel wasn’t surprised. Sam could be stubborn when it came to Dean. “I vote no as well . . . We don’t know what Crowley did. Maybe he intended for Dean to become a little less human as revenge for Dean making him a little less demon when he started the cure. If that was his intention, it hasn’t worked. Dean’s soul is under attack, but he has turned it into a positive. It will take time, but Dean will overcome this.” 

Dean thanked Castiel in his head. Dean shouldn’t thank him. He hadn’t done anything for Dean’s gratitude. All he’d done was agree that Sam’s plan was unwise. Dean was strong enough to overcome this. He was already much better today than he’d been yesterday. Most of his attention was outside of his head instead of in it even though he was still primarily trapped there. 

As soon as Dean overcame this, Castiel would start trying to make amends. What he’d wanted . . . what he still found himself wanting with Beth . . . that was something he could not control to a certain extent, but his behavior towards Dean over the last few weeks . . . Envy was the thing he disliked feeling the most. He didn’t want to be like Lucifer. His behavior throughout this had been unforgivable, and yet Dean had apologized to him. 

Dean had also admitted his inability to do the things an angel could and that because of that he’d been bested . . . initially that had not been Castiel’s intent. He’d gone in search of the Punishing Angels, because he’d felt like the time to think about killing them was over. It was time for action, and he’d needed a goal that took him away from Bobby’s for a while, but as soon as he saw Dean again after he came back, he could not resist throwing Dean’s ineffectiveness at doing anything to any of the angels that had hurt Beth in his face. 

He’d done it again when he brought Dean’s daughter a toy monster like the one Beth had as a child. It had been devious of him, because that time he had done it to show Dean how ineffective he was at being a father and had hoped to goad Dean into another confrontation, so that Beth would side with him . . . and worse than that, he’d wanted to kill Dean twice in the last couple of days. Dean hadn’t done anything wrong. It was deplorable. Most of Castiel’s anger came from shame for his behavior . . . both with Beth and towards Dean. Guilt. That was an emotion that he was familiar with in his own repertoire of emotions, but it was not the same as shame. 

Castiel felt the same shame wash over him when he glanced at Beth as Dean and Sam both urged her to get some sleep. When Castiel saw Beth on Earth the first time, he’d wanted to thank her for finding a way for him to be in charge of going to get Dean, but he’d had to pretend like he didn’t know her. He’d admired her determination as much as Dean’s when they faced Alistair together. He’d trained her and been critical of her in an effort to make her better, so she might be able to defend herself against his siblings some day. He’d been on hunts with her and had seen how reckless she could be with her own life. He’d saved her numerous times and had advised her and been her friend, and she had been his. He’d cared for her almost as much as he did Dean. He loved Dean and Beth both . . . it’s just his love of Beth was taking the form of wanting to express it with physical contact, and he felt shame for wanting that, because he did not want to interfere with what Dean had with her. It was wrong.

There was a lot about Dean that he wanted to emulate. Dean could stare into the face of adversity, be dominated by it throughout the battle, and still managed to come out on top with his integrity in tact most of the time. Dean fought for those weaker and stronger than him if they needed help. Castiel had a great deal of respect for Dean. It’s why he’d been so angered by Dean’s approach to Beth when she had the baby. 

He’d expected more from Dean. He’d felt like the gift that Dean had been given, and everything that Beth had done to be with him were a waste if Dean would leave her when she needed him most. She’d panicked and asked Castiel to help her raise Rogue. He’d contemplated it while he held Rogue in his arms after she was born. She was beautiful and fascinating. He’d thought about how he wasn’t Gabriel. He could not be the father she needed, but he was her godfather and had promised to always keep her safe. 

When Dean got there, it seemed that the best way to do that was to leave her with Dean. He knew now that he’d been wrong to take Beth’s memories of Dean . . . He’d known at the time that it was wrong for him to use her in his his scheme with Crowley. He was not wrong to have taken her from Dean . . . If he had not taken Beth, Dean would not have learned the lesson that he’d needed to learn . . . a lesson on how he should not take for granted that Beth would always be there merely because they were connected. 

Dean had learned his lesson, so his separation from Beth had served its purpose, but Dean had also gotten lost in his need for her to remember him after she came back. Before he received a piece of Beth’s soul, Castiel did not understand why. Now he did. Memories were important to share with another person, so you knew why you were important to them. He would not want Dean or Beth to forget him . . . but given the circumstances, perhaps their life would be better if he were to erase their memories of him and left. 

“Still haven’t learned our lesson, Castiel?” Gabriel asked in the doorway. Castiel sighed. Gabriel was monitoring him to make sure he followed the correct path. He knew that Gabriel was trying to help, but all it really did was annoy him. 

Sam looked at Castiel warily and asked Gabriel what he meant by that. Sam thought Castiel was having impure thoughts about Beth and wanted him to leave the room. “He wants to erase their memories of him and disappear.” 

Sam gave Castiel an annoyed look and thought two things simultaneously that contradicted one another. The first was that Castiel should not interfere with Dean’s or Beth’s or anybody else’s memories anymore. The second was that perhaps it would be for the best if he did. 

“It was a thought. I swear that I won’t do it,” Castiel said to reassure Dean and Beth who’d both gotten upset at the thought of losing him from their lives. Now he couldn’t, because he swore he wouldn’t. He’d have to find another way. 

Castiel felt like leaving the room, so he did and gave Gabriel a defiant look as he passed him. He thought some of Gabriel repeatedly revealing his thoughts to the others was the trickster in Gabriel finding amusement in his discomfort. He also thought that Gabriel was a hypocrite. 

For as much as Gabriel spoke about how wrong it was for angels to be with humans in an intimate way, Gabriel had partaken of it multiple times down through the ages and had fathered at least one child. Castiel suspected that there had been more than just Beth. Why did Gabriel think that was acceptable if it wasn’t for Castiel? It was true that the woman Castiel wanted that kind of contact with was with a man who Castiel still wanted to be his best friend even though his actions of late had not suggested it, however, if Beth were not with Dean, why would it be wrong? “Because she is with Dean. Thinking in the ‘what ifs’ leads to temptation, Castiel,” Gabriel said after following him downstairs. 

“How many more of your children are out there?” Castiel asked while he went to go pick up his goddaughter. She needed attention. 

“Why? Thinking of having one of your own?” Gabriel asked watching him. 

_Was that meant to imply that I want Rogue to be mine or that I want children with Beth too?_ “Not after I have seen what our brothers and sisters do to our children. I wonder how many more of yours have received the same kind of treatment Beth has,” Castiel answered while he sat with Rogue on the couch. 

Gabriel rolled his eyes. “That’s a poor attempt at trash talking even for you, Castiel.” 

Trash talking. Castiel had heard that term and knew what it meant. He looked at Rogue and the book she was holding. _Puffy._ It seemed to be about a puppy. Gabriel had given this to her, because it had been one of Beth’s favorites when she was very small the second time.  
“You are right. I know what kind of treatment they would have received. They would have been killed shortly after birth. It would’ve been better if the same had happened to Beth.” 

_Gabriel is irresponsible. What happened to Beth is Gabriel’s fault. He is not some great father because he tried to make amends for it after the fact. Perhaps if he’d –_

Castiel was cut off from his thoughts when Gabriel snapped his fingers, and Rogue disappeared before Gabriel picked Castiel up by the lapels of his trenchcoat and flung him through the front door and out into the front yard. Castiel got to his knees, but Gabriel was already there and hit him too many times to count. When Gabriel stopped, Castiel was no longer sure of his surroundings, let alone able to stand. All he was aware of was the archangel that stood in front of him. 

Gabriel had pulled himself up to his full angelic height in an effort to impress upon Castiel that he had all of the power while he said in Enochian, “So, you want to be punished, is that it?” 

Castiel looked up at him. _Dean wouldn’t do it, so I pushed you to it._

“Please, you didn’t push me into anything. I’m just getting sick of you being a moaning little bitch and thought I’d give you what you wanted. Did it work? Do you feel any less shame? Has your guilt dissipated?” Castiel looked away from him and shook his head. “There is a better way. You just have to find it,” Gabriel said letting him go.

“Uh, Gabriel . . . can you take Rogue up to Dean and translate what Dean’s thinking for Sam? I’ll take it from here,” Beth said from behind Gabriel. Gabriel glanced down at Castiel to give him a look that was meant to let him know he needed to be on his best behavior before he turned to go back into the house. 

Crouching down to help Castiel, Beth put his arm around her shoulders to get him to his feet and then started to guide him back to the house. “Gabriel said no touching.” 

Beth exhaled a laugh. “I hardly think you’re going to jump me when I have to help carry you back to the house.” 

When they got back to the house, Beth helped him sit on the steps before she scooped up some snow, so he could put it against the swelling of his face. While he held it there, she sat next to him and turned to grab some things from her first aid kit that she’d brought out with her. “I do not need –“ 

“Yes, you do . . . you might be able to heal, but right now you need someone to show you that they care.” Before he could argue with her more, Beth lightly swabbed one of the cuts under his eye. It was somewhat different than her reasoning the last time. Last time it was because she wanted to say ‘thank you’ for what he’d done to help she and Dean with Alistair. Now she felt sorry for him, because she didn’t want him to feel alienated, but that is what he deserved to be, so he said that. 

“No, what you need is to remember that you’ve been around for a long time, so you should know that what matters right now won’t matter next week or the week after that. What you also need is to remember that you were given the opportunity to keep your angelic strength, because God thought you were worthy of it. He or She –“

“He.” 

“Whatever. God didn’t think it was more than you could handle. You just have to find your own way to do that. It’s something you’re used to doing. By going your own way, you became the kind of angel that helped us prevent one Apocalypse and clean up the devastation of another. Trust yourself more, and stop trying to be bad. You’re not very good at it.” 

Beth cleaned the last of his cuts and sat back to appraise her work. He’d already healed the first of the ones she’d cleaned, even if the swelling on his face would take longer to heal. He was not worthy of the praise she gave him yesterday when she told him that he helped her have the strength to keep fighting in Heaven, and he didn’t deserve the praise she was saying to him now on why she thought God let him have part of her soul. He’d betrayed his family. 

“You don’t deserve to punish yourself or have anyone else punish you for what happened, Cas. Nobody wants that. Just say you’re sorry to Dean for the way you’ve been acting, and that will go a long way to restoring everything as it was,” Beth finally said while she put the rest of her supplies away. 

“I have –“ He was going to say that he had done a great disservice to she and Dean that couldn’t be as easily remedied as she said, but she cut him off while she stood and helped him stand. 

“Overreacted? Yeah, you have. Nothing happened. It doesn’t mean you’re bad or need to be punished.” 

It did. He’d betrayed Dean. She needed to see that he wasn’t someone she could rely on anymore, so he decided to show her why he was a danger to her way of life, which is not something that he wanted to be after everything that she and Dean had been through to find one another. He quickly turned to wrapped his arms around her, pushed her against the house, and looked down at her to read her reaction. It wasn’t what he’d expected. She didn’t appear to desire him when she looked back up at him and said in Enochian to make it clear, “This proves nothing, Castiel.” 

She knew why he’d done what he’d done. It seemed to defeat the purpose, and now he found himself in a difficult situation, because he found that the only thing that appeased all the turmoil he’d been feeling was being this close to her. It made him feel like himself to not have that inner turmoil. Perhaps this was why she required hugs from time to time. Maybe he was the one that had needed a hug this time. He wondered if Dean needed a hug. Maybe he should hug Dean more often and that would make Dean feel better about what happened. He suggested that to see what she thought.

“You’re going to start hugging Dean now?” 

He nodded, and she exhaled a quick laugh. “You should definitely do that when he gets better. He’ll love it . . . even if he says he doesn’t.” Okay. Then that’s what he’d do when Dean had been put right. 

“Uh, Cas?” He’d been focused on her lips and had gotten too close. 

“Are you sure that this –“ 

“It doesn’t change that you are the light that guided me home when there was nothing but darkness all around me.” 

_Home. Dean is her home._ It was a subtle reminder of Dean and also meant to let him know that her high regard of him had not diminished. He gave her a brief nod to let her know that he understood and released her. 

If he wanted to live up to that . . . he had a job to do right now. He’d put it off, because he didn’t want to force Dean into anything, but this was the right thing to do, so Castiel left Beth standing by the door and flew up to Dean. Dean was aware he was there and relieved he was, because Sam and Gabriel were annoying him. 

Dean wanting him there, even after everything that had happened between them, solidified Castiel’s decision, so he indicated that he wanted some time alone with Dean. As soon as the others left and could not stop him, Castiel said, “I’m sorry for everything, Dean, and for this,” before he put his hand on Dean’s forehead and took what ailed Dean onto himself. Instead of baring witness to things Castiel did not want to see, it all went dark, and he was lost.


	11. He's Lost His Mind

I knew as soon as he left where Cas was going, what he was going to do, and why he was doing it. Before I even got to the bottom of the stairs, I heard Dean shouting for Sam. By the time I ran up the stairs, Dean was picking Cas up under the arms and directing Sam to get Cas’s feet, so they could get him on the bed. Sam was asking what happened, but I thought it was fairly obvious. 

Gabriel stood next to me in the doorway. “He found another way?” I nodded. It looks like he had. It didn’t mean that I was all that happy to see him laid out the way he was, but – Gabriel cut off my worries by saying, “He’ll be fine. I’d expect him to come out of this the way he did in the future I showed you.” 

_Cas did come out of that. He came out of it different, but he came out of it. This isn’t the same thing that afflicted Sam in the show, but maybe this would have a similar effect?_

Dean checked for a pulse. He looked calm on the outside, but inside he was panicking and the guilt was already starting to build in him. When he looked over at Gabriel and me, he asked angrily, “Are you two gonna stand there speaking in angel, or are you gonna help?” Gabriel and I glanced at each other. I guess he had been speaking in Enochian. “Wait. Did you know he was gonna do this?” 

I nodded, and Gabriel didn’t do anything except say in Enochian, “I’ll take your daughter for . . . an outing. I’ll bring her back later,” before he disappeared. _Great. Leave me here to deal with this._

“You didn’t try to stop him? I told you I had this. I didn’t want anyone else to have it,” Dean said while he came around the other side of the bed. 

Sam grabbed ahold of Dean’s upper arm to try and get his attention. “Dean, he’s still alive. He’ll be all right. Maybe this is a good thing. I mean . . . it’s what he was supposed to do.” Sam could see where this was going, and I could too. Dean’s feelings of panic had quickly been replaced by anger. 

“You know what? I’m sick of everyone following this . . . cosmic game plan . . . Fuck Fate . . . that’s what got us here in the first place,” Dean said rounding on Sam. Nobody had been following the game plan on this. Cas did it, because he was trying to make things right, and he only followed the game plan for the Purgatory souls, because he had a misguided notion of what it is we do. 

Cas thought we followed Fate and only won a few small battles against it, so he wanted to follow it until the last second and change the small battle at the end. What we really did was try to fight what was going to happen every step of the way, and that’s why the battles we won were won, not because we picked and chose the battles. 

Whatever Sam was saying to Dean wasn’t easing Dean’s anger, so when Dean looked back at me, he said, “I thought you said you didn’t know these things to make sure the bad things happened.” 

_I did say that a long time ago, and that’s not what happened here._ Sam asked me about it right after we got away from the Leviathan, because he remembered what I’d said about it in one of my many recaps that I’d been asked to give about that show over the years. I glanced at Cas on the bed behind Dean. I didn’t feel like arguing with Dean. 

Since I didn’t feel like arguing, and Dean was up for a fight, I said, “When you calm down, I’ll talk to you,” before I turned around and headed towards the stairs. I wasn’t expecting Dean to rush around me and block my exit in the hall. 

“You’re not holding up your end of the bargain anymore . . . ‘Guardian of the Future Intel’. I don’t wanna hear anymore about what might happen. You got that?” 

_That’s rich coming from him. He’s the one that asks me about it the most. In fact, he was planning on navigating himself around Purgatory using my intel, but fine. Whatever he wants._ I nodded before I ducked under his arm and tried to head downstairs again, but he stopped me by asking, “Did you make this happen?” 

I turned to look at him to see exactly what he meant. I did because of what I’d said to Cas, but I hadn’t done it intentionally, which is what he was implying. I was trying to make Cas feel better . . . not send him on a mission to become a beekeeper some day. 

Apparently, my hesitation in answering was long enough to make Dean think I had done it on purpose. “So, what? You wanted him to see what I was seeing . . . is there a reason for that?” 

_What? No!_

“Did you screw him to get him to –“ 

Sam was behind Dean and said, “Dean, that’s uncalled for . . . look at her. She was thinking out the answer. It’s more complicated than a yes or no answer. She –“ 

“Wanted to share something like that with him . . . not me?” Dean followed that up giving me a look he hadn’t given me, since he told me to sit on the bed or he was going to gut me on the day we met. Encroaching on my space, he leaned over me to say just as menacingly, “I think you seduced it out of him . . . played on his feelings for you to get him to take it away from me. So how’d you do it? Blow job? I know how good you are at those. An unexperienced guy like Cas, I bet he’d do anything after you -” 

Sam pulled him away from me to make him stop, and I went past them to go back to my room and grab my bags. They were already packed and ready to go. I’d learned a long time ago that it was easier to repack them as soon as a hunt was over, so if any emergencies came up, I didn’t have to waste 10 minutes doing it. I was glad for that now. 

On my way past them in the hall, Dean shouted, “So, that’s it? You’re just gonna walk away?” I glanced at Sam, and he gave me a slight nod to let me know he’d take care of it. It was only going to get worse. Dean meant every word. He still meant it. He didn’t think he’d crossed a line at all. _He isn’t my Dean._

I thought about the things Dean witnessed from my time in Heaven and wondered if they were the reason why he’d said the things he just said to me. It made me feel awful. I didn’t want to think about it. It mostly made me feel like curling up in a ball and crying. 

_But what if something else is wrong with him? Should I stay and make sure he’s okay? No, look at his eyes . . . look at the way he feels about you right now. You’re the problem. Remove the problem, and maybe he’ll get better._

I went to the kitchen and grabbed one of the sat phones Sam always had charged for the hunters. He somehow found a boatload of them that still worked and hadn’t been looted during the chaos of the outbreak. As soon as I grabbed the keys for one of the snow plows, I put my driving sunglasses on that helped with the glare from the snow and headed out the door without looking back.

It didn’t look like Dean was giving up that easily, because just before I climbed up into the truck, he called out, “Thought you were never gonna leave me . . . If you know what you want . . . I need to see it.” 

_Fuck. That’s check and mate._ I stopped. He was saying the only way I could show him that I wanted him and not Cas is if I stayed . . . I always said I’d never leave him, and I wasn’t doing that now. I’d come back after Gabriel checked him out, and after he’d had time to cool down and work through more than a few issues he seemed to have with me. It was emotionally manipulative of him.

He knew I knew that his greatest fear was that the people he loved would leave him, and I didn’t want to hurt him . . . but where do you draw the line? What about self respect? On the other hand, I did have a tendency to take off whenever something like this happened, but there had been a lot of times I’d stayed and muddled through. 

He used my hesitation to make his way to me, so I called him out on being manipulative. “And what you’re doing isn’t? Stay in line, or I’ll walk away

“Stay in line? Are you kidding me? You make it seem like I’m leaving because you didn’t do the damn dishes. I can’t –“ 

“Cope with it? Yeah, I don’t buy that. When you walk away it makes you look weak.” 

_That’s not what I was going to say, but okay._ “Or staying and putting up with it does.” 

That unintentionally gave him exactly what he’d wanted, because he said, “See . . . told you it was to make me see I can’t –“ 

“speak to me that way? No, you can’t. It’s not right, but that’s not why I’m leaving. You need to figure out what’s wrong with you . . . seriously. What’s wrong with you?” 

He stared at me for a few seconds and then quickly said, “Did you sleep with Cas?” 

_We’re sticking with that then?_ “What the hell did Crowley make you see to make you believe that I would do that to you? Why are –“

I could feel him getting really angry again before he cut me off, “Just answer the question.” 

I quickly said, “No, I didn’t,” but he didn’t believe me. 

He shook his head and almost shouted, “Just tell me. I –“ 

This is ridiculous. “I will not admit to something I didn’t do, and I will not grovel or try to reason with someone that thinks so little of me. I’m leaving because me being here is only going to make you worse. I can feel it. You aren’t my Dean right now. You were mostly okay with Sam, so he can take care of you. I’ll come back when you’re fixed . . . and just so you know, when I need to escape . . . it’s because it’s who I am . . . it’s the way I’ve –“ 

He knew where I was going with it and stopped me to quickly clarify. “It didn’t make you weak up there. It was your way of fighting back when you could. Down here . . . It’s your way of fighting with me . . . Never used to be. You used to stand your ground, so I know it’s not that you can’t cope with it, and it makes you look weak instead of sayin’ what you really wanna say back to me.” 

_His circular logic is crap._ “Maybe I don’t like saying things that I’ll regret later and opt not to say anything, and I am weak . . . trying to make me stay by saying that it makes me look like something I don’t want to be doesn’t change that I am what I don’t want to be.” 

That made him mad in a different way. He put his hands on my shoulders to give me some kind of angry pep talk or something, but I didn’t want to hear it, so I shrugged him off while I grabbed my bags and headed back towards the house. He could have his way this time. I’d stay, but he’d have to deal with me being narky with him until he apologized and meant it.


	12. Playing a Part

Sam watched in mild amusement as Beth walked into the kitchen, said good morning to him, washed her breakfast plate, and walked back out without looking at his brother. Dean watched her the entire time. The first couple of days had been a chore to get through, because Sam had totally understood Beth’s position on things. Dean had well and truly crossed a line, and Dean knew it, so Sam spent half of his time thinking Beth was in the right while also trying to keep Dean from spiraling straight to the bottom of a bottle. 

Then the next couple of days, Dean stopped hating himself over it and started getting more frustrated with her. Dean had expected her to get over it and put him out of his misery, but she wasn’t having any of it. Now, over a week later, Dean desperately wanted her to talk to him, so he kept needling her in an attempt to get her to respond to him, but she wasn’t falling for it. 

As soon as she headed out to start up the last of her classes before the kids got the 4-day weekend off for Thanksgiving, Dean turned to him and said, “Did I break her? Is that what this is?” 

Sam snorted while he took his plate up to wash it. He’d seen Beth broken, and that’s not what was going on here. When Sam turned back around, he saw that Dean genuinely wanted to know, so he leaned back again the sink and crossed his arms. “You’ve never gotten the silent treatment?” 

Dean shook his head. “No . . . Well, she didn’t talk to me for 5 minutes when we were leaving Heaven . . . until she knocked me down . . . If she takes off, I don’t hear from her . . . might as well have let her go.” 

_5 minutes?_ It was funny watching his brother squirm over this. Even if Sam thought they were perfect for each other . . . they were still a couple, which meant they weren’t going to be perfect with each other all the time. Sam remembered Jess doing this with him a couple of times. He didn’t even remember why, but he’d done something that upset her, not anything as bad as what Dean did, but something. He was a faster learner than Dean on it apparently, because he hadn’t let it go on for this long. 

“She stayed, so you got your answer to what you shouted in front of the entire camp. Now you’ve gotta earn the talking back . . . Don’t ask me how. Maybe stop insulting her and apologize and do something to show her you’re sorry . . . Other girls might want flowers or chocolate or jewelry or to have you say something nice to them you normally wouldn’t . . . but none of that stuff will fly with her, and uh . . . you’d better figure it out fast, because we’re going after Michael the day after tomorrow,” Sam said, offering what he thought was sound enough advice before he went to start up his classes.

At lunch, Sam went to get Beth a sandwich and bring it to her to make sure she ate. She was still bad about that in a way she never used to be. When he got there, the kids were being let out of class for the day, and he saw Dean sitting at a desk in the back, so he stopped one of the girls that was leaving and asked her what he was doing there. She shrugged. “I don’t know. He used to come into some of her classes at the first camp sometimes. He never used to interrupt her class though. Today he was asking questions, but she kept ignoring him, so he got the kids sitting next to him to ask the questions for him, so she’d have to answer.” 

Sam eye’s narrowed before he asked, “What kind of questions?” The last thing these kids needed was to have their lessons disrupted by all of this. Beth was doing revisions over what the doctor had taught them earlier in the year, because they had final exams coming up soon, and most of the kids hadn’t retained what the doctor taught them or hadn’t understood it. 

The girl smiled and looked back in at Dean before she whispered, “The conservation of linear motion is the thing he was most interested in finding out about . . . a lot of us are still struggling with it, and Beth says it’s fundamental, so we have to learn it. While we were packing up, he said the class was going on a field trip tonight.” Sam looked back in at his brother, and the girl took off with her friends to go to lunch. 

Dean’s idea was fine and all if it really was a field trip to help them learn, but if it was just a waste of time to annoy Beth, the kids were supposed to be helping with making pies and stuffing and casseroles tonight, and they were excited about doing it, so they could put their own spin on Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow. It’s all they’d been talking about in his classes all week. 

He and Dean had gone back to 1973 using the time travel spell to make some money in some poker tournaments and grab cheap food. They’d come back with a lot of it . . . more than even 1000 kids could eat. They’d let the other hunters know about their Thanksgiving feast, so they were all supposed to be coming. Even Rufus was. Maybe Sam was even getting a little excited about it. The kids should be a part of that.

Dean stayed where he was at the back of the class while Sam walked up to Beth. _Is Dean going to follow Beth around all day? Who’s watching Rogue? Maybe Abbey is. She, Carrie, and Meg came back last night._ “So, I hear you’re going on a field trip tonight,” Sam said handing Beth the sandwich. 

“Yeah, I guess so . . . I have to make sure they learn whatever it is that he wants to teach them . . . if it really is a lesson,” Beth said before she took a bite. 

“I guarantee by the end of the night they’ll understand your conservation of linear whatever,” Dean called up from the back of the class. Dean was getting it wrong to annoy Beth. At least he wasn’t insulting her now. That was an improvement. 

Beth looked at Sam and said, “And I was looking forward to making a pie that I could eat all on my own tonight . . . think I still might after we get back.” 

Sam tried to hide his smile unsuccessfully. Dean was getting awfully close to getting what he wanted out of her, because she was finally annoyed enough to say something to him that was meant for his brother. Beth looked up at him with a slight glare. “You only think this is funny, because you think it means you’ll have a better chance of winning.” 

It made him exhale a laugh and say, “Maybe . . . he’s definitely not sitting in my classes.” 

Dean chimed in again. “Think I would’ve paid more attention in school if I was hot for teacher and played around with cool things, like lasers . . . bet your classes are all boring, Sammy.” Dean was upping his game by throwing in some compliments now. Dean still had a lot of work to do though, because Beth rolled her eyes and started heading for the door with her bag saying she had to go get her chemistry lab set up, and Dean got up to follow her there. 

This should be interesting. Sam kind of wished he didn’t have to start up his next class soon, so he could follow them too. There was no TV anymore. They had a DVD and flat screen set up that Dean had put in house when they first arrived, but there was never time to sit down and watch a whole movie, so Sam indulged in the soap opera that was their life more these days. Maybe their lives really would’ve made a good TV show.

Later, when Sam went looking for Dean, he found him cleaning up an empty chemistry class. Looking at the fresh stains on the ground and the piles of sawdust, he thought she’d made more of a mess in here than she’d intended on making before Dean followed her here. He didn’t even know what these experiments were supposed to be, but he didn’t think they were in her lesson plan. “You asked for help?” 

“Yeah . . . She had the kid sittin’ next to me answer it. Did you know in one of her biology classes she’s got the kids dissecting rats she finds in the junkyard?” Dean made a face as he picked up one last shovel of sawdust and dumped it in the trash compactor outside. 

Sam actually did know about the rats. He and Beth had set the traps up out in the junkyard together. He made sure he didn’t attend those classes. The kids all had lab coats and gloves and wore masks and goggles . . . Beth was as close to a camp doctor as they had now, so she was making sure they all had booster shots and made sure they didn’t get parasites or anything. 

They didn’t have frogs up here in the snow, and she didn’t make the kids do it if they had ethical concerns. They had to get rid of the rats anyway. Couldn’t afford for them to make their way into the warm cabins where the kids were sleeping or get into their food stores, and she tried to spin it by saying the rats’ deaths weren’t in vain if the kids were learning about anatomy. 

Sam wondered what she’d do for physiology next semester. She’d start on that as a continuation of the anatomy and then move onto cell work, he guessed . . . whatever she meant by that. Then she’d move onto plants towards the end and wanted to have a greenhouse set up here, so the kids could start growing their own food as part of a project. 

At the end of the year, she planned on having them do a science fair project on something they’d learned throughout the year, and that would be their final exam. She was doing the science fair for all of her classes and had already started her PR campaign to get the kids excited about it. He and Dean were expected to help judge it, but Dean didn’t know that yet. 

Maybe he should set up a Renaissance fair or something for his Math and English classes . . . something he could do – 

“Earth to Sammy. You listen to anything I just said?” 

Sam glanced at Dean and gave him a small grin, “No, not really. Trying to come up with a way to beat Beth at the end of the year. She’s got that science fair she wants to put on . . . I have to come up with something better.” 

Dean didn’t repeat what Sam hadn’t heard. Instead, he looked away from Sam and said, “Teaching your classes is all you think about these days. You think maybe in another life . . . if you hadn’t done the law thing . . . you mighta . . . “ 

Sam thought now that maybe even if he had done the law thing, he would’ve passed his bar and gotten an internship and worked his way up in a law firm and all of that, but maybe he would’ve done it, so he could go the professor route with it and teach at the college level. “I don’t know . . . think it might be what I want to do now though,” Sam answered before glancing at Dean. 

Dean stuffed his hands in his coat pockets and nodded before he glanced at Sam again and said, “You want out, Sammy? Because –“ 

“No, I want to hunt with you . . . I just –“ 

“It’s alright if this is what you want. Always wanted you to have your apple pie life, and this is as normal as your gonna get now . . . You should do it if it’s what you want, Sam. As long as you’re good, I’m good, and it’s not like we can hit the road the way we used to do it . . . Gotta take a snow plow to get anywhere up North . . . Gotta take a snow plow if we wanna get down South far enough that we don’t need one . . . We spend most of our time here anyway.” 

Dean was offering Sam what he wanted on a silver platter, and Sam felt like his heart had dropped into the pit of his stomach. This was it, the moment he’d never really wanted to happen and told himself he did. Sure, they lived together here, and they did spend most of their time here, but it wouldn’t be the same. Going out and having his brother’s back and knowing Dean had his . . . that was a bond that he didn’t want altered. 

He loved Dean. He needed Dean, and the prospect of Dean leaving him behind scared him. It was entirely different than when he’d gone to college or when Dean had left him after the Croat virus was released, and he didn’t know why except that maybe this time, it was Dean offering to let him walk away. 

Picking up on Sam’s silence, Dean said, “Doesn’t have to change anything, Sam. You can still come in on the big things as long as you don’t get rusty . . . You don’t have to make a decision about it right now. Just, uh, think about it and let me know . . . Might change your mind when I help Beth beat you on your exams,” before clapping Sam on the shoulder and heading towards the house to get whatever he was planning on doing tonight ready. 

Sam slowly exhaled the breath he hadn’t known he was holding while he watched Dean go. He had some thinking to do, but he was pretty sure he’d already made up his mind. He’d been presented with option A by the only one that could offer it to him, and now he knew that wasn’t what he wanted. If it were, he wouldn’t have felt like his world was about to collapse when it was offered to him. Still, Dean had told him to think about it, and he would give it some serious consideration, because when it came up again, he knew Dean would want an answer and for him to stick with it.


	13. Boiling Point

_This has to work._ Dean opened the hatch in the back of the truck, and the kids from Beth’s physics class piled out of the back. He’d checked this place out earlier. It was safe. 

Beth crawled out of the back without looking at him. She hadn’t wanted to ride in the front. He almost closed the hatch in her face to get some kind of reaction out of her, but he was hoping he didn’t have to step it up to more direct confrontations with her if this worked. He just needed her to talk to him. 

He still didn’t know what happened between her and Cas. Since Dean had met her, he’d been tempted by other women . . . maybe not tempted, but he’d had a shot with other women, and what did he do when he thought he was in a situation that might lead somewhere he didn’t want it to go? He walked away. He didn’t see how close he could come to crossing the line by spending more time with those women. 

That meant that Cas having part of her soul wasn’t an excuse. All she had to do was stay away from Cas, and coming up with excuses on why she needed to be near Cas was complete crap, unless that’s what she really wanted. Just the thought of it now made Dean give her a glare as he walked past her through the bar to the pool tables in the back. 

He’d already set up the industrial powered flashlights, so they could see in here. If Beth wanted the kids to know about his conservation of linear motion crap, pool was the best way for them to learn it, and he’d make sure they learned it, so she got what she wanted, but he wanted something in return when this was over.

He lined up the shots and had the kids figure out where the balls were gonna go using their notebooks and that equation Beth had written on the board earlier, while Beth stood in the background and watched. She was helping the kids when they came up and asked her questions, but she wasn’t saying anything to him. 

A couple of hours later, the kids had forgotten they were supposed to be learning something, and he’d forgotten he was supposed to be teaching them anything. Mostly, he just focused on pocketing every shot he made, while the kids watched him, played their own games of pool on the other tables, or played darts in the corner. They’d already learned what they needed to know . . . a while ago. None of them, including him, wanted to go back to Bobby’s yet. 

Dean didn’t want to go back and deal with Cas down for the count or Beth not talking to him or waiting for Sam to come to the right decision and choose the camp. Maybe he’d just move in here for a while. Place was fully stocked on the hard liquor in the back . . . No, he couldn’t move in here. He had a daughter to put to bed tonight. It was his turn. 

When Dean looked around the bar, he saw that Beth was playing darts with some of the older kids. Never understood how she could be good at that game and crap at throwing knives. She over thought the knives . . . didn’t on this. Spotting the flask she had in her pocket, Dean thought maybe that’s why she never over thought this. He wondered how many times she’d gone to fill it up, cuz she wasn’t tipsy yet, but she would be in another half-hour. 

Was a time when a teacher drinking on a field trip would’ve gotten them fired, but there was nobody to do the firing and no parents to complain about it anymore . . . maybe he’d fire her. See how she liked that. She’d been drinking as much as he had this last week, but Sam never caught on to her doing it. Either she was better at hiding it, or Sam knew and let her off without the bitch face. 

Even Beth drinking pissed him off for some reason. He’d deal with it later. It was time to go, so he rounded the kids up, and Beth came out a few minutes later . . . probably after topping her flask up and went to sit in the back with the kids again. Maybe this field trip hadn’t worked, but he had one more ace up his sleeve. 

When Dean got back to the house, he opened the hatch again and let the kids out, but shut it in Beth’s face this time before telling her to stay put until he came back. She wouldn’t. The sides in there may be way too high for her to climb on her own, but she’d find a way out. 

Dean took his time getting his daughter ready for bed. According to Gabriel, she was teething. The first teeth she got didn’t cause any problems for her. Never made a sound about it. Maybe these wouldn’t be that bad. Gabriel said even if they weren’t, she needed to be held for longer to make her feel less alone with it, especially at night before she went to sleep. He couldn’t take too long on this Beth thing, because he had to be back in case Rogue woke up and needed him. 

As soon as Rogue was asleep, Dean put her in the crib and went downstairs. When he saw Beth standing in the kitchen talking to Sam, he picked her up, threw her over his shoulder, and told Sam to keep an eye on Rogue until he got back. 

By the look on his face, it didn’t look like Sam thought Dean taking Beth somewhere and making her talk to him was a good idea, but Dean was done waiting. When he felt her reaching down behind him, he might’ve accidentally on purpose knocked her head into the doorframe to make her stop. He’d done it kind of hard. Sam definitely didn’t like that. 

She was tougher than Sam or she thought, and Sam babying her all the time was doing more damage to her than what he just did. It played into this idea she had that she was weak. She wasn’t. She never was. Maybe it seemed that way when she’d been in Heaven and was surrounded by a bunch of all-powerful angels, but she wasn’t weak up there, and she definitely wasn’t now. Didn’t hurt her. Just let her know he knew what she was doing, and he was done playing this game of hers. If she didn’t like it, she could stab him in the back.

That’s actually what he was waiting for her to do while he carried her back to the snow plow, but she didn’t. She gave up, and it pissed him off even more. She gave up, cuz she knew her not fighting back would piss him off, or she didn’t want to hurt him, or she thought she was too weak to do it. The only one of those didn’t make him mad was the second one, but if she was pissed off enough to not talk to him for over a week, she was pissed off enough to at least hit him or kick him or something, so he didn’t think it was that one. 

Bringing her back to the dive bar, Dean had to carry her out of the truck when she wouldn’t get out of it on her own. On his way through the bar, he stopped behind the bar to grab a bottle of vodka and then put Beth down when he got to the back. “You still have nothin’ to say to me?” 

She looked away from him in response, so he handed her the bottle of vodka. While she looked down at it in confusion, he opened the freezer door beside her and said, “Let me know when you want out. It’s the only way you’re gettin’ outta here,” before pushing her in and locking it shut. 

He’d found the freezer when he’d scoped the place out earlier. There was no way she was getting out of there. As soon as she figured that out, he figured she’d let him know . . . She’d better, or his plan might not work . . . the lack of ventilation worked on keeping her in there, but it was also a problem if she passed out before she said anything to him. Dean sat on the floor with his back against the door to wait her out. 

When he heard something come through the front doors of the bar a few hours later, he got up gun in hand and had a look. Maybe he should have answered the phone calls from Sam, because now he had to deal with Sam. “Where is Beth?” Sam asked scanning the bar. 

“How’d –“

Sam looked down at him and said, “You’re slipping worse than I thought, Dean. You think I don’t know how to follow plow tracks in the snow? I thought you were supposed to be getting her to talk to you. Where’s Beth?” 

Dean took a step back and said, “There a reason you’re here, Sam?” 

Sam took another good look around before his focus narrowed his focus on Dean. “You’ve been gone for a while. I didn’t like what I saw back at the house. I prayed for Gabriel to come back and take care of Rogue, so I could play referee if you needed one.” 

_Why is Sam so fixated on protecting Beth? I’m the one that saw what happened to her. I know what she needs, and it isn’t to be mollycoddled._ She was actually stronger than Dean had ever thought, and he intended to show her that and make her talk to him and get her to finally tell him what happened with Cas. 

“She’s fine. Go back home, Sam.” Sam took a step towards him and was going to say something until he got a glimpse at the freezer behind Dean. As soon as he saw it, he knew, and his shoulder’s slumped before he gave Dean a bitch face and pushed past Dean to let her out. Dean moved to block him and said, “You can’t let her out, Sam. She has to ask me to let her out first, and then we need to talk about what happened with Cas.” 

“This isn’t you. There’s no way you would do something like this to her . . . I’m starting to think she was right.” 

“Right about what? Not talking to me –“

“There’s been something wrong with you since you woke up. You’re fine with me . . . best brother in the world with me . . . but it’s been an act, right? You’ve been biding your time and acting the way you think you should act around me to throw my suspicions off, but I have no idea why . . . You should know that you don’t lock someone in a dark freezer if they were kept alone in a dark cell every time they were done being torturing. You should know you don’t do that to anybody, let alone the love of your life and mother of your daughter. She hasn’t done anything wrong. Did you even apologize to her for what happened, or do you think you’re so right that you don’t have to?” 

Dean pointed at the freezer door and said, “She thinks she’s weak. She’s not. You treating her like she is makes her thinks she is, and that will get her killed.” 

Sam looked down at Dean and shook his head. “And you’re mad about that too? So what if she thinks she’s weak? She knows how to fight, or she would’ve talked to you a week ago . . . And as much as I’m sure she’s climbing the walls in there after the one person she trusts the most locked her up, she hasn’t given into you yet . . . just because she doesn’t want to argue with you or get into a fist fight with you doesn’t mean she’s not fighting . . . Her fight has always been an internal fight, and you used to know that . . . what you saw happen to her did change the way you see her, but not the way you think, and not the way I thought it would either. Now get out of my way. I’m taking her home.” 

Dean stepped aside while he said, “You too, Sammy? She’s good in the sack, huh? One of her nightmares wake you up one night, and you had to comfort her . . . one thing lead to –“ 

He stopped when Sam turned around and sucker punched him, because it knocked him off his feet. That he did not expect. “I’m your brother. I wouldn’t do that to –“ 

“Not like you haven’t done it before.” 

Sam paused. “Beth is not like that, and right now . . . I have no idea why she stayed, but I’m getting her as far away from you as possible. She’s leaving tonight to do her own recon of where Gabriel said Michael is. After Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow, I’m going to meet her to be her back up. You’re staying home. You’re not fit to hunt right now . . . especially not with Beth.” 

Sam gave Dean one last disapproving look before he turned to open the freezer door. Beth was huddled up on the floor with half her bottle of vodka gone. _Why’d I give her that?_

Part of him had thought that if she wanted to drink so damn bad instead of talk to him, she could have it . . . and maybe part of it had been because he knew she’d need it, and if part of him had thought that . . . maybe he knew what it’d do to her. She looked shaky and pale . . . she’d stopped crying, but she had been. _Where’d she get the goose egg on the side of her head?_

She reached up towards Sam with both arms, and he picked her up and carried her out to his truck. Dean got up to follow them out. _Am I different?_ He needed to get to the heart of the problem, and she wasn’t giving it to him . . . but he also wanted her to know she was stronger than she thought . . . maybe he was different. Maybe his feelings for her had intensified . . . He loved her more and hated the thought of her being taken away from him more than he ever had. And he’d do anything to keep her from thinking she was weak, because he knew it would get her killed on a hunt, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t fit to hunt. There was no way he was letting them go on this next one without him.


	14. Crossed Wires

“I’m sorry, Sam.” I didn’t want to cry in front of anyone, so I needed to go soon, but he gave me a hug and said he was the one that was sorry and that I didn’t have anything to be sorry about. But I did. Cas and Dean were both where they were at the moment because of me. Maybe something like this was why Dean said he needed to get through what was happening to him on his own or bad things were going to happen to him and me, but now they’d happened to him and Cas. 

At least when he was in the state Crowley put him into he’d been him. Now he wasn’t. I knew his advances weren’t genuine all week . . . He was angry more often than not, but it didn’t show on the outside. I’d tried telling Sam that, but he’d thought I was reading it the wrong way and overreacting. 

“You’ll have Gabriel check him out again?” Sam nodded and said that was the first thing he would do as soon as he went back inside. Hearing that made me feel a little better. Gabriel would know what to do after he heard what happened. He hadn’t been around much in the last week, because he’d been searching for his brother. He’d finally found Gabriel yesterday in a warehouse outside Cleveland . . . archangels in Cleveland sounds ridiculous. 

“What if –“ 

Sam cut me off. “We’ll fix it. Whatever it is we’ll fix it. After this . . . if you want to stay out and keep hunting, I’ll understand. I’ll have Gabriel bring Rogue to you on your down time between hunts, and he can bring her back when you’re in the middle of one.” 

I got her some new alphabet blocks we’d been playing with the last few days, and she really liked building with them. There were some other things I’d gotten her too, like a shape sorter, a peg toy, and a ball, but we hadn’t had much time to play with those yet, so I’d like to try them out and spend time with her away from here. 

_What about Dean? Being around me makes him worse, but if Rogue spends that much time away from him, what will happen to him? What will she do if it’s just me watching her? What will I do if it’s just me watching her?_ Maybe I could ask Gabriel for advice when I had her. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow night. I’ll have Gabriel send me wherever you are. If I don’t, Dean will just follow me. And until then, I scored you some casserole, stuffing, and a pumpkin pie . . . make sure you eat, and I’ll bring more of everything plus turkey and ham tomorrow night,” Sam said handing me a bag as he stepped back to have a look at me. 

At least I wouldn’t be completely alone on Thanksgiving. “What about your classes?” I asked climbing up into the truck. Sam shrugged and said if we were both gone, it evened the playing field. I liked that he was getting so competitive with this. The kids were the ones that would ultimately win out if we ever had a chance to stick around and teach them for as long as they needed to be taught. 

“Remember to pull over and get some sleep. Probably shouldn’t even be driving after how much you had to drink, but I guess it’s not like you’re going to run anybody else off the road . . . just uh . . . take it slow, and if you see anything you think needs to be investigated between now and tomorrow night, don’t go in on your own. Call me, and I’ll come.” I gave him a weak smile, but didn’t say anything. I’d have to see what it was first. I wasn’t going to just call him for anything.

I’d been gone for about an hour when I got a call from Sam. I assumed he was calling to tell me it was time for bed. He had this thing about proper sleep times for me. “Uh . . . Hey Sam, I’m not tired yet.” 

“Is Dean with you?” 

I sighed. “Not that I’ve seen, but since you can’t find him, I’m going to guess he’s in the back. If Gabriel needs to come and get him, I’m just outside of Worthington, Minnesota.” 

Sam exhaled a nervous laugh and said, “Yeah, I would, but it kind of looks like Dean might’ve . . . banished your Dad. I found the banishing sigil on the inside of the door to Rogue’s room.” 

_How long is Gabriel going to be gone this time? I would not want to be Dean when Gabriel sees him again._ It screwed everything else to Hell. Now Sam couldn’t meet up with me tomorrow. I either had to go back, get him, and drop Dean off, or keep going and put up with an unstable Dean. Sam was urging me to go back without letting Dean know that’s what I was doing. Dean would know. He’d know if I turned around or even if I headed North or South to go back in a giant loop. “I’ll take care of it, Sam. I’ll let you know how it turns out. Enjoy your Thanksgiving.” I hung up and started to slow down.

When I looked down at Dean in the back, the first thing out of his mouth was, “You ready to talk?” 

_Fucking dickhead._ “I’m not helping you out of there. Get out on your own . . . you psychotic dickhead.” I hopped down and climbed back into the truck to wait for him. When I saw him climb up the side and get ready to jump down, I might’ve pushed the gas all the way to the floor, so he’d fall, and he did . . . Right on his face in the snow, which cheered me up a little. I could’ve left him there. I thought about doing it, but I didn’t. 

Climbing into the cab he asked, “What’d you do that for?” 

“That was for Gabriel . . . And this is my hunt, so you’re not driving . . . You’re lucky I didn’t leave you in the snow. You do what I say. When I say it, or I’ll find somewhere to dump you, and you won’t see it coming,” I said before taking off again. 

“So, you’re talking to me again . . . thought –“ 

“You wanna commentate on it, or do you wanna have this great big chat you’ve been wanting all week.” 

Apparently, he didn’t want to do either. “Why didn’t you leave me?” 

Glancing at him, I abruptly asked, “Which time?” 

He looked out the passenger side window and said with a sigh, “Just now.” 

I was picking up that he thought maybe this had been a mistake, so I gave him an incredulous look and said, “You’re only thinking now that it was a mistake to banish Gabriel and stow away with me when I was trying to get away from you after what you did?! I didn’t leave you just now, because I had images of a T-1000 Dean chasing after this truck. You can be scary when you’re normal, but right now you’re completely insane.” 

“That’s –“ 

“No, I’m not trying to transmit to you that we’re okay, because I made a movie reference.” 

He was quiet for a minute, and it felt like he was a complete cacophony of emotions. Part of him was getting angry with me again. Part of him didn’t want to be angry, because he’d wanted me to talk to him, and he was starting to get that maybe he’d gone about it the wrong way, but there was another part that was hurt that I was so pissed off with him and had no idea why I was. It wasn’t long before his emotions were about to boil over, so to put a stop to it, I said, “So, are you gonna ask me the question you’ve been wondering all week? The one you won’t take ‘no’ for as an answer?” 

A sudden pang of fear hit him. “I don’t really think –“ 

He was genuinely afraid that if we talked about it, he’d get an answer he didn’t want, so I had the conversation without him. “Beth . . . did you fuck Cas? Why no, Dean, I didn’t in the 10 minutes between when I was with you and when I went down to check on him after Gabriel kicked his ass . . . I didn’t even blow him in that time even though I know it’s hard to believe. I did, however let him know that he was the only reason I was able to meet you, and apparently that made him want to do what he thought was the right thing to help you. He flew to your room before I could stop him, and then I heard you shouting for Sam . . . but Beth, aren’t you fucking Sam too? Why no, Dean, I’m not . . . glad to know you think so highly of me. Since you already think I do, maybe I should find someone -“ 

He stopped me by breathing out, “Don’t,” while he continued to look out the side window. 

He couldn’t look at me, and now on top of the fear that I was about to end it or find someone else to run off with, I felt that familiar guilt coming from him. It was washing over everything else except self-loathing. I didn’t want him to hate himself. All I wanted was for him to be genuinely sorry for how he’d been the last week. 

I pulled the truck over, and when he wouldn’t respond to me, I straddled him, so I could get his attention, but he still wouldn’t look at me. If I wanted to let him know it would be okay, I had to do something to show him that, so I put my forehead against his. He breathed out a shaky breath, but still wouldn’t look at me. He looked lost, and he felt scared of losing me and of what was going on, because he really didn’t have any idea where it went wrong or if there really was something wrong with him. 

“Dean, I should’ve talked to you before this. If I had –“ 

I sat back to look at him and stopped talking when he turned to face me. He lightly touched the lump on side of my forehead and said, “Look at what I did to you.” 

Taking his hand away, I said, “I’ve had worse. It’s not-“ 

He bowed his head and everything inside of him just kind of cut loose. “Not from me . . . I did this.” I didn’t want him to cry. “I could’ve killed you in that freezer. I wasn’t gonna let you out until you asked me to . . . I didn’t care how long it took. You could’ve run out of air . . . Nothing you did or didn’t do should’ve ever made me do any of that . . . I don’t think Cas got all the crazy. What if -” He stopped himself and wrapped both arms around me instead of asking what if this was the way he was for good now. 

I put my arms around his shoulders and touched my forehead to his again before I said, “Dean, I don’t know what happened, but we’ll figure it out. I’m sorry . . . I didn’t handle this very well. You never would’ve handled something like this . . . you didn’t handle something like this as badly as I did. I –“ 

He cut me off with a slight shake of his head. He didn’t want me to say I was sorry. He was dead set on taking the blame on this one, and now I felt truly awful for leaving him hanging all week. “You didn’t leave me hanging . . . you stayed after I was a dick . . . you should’ve -” 

“You said that if I left you wouldn’t think I want you.” 

He shook his head and held me a little tighter before he said, “You shouldn’t . . . I-“ 

“It doesn’t matter what you think. I do. I’m sorry I left tonight, but I knew I was making it worse, and I –“ 

He broke down again and said, “That’s not the only reason you left. I scared you . . . What else were you supposed to do? Take it? Say what you just said? You already told me nothing happened . . . I didn’t believe you.” He got it together a little and added, “You’re not blocking me . . . did . . . when I was under, could you hear what I was thinking?” 

_Yeah, same way you can hear me now._

“And you stayed with me?” 

I nodded. “Yeah, we put you to bed and thought you fell asleep, but you weren’t sleeping. You just got lost in your head, so I stayed with you after you came back the next time. We’d talk, and then you’d slip away and be lost to me for a while, and I couldn’t get you back, so I just had to wait until you came back yelling my name in your head. The more time I spent with you, the less time you spent lost in your head.” 

His breath caught in his throat, before he pulled me closer, so his face was buried in the crook of my neck and his arms encircled me in a hold that suggested that he needed security. “It was like I was trapped up there with you, but you weren’t allowed to know it. I was just a witness that couldn’t stop anything. I tried to make them take me . . . they couldn’t hear me or see me . . . I tried to hit them or pull them away from you, and my hands just right through them every time . . . I couldn’t close my eyes . . . I could look away, but even when I did that, I could hear everything and see how they left you, and then the same session would start over again, so I’d have to see it the next time, because it was my fault you were having to go through it again . . . You weren’t much older than Rogue in some of them . . . maybe just by a couple of years . . . you were so small. You were supposed to be reading to Gabriel, not . . . I tried to talk to you after they were done, so you’d know you weren’t alone, but you never heard me . . . I tried talking you through it while it was happening too, and sometimes it was like you knew I was there . . . I think I was there, Beth . . . Was I?” 

I didn’t think so. I didn’t want to say that if he needed to believe he’d helped me in some way, but I didn’t get to say anything before he answered for me. “I wasn’t? I had to be. You didn’t know me, Beth . . . you read about me . . . nobody could want to see someone they’ve never met enough to get through that the way you did . . . you had to have felt me there. You had to have.”

I didn’t know what to say or think, but I rubbed the back of his head and neck in a comforting way, and he took a labored breath before saying, “And I know what you went through . . . we’re tied on other things, but this . . . it made us more alike than I ever thought, and I couldn’t let anyone else have it . . . it wasn’t anyone else’s to share . . . and then Cas said he was sorry, and he took it . . . and I thought you wanted to share it with him . . . not me, and I . . .” 

_He did say something like that when he woke up._

“Did I?” 

I took a deep breath and nodded. He sounded so confused. Maybe this last week he hadn’t really known what was going on and hid it well enough that not even I could tell using our connection. Why didn’t I talk to him? Me not talking to him had been crueler than I ever thought. I’d never do that to him again. Never. 

Eventually he said, “And Sam with the nightmares . . . I just . . . it should be me.” 

So . . . what happened to me up there . . . to him it was an intimate thing between the two of us, and it kind of transformed into him thinking I was sleeping with the two of them, because that was intimate, and he was already primed for it because of what had been going on with Cas for the weeks leading up to what Crowley did? 

“Maybe,” he answered softly. “And you never used to think you were weak. You can’t start now. It’ll get you killed on a hunt, and you can’t die before your soul is done . . . I might die when you do, but I won’t just disappear the way you will. You were supposed to go with me wherever I end up . . . that’s what I signed on for . . . I can’t lose you.” 

So, part of this was down to him finally realizing what that contract on my soul meant. Probably because he saw when it was signed. “I did . . . had no idea what they were saying, but I knew something big was going down . . . there were spectators . . . hundreds.” 

I took a shallow breath. They were witnesses for the contract . . . mostly, but some of them were just there because they’d sided with Raphael and wanted to see one of the greats do their thing. 

Dean cleared his throat and whispered, “I told you before that you had me, but I didn’t say I wanted you, and I did. I do. I want you more now.” That was something I’d really needed to hear. 

“I thought you were disgusted by me because of what you saw, and that’s why you were mad and said -” 

He changed the way he was holding me from him doing it because he needed me to comfort him to him holding me to comfort me and said that wasn’t it at all and that he couldn’t just say he was sorry and have it mean anything, but he was. Honestly, based on what he was feeling, making me think that hurt him even more than what he did with the freezer. He didn’t know how to make that right. 

Normally, he’d take off and think I was better off without him, but now he mostly just felt like he wanted to do a better job of letting me know he wanted me. And he was starting to feel one emotion stronger than just about any of his others. Protective . . . almost overbearingly so . . . I guess we’d have to tackle that one when it got to be a problem again. For now, I was happy where I was without either of us having to say anything.

I’d snuggled into his chest and was nearly asleep when I felt one of his arms move to reach for something on the other side of me, so I quickly reached back and smacked his hand. “That’s my pie.” 

He looked down at me and said, “You don’t even like pie, and I’m not gonna get any now.” 

“I do like pie . . . especially pumpkin pie . . . and you shouldn’t have banished Gabriel. Sam was going to bring lots of turkey, pie, ham and everything else they made, and we don’t get any of that now . . . You can have half of it for helping with my physics class, but not while I’m asleep, or your version of half will be to eat the whole thing, and when I wake up you’ll say something, like ‘What? I thought you said I could have it.’” 

He took his hand and brushed the hair out of my face. “So, you’re all right with going to sleep with me around? What about –“ 

“I think I’m still a little tipsy . . . I don’t know if I’ll have any tonight, but I still don’t really want to talk about them with you . . . and no, you’re not driving while I sleep either.” 

He wanted to know why I didn’t want to talk about my nightmares with him. I had a lot of reasons. They made me feel a deep sense of shame, like I was unclean, and my complete vulnerability at the hands of others was exposed. “I can’t hide things from you the way I can Sam.” 

Dean rested his head on top of mine and said, “He told me he couldn’t sleep after the things you told him.” 

_That doesn’t mean I tell him everything._ “I usually make some things as graphic as I can, like what it feels like to have your eyes gouged out, so I don’t have to say anything about other things I don’t want to talk about.” Dean wanted to know how that helped, so I said, “For one, he stops asking me to tell him what happened,” which made him smile, and then I said, “It’s probably why I have them more than once. I have to deal with everything in one before I can move onto the next one. I do that in my head while I give him a few more details on what I’ve already told him. I usually get through about one a night.” 

He still wanted to know why he couldn’t have been the one doing that instead of Sam, so I said, “I don’t know. I get scared. I get angry. I usually wake up a mess, because I’m feeling emotions I should’ve been feeling up there, but never did. They’re emotions I can’t control anymore. You’ve never seen me like that. I don’t want you to see me like that . . . Sam doesn’t care about me the way you do. He can detach himself from it.” 

I didn’t expect him to say that maybe he hadn’t been ready to hear it before what happened with Crowley, but now he was, and he needed help with what he saw. He couldn’t get it out of his head. It was there every time he went to sleep, and he needed to know what led up to what he saw . . . how I’d been caught and how I’d gotten away after they left me in pieces. He said that when I was blocking the pain and didn’t say anything he needed to know what I’d been thinking, and when I’d been talking, he needed to know what I’d been saying, because he didn’t know Enochian. 

He had just kind of lost it for a while after what he saw . . . and I couldn’t imagine what it’d be like if I had to see what Alistair did to him in Hell . . . maybe I could do it if it meant I could help him with it. I gave him a little nod to let him know I’d try if it’d help him, and he asked, “So, you’re really not gonna let me drive?” I smiled in response. “And I can’t have the pie until you wake up?” I nodded again. “You’re callin’ the shots on everything? What am I supposed to do?” 

I got off of him and pulled him down behind me in the seat, so he could wrap his arm around me and said, “Call Sam and let him know you didn’t murder me. Then get some sleep . . . we should be fine tonight. The truck’s warded against almost everything, so we don’t have to worry unless a cosmic junkyard magnet decides to pick us up.” 

He did call Sam, and Sam made him put me on the phone, so I could tell him I was fine, which annoyed Dean, but he got over it. There were no cosmic junkyard magnets, and we didn’t have any problems . . . I didn’t actually have any nightmares that night because of the alcohol, but I did the next night, and Dean took care of it and me while I tried to explain something he’d already seen to help him . . . and it was okay. Better than I thought it’d be, and I thought maybe he and I would both be all right.


	15. Desperation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a sex scene in this chapter. It's not overly graphic, but it is marked in bold at the start and end, so you don't have to read if you don't want.

“You want to leave it?” Beth asked looking at Dean. They were up a tree checking out the warehouse where Michael was being held. There were all kinds of wards painted on it. Angels were lurking around in the trees surrounding the place, so they were probably angel wards, but the angels weren’t what concerned him. The demons weren’t either. Those were easy. The full-blooded demons and yellow-eyed demon angels that Crowley had enlisted as guards didn’t really worry him either. It was what they were all guarding that did. 

Something told Dean that Michael was beyond pissed off with him and Beth. Being here had changed the angel, pushed him over the edge. He wasn’t on their side anymore . . . maybe not even on the side of humans. Dean didn’t know how he knew that, but he did. Maybe it was a vessel thing. He hadn’t felt a connection to Michael in Heaven, but maybe things were different up there . . . He and Beth had bent the rules . . . probably even broke them by being up there while they were alive. Maybe that explained why he hadn’t felt it up there. 

Dean thought this was a mistake, so he cleared his throat and said, “I know you think he deserves better than this, and someone needs to put Heaven right again, but maybe we should be workin’ harder on convincing Gabriel to do it. Michael’s not an angel we want to let out right now . . . not sure why Gabriel didn’t say anything. Maybe he wanted you to see his brother was a lost cause for yourself, because the first thing Michael will do when we let him out is kill you . . . unless he wants to use you to make me say ‘yes’ and take off with me to do whatever it is he’s gonna do with the world now that he has ‘seen the light’ as far as humans go . . . or thinks he has. I know you know the snow up here is disappearing . . . makes me think that was down to Michael . . . a kind of protection he was offering . . . He doesn’t feel that way anymore.” 

Beth took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I believe you . . . it’s just . . . my soul hurts.” Dean looked away from his binoculars to glance at her. _Is that seriously the best she could come up with? That was really lame._ She shook her head before saying, “That’s not what I mean. I mean my soul actually hurts . . . It’s burning hotter in a specific place. I think one of the Punishing angels is here, and its signature is recognizing it . . . The wards up around the warehouse might be weakening it, but if it’s got an archangel blade, it doesn’t have to have much power to do what it needs to do to torture Michael. We can’t let them turn Michael into one of those yellow-eyed angels . . . It’s wrong, and if you think Michael is dangerous now . . . wait until he’s a demonized angel. That’s why Crowley took him. Who needs all the souls in Purgatory when you have a demon-archangel on the payroll?”

So they had to do this . . . And Dean was faced with a serious dilemma on what to do about that Punishing angel. They were at a power level just below Michael . . . But Cas killed 2 of them, and one of them was right here for the taking. But Beth was here too, and Dean couldn’t afford for anything to happen to her. “Why didn’t Gabriel –“ 

She looked at the warehouse again and said, “Maybe he thought I needed to face up to one of them the way I did Adriel.” Maybe, but not everything was solved by facing up to it. Dean didn’t feel any better after Alistair was killed. 

“Let me deal with whatever Punishing angel is in there,” Dean said climbing down from the tree. She stayed up there another 5 or 10 seconds looking at the building before she started to follow him down, and he knew for a fact her heard her think, _‘We’ll see.’_ There was a time that would’ve pissed him off, but now he knew that she didn’t want to lie to him, so she wasn’t saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’ on it . . . depended on what happened once they got in there. He got that. He didn’t know what he’d do either. “You wanna try calling up God . . . not sure what’s been going on with that lately, but maybe it’s worth a shot,” Dean suggested when she got down. 

“It’s working. I messed up with Crowley. After he touched you, I might’ve thought, ‘God Crowley needs to die . . . now. Put whatever souls you want back. We’ll deal with the consequences later.’” 

“Why leave Him an out?” 

She shrugged and said, “Don’t want to sound too bossy, and I think I run into more problems when I’m more specific.” 

“What about in Nova Scotia? Seemed pretty specific.” 

Biting the inside of her cheek, Beth thought about what she’d done that time, and then smiled. “I thought, ‘God . . . I don’t care how you do it, but it’d be good if you could pick Crowley’s monsters up and just drop them all in the sea.’” So, she’d still left it pretty open ended. “I wanted the surprise in how it happened to be as much for me as it was for anyone else.” 

Must’ve been why she was standing up there on the rock and went from looking like a powerful woman to be reckoned with to looking like a little kid clapping her hands over her new toy. He didn’t think the others saw her do that. They were already heading back down towards her in their trucks, but he did. He’d thought it was going to be the last time he saw her this side of being dead . . . It was a memory he’d wanted to hold onto. 

Dean took a deep breath while he looked over at their new target. He had to make sure this wasn’t the last time he saw her. “We’ll get rid of the wards out here and let the angels out here clear a path for us when we get inside . . . see what they shake loose. Then we’ll take whichever Punishing angel in there out with God’s help, and maybe if Michael sees it happen in front of him, he’ll hold off on smiting us . . . but we’re not unchaining him. Let the other angels do it.”

At some point she’d let him have control over this side of things . . . still wasn’t letting him drive, but he was kind of all right with that in the short term. He liked watching her drive. It gave him an excuse to watch her without her knowing it. It relaxed him almost as much as when she smiled at him . . . especially when she had her iPod on and thought he was asleep . . . He liked the way she rocked out on some of the songs. 

A sudden fear crept in that maybe that was all he’d have of her after this, just memories of the way she looked or laughed, but he’d forget . . . with enough time, he’d forget what she looked like or what her voice sounded like. He broke one of his rules and pulled her towards him, so he could kiss her for the first time since Crowley messed with his head. He wanted to remember the way it felt, that feeling he got, the way she tasted. He couldn’t lose her. He didn’t know if it was going to be like this from now on with every hunt they went on until her soul was fixed or if it was this hunt specifically . . . the thought of losing her terrified him in a way it never did even on the worst days he used to worry that she’d die bloody. 

He was going to leave it at that, but he couldn’t. If things went wrong, he needed one more time with her, so he picked her up and took her back to the shack they’d found to camp out in while they did recon. They couldn’t do anything until tonight anyway. Sure, they should be on high alert, but he needed this. When he got them in there, he kicked the door closed and immediately slipped her jacket off over her shoulders, so he could deftly unbutton her shirt. 

“Dean . . . what about –“ 

His answer was to crash his mouth back over hers and begin shrugging out of his own coat and shirt, placing him firmly in charge. He needed to be. He needed to know he had her trust back, and he needed her to know he’d take care of her. He had to make himself believe that he could, because he wasn’t sure anymore. 

**When he** had them both out of their clothes an on the sleeping bags on the floor, he slid his hand up her arm to her hand and gently took it before he broke the kiss to look down at her. He wanted her to take care of herself, so he could watch. His favorite time that she’d done that for him had been the time during their bet to see who would break first. She’d been so sexy, and he hadn’t been able to touch her if he wanted to win and be her partner. Hardest won bet he ever made. He wanted a reminder of that. 

When she was close, but not quite here, he quickly took both her hands and pinned them above her, while he settled himself between her legs and positioned himself just outside of her. Him being the one to pull her back instead of telling her to just let it go turned her on in a bigger way than he’d expected, and she let him know with the way her tongue dominated his when he leaned back down to kiss her. It was a thank you, a thank you for doing it, and a thank you for understanding it. 

And then the kiss changed when he entered her. It was slower, sweeter, and gentler. It felt like playtime was over, like they both wanted to savor the moment. He pulled her up into his lap, and this position usually felt intimate, but this time felt different. It reminded him of the time he kissed her in the hospital before he left to take care of Lilith . . . Back then, he’d memorized every last detail about her and thought about everything he still wanted to do with her if he ever got the chance, not sex, but everything else. He’d gotten to do a lot of it, but now he had new things he wanted to do with her. 

He knew she’d want to get started on this jailbreak after this was over, so he drew it out and made it last to spend as much time with her as he could. Just before she couldn’t hold off on it anymore, and he knew she’d pull him along with her, he prayed. 

**He figured** being with her like this was the best time to do it. Maybe it’d get the message to God through her, _‘God, if you’re listening to anyone other than Beth. I don’t know if it’ll be this case we’re workin’ or the next, but I know it’s coming soon . . . I’ll do whatever you want. Let me know what it is, and I’ll do it . . . no questions asked, but don’t let me lose her. Don’t let her die . . . at least not until her soul’s done, so I can go with her.”_


	16. Taken By Surprise

This was without a shadow of a doubt my favorite part of hunting. It wasn’t the killing. I guess you could say I was all right with that as long as the right thing was done, but dressing in my darkest clothes and sneaking around at night to break in somewhere was my absolute favorite. 

At the moment, I was on one side of the roof while Dean was on the other. We were marking out the wards up here by making subtle scratches in them. Going with the spray-painting option wasn’t possible, because it’d create too much noise. These were the hardest wards to get, so we were starting here and working our way down to the ground floor. 

The angels out in the woods had spotted us. Dean caught a glimpse of one that came to the edge of the tree line on his side of the building. He said she’d watched him until he let her know he saw her. That seemed to be all she wanted, because she gave him a slight nod after that and headed back into the shadows of the trees. 

They knew we were trying to help them get in to Michael and at the moment we had a loose alliance with them, and I think it’d stay in place . . . right up until Michael told them to turn on us . . . if he did. I wondered if the yellow-eyed demons inside would notice the wards coming down or if they were more demon than angel anymore. I also wondered where all these angels and demonized angels were getting their vessels. Either they had them before they left Heaven, or they’d found people out there in the world, because nobody from any of our camps was missing.

I got done with my wards first, so I put on my harness, while I waited for Dean to finish up the last of his. He was looking particularly fine tonight. I didn’t know why . . . I always thought he was, but I thought it even more tonight. Maybe it was the sex hair he was still sporting. 

I felt my phone vibrate and checked it. Sam knew we were in the middle of something kind of important here, so if he was calling, it had to be for something even more important. _“Hey, Beth . . . you’re working?”_

I kept my eye on Dean and whispered, “Yeah.” 

_“You can’t let Dean know . . . Chuck had a vision. First one he’s had with anything worthwhile in it in a long time, I guess, but . . . uh . . . You . . .”_

I took the phone away from my ear and hung up when Dean started to walk over. I wasn’t going to keep something big from Dean. That phone call told me a couple things already. 1) It was bad news, and bad news was distracting. 2) Sam was desperate if he was calling us when he knew where we were and what we were doing. Sam also knew I would more than likely be right next to Dean . . . I couldn’t very well keep it from Dean if that were the case . . . Sam was desperate enough not to think rationally, which meant it was something bad for Dean. It told me enough to know that I had to up my game and pay more attention to Dean. 

Dean pointed at the vibrating phone in my hand when he got closer to me. He was waiting, so I answered it and put it up to my ear again. Sam spat his message out as fast as he could, so I’d hear all of it before I hung up. I wasn’t expecting for him to say what he said. There was some good intel in there muddled in with the rest. 

When I hung up, Dean was looking at me expectantly. I clasped my harness to the rope and stood on the edge of the building, while I said, “There are two Punishing angels . . . I need to make sure they both get taken out at the same time,” before I jumped down, so I could start in on the second story angel wards. While I was scratching those out, I thought about what I needed to do to keep something bad from happening, so something worse didn’t happen after that. Abort mission came to mind. Dean shouldn’t be here at all. In fact, he should be on the other side of the planet. He and I both had misgivings about this, but somehow we were both forcing ourselves to push forward with it. 

I decided to change our plan. As of right now, we were just going to get rid of the angel wards. The angels in the woods could deal with the rest. As plans went, it was pretty simple, but even simple plans don’t turn out the way you want. 

This particular plan was banjaxed when an angel-demon showed up on the roof above where Dean and I were working. I became aware of it when I unexpectedly started shooting up the wall. The logical thing to do, since I’d be at a disadvantage if it managed to pull me all the way up to the top was to cut the ropes, so that’s what I did. I was lucky the snow was still around in this part of the North, cuz it broke my fall. 

A few seconds later, Dean grunted around the corner of the building as he hit the ground, so he must’ve done the same thing I had right after me. I quickly got to my feet and started in on Plan B by grabbing the paintball gun from my leg holster. We needed to get those wards down, and this was a hell of a lot faster than what we’d been doing. It sucked as far as stealth went, but that wasn’t necessarily a concern anymore, because where there’s one of something evil, there’s almost always more that will follow. 

After shooting out the scratched wards in front of me on the first and second stories, I took off running to the right, so I could keep taking them out as I went. Dean was supposed to go the other way if something like this happened, but when I glanced back, it looked like he wasn’t going to follow that part of Plan B and came sprinting around the corner of the building just in time to tackle the angel-demon that had dropped down onto the ground not far from where I’d fallen. 

It landed on it’s face, and Dean quickly stabbed it in the side with his angel blade about 4 times before he lifted the blade high above his head and drove it down through its back. Maybe that’s why I found him even hotter tonight. He was kind of in Fierce Dean mode and had been since we came out of the shack.

As soon as I was sure he would be fine, I carried on with getting rid of the wards. An angel-demon appeared not more than 6-feet in front of me. I kept up my speed, grabbed my angel blade, and when I was 2-steps away from it, lightly planted my feet, so I could nimbly slice across its chest to the right, then down to the left. While it looked down at those injuries, I stabbed up through the bottom of its chin before it had time to really register that it had to put up more of a fight than that if it wanted to live. A quick glance told me there was nothing else in my immediate vicinity, so I went back to shooting out the angel wards and running. 

My next obstacle was a full-blooded demon. They were disgusting and absolute bastards. This one picked me up, flung me into the wall, and held me there while it tried to crush me using its powers, but Dean came up behind it and cut its head off. They were powerful, and if they were quick witted, this one could’ve sent me to the Bermuda Triangle, but they weren’t very bright, so that was a plus to dealing with them. 

When I landed on the ground, Dean was there to help me up and said, “We’re abandoning this, Beth.” 

_What? Why? Things are going pretty well._ “Is it because of that demon just now? I’m fine.” 

“No. I know Sam said somethin’ else. We’ll come back, but we’re not finishing it tonight . . . and I don’t want you here when we do.” 

I was okay with putting it on hold after what Sam had said, but I wasn’t going to be left behind the next time. Dean wasn’t coming back here even if Sam was with him. Now wasn’t the time to argue about it though, because an angel-demon popped up behind Dean. I tripped Dean up to knock him down, so it didn’t stab him in the back, while I jabbed it in the chest with my angel blade. I didn’t kill it. I didn’t think I would, because I’d missed my mark a bit, but I did take its focus off of Dean. 

Before I could engage with it, Dean scrambled to his feet and thrust his angel blade into its stomach, pulled the blade out, and stabbed it in the side of the head. I watched its body fall to the ground. “Hey, that one was mine. You cheated.” 

I didn’t really think about what I’d said, but Dean didn’t particularly like it. “This isn’t a game, Beth . . . You lose. You die. Come on. We’re leaving.” 

I knew it wasn’t a game, but he was took my kill, so I said, “No,” just before another angel-demon showed up between us. I blocked it with my right forearm, left with the angel blade, up, down, left again, right, up, then I nearly lost my angel blade as the angel-demon knocked my hand up, and my angel blade went up a little out of my reach. I grabbed the hilt before it could as I was jumping back, so my stomach didn’t get sliced open, then twirled my blade, and pivoted, so I could stab it in the side, which didn’t kill it, but it did grab its side and stop moving. Another pivot meant I was facing its back, which was an easy target for me to strike next, and that dropped it to its knees, which allowed me stab down through its back into its heart. 

After that, I turned and took a couple steps forward to cut the head off the full-blooded demon that Dean had been fighting. “Now we’re even. Angel wards come down. Then we go . . . we’re not going inside. They can let one of their angel vessels go and have the vessel take down any wards that are in there.” 

A look of understanding flickered across his face. Whatever bad thing Chuck saw go down didn’t happen out here, it happened in there, so Dean gave me a slight nod and said, “Yeah, all right, but we’re sticking together,” before he pulled his paintball gun and started helping me get the wards down faster. 

We had to keep fighting our way around the building, and I was starting to get annoyed when we were half way done. “Bunch of . . . lazy, fucking, sheep.” I’d just been dropped again after Dean had to kill another full-blooded demon that threw me against the wall. We were doing this to give the angels a chance to get their leader. The least they could do was take on these demons that they were more evenly matched against and give us a hand instead of standing on the sidelines and waiting until we were done. Why the hell did that one nod at Dean if they were just gonna stand there and watch the whole time? Was it a thanks? 

I saw one in the trees and shouted the equivalent of, “I can see you hiding in there. Get your asses out here and fight like the soldiers you were born to be if you want Michael,” in Enochian. They all moved to the edge of the trees then. There were hundreds of them. We could’ve been done a long time ago if they’d decided to help, and it looked like Gabriel was right on there being more around than I’d thought. 

“Uh, Beth. What’d you say?” Dean asked without taking his eyes off of them. I told him, and he shouted, “That’s an order.” 

A few of them looked at each other and a couple more started to make their way out of the trees before I added, “Do what he says, and then you can have Michael back,” just before Dean shoved me down, so he could cut the head off a full-blooded demon that appeared beside me, and I scrambled behind him, so I could start the killing exorcism on about 10 demons possessing meatsuits that came around the corner of the building towards us. 

Dean kept his back to mine and joined in on the exorcism. “Wanna turn, so you can see it,” I asked while he kept going. He hadn’t done this yet, so he pivoted and kept going with it, while I watched our backs. It gave you enormous feeling of . . . strength to be able to do something like that to demons with just a few words. I thought about Dean’s early years in dealing with demons and how this would’ve made it so much easier for him and Sam. 

I knew when it was over because of the extra flash of light, but most of my focus was on the solid battalion of evil coming around the corner I was watching. “Uh . . . wanna try out those demon bombs we made?” _That’s a lot of demons._ “Might be a good time to see if they work on the full-blooded demons and angel-demons too.” 

Dean glanced over his shoulder to have a look and said, “Yeah, should sting like a bitch if nothing else,” while he grabbed a demon bomb out of his satchel and lit it. He launched it that way, and it landed in the middle of them before exploding about 3 seconds later. I’d say it took out about half of them . . . the ones closest to the blast disintegrated, whether they were possessed meat suits or full-blooded demons, and the ones further out filled the night with their shrieks and howls. 

Didn’t do much to the angel-demons, but apparently the real angels decided that they were finally going to start helping, because they came running out of the trees with their angel blades and swords drawn and collided with the demons that were left. “You ready to finish this and get out of here?” I responded to Dean’s question by shooting the nearest angel ward, and he followed my lead by taking out the ones on the second story. 

With the angels helping, we finished with the rest of the angel wards pretty fast and ended up back where we started. As soon as the last ward was gone, Dean grabbed my hand and started heading back towards the truck until a couple of angels appeared in front of us. “What do we do now? You said if we did what he said, we could have Michael back,” one of the angels said stepping forward. 

“Beginning to see why you’ve always said Cas is the best angel ever created,” Dean muttered. I felt a little sorry for them. These angels were all lower level. Upper and middle management were gone. They must’ve been living down here as fugitives after the war in Heaven and were completely lost until they all stumbled onto where Michael was being held. When it became apparent they really didn’t know what to do next, Dean finally answered them in frustration. “Go in and break Michael out, take him, and go home.” 

“There are angel wards inside, and –“ 

Dean cut her off by saying, “Let one of your vessels go, and have them do it.” Dean still wasn’t quite himself. Getting in my way in the middle of a fight, running away the first chance he got . . . it wasn’t him. The contract on my soul didn’t really change anything. It’d always been there. He just hadn’t known about it until recently.

I watched as more came up seeking guidance. “They need someone to lead them . . . for now . . . we just won’t go in the room where Michael is being held.” 

Dean pulled me aside and said, “And then what? We go in and just take out the Punishing angels, but we don’t touch Michael . . . where does it end . . . when you’re dead?” I glanced at the angels, but before I could ask them their names, Dean said, “That’s it, isn’t it? That’s what Sam told you,” and I felt that fear in him intensify. 

“Not necessarily. The vision cut off before -,” 

I should have thought of a better way to start that answer. Dean grabbed my hand to drag me through the crowd of angels while he told them, “Have one of your vessels take down the wards, work together to kill the two Punishing Angels that are in there, unchain Michael, and do what he says.” 

I pulled back on Dean’s hand to make him stop, and the look of pure heartbreak that came across his face when he realized I wasn’t just going to drop this made me say, “Give me a signal or have one of these angels fly out here to tell me, and I’ll pray from out here. I won’t go in . . . it’s better for you if I don’t.” 

“Do it now.” 

_Don’t be so damn bossy._ I was starting to get annoyed with him, but I still thought, _“God, it would be amazing if you could completely wipe from existence the Punishing angels that are in that warehouse. If you could do it in a manner that fits their crimes and now before Dean goes in there, I’d appreciate it.”_

I nodded at Dean to let him know I’d done it, and he was in the middle of asking whether or not it’d worked when I had to clasp my hands over my ears and dropped to my knees at the intensity of the shrill sound that came out of the warehouse and blew out all the windows. Dean landed on my back to shield me. I don’t know why. He couldn’t do anything to make my brain not feel like it was boiling or my eardrums from braking. It seemed to last forever, and kept rising in intensity until it stopped almost as fast as it started. I don’t know what Dean said, but I felt vibrations come from his chest and then I could hear. Must’ve had one of the angels heal us. When we slowly stood and looked around us, the angels were both mystified and terrified while they looked at each other and then at us. 

Must’ve been loud if even they were brought to their knees. I turned to look back at the warehouse. “So . . . I’m guessing it worked?” 

“That was our Father’s voice. None of us have heard it until now . . . couldn’t you hear what He said?” one of them asked me. 

“Uh . . . I heard a really shrill noise . . . Don’t know what He or She said. Don’t really want to know. If I was meant to know it, I would.” 

One of the angels said, “That is wise.” 

_Not really._ I had other things to think about, like how I was going to get around what I’d told Dean. I wouldn’t go in, but I didn’t say I wouldn’t give him help from outside the building, and now the windows were gone, so I could use the last two sniper rounds that Gabriel gave us to use on Lucifer to cover Dean if Michael was going to be a problem. I should’ve used them on Raphael instead of getting Crowley involved, but then there’s no way I could’ve gotten past all the security Raphael had guarding him along his hall or to him at all after the Army from Hell got involved up there. I just needed to get them out of Dean’s bag. They were mine. Gabriel gave them to me. 

“Our Father did as you asked. Why –“ 

Dean interrupted that angel. “She had a meeting with the big guy a few years back. He helps her out when she asks for it . . . we need to go get Michael.” Then he pulled me in for a hug. 

_I don’t want a hug right now._ We were in the middle of a hunt, and he was being entirely too affectionate and had been since we got there. It was a distraction we didn’t need. _He shouldn’t be here. He isn’t ready._ “You’re still off your rocker. That’s the only reason I’m not going in there. Give me back my halo points. They’re -” 

“Yeah . . . kinda figured something like that was coming . . . Uh, so you know what you mean to me, right? And I do trust you . . . but this is one of those times I’m gonna do something that’s gonna piss you off, and we’ll work it out later.” Then he held onto me tighter, so I couldn’t push him away, looked over my head at one of the angels standing behind me, and said, “Knock her out. The 5 best fighters stay with her and -” just before it all went dark.


	17. No Way Out

“You should not have done that. There was no need for it. Our Father told us to protect her even from Michael,” the angel on Dean’s left said. 

_They don’t need to protect her from Michael. Michael is mine. Guess the angels didn’t hear that part._ He’d made a deal, but now he wished he hadn’t, and now he remembered why he shouldn’t make deals with anything. This was going to suck. “He said to do what I said, and I am protecting her. She wouldn’t have stayed out of it,” Dean answered while he drew his angel blade and stopped the angel next to him from walking into the warehouse. He needed to have a look around the corner and see what they were dealing with inside. The Punishing Angels were gone, but he didn’t know what else was left. 

The path looked clear enough from here, so he pulled out his paintball gun that was a hell of a lot more useful than he thought when he got it, and shot out the wards he could see, went in and took out the ones on the ceiling a few feet to the right before motioning for two of the angels to follow him. He didn’t need all of them. Too many useless angels getting in the way wouldn’t do him any favors. He still needed to give the angels standing in the doorway something to do. “Surround the building, and don’t let anything out until you see me again. If I need more, I’ll send one of these two to come get you.” They nodded in unison, and he still had no idea how they ever managed to be soldiers or fight wars. The more Dean was around other angels, the more he appreciated Cas. 

As Dean made his way down the corridor, he kept an eye on the angels beside him and could notice a difference in them with each ward that was gone. Their posture changed, and their alertness improved. He checked the first room they passed and was grabbed by shirt and thrown into a wall inside. 

While he got to his feet, one of the angels engaged the demon that had done it, and the other one showed some light in there, so he could see. There was a yellow-eyed demon in the other corner, so he flipped his angel blade around and threw it into its heart. Heart or head worked for them. It was just hard to get a direct hit on either when they were as fast and strong as they were. 

That cleared the room, but they were gonna have to check every room between here and the room where Michael was being held. They should’ve cleared out most of what was here when they were outside, but that didn’t mean there was nothing left in the warehouse. The more of these things that they killed now, the less of them that would find a way out and be another pain in the ass he’d have to deal with out in the world. They already had enough to deal with out there, and his focus needed to shift to other things, like getting rid of Eve and the Leviathan. 

“The North Star is your subordinate?” the second angel asked after they cleared another room. 

“Don’t call her that. Don’t call her the oracle either. Her name is Beth, and no . . . she’s not.” Subordinate sounded bad. He wasn’t superior to her. These angels talked a lot when they should be shutting the hell up and focusing on the demons and whatever else was in here. Dean thought they’d at least wait until they were spoken to before they started yapping. Took ‘em long enough to start fighting outside when nobody told them to do it. Give them a loose leash for a couple of minutes, and they forget thousands of years of training. 

“I was with you in Heaven, and she is a warrior . . . There is no greater punishment for a warrior than to be taken out of battle, and you did so against her will,” the first angel on his shoulder said. 

“Hael?” She nodded at his question, and Dean relaxed a little. That’s why she’d nodded to him out in the woods. She’d wanted to let him know she was here. “Beth’s not a warrior. She’s a hunter. Most humans can go on somewhere else after they die. She can’t until her soul’s done re-growing because of what those Punishing angels did to her,” Dean found himself saying as the first inkling of guilt over what he just did starting to wiggle its way through his hunter façade. Beth could be mad at him later. If she was, that meant he’d done his job, because she was still around to be pissed off. 

“If you don’t have legitimate power over her, you should not have done what you did . . . and she is a warrior . . . the same way that you are a warrior though you call yourself a hunter. We saw you both fight outside, and she is your comrade . . . one that should be in here with you instead of two angels that you do not know,” the other angel answered. It made Dean stop. _When the hell did they decide to become so preachy?_

Hael answered what he’d been thinking, “You received your orders from God, and we received ours,” before she took point on the next room and left Dean standing out in the hall.

Why did he feel like he was about to be taught a fucking lesson by God over making Beth’s decisions for her? He’d lived around two lesson teachers for long enough that he knew the signs. Maybe that’s why God listened to Beth and let Gabriel do whatever the hell he wanted. God liked the way they taught lessons. 

When the angels came back after killing whatever was in there, Dean went back to leading them to their final destination. He just wanted to get this done and over with. When they did finally get to the room at the end of the hall, the two angels stood guard at the door and Hael told Dean to go in on his own. Didn’t look like he was as in charge as he’d thought . . . They’d been more like two yapping angels on his shoulder that were supposed to get him this far, and the rest was up to him. 

_So, yeah, this is definitely a lesson for me._ Dean went in alone and had a look around the room. His eyes went to Michael first. The archangel was hanging by the wrists at the back of the room. Looked like Crowley had stuffed him into a vessel, so he could inflict pain on him down here. The vessel was flaking off of him. He was bloody and broken . . . looked unconscious. 

“I am fully aware. The oracle asked my Father to intercede on my behalf,” Michael muttered before the archangel struggled to lift his head from its bowed position, and the shadowy outline of broken and half de-feathered wings started to show up on the wall behind him, but he couldn’t get it up and just went back to hanging there. _This is gonna be a longer lesson than I thought._

Dean scanned the room and caught sight of the blood spatter, body parts, and burnt out angel wings in one corner of the room and the burnt to a crispy fried angel remains of the other one in the middle. That one must’ve been Kushiel. Dean went up to the ash to get a closer look at the perfectly preserved statue of the angel and touched it, causing it to crumble and fall into a pile of ash on the floor. _Dickhead still got off light._ “Don’t call her the oracle. Her name is Beth,” Dean said turning to look at Michael while he wiped his hand on his jacket. 

“You think it strips her of her worth . . . to reduce her to something that has no name? She has no worth. She should not exist. Perhaps I will go back and make sure that she does not,” Michael said in a way that let Dean know he’d meant it. In response, Dean stormed towards Michael, picking up the archangel blade off the table as he went, and only stopped his forward movement when the tip had cut into Michael’s stomach. 

“Look at me.” When his demand didn’t work, Dean pushed Michael’s head back with his other hand and said more menacingly, “Look at me you son of a bitch.” Michael met Dean’s eyes with his own look of defiance and hatred while Dean said coldly, “I will destroy you. Wipe out everything that ever meant anything to you . . . including God . . . you won’t touch her. You won’t go back and make sure she is never born.” 

Michael gritted out, “You cannot –“

Dean leaned closer and said, “I know where the God tablet is. I don’t have to kill Him to ruin God. Do you understand me?” Michael appraised Dean to see if he was telling him the truth and nodded before he looked away. 

Dean relaxed, took a step back and brought the archangel blade with him. Thankfully, Sam hadn’t thought of going back in time to get it before Beth could smash it after they found the time spell. Dean had, because he always thought of things Sam might be able to do to get around what Beth had done. He had to make sure Sam stayed on the straight and narrow. He wasn’t gonna be caught off guard by Sam again, but that didn’t mean he didn’t think that Sam had gone a good job so far. 

Sam was thinking about giving up being a hunter to help raise those kids at the camp, and Dean thought that was the best thing his brother could do . . . Killing the monsters, demons, and angels in the world . . . that’s how Dean tried to make up for the things he’d done wrong, but that’s not what Sam needed. If Sam stayed at Bobby’s, Sam would finally be setting things right by helping those kids have the life they deserved, one that was better than this shitty road he and Sam had been on their whole lives. 

It put the kids first, and that’s what Sam had to do . . . put them above himself and what he wanted and above Dean and what he wanted too. It was the only way Dean thought his brother could ever really be saved after what he’d done, and if it meant Sam’s soul would be saved, he’d let Sam go his own way. It’s why he was gonna keep steering Sam that way, but for it to work, Sam had to be the one to make the decision. 

“You love your brother. Even after all that he has done?” 

Dean took another step back while he said, “More than anything.” 

“More than the . . . Beth?” 

Dean needed Beth to make him want to live. Sam . . . Sam was the one that had always given him the strength to keep fighting. He had to be stronger than he was for Sam. If he didn’t have Beth and just had Sam . . . He’d be a lethal hunter that tried to do the right thing, but one that felt hollow and empty inside. He needed them both. 

In that moment, he finally understood what Beth had been saying about Cas and him, and it added this whole other dimension to it that he’d have to work out later. He wasn’t working it out with an archangel in the room that could read his mind . . . And he loved his daughter as much as he did Sam or Beth . . . It wasn’t a competition. He didn’t have to say if he loved one more than another, because he loved them all. 

Michael grunted in pain before he said, “If you still love your brother, then you know why it is that I did not kill Raphael.” 

Oh. It wasn’t just that Michael thought it was their fault that the war started and that Crowley had gotten a hold of him because of something Beth did, Beth and Cas made sure Crowley killed his brother. Uhhh . . . no wonder Michael was pissed with her, but . . . “Yeah, but when Sam was at his worst. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do what had to be done to stop him, and he had to be stopped, so I called in someone I trusted to take care of it either way,” Dean answered while grabbing his lock pick from his pocket. 

Michael watched him start picking the handcuff around his left wrist and said, “The same one who had my brother killed?” 

Dean thought about it while he worked the lock. When he heard it click, he had to be fast to catch Michael and tried to support him to keep the angel’s weight off his other wrist while he reached for the other handcuff. When he finally had that one, he helped Michael sit on the floor and crouched in front of him. “Yes and no. Both were Beth. It’s just the Beth I had was a little more . . . like you . . . no emotions involved . . . just could Sam be saved or not? If he couldn’t have been, she would’ve killed him. The Beth you got made sure the job got done, but she didn’t do it herself. She loaded the weapon and handed it off. She wasn’t doing it for justice. She did it because it was a job that had to get done fast after those daevas Raphael was controlling attacked one of our camps. She did it to save lives . . . And there’s no way Raphael would’ve stopped doing what he was doing until everything God created, including you, was wiped out.” 

“Humans have the right to make decisions on guilt, sentencing and redemption. It goes along with free will. It is still a foreign concept for me,” Michael responded while leaning his head back against the wall to look at Dean. 

“Oh, I don’t know. I think you’ve been calling the shots plenty in Heaven . . . might’ve been following a guide book on how to do it, but you can’t lead by going to check some book or scroll before you make every decision. That’s not the way it works.” 

Michael sighed and said, “Perhaps . . . It is one of the things I am to learn while I recover, is it not?” 

Yeah, looked like he and Michael were both gonna be taught a lesson. He’d make sure Michael learned it . . . guess Michael would do the same for him. They were kind of in this together. “Yeah . . . you heard the rules God gave you? You’re gonna stick with ‘em?” Michael nodded, so Dean asked, “You ready to do this?” 

“I do not think I have a choice in the matter.” _Doesn’t look like it._

Dean took a deep breath before he said, “Yeah, go on . . . hitch a ride for now, but I’m takin’ your ass back to Heaven and dropping you off there when you’re better.”


	18. A Much Needed Conversation

When I started to wake up, I knew I was in a truck, and it was moving, which meant Dean was driving after I told him he couldn’t and after he had me knocked out by the damn angels at that warehouse. Might as well have kidnapped me again. It was kidnap by angel. 

I was angry . . . very, very angry, which is maybe why I started blocking Dean from knowing what I was thinking before I even realized he was driving. Maybe I wanted him to think I was still asleep. _How am I going to respond this?_

I couldn’t give him the silent treatment. It didn’t work, and I’d decided it was cruel and wouldn’t do it anymore. I wasn’t going to argue with him to let him know how pissed off I was after the fact, because it was done and over with and couldn’t be changed, so it wasn’t an argument I could win . . . But after this stunt, I found myself getting angry again about him banishing Gabriel and throwing me in a fucking freezer, because he hadn’t learned a damn thing from any of that.

When I opened my eyes to look at him, he seemed lost with his thoughts until I sat up, and then he glanced at me and gave me a mildly guilty expression. “Look, Beth . . . I,” 

“I get it Dean.” He didn’t look like he was expecting that. He also seemed confused, because I was rolling down my window. When I had it as far enough, I quickly snatched his weapons bag and threw it out the window. I had enough time to open up his clothes bag and empty it’s contents out the window too by the time the brakes brought us to a complete stop. 

The weapons bag went first, because I knew he cared about them more, and because I knew he would do what he did, which was give me a glare before he jumped out of the truck to go make sure none of his weapons got damaged in the fall or run over by the back tires. He took the keys with him, but it didn’t matter. Sliding over to the driver’s seat, I just pulled the wires, stripped them some, and had the truck going again before he could get back in it. I told him this was my hunt and that I would leave him alongside the road if he tried anything, so that’s what I was doing. He could catch up on foot to wherever I decided to stop tonight.

It started getting dark a couple hours later. I decided to pull over at a quaint little gingerbread cottage and unloaded my bags, so I could go in and prep it for the night. It was getting pretty cold and starting to snow again for the first time in a couple of weeks. If Dean was right about Michael being the one behind the snow, it meant Michael was alive and willing to help out again. But it also started to make me feel bad. 

After laying the traps, salt lines, and all of that, I started the fire and paced around the living room trying to decide how long I should wait before going back to get Dean. _I made my point, right? We’re even . . . maybe I came out a little on top, because he did something against my wishes, and now he’s doing something against his, but I might’ve ruined his weapons and he’s out in the cold. At least he made sure that 5-angels protected me while I was knocked out. He’s out there . . . alone, in the dark. Damn it. I am so bad at this. I keep screwing up and going overboard with it . . . but then he went overboard with it too . . . locking me in a fucking freezer . . . I need to get over that one. I thought I did . . . I guess I did when I thought he wouldn’t do something like that again, and now that he has not even a week later, it’s bringing it all up for me again . . . Still. That doesn’t mean he should be out there in the cold possibly with nothing to defend himself with and . . . fuck . . . his weapons are his pride and joy second only to his car. I did a bad thing. A very bad thing._

Grabbing my coat off the table, I threw it on, so I could go back and get him, but stopped when he kicked the front door in. Not sure why he went with kicking the door open, but it was a pretty good entrance and let me know he was pissed off straight away. I was more than a little surprised to see him . . . maybe he did go T-1000 Dean, because it’d taken me a couple hours to drive that far. It should’ve taken him most of the night to walk it . . . unless he found something to steal straight away, but there were no houses around where I left him. 

When he saw me off to his side, he quickly walked across the threshold towards me, but slowed down the closer he got. I didn’t move. I probably should have, but I was busy observing him. He wasn’t right. He was wearing his silver amulet, so he was Dean, and he felt like him . . . He felt like a desperate Dean, not the pissed off Dean that I was seeing. 

When he got to me, he picked me up by the coat, so he could hold me at eye level, and slammed me into the wall. As if I didn’t already know I was quite a bit shorter than him, I didn’t need to have my feet dangling off the ground to emphasize the point. His internal desperation grew just before he said, “Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you.” 

“Tell me why you think you should, and I’ll come up with a good counter argument.” Internally, he was frantic. Externally, his features suggested ‘Don’t fuck with me,’ Dean. I was realizing that there were a lot of Deans. I looked up at the ceiling and off to the side while I waited for him to come up with a reason why he thought I should be killed. _I like this house. It needs a good dusting, but it’s kind of perfect in a thrown together kind of way. It’s cozy._

“You don’t treat your superiors with respect.” 

“One, Dean’s not my superior. Two, neither are you, Michael. Three, respect has to be earned . . . It goes both ways, and Dean hasn’t been showing me very much of it lately . . . if ever . . . He can’t keep walking all over me. Four, I do respect you. It’s why we came to get you . . . and five, that’s not a reason to kill me, because I’m not a damn angel. I don’t have to do anything anyone says.” 

His eyes narrowed, as he leaned closer and said, “You’re insolent.” 

“You’re arrogant and have been so blinded by being at the top that you completely lost the run of Heaven . . . I told you years ago that you needed to put your house in order, but did you do it? No, you did not . . . and look what happened.” Internally, he was begging me to stop. Externally, he slammed me into the wall again. “Feel better?” I asked trying to get my bearings back. 

“Why is Dean afraid of what I will do to you, but you are not?” 

_Why do I get the feeling he really wants to know?_ “You’ll have to ask Dean why he’s afraid. He can -” 

Michael looked off to the side while I guess he had a conversation with Dean about it in his head. I hadn’t really expected him to do it right that second. I had a pretty good idea of what Dean was letting him know. I felt pretty familiar emotions coming from him that weren’t a million miles away from how he’d felt when he told me he couldn’t lose me in the truck a week ago.

When Michael finally looked at me again, I continued. “I’ve had some time to think about what me dying really means. I’ve decided that it doesn’t matter to me as long as Dean doesn’t end up being wiped out with me when I die, and with you there, I don’t even have to block him, because you aren’t going to let what happens to me happen to your vessel . . . but really, I’m not afraid, because you came in here asking me why you shouldn’t kill me instead of just doing it. And you have one brother left . . . I don’t think you want to piss him off. He loves me as much as an archangel can.” 

I may not have wanted to be wiped out of existence when I first found out about the contract on my soul, but I was coming to terms with it. I had to . . . I couldn’t actually do anything about it. It was what it was. Forever with Dean would be good, but I wasn’t going to get my hopes up on that anymore. Nothing ever worked out the way it should.

Michael took a deep breath and said, “So it’s true? Gabriel sired you.” 

_Uhh . . ._ “If you even think about trying to kill him, I will destroy what’s left of Heaven’s Host with the exception of Castiel . . . just because I know how much Heaven’s Host means to you.” 

His eyes got that intense, ‘I will kill you if you touch Sam,’ look in them. “There are many more of us that have survived than you think. You cannot destroy the Host.” 

I licked my lips before saying, “What happened to the two Punishing Angels with you last tonight?” 

He gave me a little shake and asked, “Why you? Your very existence has destroyed so much . . . why does my Father listen to you?” 

_I don’t know._ “Metatron said that it’s because I met God, and it left a mark. He said that God takes an active interest in those He or She has met.” 

“Metatron is a liar. My Father has no interest in Him. He was a scribe that fled the first chance he got, and my Father does not listen to him the way he listens to you. If you doubt this –“ 

I cut him off with a shake of my head. “I believe you . . . Gabriel let me know what kind of an angel Metatron is, but what Metatron said is all I have to go on, because I don’t know what happened in my meeting with God. I don’t remember it more than walking in and then walking out with the clear notion of what I was supposed to tell Joshua. Everything else is a blank. Maybe there’s more it, but I can’t tell you, because I don’t know.” 

Michael gave me one of Dean’s heartbroken looks. It softened me up a lot. “I sought counsel with him on what to do about Raphael every day and got no answer.” 

I took a deep breath and said, “Maybe you did . . . It just wasn’t the one you wanted. When we were in the chapel, I prayed for God to get rid of the Army from Hell and Raphael, and I got no answer. Not getting an answer is the same as getting an answer. For me, it meant that I had to figure out how to do it on my own, and that’s what I did.” 

Michael looked down to the side and like a very sad Dean, so I said, “I wish I could say I was sorry about what happened to Raphael, but I’m not . . . He was bad. He wanted to kill you. He unleashed an army on Heaven and Earth that not even Lucifer would have unleashed . . . You had thousands of years to get used to the idea that you’d have to kill Lucifer some day. None of us had the time for you to adjust to having to do the same to Raphael, so we took it out of your hands . . . I am sorry for your loss. Evil or not, I know he was your brother. I’m also sorry that I lacked the foresight to see what Crowley was going to do to you. Before he got the souls from Purgatory, I made sure that he wouldn’t kill you, but I didn’t think that he would take you and try to turn you into something you’re not. He is dead now. I made sure of that.” 

Michael gave me a look full of anger and got inches from my face. “I do not need sympathy from you.” 

“Too bad. You have it, and while I’m at it, I want to apologize for never telling you what was happening when I was in Heaven.” 

He stepped back a bit and said, “How long did you know?” 

I hung my head, and he leaned down to try and catch my eye. It was nothing like the rigid Michael I’d seen in Stull Cemetary and so very much like Dean when he tried to get me to look at him that it worked. “Not as long as you might think. I knew Raphael was the reason I was there, but I didn’t know why. It’s why I went to his office to find out, but his office was empty of any evidence on that. When they hauled me off and had Kushiel sign his name on my soul, I knew much bigger things were being planned than just me being there . . . You’re the most powerful being in creation, Michael. That contract could’ve only been against you. It took me a long time to recover from Kushiel, and then I got out and started looking into you more, but after what happened with Raphael, I wasn’t exactly going to go to your office, and you never left it unless there was a drill . . . and on those, you were always in the chapel surrounded by everyone . . . The more times I was caught after that or had more signatures put on my soul, the less inclined I was to go into a chapel full of angels to tell you. I had little to no guarantees that you would even believe me or think that anything should be done with me other than to just wipe me out. I didn’t know at the time that’s the only way the contract could be nullified, or I probably would’ve done it, but I still don’t think I would’ve made it to you past all of the angels that witnessed each of the signings. They wouldn’t have let me get to you . . . I guess I should’ve tried.” 

“So, you were afraid?” 

Yeah, I guess you could say I was. “Not of dying, but of being caught again and having worse than had already been done to me happen.” Before he could get any ideas in his somewhat fragile state, I said, “So, are you supposed to be in control right now or is Dean? Because he was all Dean earlier in the truck.” 

I figured that Michael wasn’t playing by the rules right now. It’s why Dean was going from desperate to angry now that Michael wasn’t being as threatening towards me. It felt like it was because he thought Michael wasn’t holding up his end of the bargain. “If you made a deal with Dean, you have to abide by it, and if you don’t . . . I know how to kick you out of his body . . . I’ve been carving the sigil on this wall while you weren’t paying attention . . . I don’t care what –“ 

He blinked a few times, and my Dean was back and quickly put me down before he wrapped his arms around me. “I couldn’t stop him. I . . . “ He left his sentence hanging and clung to me tighter. He felt defeated and lost and guilty. He must’ve looked behind me at the wall, because he asked, “Is that it? The sigil to get rid of him?” 

I turned back to glance at it. “More or less . . . it’s a bit wonky, because I was doing it behind my back.” I flipped my pocketknife closed, stuck it in my coat pocket, and added, “You want to use it?” 

Moving around him, I took my coat off, and Dean stayed there looking at the sigil before he ran his hand down his face and turned around. “Can’t . . . Made a deal. Have to stick with it.” 

I put my coat on the back of the couch and looked down at it. “Why?” 

He came up behind me, and I could tell he wanted to hold me again, but held off on it, because he didn’t think he deserved it. “Uh . . . I told God I’d do anything He said, no questions asked, if he kept me from losing you.” 

My heart sunk. I had a feeling that’s why he’d done it, but hearing him say it confirmed it, and my coat started going blurry while I tried not to tear up. _When the fuck did this deal with God happen?_ “What kind of resistance did you have after the Punishing angels were gone?” 

Dean moved closer, but still stopped himself from touching me while he said, “Not as bad as outside.” 

I nodded. “I wasn’t supposed to die last night . . . Michael would’ve stabbed me to try to get you to say ‘yes’ to him to do what you’re doing now. You would’ve said ‘yes’ as long as he healed me. Sam said –“ 

“Doesn’t matter. I made the deal before that. You can’t die before your soul’s done . . . if it wasn’t last night, it would’ve been another time . . . soon. I can feel it.” 

_He can feel it?_ Normally I trusted him, but he’d been so off in the last couple of weeks . . . obsessed with this notion of me dying. If that’s why he did it, there was no talking him out of this. 

“So . . . how does this work? What kind of time share are we talking about?” I asked turning to face him. 

He looked away from me. “Not supposed to be any time share . . . What just happened shouldn’t have happened. He’s just supposed to be fixing himself . . . needs me to do it . . . as soon as it’s done, he’s gone . . . I don’t know what happened. I was pissed off and walkin’ and then he took over.” 

Not even there a day, and Michael was already doing whatever he wanted. This was not going to end well. Also, this wasn’t supposed to be Dean. It sounded a hell of a lot like what happened with Sam and Gadreel except Sam didn’t know Gadreel was there, and Dean knew Michael was. Why did Sam’s shitty things keep happening to Dean now? There had to be a reason for it. 

“How are your weapons? Sorry I threw them out the window. I might’ve gone overboard with it.” I decided to change the subject, so I could think about it later. 

Dean exhaled a quick laugh and turned away from me. “They’re fine. Half my clothes got destroyed after you ran over ‘em . . . You’re getting better in the angry girlfriend department.” 

Not really. I needed to find a happy middle ground where I wasn’t throwing clothes and weapons out of the truck and not traumatizing him by not talking to him for a week, but he really didn’t make it easy sometimes, and was I a girlfriend? Didn’t feel like it. I didn’t really want to be an angry one if I was one. 

He glanced at me and laughed again. “You gonna over analyze that too?” 

I opened my mouth to say something and just ended up take a deep breath before I turned and walked away saying, “I like this house.”

Dean followed me and asked, “Yeah? What do you like about it?” 

“I don’t know. I like the stonework around the fireplace . . . and the woodwork . . . the wooden floors and the wooden bar at the back of the living room . . . the old wooden beams in the ceiling . . . the bookshelves . . . and I like the way it feels. It feels comfortable.” 

“Think you might want to stay here for awhile?” 

“On my own? No. Don’t even think about trying to lock me up as –“

He wrapped an arm around me and pulled me to him while he said, “Wouldn’t be for long, just until this is over. He really doesn’t like you.” 

I pushed him away from me in protest. “No . . . and now you know what it’s like to have someone else make you do something you don’t like, so don’t leave me here.” 

Ducking his head, he sighed before saying, “It’s not the same thing. And the idea is to keep you from getting killed, not make it happen faster. I don’t know what’ll happen if he takes over again.” _I don’t care. I’m not going to let Dean and his new angel-sidekick walk out the door and wander the land alone._

“It is the same thing. You pulled off a kidnap by angel last night . . . But this isn’t just about last night. You’ve been crazy, since Adam died . . . After Sam and I got to that house in Nova Scotia, I knew every time he left that he was trying to get you to come back, and you wouldn’t do it. The longer it went on the angrier I got with you, because you promised me you wouldn’t leave. You promised me you would help me raise her. And then things started to go wrong, and all I wanted was you, but you weren’t there, so I had to call Cas . . . You were on your best behavior when I forgot you, because you didn’t think I was me, but you went right back to it as soon as you knew I got my memories back, and it’s only gotten worse . . . let’s go hang out in Beth’s soul and make her relive things against her will, because that’s what’s best for her. Let’s lock Beth in a freezer because she won’t talk to me . . . I keep getting over it, because I don’t want to hurt your feelings the way I am now, and then you do it again by doing things like what you did last night. I used to be able to tell myself that you’d never physically force me to do something, because you used to hear me out, but that’s not true anymore. Right now I wouldn’t even trust you to buy me cake without thinking you drugged it to knock me out. You used a hug against me last night.” 

_Wow. Did you really just say all that? Yeah, I know. I’m a bitch._ I hadn’t actually called him out on leaving me when I was having Rogue yet, so maybe that’s why he’d felt really bad when I was saying what I said about it . . . might’ve been the frustrated tears I couldn’t stop when I was saying it though . . . I know he felt worse when I said the cake thing. Maybe I’d gone overboard with it again. 

I took a deep breath and ducked my head before saying, “I make mistakes all the time too . . . and it doesn’t seem to matter to you, but then you’re a better person than me. I just want a say in my life. I shouldn’t have to ask permission from you on whether anything I do is okay or not.” 

Dean sighed before running his hand through his hair. “All right . . . We’ll stick together, but I’m not taking him back to the camp . . . any of the camps. I don’t trust him. I don’t know what he’d do to Sam or the kids if he takes over again.” Okay. Looked like we wouldn’t be going home for a while. What about Rogue? I hoped this didn’t take too long, because I didn’t want either of us to be away from her for long.


	19. Crossroads

_”Beth thinks Chuck got a faulty vision to keep her out of the warehouse.”_ As soon as Dean said it, Sam thought through what Chuck had seen. Maybe there were some holes in there, but they weren’t glaring. Why would Dean even need Michael to heal Beth? Dean healed her from something a lot worse in Heaven. 

It’d played on Sam’s fear that his brother would agree to being a vessel, so he’d tell them what Chuck saw. Sam felt used and like he should’ve thought through it before saying anything. This was his fault for calling Beth without questioning it first. Sitting on the couch, he said, “All right . . . tell me where you are, and I’ll bring Rogue and –“

_“Can’t . . . we’re going on a hunt.”_

Why did Sam get the impression that wasn’t all there was to this. “So, you’re just gonna stay away from the people here . . . from your daughter . . . until when? How long are we talking here, Dean?” 

Dean sighed, but didn’t answer . . . Dean had no idea how long this was going to take. Didn’t bother to even get a timeline on it first? What if it took years? Or what if Michael decided not to go so willingly . . . sure Beth had that sigil she could use to kick Michael out, but Michael had to stay in one place for her to use it. Sam knew Dean should’ve never gone on this mission. 

Dean was unstable, and Beth was too. She was trying too hard not to force people into doing something they didn’t want to do because of all the times angels had done it to her. Sam should’ve prayed to Gadreel, who was still in Wisconsin, and had him bring Dean back here that first night, but he hadn’t thought of it. 

_“Beth wants you to have Kevin start on her classes . . . said something about a lesson plan being in our room . . . might be a good time for you to think about what we talked about before I left, Sam . . . I’ll stay in touch.”_ Then Dean was gone. 

Sam looked down at the phone in his hand and muttered, “Not like I have much choice in it,” before taking a deep breath and getting up to go look for Beth’s lesson plans. He’d give them to Kevin in the morning. 

Flipping through the first couple of pages, Sam noticed that they were a lot more detailed than he’d thought they’d be. He wondered if she knew something like this would come up. Probably not. She probably thought that things were always coming up to interrupt her and planned ahead until . . . It looked like February . . . just in case she had to go away a few times between now and then. It sucked that she had to plan like that. 

She had no stability in her life, and it looked like she was trying to get that through teaching her classes the same way he was, but she knew it was always going to be interrupted, because hunting came first. Hunting didn’t come first for him. Dean came first, his niece came second, the kids came third, and then hunting came last after making sure the other hunters out there got what they needed to move on to the next hunt after he coordinated with the Kansas camp. He was already taking a back seat on hunting with Dean. He just hadn’t realized it until now. 

Sam thought about how this whole Michael thing sucked for his niece too. The only reason Dean even told him was because Dean and Beth had called to talk to Rogue before she went to bed. Beth had gone first, and after she was done, she told Sam before handing the phone to Dean. His niece had been all smiles when she listened to Beth say whatever she said to her, but she’d beamed up at him with a huge smile when Dean talked to her. 

A phone call before bed wasn’t much, but it was something . . . a hell of a lot more than their Dad used to do for them. Dean was trying. He just couldn’t stop and give it all up. Doing that now wasn’t possible anymore with the way the world was. At least Dean was keeping Rogue in one place . . . But didn’t want Jody watching her, because he thought Jody was falling into that ‘meeting with God' trap. Sam was going to talk to her about it tomorrow. He understood what it was like to be on both sides of it, so maybe he was the best person to do it. 

With no help from people other than Jenna, it was Sam’s responsibility to take care of Rogue. He was good with that, especially after what happened with the daevas, and maybe that’s why Dean could do what he did, because he knew Sam was here taking care of her and keeping her safe and making sure she got to sleep in the same bed every night. She had at least one person outside of her parents who would do anything for her, who loved her almost as much as if she were his own, but it wasn’t the same as having her own Dad and Mom around. 

Sam wondered if he hadn’t done what he’d done to the world if Dean would’ve retired after he had her. He thought Dean might’ve. Maybe Dean and Beth would’ve still gone on local hunts, while Sam stayed to watch their daughter, but he thought Dean would’ve gotten a job as a mechanic somewhere and mostly quit the life. 

Sam hated that he’d taken that from Dean, because Dean couldn’t do that now. He knew the world needed his brother out there fighting for it, or it wouldn’t survive. He thought he should be a part of that, but what about his niece? She needed him. He’d been in her shoes . . . and he wanted her life to be better than his had been. 

It tied in with him wanting the kids at this camp to have a better life than he’d had, but he knew deep down that all he was offering them was an education . . . it was a poor substitute for them having their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents and friends in towns and neighborhoods all across this country. 

And there was only so far he could take them. What happened when they got old enough to go to college? The only one that might be qualified to teach that was Beth, but she hadn’t even finished her PhD or done her postdoc or anything that any professor had to have, and someone still needed to teach the younger kids. He’d have to go full-time into studying just to keep up with what the college kids would have to know . . . and that would be for one class, not 3 or 5 or 10 that their interests may branch out into. He’d have to swing by a university soon to see if he could find any old lesson plans or assignments or something. He needed to start reading up on it now, so he could be ready if any of the kids wanted to do that instead of hunting. 

At the moment, it looked like hunting was winning out. That’s what they all tried their hardest at excelling in on a day to day basis, but the school side was starting to gain a few supporters, like that Ezra kid was never going to be a hunter, but he loved learning History. He stayed late and wrote out extra questions for Sam to go over with him. But then the kid had an equal interest in Math, because he wanted to become an astronomer some day. Every time Ezra wrote that, it hurt Sam a little more. He still thought he had a shot at becoming an astronomer. How was Sam going to make sure Ezra didn’t fall through the cracks and could become an astronomer the way he would’ve been able to if the world hadn’t been destroyed?

It was a world Sam had to help his brother put right, because Dean shouldn’t be out there cleaning up his messes without him. It should be him, not Dean, trying to set things right, but then these kids . . . it was his job to set them right too. And what about the kids in Kansas and Wisconsin? The ones in Kansas would be all right maybe. They had school there, but they’d all grow up to be soldiers, and there was nobody at the Wisconsin camp suited to teaching, or Sam didn’t think there were. 

Maybe Bobby was good at Japanese and knew world lore and history like nobody else, but Bobby wasn’t a teacher. Bobby didn’t know Math or Science. All those kids were going to grow up learning how to farm or sew or knit, but what if none of them wanted to do those things. Those were the only things those kids would be given an option to do, and how many Ezra’s were in the Wisconsin or Kansas camps that were being offered something that held no interest for them . . . how many of them would have miserable lives, because they couldn’t be what they wanted to be? 

It was overwhelming, and he didn’t know what to do. What was the right thing? Hunting with Dean felt like the right thing, but so did making sure as many kids as possible were able to grow up with dreams when they didn’t have anything else to keep them motivated to get out of bed in the morning. He couldn’t leave hunting or Dean behind. He didn’t want to do it. He needed Dean, and these kids needed him and Dean and Beth . . . and he was at a major crossroads that Dean kept pushing him towards, and he didn’t want to budge from his spot in the middle. He couldn’t. To make a decision that would have lasting implications like that . . . He’d done that once before and look what happened to the world. 

It wasn’t just that. There was a part of him that said, ‘Yeah, but you didn’t just do it once before . . . look at what happened when you finally got out. You met Jess and went to college,’ and another part that said, ‘And then look what happened. I thought I could let my guard down, and then Jess died and law school went up in flames.’ So even that time someone he loved had been killed because of something he did or didn’t do. He’d brought Jess into it just by being with her. There was no choice for him. There was Dean or face a life of constant screw-ups where other people got killed.

He couldn’t think about this right now. Getting up to head downstairs with the lesson plan, Sam wondered why Dean was pushing him on it. It seemed like Dean wanted him to stay here. Why else would Dean have told him again to have a think about it? Dean wanted him to live here and have a somewhat normal life, but why? Did Dean not want him around anymore, or did Dean think that if Sam hunted, he’d go dark side again? Didn’t Dean trust him? Yeah, Dean trusted him . . . he could say that. Rogue meant the world to Dean, and Dean left her in Sam’s care without a second’s hesitation, so Dean trusted him, but maybe Dean didn’t trust him out there . . . or maybe Dean really did want him to be happy and not have to hunt anymore. 

Would it make Sam happy though? It was strange that he just equated happiness with being here when a few minutes ago he was thinking that it was too overwhelming and that he had to be with Dean. He hated this. He wished Dean never said anything to him about using this time to think about it. He looked at the phone and thought about calling Dean back to ask him what he’d meant by it. 

He shouldn’t. Dean would answer, and then they’d talk about it, and Dean would either hedge on what he’d meant or tell him straight up and both things would be something Sam didn’t want to hear . . . unless they weren’t. This was torture. Sam went down to check on Cas, like he did throughout the day everyday now that he’d been left here on his own. 

Cas was okay, but he was still out. Dean was still messed up from what Crowley did no matter what Cas took from him. Dean was messed up enough that he said ‘yes’ to Michael for some reason. Dean needed his brother. Beth could only do so much, and Dean was smothering her. It wasn’t good for her either. She had her own issues to deal with now . . . She couldn’t be at Dean’s emotional beck and call 24/7 the way she used to be. She could try, but she wouldn’t be able to do it on her own, or she’d fly right off the deep end again. 

Sam sat there with Cas for a few minutes . . . more than a few minutes. Most of him felt like he should grab his bags, call Kansas to see if they could track Michael, and go find Dean. What about his niece though? He couldn’t leave her, but he didn’t want Michael to see her. What if Michael decided she shouldn’t exist if Michael didn’t think Beth should? 

Dean said he thought that him getting mad at Beth was what let Michael think it was okay to go and take care of her himself, since that’s what Michael wanted to do anyway. Michael was looking for any excuse to get rid of Beth . . . And how much more leverage would Michael have over Dean if his daughter was in the same room as them? A week. He’d give Dean a week to figure this out, and then he was coming for him and pushing Michael out himself.


	20. Lie Detector Test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one has sexual content and may be triggering for some. It's marked in bold at the start and end, so you don't have to read if you don't want.

“So, we’re going on a hunt?” I asked as I watched Dean hang up the phone. I didn’t think we should be taking Michael on a hunt with us. 

Hopping into bed with me, Dean gave me a grin and said, “Yeah, why not? I called Kansas earlier. They have a couple of werewolves the next state over . . . Might even be weredemons. We could finally start tracking them down. Haven’t seen one of them since Vegas.” 

_Yeah, but the werewolves we found in Vegas turned out to be good and most of them are human now._

Dean sighed. “All right. We’ll see if there’s anything there worth saving . . . I wouldn’t count on it though. They’ve been on their own too long. Without Sam to keep ‘em in line, the demons probably made them start eating hearts or maybe the demons just left ‘em, and they started doing it on their own . . . doesn’t have to be human hearts . . . could be squirrel hearts, and the cure wouldn’t work.” 

_But what if they were still wearing their collars?_ Dean rolled over and turned off the light while he said something about me being a buzzkill. Yeah, but if they were wearing collars, and they hadn’t been munching on hearts, that was more people to add to our numbers. Lately, all we’d been doing was killing things. We hadn’t been saving nearly enough people that had to still be out there.

_Fucking stupid idea thinking these things could be saved . . . and the computer in the bunker needs better resolution. Couple of werewolves my ass . . . try a fucking pack of them._

I had decided to play bait, and Dean was supposed to be in our rendezvous point. I was sprinting through the woods on my way there with my gun in my right hand and a silver knife in the left just in case I needed both for some reason . . . 2 . . . maybe 3. That’s what I’d been expecting . . . not 9 . . . well, 7 now. I had to shoot a couple to get away from the campfire I’d lit to draw them out. They weren’t weredemons. They were very bad werewolves with no collars, but they transformed at will, which meant they were within 4 generations of the Alpha. Whether they’d been turned in Vegas, I couldn’t say for sure, and I wasn’t sticking around to ask them. 

I saw the roof of the barn start to peek out over the top of the trees ahead of me and pushed myself a little harder to get there. I was nearly to the clearing when something came at me from the right. All I had time to do before it tackled me was bring my left hand up under my right arm, so it’d fall on my silver knife when it landed on top of me. I lost my gun in the process and didn’t hit it just right, but it still rolled off of me clutching its side. That gave me enough of an opening to finish the job using my knife before I scrambled to grab my gun, rolled onto my back and shot the next nearest one to me. 6 . . . that I knew of . . . Who knew how many of these things were out here? I rushed to get back on my feet, so I could try to stay ahead of the rest, but kept my attention on my surroundings a little better after that. 

When I got to the barn, I didn’t see Dean, but I knew he was there and stopped outside the doors to turn back and face the numbers that were coming out of the trees. Was I ever going to get less of them than 7? Dean quickly answered that question for me, because 3 of them went down before the rest even knew what hit them, allowing me the opportunity to take out another one before Dean had to jump down off the roof and land on one that had been sprinting towards me from the left. 

The other two didn’t seem like they wanted to stick around after he killed that one, so I cut the palm of my left hand. I thought maybe if they smelled blood, they’d start thinking of hearts. I shot one of them that stayed, and Dean stood up and looked at me. “Can we not get through one hunt without you bleeding?” 

_What? It worked._ Now there was only 1 left that Dean decided to take off after on his own. I stayed there and tied something around my hand to stop the bleeding and heard Dean’s gun go off twice, so I assumed that was it. Monsters you could kill with guns were so much easier to kill than one’s you had to stab, decapitate, or set on fire. 

When Dean came back he asked if I thought that was all of them, and I didn’t know. We had to make sure. Even if there weren’t any of the ones that originally started the pack left, the others all knew how to turn more people, and the last thing we needed was for any unknown survivors to be turned into monsters before we could find them.

After searching the area, it looked like we were in the clear, so we went back to the house we’d been staying in for the last few days. I really liked that house the more we were there . . . the more it felt lived in the better it got. 

After I got done brushing my teeth, Dean was standing outside the door waiting for me. Before I had a chance to say anything, he leaned down to kiss me while he turned me to walk me back towards the bed. My t-shirt was on the floor by the time he got me to the mattress. We’d been okay the last few days, but he’d been keeping his distance unless it was to sleep next to me at night, so I wasn’t expecting it. 

I also wasn’t expecting him to break the kiss and whisper in my ear, “I wanna hear what you’d want if we got out.” _What?_ I was going to turn my head to look at him, but he decided to brush his lips down my neck, and I ended up looking away from him to give him better access. When his lips got back up to my ear, he said, “I wanna know.” 

I licked my lips. “You thinking of retiring?” 

I felt his breath on my neck as he said, “Maybe. After we get done doin’ what needs to be done.” 

There was a lot left to do. I hadn’t really thought about retiring. I couldn’t exactly think about it now. Not when I felt his tongue on my neck and his body pressing into mine. I let out a soft whimper when he hit the spot that felt the best on my neck. My body pushed against his harder just before he stopped, and I felt cold metal on one of my wrists. I looked at the handcuffs and then at him. He landed his mouth over mine and bit my bottom lip gently before he wrapped the cuffs around the wooden spindle in the headboard and clasped the other one around my other wrist. 

When he was done, he let go of my hands and let his hands glide his down my arms until he got to my bra, which made me arch up against him in expectation of something more before he stopped and broke the kiss to breathe out, “You want more . . . I need to hear it.” 

_What?_ “Are you serious? You’re only doing this because you’re still not right?” 

He stopped and looked down at me. “I’m not crazy. I love you. I don’t want to keep being a dick to you, and as long as we’re hunting, I probably will be. If we stop, I want to know what you want.” 

“It’s not hunting. You never used –“ 

To get me back on track, he crashed his mouth over mine and got me all worked up again before he pulled back and said, “I know what it’s like to lose you now . . . I mean really lose you. Those 3 months you were gone, I didn’t think I’d see you again . . . And the only reason I wasn’t as bad when you didn’t remember me is because we only went on 2 hunts, and you let me take care of you after you got hurt by the Alpha.” 

When I didn’t say anything to that, and he gave me a look full of . . . hot sex is the only way to describe it before he leaned back down and stayed just out of reach of my lips while he said, “Start thinking about it . . . we’re not doing this forever . . . we’re gettin’ out.” 

**He knew** how to get me excited without quite giving me what I wanted, so it didn’t take long before I exhaled, “I want a house like this.” I got my reward as he quickly returned to my lips. It felt like pure ecstasy when his thumbs pushed down the material in my bra. 

My thinking clouded over, and I wasn’t thinking about anything other than Dean when he broke the kiss and moved back over to my neck before he said, “What else?” 

_What? I gave him something already._ I took a couple of quick breaths and answered, “I want another dog . . . so Jules isn’t alone. Jasper is gone all the time now,” to make him give me what I wanted. 

He did and left me gasping for more when he glided his lips down my neck and chest to just above my bra. “You want a house like this . . . or this one?” 

He was giving me what I wanted just long enough to get me incredibly hot, and then stopping, so I panted out, “This one.” He smiled before he gave me what I wanted again. 

Each stroke of his tongue made me writhe beneath him, and each soft nip of his teeth had me moaning for more until he stopped and asked, “What else?” as he undid the button on my jeans. 

I licked my lips again and said, “I want my car here . . . I want you to fix it if it breaks.” 

He grinned, but kept what he was thinking to himself before he indulged me by moving over to my other breast and at the same time unzipped my jeans and started to slowly slide them down my hips. I got lost in it again before he stopped and asked, “What else?” 

_What else what?_ I’d done a pretty good job until then. I still found myself saying, “I want a pool table downstairs near the bar, so I can watch you play anytime I want,” before his lips and tongue slid their way down towards the waist of my panties, and he teased me by going back and forth before he hooked his fingers under them and started to slide them down, but stopped before he got too far and asked, “What else?” 

Breathing heavily, and exhaled out, “I want to read and watch movies more.”

Then he started to slide them down further, but stopped and looked to the side for a few seconds before he looked back up to me, stood up, turned around, and walked out the door. 

_Fuck. Double fuck. Michael, I’m so sorry if you can hear this at all._ I’d forgotten he was there. Clearly Dean did. 

_He shouldn’t even be there . . . where the fuck is he taking Dean? And what the fuck am I going to do now?_

It took me nearly half an hour to find a way out of my predicament. Throwing on my jeans and t-shirt before running to throw on a sweatshirt, so I could layer up more, I tried to make it fast. I knew he hadn’t left yet, or if he did, he didn’t go out the door. _Hopefully he didn’t fly out of here. What the fuck am I going to do if that’s what he did?_ I ran into the living room, and stopped short when I saw him sitting in there and looking off to the side. 

It was still Michael, so I said, “Uh . . . thanks for pulling the plug on that. I’m sorry. I forgot about you being there . . . it won’t happen again,” while I tried not to think of the ick factor of him kind of almost being like my uncle . . . not technically, because it was whatever vessel Gabriel’d had at the time that technically made me, and Rachel got Gabriel’s grace, but still . . . it was disturbing. I wanted him gone. Now. 

I glanced at the sigil I’d carved into the wall the first night we got here and thought about getting rid of him as fast as possible. “I am not done healing yet, and that is not your decision to make. I thought you wanted to be able to make your own decisions. It is hypocritical of you to make Dean’s for him,” Michael said before he looked at me. 

I ducked my head and took a deep breath. I felt weird around him now. _He let that go on too long._

“I did not want to break my agreement.” 

I looked up at him and said, “And you couldn’t have told him to stop? I know he can hear you when you talk to him. You’re a creep.” 

_**Maybe I** shouldn’t have said that. It made him look angry. I don’t want him to kidnap Dean. How does he know what I’m thinking anyway? I’m blocking him. Dean? I thought I was blocking Dean too. Maybe Dean is getting past me being able to block him._

“He is much stronger than you . . . It gives him comfort to know what you are thinking where he is, and I find that useful, so I can know what you are thinking.” 

_So, Michael’s using our connection as a way of knowing what I’m thinking?_

“It is not through the connection you think it is.” 

_What does that even mean?_ I looked off to the side and said, “You’ve been in control for long enough . . . about 35 minutes by my estimation . . . thanks for reminding us you were there, and thanks for not taking off with Dean, but . . . I think you should go back into hiding. I swear it won’t happen again while you’re here . . . I’ll keep distance between us . . . couple of feet should just about do it.” 

It didn’t look like he was planning on going anywhere anytime soon. “Your dreams . . . what Dean sees when you tell them to him . . . My brother is responsible for that. Is that not why you had my brother killed.” 

_Is he giving me a lie detector test?_

I exhaled a nervous breath and moved to sit across from him. “Yes and no . . . Not for revenge, but because I had first hand knowledge of what Raphael was capable of doing . . . how far he would go to get what he wanted. He wouldn’t have stopped. He would’ve used your love for him against you to kill you along with everything else God created. He set that Army from Hell loose on his own angels that sided with him over you. He had no loyalty to them and no loyalty to you. He unleashed that same army on Earth. The daevas attacked one of our camps . . . a lot of people died. He had to be stopped.” 

Michael cocked his head to the side and said, “And you turned to a demon to do it?” 

I looked down and nodded before I glanced at him and said, “Yeah . . . It was either Crowley or Castiel . . . I wouldn’t change what I did. It kept Cas from being the one corrupted by that power and from having to sacrifice himself by trapping himself in Purgatory. It also doesn’t hurt that now Crowley is gone years before he would have been. I think the next demon in charge of Hell won’t toy around with making hybrid monsters the way he did. I just need to find out who it is now, so I can kill the Leviathan in charge . . . I would change the way I wrote the contract with Crowley . . . I honestly didn’t think that Crowley would do what he did to you . . . I also didn’t think that Crowley would get the tablets that Raphael had . . . the Death, Demi-God, and Leviathan tablets . . . I didn’t account for everything, and I should have . . . so I’m sorry I didn’t, and that’s why I have to right those wrongs . . . starting with making sure that you were free.” 

He didn’t say anything, so I asked, “What will you do if Dean wants you to go? Will you do it, or will you put up a fight about it?” 

His only answer was, “The details on that are not for you to know,” before he blinked a couple of times, and a very pissed off Dean reemerged.


	21. Broken Promises

Dean ran through the snow and trees. He knew it was out here somewhere. He’d just seen it. Okami, they were a bit of a bitch with the stabbing 7 times thing, but Beth had her blessed bamboo arrows, so he hadn’t thought it would take this long. He felt like he’d been chasing this thing around all night. Just supposed to be another simple hunt in the area near where they were holed up. He wanted Beth to have what he knew was her dream house a little bit longer, and here he wasn’t a danger to anyone at the camps . . . Beth maybe, but she was sticking with him no matter what apparently, so for now, they could stay here. 

He heard it in the branches above him just before it swung down and forcefully kicked him back into one of the trees behind him. It hissed at him, and then it got an arrow in the chest as Beth came out from behind one of the trees to his right. She was fast enough to shoot it again before it took off, and then she came over and checked the back of his head. Looked like he was bleeding. 

It was fine, so Dean got up and wanted her to go left this time, while he went right. He got a good stab in on it earlier. 4 more and this thing would be dead. Three should slow it down some. Felt good to be hunting something that wasn’t a hybrid, angel or demon, just a run of the mill monster. Made him feel more like himself, like he had a handle on things. 

Coming out of the tree line surrounding the lake a couple of seconds before Beth did, Dean saw the okami out on the ice and stopped unsure of whether or not the ice would hold his weight. That okami was on the smaller side . . . Beth on the other hand kept going, so Dean took off after her. 

She shot it one more time, and Dean threw the knife he had on him when he finally caught up to her. He and Beth froze as the ice under them started to crack a little. She moved further away from him, and he went the opposite way. Best not to stand too close. Seemed okay as long as they were next to each other. 

The okami used their distraction to make a run at Beth and tackled her before Dean could stop it. She and the okami went skidding further away from him on the ice, but it looked like she was able to stab it with one of her knives, because it wasn’t moving much when she pushed it off of her. She finished it off . . . maybe gave it a couple of extra stabs just in case. 

Neither one of them caught that this one had a partner until it was on the ice with them and wailed as the other one died. _Thought they were supposed to be solitary._ Dean guessed things had changed for monsters too when the world ended. _‘Time to start again . . . 7 to go,’_ Dean thought as Beth pulled his knife out of the dead one and slid it towards him across the ice. 

The new one was closing in on Beth, so she calmly loaded her crossbow with one of her blessed arrows and shot it in the chest, loaded another one, while she got to her feet, and shot it again. Her second shot stuck too, and so did his knife that he threw. This one had no fear, and it was a lot bigger than the other one had been. It was getting too close to Beth, and Dean could hear the ice cracking under it as it got closer, so he pulled out his gun and shot the ice out from under it to make it fall into the freezing waters of the lake. 

“I can handle a fucking monster,” Beth muttered under her breath while she sidestepped the hole trying to get a better look without getting too close. He knew she could. He didn’t know why he just did that. He was trying. It wasn’t easy. “Think that’ll work?” Beth asked as she backed away from the hole a little. He didn’t know. 

“Works for now. I’m not ice fishing for it,” Dean answered before he and Beth started heading back towards the bank, while keeping their eyes on the hole case it jumped out . . . if it hadn’t frozen yet. The hole where it went through was already starting to form a thin layer of ice over the top of it. They only had another 20 feet to go, and they’d be in the clear, but something about it was making him uneasy. It was too quiet. 

He was about to tell Beth to make a run for it when ice under her shattered, and she landed in the water. She let out a loud gasp as the shock of the cold water hit her before she was pulled under and didn’t come back up again. _Fuck._ Dean took off his coat and prepared to go in after her when he got that annoying cock-blocking sonofabitch in his head. _‘You can not go in after her. You will die, and –‘_ Fuck that. 

Michael had been so quiet Dean almost forgot he was there again. Dean ran with determination towards the hole, grabbed Beth’s spare knife that she’d dropped as he slid past it, and went in feet first before the dickhead inside him could try to take control and stop him. 

It was fucking freezing . . . Dean felt colder than he’d ever felt before . . . his fingers went numb and felt like they were stiffening up almost immediately. He worked through it and held on tighter to the knife while he looked around. Nothing. No okami, and no Beth. 

_If you insist on staying down here until you find them. Go 30 feet to the northwest._ Dean didn’t trust Michael, but in that instant, he decided to do what the archangel said. Michael probably didn’t like it down here anymore than he did. _I cannot feel it. If you die, it defeats the purpose of me being in my vessel to repair myself if I have to waste energy repairing you._

'Dickhead.' 

When Dean saw them, there was blood in the water obscuring his view, but it meant the okami didn’t see him either, and it wasn’t expecting him, so he was able latch onto it from the back and made quick work of the rest of the stabs it needed to die. He might’ve gone overboard with it. The overkill was fueled on by his anger and fear as Beth sunk lower after the okami let her go. 

Immediately after dropping the okami’s body, Dean went after her and kicked up as soon as he had her. Before he’d even gotten to the top, he’d pulled out his gun, so he could use the butt of it to smash the ice. It took too long, but eventually he got it, and took a massive gulp of air when he finally broke free. 

Pushing Beth up onto the ice after that wasn’t easy, because the ice kept breaking, but eventually when he was sure she was far enough away from the edge that she wouldn’t go back in, he had to figure out how he was going to get out of the lake, and that took even longer. His eyes stayed on her the entire time. She hadn’t moved once. 

When he got out, Dean hesitated on picking her up. Earlier, the ice had started cracking because they stood next to each other . . . There was no other way to get her to the shore fast enough, so Dean drug her further away from the hole and then picked her up and hauled ass, trying to keep his feet as light as possible until he got to the shore. His clothes were already freezing solid, but he didn’t think about that when he put Beth on the ground and found she had no pulse. He hadn’t thought that she would, but he’d gotten it back for her before that one time, so he started chest compressions to keep her heart going until he could get the water out of her lungs. 

It was taking too long. He’d been doing it for longer than he’d had to any of the other times he did it that one time. 

‘I’ve been upholding my end of the deal. God had better fucking do the same.’ 

_You should stop._

‘Shut your fucking mouth if you’re not gonna give me a solution. I’m not fucking stopping.’

Out of frustration, Dean raised his fist high above him and hit her in the chest as hard as he could a couple of times, and she coughed out a bunch of water, so he quickly rolled her onto her side. When he rolled her back, he started checking for where the blood in the water had come from hoping that it’d been from the okami. Maybe it was. No . . . some of it was, but she definitely had a huge hole in her side. The blood was already freezing. Maybe it’d stop the bleeding for now? What happened when he got her to warm up? He’d have to deal with it then. She was too pale and had bags under her eyes . . . she was letting him do what he wanted without offering up any resistance or thinking or talking. She was too malleable . . . like she wouldn’t be able to lift a finger if he wasn’t the one doing it for her. She was breathing, and her eyes were open, but that was about it. 

Dean picked her up and got her to the truck in record time, but it wasn’t going to be warm enough. They needed to get to the house. It wasn’t far. There was a fire there. 

_That won’t be enough._

“Shut up. I’ll figure it out,” Dean shouted while he threw the truck into reverse and floored it back to the house. 

After putting her on the couch, Dean pushed it closer to the fire and started it before taking her coat off and unbuttoning her shirt. He took it and her jeans off, wrapped her in a blanket, and went in search of her first aid kit. Cleaned out her side first. As soon as it was as clean as it was gonna get, he stitched her up. When it was dressed, he grabbed a clean blanket to wrap her in, took off his own clothes down to his boxers, and crawled into the cocoon he’d made. Body heat. Might bring her body temperature up faster. 

_Yours is too low. You should not have been able to -_

“I said, ‘Shut up.’ I’ve got this,” Dean said while he pulled her closer to him and put his forehead on hers. Her eyes were closed, but she still had a pulse. She was alive. That’s what mattered. He could fix this. 

When she finally opened her eyes to look at him, he could tell she thought she was a lost cause, and it wasn’t what he was expecting. “No . . . promise me, Beth . . . promise me you won’t give up.” When all she did was close her eyes again, he shook her a little. “Promise me, and I know you’ll do it. You always keep your promises to me . . . promise me you won’t leave me.” She still wouldn’t look at him, but he knew she was awake. She just didn’t want to lie to him. He didn’t want her to lie to him either. He wanted her to fight. Putting his hand on the side of her face, while he touched his forehead to hers again, he tried again. “You’re alive. We can fix this. I’ll go into limbo and fix the hole in your side. Tell me what else I need to fix, and I’ll do it.” 

_You cannot do anything to help her._

‘Why the hell not? Because of you? Gabriel said –‘ 

_Gabriel said you could get around us blocking your connection if you are around an archangel, not if you are hosting one. Why do you think he told you not to say ‘yes’ to me a number of times?_

‘Then get your ass out here and heal her.’ 

_It is her time. You knew it was coming soon, and it has._

‘No, this isn’t her fucking time, or I wouldn’t be having a fucking conversation in my head right now . . . I made a deal.’ 

_My Father will ensure that she is with you in Heaven. You asked for her not to be taken from you._

‘No. I didn’t just ask for that. I asked that she not die. If they’re goin’ back on this . . . I have no assurances she’ll be anywhere waiting for me when it’s my time.’ 

Dean set a brief kiss on her lips and said, “Don’t give up . . . I’ll be right back,” before he quickly got up, went to the sigil Beth had carved in the wall and sliced the palm of his hand open. 

_This will not change anything. She is too close to death. If you get rid of me now, she will not be waiting for you when you die. You and I are not finished -_

“There is no you and I.” Dean slammed his hand over the sigil and landed on his knees as Michael vacated the premises. He had to reorient himself to the room before he got to his feet again. _Some fucking day it is when demons keep their deals better than God._

When Dean climbed back under the blanket with her, he wrapped her in his arms and put her head against his chest just before he said, “I’ll fix this . . . Be here when I get back,” before made himself go to that place he knew he had to go to heal her. 

When he got there, the cave was shaking and dust was coming down around him. He didn’t know if it was from her or if it was because Michael had been there. If she died, he was supposed to die, and he was okay with that, because that’s what he signed on for. He wasn’t all right with it if he got sent to Heaven without her, and that’s probably what would happen. Must be why that prophecy said what it said about her being tied to his fate, and not the other way around . . . if he was helping her build her soul, than what happened when she died was down to him, and he’d been fucking it up. Her soul rebuilding hadn’t stalled out because Cas was supposed to help now . . . It was his fault. She had to be in a good place for it to rebuild, and she hadn’t been for a long time, because of him. Being in here made things a lot clearer. 

He’d always loved her, and he’d always found new things every day that made him love her more, but he hadn’t really known her until he saw what happened to her in Heaven . . . They were the same. He understood what he was feeling better than she did, but she was just as messed up as him. He hadn’t wanted to see her as weak like him, but she was, and they kept fighting on despite that. He did it because of Sam, and she did it because of Cas, but they needed each other to be good . . . to make a whole person . . . and he wouldn’t go back to the way things were before he found her. 

The walls were shaking harder and rock was starting to come down. He had to make this fast if there was a chance of saving her. When he found where he needed to go, the whole tunnel looked like it’d collapse, and his heart sank for a moment before he pushed on with it and started pulling the rocks out of the way. About halfway there, more rocks collapsed behind him. Looked like he was trapped. Maybe that’s what he’d wanted . . . If he made a break for her side, maybe she’d take him with her if he couldn’t heal her in time. 

Approaching the hole at the end of the tunnel that would bring him into her soul, Dean paused and thought about Sam. Sam would be all right. Sam still had a chance at a life, at love, at redemption, and hope. All of that for Dean was on the other side of this wall. If Sam kept going the way he was, he’d be saved in no time. There was nothing more for him to teach Sam. Sam would have to take it from here. Dean knew he could. Sam was better than him. Stronger. Whether Sam did good or evil things, Sam had always been stronger, and now it was time for Sam to make it on his own. Sam would be better off without him anyway . . . always would’ve been better off without him, but especially if Beth was gone. 

Dean had to believe in his little brother . . . that this wouldn’t make Sam go dark side again. Sam had learned his lesson. Sam wanted to do the right thing, and as long as that’s what Sam wanted and remembered that it was the stops along the way that were important to get right, he’d be all right. Dean made his decision and went through to Beth’s half before the tunnel could collapse on top of him. 

It looked different in here. The vines were gone, but it was darker . . . cracked more . . . looked more ancient . . . had more character. The walls were shaking, but they weren’t crumbling as much as they should’ve been. Some of the ceiling was coming down, but he stayed along the sides to keep from being hit by it. “What are you doing, Dean?” 

He looked behind him, and Beth was standing there. She was still pale and had bags under her eyes, but to him she was still the hottest woman he’d ever seen . . . she was his hot girl next door that he finally got to have. “Thought I’d hitch a ride to where you’re going.” 

“What about our daughter?” she asked looking down. 

“Sam’ll do a good job with her. No guarantees I’d get to go back to her anyway,” Dean answered walking up to her. 

Beth had to look away again to keep the tears out of her eyes. “The thing that’s killing me now isn’t from something external, like a blade or a hellhound . . . Go back to our daughter.” 

“So, I won’t die because it’s – “ 

“Nope. Just like you wouldn’t if I had cancer. I take the external things that try to change you internally . . . usually. Crowley kept me from being able to do it with whatever he did to you. Maybe you really were there . . . in two places at once . . . maybe that’s why I couldn’t do anything about it that time . . . Anyway, you take the things that try to hurt me externally. I guess because that’s where you think I’m weakest. It doesn’t cover this.” 

Arching one of his eyebrows, Dean asked, “When’d you figure that out?” 

Beth ignored the piece of ceiling that landed next to her and said, “Just now . . . get out.” 

Dean bit his bottom lip while he thought about it. Maybe she was right, but it didn’t change anything. He’d already made his decision . . . found his own loophole this time. He looked around and said, “Way I see it . . . that’s even more reason to stay.” 

Beth took a step closer to make him look at her. “She needs you. You’re her whole world. Who’s going to read _All My Friends Are Dead_ to her? Who’s going to –“ 

“She needs you too, Beth, and if I don’t have you, I won’t be the Dad she needs. I’ll never read her that book again. I’ll be drunk all the time. I won’t put her to sleep at night or teach her how to do any of the things we planned on teaching her.” 

Beth slumped a little and said, “That’s not true. You were great with her when Cas had me. You’ll keep your focus on her this time too.” 

Dean shook his head. “I’d want to . . . I would, but every time I look at her or try to teach her something . . . all I’ll think is how much she looks like you or how she does things the way you would or that you should be the one playing with her blocks with her or teaching her how to shoot a crossbow, and then I’ll turn around and find the nearest bottle of whiskey. I’ll ruin her . . . If you’re dead and gone, and I know there’s no chance of ever seeing you again . . . that’s what’ll happen. When Cas had you, I thought I’d see you again even if it wasn’t this side of being dead.” 

A tear rolled down Beth's cheek before she said, “If you see me when you look at her, than tell her about me. Nobody else will –“ 

“My choice.” 

Beth couldn’t stop another tear from falling while she slowly shook her head. “Don’t do this for me.” 

She flickered, and he took a step forward. “I’m not going anywhere without you. If you want me to get out of here, tell me what to fix.” 

Panicking a little, she said, “There are too many things wrong, and I don’t have the time to –“ 

He looked around as the walls started shaking harder and more of the ceiling came down behind her. “Might as well ride it out.” 

Beth was watching the entrance to his tunnel and said, “If I promised not to give up, would you go?” 

He shook his head. “Nah, think I’ll stick around and see how this plays out first.” 

She flickered again. He was running out of time. He pulled her to him and landed is mouth over hers. Might be the last time, but he was going to make it worth it. He wouldn’t remember it afterwards. He’d be wiped out the same as her . . . no beginning and no end . . .. no Sam and no parents and no hunting or fighting or living or dying . . . just nothing. If that’s the way this was going, then he wanted to go out like this . . . in the arms of the woman he couldn’t get enough of even now . . . didn’t mean he wasn’t gonna try something first though, so as the kiss built, Dean reached behind him, touched the wall with his hand and let everything he felt for her go through him and into that wall . . . It stopped shaking just before she disappeared. 

Dean looked around and the walls further down the hall started caving in. Was she gone out there? Was that his moment . . . the last one he’d have with her? He wasn’t going anywhere. He wiped a tear that fell and let out a shaky breath while he turned around to face the wall behind him. If these walls were all there was that was left of her, he wanted to be here until the bitter end, so he pressed his hands against the wall to rest his forehead against it. He thought about all the times he’d had with her . . . the good and the bad and how none of it was enough. It’d never be enough. He closed his eyes and said, “I promised you . . . said I’d never leave you . . . I meant it . . . I always would’ve come back . . . and I won’t leave you now,” just before it all went black and then white. 


	22. The Big Empty

Looking at the man standing in front of him, “What the hell are you doing here?” came out Dean’s mouth before he thought about it. 

“I think it’s pretty self-evident, don’t you?” Death asked. Dean looked around. He didn’t know what this was. He’d never been here. It wasn’t Heaven, and it wasn’t Hell. 

“Why are you reaping me? Where’s Beth?” 

Death walked around Dean and appraised him before calmly saying, “Very unsavory business . . . wiping souls out of existence . . . It is a needless waste of immense power. Everything living thing should have a time to die and every soul should have a place to go. You could call this a holding station where I will make the final decision on those souls that will go on to the Big Empty. God may have jurisdiction over life, but my judgment in death is absolute.” 

_Uhh . . . so I’m in a cosmic holding cell? Why?_

“You ensured that you would come here. It is not your time. I will be sending you back.” 

“Whoa. Hang on a second. What about Beth?” 

Death looked at his fingernails and said, “Yes, well . . . you have far exceeded your own expiration date . . . numerous times . . . perhaps this time you will exceed my expectations,” before he looked at Dean shrewdly. “I will give you one day, 24 hours, to find her . . . If you do, you may return with her, and you will be given all the time you need to repair her soul, so she does not have to return here. If you fail, all you will leave with are your memories of her . . . but for the chance to find her, I want something in return.” 

_Is this the ring thing Beth told me about? If it is, I’m all over this . . . just have to remember where I put it._

“No, there are not enough people on the planet that are about to die any second for me to teach you about the natural order. I want the Death tablet destroyed . . . and I want my ring back.” 

Dean didn’t even have to think about it. He’d destroy all the tablets if that’s what Death wanted. “Done.” As soon as Dean said it, Death disappeared. How long was 24 hours here? Could feel like 5 minutes. Not knowing how much time he really had, Dean headed for the door at the back of the white room. Place needed a bit of color. It was creepy white. Shiny and bright . . . like something a rich asshole would live in and think was art or something. 

When Dean opened the door, he didn’t know what he was expecting, but it wasn’t what he saw. It actually was a holding cell . . . or prison . . . 3 levels with block after block after block going back as far as the eye could see. What the hell were they all doing here? There couldn’t be that many people that had died with nowhere to go . . . unless Death had been holding onto them for decades or centuries . . . longer. Was Death powering himself up by using them somehow the way the demons did in Hell or the angels did in Heaven? 

Kind of seeing why Death wanted him to destroy that Death tablet, because now Dean wanted to find out what the hell this place was and if it needed to be shut down . . . maybe it didn’t if it kept souls from being thrown away, like they were useless, but maybe they didn’t all have to be locked up. Maybe he should tell Death to let them have a giant party in here . . . happy souls had to be more powerful than locked up souls, right? 

Dean went to the right . . . the people in the cells didn’t seem to mind where they were very much . . . no screaming or reaching through the bars to beg him for help. Looked like they were hanging out . . . That guy had an old TV from the 50s and a beer in his hand . . . The woman up there looked like she might’ve been a lady of the night a long time ago in England or France or something . . . seriously what the hell were all these people doing here? How could there be that many that were supposed to be wiped out . . . not allowed to go to Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory. God was kind of a dick . . . at least Death was kind of lookin’ out for them for now. 

The worst thing about this place was that it was a prison, which meant if there was a way to break out of here, Beth would find it or had found it and was running around here right now. If she didn’t stay in one place, Dean had no idea how he was going to find her, so he started yelling for her . . . There were lot more Beth’s in here than he’d thought there’d be. He started running, so he could get through the passages faster and changed it up, so he was calling for Beth Foley hoping there weren’t as many of them. There weren’t. Maybe 10-12. That he could work with in the time he had . . . Maybe. Hopefully. He wasn’t leaving here without her. 

In one of the gaps between when he called for her and when the others responded, he heard her voice shout out, “Dean!” It was somewhere towards the back, so he took off at a sprint that way. The next time he yelled her name, she answered closer to where he’d been the last time. She was out of her cell and looking for him. If he weren’t pressed for time, he’d think it would be kind of funny if they kept just missing each other. 

Dean decided to be the one to stay in one place, cuz she wouldn’t do it, or he hoped she wouldn’t, cuz if she did, then they’d both just be standing there calling each other and wasting more time. He called her again and kept calling her until he finally saw her run into the aisle he was standing in and took off running towards her. She looked great . . . didn’t look like she was dying anymore.

Death showed up in front of him and stopped him from getting any closer to her. He was saying something about time being up, but Dean wasn’t paying attention as Beth ran and slid past Death, like she was heading for home base and popped up behind Dean saying she was there. He loved that she did stuff like that. She didn’t even know why he was in hurry to get to her, but she knew that’s what he wanted, so she made it happen in the coolest way possible. 

Dean and Beth both looked at Death expectantly, and Death sighed. “Yes, well . . . as I was saying, your time was up.” Dean went to argue that, but Death stopped him. “However, technically you did find her before that . . . because she does not play by the rules.” 

Beth quickly said, “You didn’t say that I had to stay there. It wasn’t a rule.” 

“I think the bars implied it.” Before Beth could argue that, Death added, “If I kept you, I think that you would be more trouble than I care to have . . . I could just send you into the Big Empty,” before he flicked one of his hands, and the ground dropped out from under her. She fell but managed to grab ahold of the ground before she disappeared. Dean wanted to help her, but his feet were frozen in place. 

He looked into the hole in the ground . . . yeah, the Big Empty was a good way to describe it . . . It was just black, like a whole lot of nothing. The prisoners in the cells around them came to their doors and watched as Beth struggled to reach Dean’s leg and Death said, “I believe your Father has had a word with you about cheating.” 

Beth was finally able to cling to the bottom of Dean’s jeans, and Dean turned back to watch what Death did. So, far Death didn’t look he was going to stop her. She used Dean’s leg to pull herself up and said, “Let me guess . . . You can’t cheat Death . . . Ha . . . but it helps me survive . . . even when I’m dead it helps me survive.” 

Death shook his head. “And yet, it is what has dropped you into this situation.” Death still wasn’t knocking her back. Death wanted to see how she got out of this . . . maybe try to teach her a lesson she’d never learn on cheating. 

“You didn’t say I had to stay there . . . neither did your reaper that put me there. It’s not my fault if the locks on your –“ 

Death waved his hand, and Dean and Beth were both back in the white room. “Too many eyes and ears that do not need that kind of information,” Death responded while Beth got to her feet. 

_Must not get too many jailbreaks._

“No, I do not. Most of them know what will happen to them if they do,” Death said looking at Dean. 

“Yeah, what’s the deal with all of them anyway?” Dean finally asked. 

“Where do you think most of your vengeful spirits go if you have to send them on without them coming to the decision to cross over on their own? Some . . . the ones that God has deemed lived an extraordinarily good life before they died are sent on to Heaven automatically . . . others that lived heinous lives go to Hell . . . most end up here,” Death answered. 

Oh. Maybe these were the lucky ones . . . never felt bad about offing them, but Dean definitely wouldn’t now . . . This place didn’t seem so bad compared to Heaven or Hell. Hadn’t seen a spirit in awhile. There were too many other big things to hunt right now. “Yes, well . . . when you decide to start hunting them again . . . now you know . . . and yes, it does boost my power, so please feel free to continue, and remember our deal,” Death said before he waived his hand, and Dean woke up in the dark. He felt around. Felt a hell of a lot, like . . . a pine box.

He didn’t die in a pine box. He died on the couch with Beth, and he was more than a little sick of pine boxes. Dean didn’t even know there were pine boxes anymore or how the hell anyone would get ahold of one. But he knew who did it. There was only one person that would bury him and plan on trying to bring him back instead of burning him the way he told him to . . . Sam. 

Sam had found them somehow and buried them, which meant he needed to go find Sam and tell him that he wasn’t dead. Just like last time, Dean hammered against the roof until he felt it give and made fast work of reaching his hand up through the dirt until he felt the cold air hit his hands. He wasn’t too far from the surface. It was still a pain in the ass to get through, and he had to take in a massive breath of air when he finally reached the surface after holding it through all of the dirt. Breathing burned like razor wire cutting through his chest. That didn’t happen the last time . . . maybe it was the cold air? 

Crawling over to the mound next to his, Dean started pawing through the dirt while he worked through the coughs that rippled through his body until he finally reached the lid. “You in there, Beth?” 

He heard her grumble, “Yeah, feeling a little like Grandpa Munster right now,” and at the sound of her voice, he felt relief wash over him, but he had to make sure it was really her, so he got to work punching down into the lid until it gave way. Looking down into the hole . . . it was really Beth. She looked good . . . healthy. Dean grinned just before another cough rocked his body. Her brow furrowed, and she broke through the rest of the box, so she could sit up and have a look at him. 

“He put me back just fine . . . you . . . you’re sick, and it is not wasting any time on getting worse,” Beth said while she got up to help him stand. 

“Wasn’t in the deal. He sent you back . . . good as new, so you could keep re . . . re-building your soul . . . He was just sending me back,” Dean said between coughs. He hardly ever got sick. If that’s the price he had to pay for having her back and knowing she’d be all right . . . at least until her soul was done . . . He was happy. His lungs might feel like they were being ripped out of his chest, but he was happy. And he wasn’t going to God for anything again . . . Death . . . now that guy knew how to keep a deal. 

When they got back to the house where they’d been staying, Sam wasn’t there. Their bags were gone . . . so were their phones. Their truck was still sitting outside though, so Dean urged Beth to drive. “But you’re –“ 

“I’m fine. We need to find Sam. Let him know we’re alive.” He started to climb up in the truck and needed a little help from her to do it. Didn’t matter. Finding Sam and letting him know . . . that’s the only thing he was thinking about now as he slumped against the door. “Don’t stop until we get there,” Dean said just before he passed out.


	23. Intense

Sam opened the door to be greeted by a muddy Dean being propped up by a muddy Beth. He looked at the kids standing behind them. They must’ve passed all the tests, or the kids wouldn’t have let them through. He’d just gotten back yesterday, but he’d already told them they were dead. The water dripping down Beth’s face showed she wasn’t possessed at least. 

Jenna held up a silver knife, and Ty held up an iron one . . . one of the kids held up a mirror, and another one pointed at their mouth before they gave the thumbs up that they didn’t have any fangs . . . or Beth didn’t . . . cuz the kids all pointed at her. She didn’t let them touch Dean, and from the look she was throwing Sam’s way, Dean was off limits to him too. “Told you not to bury me, Sammy . . . You’re shit at knowin’ when someone’s dead,” Dean grumbled, like he was drunk, before he struggled to look up to Sam’s face. 

Dean looked like Death warmed over, but not by much . . . didn’t look all that different than when Sam had buried him. Pale, black rings under his eyes . . . “Well, are you going to just stand there? He’s fucking heavy, and the only thing keeping him from falling on his face right now is me . . . Can’t you see how sick he is? Open the damn door, Sam,” Beth demanded. 

Jody pushed past Sam and helped Beth by taking Dean’s other arm and putting it around her shoulder, so she could help bring him into the house and up the stairs to his room. “You guys did good . . . I, uh . . . I’ll see what’s going on . . . class is still canceled for today,” Sam said looking out at the kids before he shut the door and headed upstairs. He was in shock. He had been for the last week. 

He’d called the bunker in Kansas, and they’d told him where Michael was. He’d kept in touch with them to make sure Michael stayed put and was on his way there when they said Michael disappeared off the screen. They couldn’t find him anywhere, and Sam didn’t have anything else to go on, so he’d kept going towards the place where they’d been staying to see if he could find any clues on where they might’ve gone. 

He’d tried calling Beth the whole way there and hadn’t gotten any answer, so he’d thought maybe Michael took off with Dean, and Beth was trying to find them. Then he got there and saw their truck and thought that maybe Michael took off with Beth and Dean. The last thing he’d expected walking into that house was to find Dean holding Beth on the couch and for both of them to be dead . . . Beth had a slash across her side, but that shouldn’t have killed her, other than that . . . there was nothing to indicate why they’d both died. There wasn’t a scratch on Dean except a knot on the back of his head, so Sam she must’ve died first for some reason, and then Dean had. 

They’d been dead for at least a day or two. Sam still hadn’t gotten over the shock of that . . . realizing that Dean was dead and there was nothing he could do . . . no CPR . . . nothing. He’d gone back out to the truck to try and distance himself from it . . . to understand it or process it maybe, and found himself alone with their daughter looking at him. It was then that he’d broken down. He was all she had in the world. It felt like so much more responsibility than he’d already thought he had for her. 

When he’d finally gotten himself together, he’d had to go find some coffins in the nearest town, so he could bury them. He almost thought about burying them together, but side by side seemed acceptable. He wanted Dean to have his own grave. Something that was his own and said he’d been there as his own person. 

He’d broken down again when he got Dean’s things from the place where they were staying. He’d searched it top to bottom looking for clues and to make sure he didn’t miss anything. It was little things, like Dean’s razor and toothbrush . . . things that showed that Dean had been living there and just wasn’t anymore. 

When Dean went to Hell . . . Sam knew it was coming. He’d tried everything he could to stop it, but he’d known deep down that there was no way out for Dean. This time . . . it’d completely caught him by surprise, and he still couldn’t get over it even though Dean was alive and lying in Beth’s bed a few feet from him. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy to see his brother. He was just having a hard time processing it when he hadn’t processed that his brother had died. 

Beth went past him in a hurry to go down stairs again, and sam grabbed her arm to stop her. “What’s going on?” 

“Short version . . . I died. Dean kicked Michael out and made sure he went with me. Death didn’t want him there and offered him a deal. If Dean could find me in 24 hours, he could bring me back and not have to worry about me dying with an incomplete soul again . . . Dean found me, and Death brought me back just fine. When Death brought Dean back, he brought him back ailments and all. He’s got pneumonia . . . I’m guessing he had it before he went in the water and the cold water made his immune system too weak to fight it off or being dead did . . . He started coughing up blood yesterday . . . I need to get some broad spectrum antibiotics and oxygen for him . . . maybe some anti-virals that probably won’t work and something that’s anti-fungal just in case . . . I don’t have the time to sit around waiting for cultures, so I’ll go with the antibiotics first and see if that helps . . . if I can find any that are in date . . . if we’re out, I need to go to the nearest hospital and find something . . . or back in time maybe. Yeah, that might be what I’ll do. He wouldn’t let me stop. He wanted you to know he wasn’t dead. See if you can get him washed up while I’m out.” Beth said the last part on her way down the stairs. Wasn’t really a short version. It was more like a Beth-short version, but it told Sam everything he needed to know for now. 

When Sam went in to sit next to Dean, he caught sight of Dean’s short labored breaths. His brother was really struggling to breathe. He put his hand on Dean’s head . . . fever was too high. “You look . . . like you’ve seen a ghost, Sammy . . . I know where they go now . . . after we get rid of ‘em . . . Death collects them,” Dean said between breaths and before he started coughing uncontrollably. Sam went to grab him something, but Dean already had a handkerchief he was using. Yeah, Beth was right. There was blood there. It was bad, but he was here now, and he wouldn’t let Dean die again. 

“You died? On purpose?” Sam finally asked. Dean glanced at him before he looked away. That was a yes. “What about your daughter? What about me?” Dean still didn’t look at him. That meant he’d thought about it and went with the dying option anyway. 

“Beth didn’t block you?” 

Dean quickly looked at Sam again before saying, “Couldn’t . . . I went into her soul . . . She tried to talk me out of it . . . I wouldn’t go,” and started coughing again. Dean intentionally made a trip to her soul, so he could die and end up nowhere with her? How was that even possible? “Don’t be mad . . . at Beth,” Dean added once he got his coughing under control. 

Sam sighed and shook his head before looking away from Dean. “I’m not mad at Beth. I’m mad at you.” When he glanced down at Dean again, Dean looked like he expected that, so Sam said, “Do you have any idea what it was like to walk in that house and find you like that? I had to go back out to the truck and sit with your daughter while I figured out a way to bury both her parents. And you did it on purpose? It didn’t have to end that way?” 

A glacy-eyed Dean gave him a goofy smile and said, “All worked out . . . I’m still here.” 

Dean thought it was funny, because Beth said that all the time. Sam rolled his eyes and huffed, “That’s not the point. You didn’t know it would. You were expecting to just what? Disappear with her? That is . . . It’s unhealthy. This attachment . . . It’s not good for you. And it’s getting worse. There is no way you should –“ 

Dean stopped him by putting his hand on Sam’s forearm and said, “I need you both . . . can’t live without both,” before he started coughing again. 

“That’s a bunch of crap, Dean. You lived just fine before you met her . . . You lived just fine in the future she saw without her . . . You are worth more than –“

“There’s living . . . and there’s living . . . Don’t want to go back to being empty . . . don’t want to only be a weapon . . . a soldier . . . want more than that now.” 

Sam’s shoulders slumped. “Kinda hard to have more than that when you make sure you die just because somebody else does, Dean.” 

Dean looked away from Sam before he said, “Done sacrificing for this job . . . living like that is . . . too big a sacrifice.” 

Sam watched his brother, and Dean was serious. “What about me? You say you need both of us . . . where do I fit into that . . . am I one of the sacri-“ 

Dean quickly looked at him and shook his head. “You have never been a sacrifice . . . You have always made me who I am . . . made me want to be better . . . made me keep fighting . . . I want to be your brother . . . I want to look out for you . . . I want you to be happy . . . I want more for you than I’ve ever been able to give you . . . you’re stronger . . . smarter . . . you’re a better person than me . . . I want you to see that.” 

“How do I make you want to keep fighting when you can give up the way you did?” 

“Didn’t give up . . . I fought to stay . . . fought to get her back . . . I had to save her . . . or die trying . . . I made her a promise . . . that I’d never leave her alone again . . . not even when she dies . . . I fought to keep that promise . . . I didn’t run away or give up.” 

Sam stood and began to pace. “Who makes that kind of a promise? Who asks for that kind of a promise?” 

Dean’s eyes followed Sam before he answered, “I do . . . When you’ve seen what’s on the other side –“ 

“Is this because of what Crowley did? You-“ 

Dean shook his head weakly and croaked, “No . . . I made that promise . . . couple years ago. She didn’t ask . . . I gave it.” 

Sam bit the corner of his cheek and said, “But you were going to leave her . . . before she had Rogue, so –“ 

Dean licked his bottom lip and nodded. “I know . . . but I came back . . . I always would’ve come back . . . same way she’ll always come back . . . no matter how many times she takes off . . . same way you and me always come back no matter how bad things get . . . or how long it’s been.”

Sam came back to sit next to Dean again and asked, “How did it happen?” Dean told him in between coughing fits. It was just a simple hunt gone wrong. Would it have turned out differently if Sam had been there? Maybe. Depended on who would’ve killed the first okami. The second one seemed to be targeting Beth, because she’d killed the first one. Three hunters spaced out the odds on which one it would’ve been, and they would’ve gotten the 7 stabs they needed faster, or maybe he would’ve made sure they didn’t go out on the ice in the first place. 

Beth had an excuse. She was an idiot. Dean wasn’t. He should’ve known better and got her to come back. Dean’s common sense went out the window when it came to what happened to her . . . or him now that he thought about it. 

“And you got rid of Michael?” 

Dean gave him a slight smile and said, “Yeah . . . guy was a third wheel . . . And God didn’t hold up his end of the bargain.” Yeah, Sam figured the bargain had something to do with making sure Beth didn’t die. This was a serious problem he was going to try one more time to get through to Dean on while he had Dean here and in a fairly honest mood with his fever. 

“I still think you and Beth need some time apart. The last time I saw you, you gave her a knot on her head and locked her in a freezer. Then you made a deal with God and said, ‘yes’ to Michael. Then you died trying to save her or be with her nowhere . . . it’s not good for you . . . or her . . . that kind of pressure on her all the time . . . it’s too much.” 

Dean watched him before he said, “Always been that way with her . . . just a little worse past couple of weeks, cuz of the soul thing, but that’s fixed . . . I got Death’s word on it.” 

Sam’s shoulders slumped again. Maybe Dean had always been overbearing with her even before this Crowley thing. He did force her to make her start reliving her memories of Heaven and threaten to take part of her soul to keep her away from him . . . Maybe Sam just hadn’t seen it, because it hadn’t really effected Dean the way it was now. How many things happened while Sam was away from them for that year . . . or times when he was around and didn’t notice because he was preoccupied with himself? 

Dean was still watching him and said, “You’d know all about it . . . wouldn’t you, Sam? Done the same things to you your whole life . . . same thing applies . . . it’s not up for debate.” 

Sam hadn’t thought of it like that. He guessed that was true in a way. Dean always did do anything he had to do to keep him safe no matter what the cost to Dean was . . . Dean sold his soul and went to Hell for him . . . His brother was pretty intense, but he was his brother. Dean’s all he’d ever known. And that meant he knew when Dean said it wasn’t up for debate . . . it wasn’t up for debate. “Are we looking at any problems because of Michael?” 

Dean tried to sigh and ended up coughing before he said, “Might be. Said he and I weren’t finished . . . Have to say ‘yes’ to take him back though, and I ain’t doin’ that . . . didn’t follow the rules . . . might be a problem for Gabriel too . . . He knows Gabriel is Beth’s Dad . . . don’t know what he’ll do about it . . . Beth said she’d destroy Heaven’s Host . . . except for Cas if he even thinks about killing Gabriel.” 

Sam exhaled a laugh. “She’s gonna take out all the angels that are left?” 

Dean looked like it was obviously the right thing to do and nodded. “He’s her Dad . . . means a lot to her. I’d do the same for our Dad.” Gabriel was more fun than their Dad had been though. He let her be a kid and have a good time, and if he was anything like the way he was as a grandfather . . . no wonder Beth acted like a spoiled brat sometimes. 

“I told him if he touched Beth or tried to go back and keep her from being born . . . I’d destroy God . . . so there’s that,” Dean added after another coughing fit, which did make Sam laugh. Leave it to his brother to threaten to destroy God . . . maybe Dean and Beth were a lot alike on some things if between the two of them they’d threatened to wipe out God and all the angels . . . He was still going to keep an eye on them for now though. Not Beth so much, because she hadn’t gotten any more intense with her feelings for Dean, but he was definitely going to watch Dean to make sure something like this didn’t happen again. Now that he was on the outside looking in on a relationship his brother had with somebody else . . . it kind of shed a light on how unhealthily his brother could get attached to someone, and it just wasn’t good for Dean, or he didn’t think so at least.


	24. Lecture

I looked at the kids in my class. Their exams started on Monday. Christmas was next Saturday. They were ready for a lot of it, but not some of it. My Chemistry classes would do the best. Then my Biology and Earth Science classes . . . Then my Physics classes, but even those classes wouldn’t be too bad, or I hadn’t thought they would be. Now I wasn’t so sure. 

None of the kids in front of me were thinking about revisions, or at least they were being highly uncooperative in the answering my questions department. None of them had done their homework, which was a first. I wasn’t sure if it was because Kevin had given the assignment or if it was because of something else. It seemed like more of a silent protest. 

I moved around to sit on my desk and said, “All right. Let’s have it. Science is off the curriculum for today . . . one time offer of answering anything you guys want to know . . . and then I’m handing out assignments and expect them to be done for tomorrow on top of what was due today.” 

One of the kids said, “We don’t have class tomorrow.” 

“I know. I’ll be coming by your cabins to collect it and to have one-on-one tutoring if you need it on anything from the assignment. If you don’t do the homework . . . no hunter training until I say you can.” 

Another kid started to say, “You can’t-“ 

I arched an eyebrow and said, “Can’t I?” 

He looked away from me and glanced at the girl next to him when she asked, “Did you really die?” 

_Is that what this is about?_ “Yeah, I did. First time that’s happened.” 

“So, Sam didn’t bury you and Dean alive?” 

I shook my head. “No . . . We were dead. Sam found us and decided to bury us instead of burn us.” I was guessing he did that, so he could do something bad to try and bring us back, but I wasn’t going to say that to them. 

“How’d you die?” and other kid asked. 

“I drowned . . . fell through the ice after an okami Dean and I were hunting smashed the ice out from under me and pulled me under . . . Dean brought me back, but I couldn’t hold on that time.” 

“Why not?” 

_Weird question._ “If I had to guess . . . multi-system organ failure.” Pretty much why Dean couldn’t do anything for me. 

“Yeah, but nothing’s supposed to happen to you,” another kid said. 

“Not sure why not. I’m no different than anyone else.” 

Another kid said, “Yes, you are . . . so is Dean. Something like that is not supposed to happen to you on a hunt for something as pathetic as an okami. You just came back from fighting a war in Heaven . . . getting rid of Crowley . . . and Sam said you fought a ton of demons to free Michael last week. This shouldn’t have happened.” 

_Are they disappointed in me for dying?_ That’s what it felt like . . . a lecture on not dying. “What can I say? Hunting is dangerous . . . even with normal monsters. Sometimes staying alive is about the friends you have that are more powerful than you or the people in your family that won’t stop fighting for you, but in the end . . . sometimes that’s not even enough,” I finally said with a sigh when I saw they were dead set on seeing this out. 

“You should be more careful . . . I mean . . . what about us? Who’s gonna make sure we’re safe if you die and Dean goes with you?” Well, I didn’t want Dean to die with me. I didn’t want that at all. 

“I’ll try to keep that from happening to him the next time. I couldn’t block him from dying when –“

One of the other kids cut me off. “That’s not what she meant. We all know you don’t want what happens to you to happen to Dean. She meant she doesn’t want you to do risky things anymore . . . even we know you shouldn’t go running across the ice when you have no idea if it’s safe enough to hold you . . . you have a responsibility to us.” 

_Would’ve been fine if Dean hadn’t shot out the damn ice in the first place._ “But I don’t see the things I do as being risky. I see them as solutions to a problem, and its saved me as many times as its caused me problems. In fact, I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t done something risky and to cheat Death, so Dean could find me and bring me back after we died . . . And it’s why we’re teaching you everything we know. We know we won’t be around forever, so you guys need to be able to take care of yourselves when we’re gone.” 

One of the quieter kids at the front said, “That’s selfish. You’re selfish . . . We don’t have anybody else anymore. You and Dean are it. We don’t want to lose you too, but you don’t care. You keep going out there . . . Let someone else do it.” 

“And let someone else die in my place? I won’t do that . . . ever. I want to make this world better for you. This is the only way I can –“ 

Another kid interrupted me. “If you want the world to be better for us . . . We need you in it. It’s better when you’re here.” 

I sighed and said, “What about the other people we haven’t found yet? Are we supposed to give up on them? Or are they not important too?” 

One of the girls in the back said, “The last time you supposedly saved anyone was months ago . . . when you didn’t remember any of us . . . Where are all these people out there that need to be saved?” 

_Good question. I wish I knew._ “The other hunters are finding them and dropping them off in either Wisconsin or Kansas . . . And by killing the things that could kill the survivors we haven’t found yet, we’re buying people time until we can find them, but you’re right . . . we need to do more to find whoever is out there. A lot of things have kept us from being able to look for them lately. I think you know what those are, because you’ve guys already said them. Now we have to find where Crowley hid the Death tablet, and then the plan is to hit up Madison for survivors and Wisconsin will be done. There are 10 provinces in Canada and 50 states in the US. We’ve cleared one and a half states, and who knows how many people have moved back into the places where we’ve already looked? We’ll finish off the places we haven’t been in Minnesota and that’ll be 2 states down. Then where do we go next, Chicago and the rest of Illinois or North and South Dakota? While we’re doing that, we have to get rid of every monster we find along the way and Eve, the Alpha vamp, the witches in New Orleans, and the Leviathan, not necessarily in that order. We have more to do . . . And I get it. I do. Dean and I mean a lot to you, but what kind of an example would we be setting for you if we didn’t keep fighting . . . If we ran away from all of our battles, I think that would be letting you down more. It’d be showing you that it’s okay to give up, and it’s not. You have to fight to survive. You have to fight for there to be more good in the world . . . and the only reason we . . . or I at least got good enough to be able to save you guys in the first place, is because I kept fighting . . . going into battles I didn’t think I’d survive and coming out the other side of them better. I didn’t know how things would turn out in Las Vegas. That could’ve been it for Dean and me, but we didn’t run away. We went into it and fought to do the right thing, and you needed us to do that . . . You still need us to do that, and if you thought we were putting the hunt above you . . . we’re not . . . It’s why we keep coming back to Bobby’s and staying here for long periods of time . . . and I’m sorry I died if it upset you, and I’m sorry Dean died with me, but I’m not sorry for dying while I was trying to kill two okami that were feeding on what would have been two survivors in southern Michigan.”

“They really killed two people?” one of the kids in the middle asked. 

I nodded. “Man and woman in their late 20s or early 30s . . . from what we could tell. There wasn’t a whole lot of them left. We found their remains while we were tracking the okami. A couple days before that, we took out a pack of werewolves. There were at least 12 of them. They weren’t starving, and I don’t know how many of those 12 would’ve been survivors if they hadn’t been turned to grow their pack. They would’ve kept eating or turning more humans that are out there if Dean and I hadn’t gotten rid of them.” 

The kids all started glancing at one another before one of them asked, “So there are more humans out there? We’re not all that’s left?” 

Ah, that’s what this was as much as it was that Dean and I died. They thought we were going out there on pointless hunts and dying when there was nobody left out there to save. They thought they were all that was left, and that was pretty sad.

“No, you’re not all that’s left. We don’t have access to a human tracking computer, so we don’t know where the other people are . . . And you don’t see the other people that are being found, because we want to keep you safe from anyone we don’t trust. That’s why we have the other hunters drop those survivors off at the other camps . . . mostly they get sent to Kansas unless they seem harmless enough to go and work in Wisconsin. The kids Dean and Sam found in New York . . . There were about 20 of them . . . There’s a reason we didn’t bring them back here.” 

One of the girls to the left of the class asked, “What’d they do?” 

I glanced at her before I crossed my arms and looked down at the floor. “What if I said they were working with the changelings . . . living with them . . . thought of the changeling mothers as their new mothers . . . and they were tricking other kids they found into coming back to the changeling lair, so the changeling mothers could feed on them, and the changeling mothers killed all those kids they brought back . . . and we’re not talking about a couple . . . Their bodies were piled to the ceiling in every part of the city Sam and Dean found them.” 

Another kid said, “They didn’t really do that did they?” 

“Yeah, they did . . . a lot of them attacked Dean and Sam when they killed the changelings. We refused to bring them back here. There’s no way we’d ever let kids that would sell you out in a heartbeat anywhere near you.” 

They all looked at each other, probably thinking about how they couldn’t imagine pushing the kids they were protecting in Las Vegas onto the trucks to save their own asses until the next shipment went out, so I said, “The world changed in more ways than one after the virus was released. Other people that are still out there have been in the wild for too long. Being without society has changed them . . . They throw other people under the bus to save themselves all the time now, but you guys all changed to put other people first . . . You look after the younger kids, like they’re your family. You fight for them and each other. You’re special. We know that. Not everyone that’s been through what you’ve been through could become what you have. For instance, I know there are kids from Las Vegas or kids that we originally picked up on our supply runs that aren’t here. There’s a reason for that. There is a fire in you that the other kids didn’t have . . . their fire was put out by what happened to them, and that’s okay . . . it’s the reason there are those of us that do the fighting for them.”

One of the kids said, “That’s why you think we can become hunters some day? You think we have what it takes to do what you and Dean do . . . the others didn’t?” 

I bit my lower lip in thought. I had to answer this the right way or Sam was going to kill me, and I’d get another one of these lectures on dying. “We want the same thing for our daughter that we want for you.” I paused because I hadn’t answered what he’d asked, but they were listening, so I continued. “We want you to have more than we ever did . . . to have a life that will make you as happy as it can despite what you’ve been through. We want you to have an opportunity to do whatever you want, whether it’s be a chemist or physicist or microbiologist or veterinarian or doctor, or if Sam had his way, an art history major, a historian, or an English teacher . . . If you choose that path, you’ll be able to defend yourselves and defend each other, because you’ll also have hunting skills, and if you want to hunt all the time the way Dean and I do . . . that’s okay . . . I think we’d honestly prefer it if you didn’t, and that’s why we’re rushing around trying to kill everything before you get old enough to start going out on your own hunts, but if it’s what you want . . . we won’t stop you. Everyone here is good enough to be a hunter, and I don’t mean good enough because you can shoot or throw a knife . . . I mean good . . . as in you haven’t let what happened to you corrupt you . . . You’re good people, and you haven’t given up. You don’t just want to survive . . . You understand the importance of fighting to make sure the person sitting next to you survives too. That’s what makes a good hunter.”

One of the kids that hadn’t said anything yet said, “And Dean’s sick?” I took a deep breath and nodded. He was really sick. I was trying to do what I could for him, but he wasn’t getting better as fast as I wanted. If anything, he was getting worse. 

“But you’ll fix it, right?” My shoulders slumped a little. Even after the talk we’d just had, they still expected us to be their invincible heroes. Heroes that could work miracles and do things like come back from the dead and heroes that had the answers to everything. They still believed in us. They’d just gotten their first taste of what it was like to lose one of us . . . the same way Adam did after Jo shot me. 

“Yeah . . . I’ll fix it,” I responded, because I guess it’s what they needed to hear. One of the kids asked why I wasn’t with Dean, and I turned around to start writing their assignment on the board while I said, “Sam kicked me out. He said I needed to give Dean some space and take care of myself. He said I look as bad as Dean, because I haven’t been sleeping or eating or something . . . and I need to make sure you guys are ready for these exams . . . I’m not losing to Sam.” 

One of the kids asked, “Lose what?” 

_Shit. They’re not supposed to know about that._ Sam and I didn’t want them to intentionally tank their exams in some classes to make their favorite teacher win. “Uh, which one of us can come up with the best Christmas party idea . . . If he’s busy with Dean, it gives me a chance to start thinking of what we should do. I’m trying to figure out a way to incorporate Hanukkah, because Rufus is Jewish, and I know some of you kids are too, and some kids asked Sam about Kwanzaa in one of his history classes, so I need to figure out how to incorporate that, and a couple of kids were raised wiccan . . . The Winter Solstice is important for -” 

One of the kids cut me off. “We haven’t had a holiday like those in years now. We’ll be happy with whatever you guys come up with if that makes it any easier.” 

I smiled at my successful misdirection and then turned to look at them before I said, “I don’t know. Finding a way to party from the Winter Soltice through the first of the year seems like the way to go. It’s been a bad year. Think we could use it. Of course you still have to do exams, but if you do your damn homework, they shouldn’t be a problem.” 

I dismissed them from class after that, but instead of them just filing out to go to one of Sam’s classes that Chuck was teaching while Sam was busy with Dean, one of the girls came up and gave me a hug. When the others saw her do it, they all started to do it one-by-one before they headed out. I wondered if that was the first time they’d gotten a hug from a parental figure since their own parents had died, and it made me feel sad and somewhat overwhelmed by the fact that, yeah . . . they were right. Maybe we weren’t doing as right by them as we thought . . . maybe we weren’t giving them everything they needed, because maybe they needed to be shown how important they were to us more often than we showed it. 

Jody did a good job with them . . . so did the other hunters when they came in for a couple of days, but these kids needed more than that. They wanted it to come from us. Maybe Dean was right. Maybe we could think about retiring and staying around here full time after we finished taking care of what needed to be taken care of out in the world. 

When I got to my next class, I asked for their assignments, and all I got was a blank stare. None of them had done it either. I thought it was going to be a long day, and it was. I had to have the same conversation class after class. Heading towards hunter training at the end of the day, I hoped that the kids in my classes had disseminated what I’d told them to the rest. I didn’t feel like having to go through it all again with all the other kids too. I saw Sam walking up to me and waited to see what he wanted. “I’ll take it from here. He won’t stop asking for you.” 

Without questioning it, I started to head towards the house. That’s where I’d wanted to be since this morning anyway. Yeah, I wanted to see the kids, and I’d needed to have that talk with them, but Dean hadn’t been far from my thoughts. 

When I got to the room and saw him lying in there in a black t-shirt and boxers with bags under his eyes and oxygen and an IV drip still hooked up to him, I relaxed some. It was like a weight had been lifted just seeing him again even if he looked really sick. Death told him when he went back to hunting spirits, they’d end up in his lock up, and Death wanted Dean to destroy that tablet, so Death wasn’t planning on taking him any time soon . . . If it’d been anyone else, I’d say they probably wouldn’t make it.

I checked my watch while I went to go sit next to him on the bed. Sam should’ve given him his next round of drugs. It’d been a couple of days. The antibiotics weren’t working . . . that meant it was maybe viral or fungal, but I wasn’t going to stop the antibiotics as a precaution. Just because it might be one of the others didn’t mean that a bacteria couldn’t decide to take up residence in his lungs and make things worse. Maybe I should start him on one of the medications for the fungal infection. Who knew if – 

Dean grabbed my hand and struggled to say, “I’ll be okay . . . stop worryin’ about it,” before he started coughing. At least he was coughing, so it cleared stuff out of there, but I needed to get him some more medication to loosen up his chest more. He was still coughing up blood. 

He tugged on my hand weakly and indicated for me to lay down with him, so I did and put my head on his shoulder. “Best I’ve felt all day,” he said with a brief smile before he let his head sink back down into the pillow. When I didn’t say anything and instead traced shapes with my finger across his chest, he said, “Too quiet . . . tell me about your day . . . the kids.” 

I took a deep breath, feeling a little guilty that I could when he couldn’t, and told him what happened. He didn’t say anything about what the kids had said. Instead he clung to the Christmas party idea I’d told them. “Christmas?” 

“Yeah, it’s next Saturday . . . 8 days.” 

He gasped for air a couple of times before saying, “Make it a good one . . . haven’t . . . had one in a few years.” 

I said I would and then added, “You know Rogue’s birthday is in 4 days.” 

He looked away from me and said, “Some year.” Yeah . . . it was worst first year of life she could’ve possibly had. It didn’t fit with any of the plans we’d had for her before she got here. 

“The next one will be better, and I was thinking. I know we have a lot to do, but once it’s done . . . maybe we could stay here . . . for good . . . go on the odd hunt, but mostly stay here.” 

I glanced up at him to see his response, and he smiled agains briefly. “You mean it?” 

“Yeah, you can teach mechanic stuff and keep helping out on my physics classes and chemistry . . . you can show them how to blow stuff up using household items, and I’ll explain the chemical reactions. If Sam is going to have Meg and Gabriel help with his history classes, you can help me with that . . . They all think you’re cool anyway.” 

He smiled again. “They’re not wrong.” He tried coughing after that, and just ended up not being able to breathe, so I had to help him sit up to help him get more air into his lungs. When he finally was able to catch his breath again, he said, “You look tired . . . you should sleep.” I went to shake my head, and he said, “Stay here, but sleep . . . can’t look after me . . . if you –“

He started coughing again, but I got it. I needed to take care of myself if I wanted to take care of him. The more I denied him, the more worked up he was going to get. That’s why he was coughing now, so I said I would. As soon as I said that, he settled back down, so I could lay with my head on his shoulder again. 

A few minutes later, I heard him say, “Maybe when you wake up . . . you can dress up like a nurse.” When I looked up at him, he was grinning. The meds Sam was supposed to give him were starting to kick in. 

“Yeah . . . all right. I’ll see what I can do . . . sexy nurse . . . or maybe a naughty Mrs. Claus -” 

“Sexy nurse tonight . . . naughty Mrs. Claus next week when I’m better.” It made me laugh. I’d look for something later when Sam kicked me out again. Might make Dean want to get better faster.


	25. Delirium

“Sam!” Sam jumped off the couch holding Rogue and ran upstairs with her. When he got to the top, Beth calmly explained why she wanted him. “I need you to help me get Dean in the shower.” 

That’s all she needed to say. He quickly handed Rogue off to her, so he could go over and feel Dean’s forehead, because Beth being calm meant she was panicking and had to shut down her emotions to deal with it. Dean was way too hot. The fever meds weren’t working at all. “I’m fine, Sam . . . was just tellin’ Beth that I love her . . . love everything about her . . . love you too, Sammy . . . tried to kill me, but you didn’t really try, right? You held back on it . . . for me, right Sammy?” 

Sam looked back at Beth. She and Rogue were staring at each other and trying to figure out what to do in the predicament they found themselves in at the moment. If he weren’t worried about Dean, he would’ve thought it was funny. It wasn’t Beth who was having a hard time with it. It was Rogue. She was was giving Beth a defiant look and finally shook her head before saying, “No . . . Hand.” 

‘Hand’ was a new one. Rogue still couldn’t say, ‘Sam,’ so if she knew ‘hand’, it was obviously something important enough to her for her to want to learn it . . . And did she just put together a sentence? It was missing a few words, but the intent was pretty clear. She didn’t want Beth to hold her. She wanted to hold Beth’s hand . . . Beth’s version of holding her. Rogue knew they had a special way of doing things and wanted to keep them that way. 

Beth looked to Sam for help, and Sam said, “Uh . . . maybe you should go put her in her bed for now.” Beth gave him a nod before she took Rogue to her room and came back to help him start unhooking Dean’s IV and oxygen, so Sam could lift him up. 

When Sam had Dean in his arms, Dean looked up at him with fever-induced tears in his eyes. “Say you didn’t mean it, Sam . . . you didn’t want to replace me . . . and make me the way you wanted . . . I tried. I tried when we were growin’ up . . . say you didn’t mean it . . . what you said at the Devil’s trap.” 

“I didn’t mean it Dean. You’re the best big brother I could’ve had. I wouldn’t change anything about you . . . Hey, remember that time we went to Wrigley field . . . Dad was on a hunt near Chicago, and you snuck us in . . . Cubs might’ve lost, but you said it was about the experience, and the Cubs losing made it more authentic . . . cuz they always lose.” Sam got him across the hall and into the bathroom where Beth had already started the shower and was trying to get it to lukewarm, so it wasn’t too cold. 

“Yeah . . . made sure you got a Chicago style hotdog . . . couldn’t get any beer . . . spent the rest of the day . . . lookin’ at records and comics,” Dean said calming down some. 

Stepping out of the way when the temperature was okay, Beth’s gaze flicked from Dean to Sam, and Sam gave her a nod to let her know he’d keep an eye on Dean while she figured out what to do as he stepped past. Dean was waiting for Sam to tell him why he asked about the baseball game, so just before the water hit, Sam said, “That was one of the best days of my life. You didn’t get to see it when we were in Heaven, but it was. I got to spend the day with my cool big brother going to a baseball game and hanging out in Chicago . . . not the part everyone goes to on Michigan avenue . . . the real Chicago . . . just you and me . . . together. I wouldn’t change that or trade it in for any other kind of life, Dean. I lost sight of it for a while, but I was wrong. I should’ve never said what I did or thought that the life we had needed to be better . . . couldn’t have been any better than what you gave me.” Rushing through the water as fast as possible, so he could maintain his hold of Dean when Dean bucked against the water, Sam used the wall to help him sit down. Dean was still struggling to get out from under the water, so Sam sat behind him and held onto him tighter to keep him from hurting himself. 

Beth told Sam she was going to use the time spell, so she could get some things in town to get the temperature down. “And don’t let him start shivering. It’ll raise his body temperature more.” 

Sam nodded to let her know he understood, and she rushed out the door just before Dean said, “I don’t wanna be in here, Sam.” 

Dean tried to sit up, so Sam held onto him tighter saying, “I know, Dean . . . just a little longer . . . we have to get your fever down. Beth is going to get something to make it better.” 

Dean looked up at him with glassy eyes and asked, “Sexy nurse outfit?” 

Sam grinned and shook his head. “Probably not tonight.” 

“Naughty Mrs. Claus?” 

That time Sam laughed before he said, “No . . . I don’t think so, Dean. She’s getting you some medicine.” 

That made Dean happy for some reason, and then Dean told him why. “I like it when she plays doctor.” 

Things were going from bad to worse, so Sam tried to put a stop to it. “I don’t wanna know what you and Beth get up to when I’m not around.” 

Dean looked away from him and stared at the wall while he mumbled, “Haven’t had the sexy nurse or Mrs. Claus yet . . . good with handcuffs . . . she uses ‘em . . . I use ‘em . . . always really good and -“ 

“Seriously, Dean, I don’t wanna know . . . But I’m not lettin’ you out from under here just because I don’t, so it won’t work if that’s why you’re saying it.” 

Dean looked back up at him with a dopey grin and started to say, “You should see what she does with a blindfold and some -“ 

Sam laughed again. “I’m begging you to stop. I’ve walked in on you with plenty of other women . . . twins once . . . you’ve scarred me enough as it is.” 

Dean looked away from him and slumped. “They were just practice . . . got lots of practice for the real thing . . . what was it like with Jess?” 

Sam felt Dean’s forehead, and it still felt way too hot, so he settled back against the wall and made sure Dean got hit with more of the water than he already was. “I’m not talking about Jess like that with you.” 

Dean pushed away from the water some and shook his head. “No . . . What was living a normal life with her like?” 

Sam relaxed some while he thought about it. “I looked forward to coming home to her every night after class . . . going with her to meet up with friends or have a drink at our local bar . . . I didn’t even mind shopping with her. Waiting for her to get out of the dressing room, didn’t feel like a waste of time, because it meant I could see what she was wearing to a party we had to go to before anyone else had the chance to see her in it. I didn’t mind carrying her bags. I liked going to a café afterwards just so we could talk. I made dinner with her at night . . . She gave me cooking lessons at first. We never did anything too complicated, but I liked it . . . There was a bread making course she wanted to do with me . . . I liked that too . . . I liked doing things with her . . . going on dates or going to the movies . . . It felt normal. It felt good to be normal and have to think about paying the rent with her or helping her study for a test . . . It felt like I was finally getting what I always wanted, but not quite . . . when I met her I lied when she asked about my family. I wanted to forget about hunting. By the time I knew she was the one, I couldn’t tell her the truth or let her know who I really was. Sometimes it felt like an act. I didn’t want to lose her if she found out the truth after all that time, and I thought it was safer if she didn’t know. I wanted to marry her . . . for us to get the jobs we wanted. To be successful and work together to build a home . . . have kids . . . but I wanted all that without ever letting her know who I really was . . . and I lost her anyway.”

“You would’ve told her.” 

“No, I wouldn’t have. I was too selfish. I would’ve built our life on a lie.” 

Dean shook his head. “No, you would’ve done the right thing before you got her down the aisle, Sammy.” Sam felt Dean’s head. It was still hot, but maybe not as hot. _I probably wouldn’t have even invited Dean to the wedding._

Sighing, Sam said, “I lied to her every time you, Mom or Dad came up . . . I would’ve kept doing it . . . the nights I woke up with those visions about what would happen to her . . . I never told her what happened in them even though she asked. I loved her, but not enough not to lie to her or to want what was best for her more than I wanted to be with her.” 

Dean rolled his head from side to side again. “I don’t always tell Beth everything at first, but I do eventually. You would have done it too. You just didn’t get enough time. My baby brother would’ve done the right thing eventually.” Then Dean started coughing, and Sam was worried he wasn’t going to stop, but finally he did. Sam felt Dean’s forehead again. _Still too hot._ He hoped Beth hurried up. 

Dean relaxed back under the water and said, “You can try again, Sam.” When his brother had a fever, it looked like he turned into a romantic. Where was this coming from? 

“Nah, not in the cards. I had one shot more than I deserved,” Sam answered, thinking that he needed to figure out a way to get Dean to stay in here, while he went to grab the oxygen. 

He stopped thinking about that when Dean said, “People are meant to go through life two by two.” _Did Dean just quote Our Town?_

“Yeah, well . . . that’s why I have you . . . keeps me from being lonesome.” 

Dean sighed a labored breath. “You’ll always have me, but you need more . . . You were a kid back then. You didn’t know any better. Now you do. You won’t get it wrong again.” 

_I did though._ “What about Ruby or Jo?” 

Dean looked out of the shower and muttered, “I don’t wanna talk about them . . . You didn’t love them.” 

Dean wouldn’t remember this, so Sam said, “What if I did?” 

Dean shook his head. “No, you didn’t. You wouldn’t have killed Jo if -.” 

“What if I did it so she couldn’t be used to make me say ‘yes’ in Detroit? Maybe I cared about her enough that I would have, and I didn’t want to jeopardize the plans I already had . . . with Ellen being dead . . . I had to fix that for her, and I thought she’d be better off never meeting me anyway.” 

“I was really hoping it was for her after I told you what happened to Beth when Lucifer had her in –“ 

“No, you didn’t. I still don’t know what Zachariah showed you in that dream . . . All you said was that Lucifer had her.” 

Dean looked up at him and said, “Really?” before he looked back at the wall. “Wasn’t a dream . . . Zachariah took me. Left Beth in the bed by herself. I was somewhere else . . . maybe a different timeline if there are more of me out there.” 

Sam hadn’t known that either. _Zachariah could’ve just taken Dean to Michael then and there. Why didn’t he?_

Relaxing back into the shower a little more, Dean finally decided to fill him in on what he’d seen when Lucifer had Beth. It wasn’t a good image . . . especially after what else had been done to her because of another archangel. “Wish I had a reason like that, but I don’t.”

Still looking at the wall, Dean said, “If he’d had Beth the way he had Jo . . . I wouldn’t have killed her before he even took her . . . as long as I was alive, I would’ve found her . . . deal with what he did to her after that . . . was just hoping you killed Jo . . . outta mercy . . . and you didn’t love Ruby. Can’t love a demon.” 

This was as honest as he was ever going to get Dean, so Sam said, “Yeah, then why’d I do what I did to you after she was dead?” 

Dean was silent for long enough that Sam thought the conversation was done. He felt Dean’s forehead. _Why won’t this fever go down?_

“I didn’t know what Beth was going to do . . . thought she was just leaving me until I saw Ruby drop and Beth standing on the other side of her . . . She let me know that was goodbye, and I understood why she’d said she wouldn’t be around anymore . . . I mean I knew she couldn’t be after that, but I still didn’t want that to be it . . . There’ve been a lot of times I never thought I was gonna see her again . . . That was one of ‘em, and then you went after her and brought her back. I got in the way . . . didn’t want to hurt you, but I wasn’t gonna just let you have her. Everything that happened after that . . . you did because you knew I loved her. You didn’t think I had room for both of you, but you were wrong. That’s why you don’t think you can find anybody else . . . think there won’t be room for me and them, but you’re wrong.” 

Sam rested his forehead on top of Dean’s head and tried to stop himself from tearing up. For better or worse, Dean understood. Maybe he always had, but Sam hadn’t been listening back then. He’d only seen and heard what he’d wanted to see and hear. “How many times is a lot of times?” he finally asked to keep the attention off of what he was feeling. 

Dean laughed before he started coughing again. “Too many to count. First time I met her . . . when she went out that window and was looking up at me from the ground . . . think I knew then I didn’t want that to be the last I saw of her.” 

“Then what happened?” Sam asked genuinely wanting to know, because he wouldn’t get a chance like this again. 

“I couldn’t exactly tell her I wasn’t going to hurt her by shouting at her through a busted window, so I went around to find her, but she disappeared. Thought maybe she was a witch, and then when I came back in I saw she came back in through the window . . . mostly made me feel like an idiot. Thought I needed help to find her, but then I made you hate her. I wasn’t planning on keeping her around for long . . . just wanted to see her again and get some answers . . . but I didn’t want you saying the things you were about her either . . . decided to go find her myself. And then I found her sleeping in the woods, and I still wanted answers, but I mostly didn’t want her out there on her own . . . like when we were little, and I stuck around to make sure the Thundercats girl was gonna be all right . . . I thought she was smart, but kind of clueless at the same time . . . She thought bears might eat her.” 

Sam laughed and Dean looked up at him to say emphatically, “She did . . . said to let her die on her own terms of hypothermia or to be eaten by bears, and I thought . . . she was crazy . . . she didn’t even know where she was if she thought bears were going to eat her in Illinois. I wanted to make sure she was all right . . . but after I brought her to the diner and saw how cut up she was and the bruises I gave her, I told her she should stay away from me and that I never should’ve gone after her . . . And you know what she said, Sammy?” 

Dean paused to look up at him, and Sam smiled and shook his head. “No, Dean . . . I have no idea what she said to you.” 

Dean looked back down at the wall across from him and mumbled, “She said that I had gone after her . . . couldn’t change it. Could only change what I did going forward, and . . . I knew she was talking about what I did in Hell . . . and then she said she wasn’t scared of me. Said I was just protecting myself after what she’d said to me, and that the worst thing I’d do to her was buy her cake.” 

Sam accidentally said, “Or knock her head into the wall,” and Dean slumped.

“We talked about that . . . I was more messed up than I thought . . . We think I might’ve been there . . . two places at once. It’s why her side of the connection couldn’t do anything about it, and I think it’s what made her have to find me when she was up there . . . I have to believe she felt me with her . . . tryin’ to make sure she didn’t feel alone . . . I needed to talk to her about it. I didn’t want her showing Cas or telling you. It’s between me and her . . . my wires got crossed . . . I did scare her. She called me a T-1000 Dean.” 

Sam felt bad for Dean right up until Dean started crying, because she’d called him a T-1000 Dean and then he laughed, and quickly cleared his throat to cover it. “So, what happened after she said the worst thing you’d do was buy her cake?” 

Dean started coughing and Sam forgot about what they’d been talking about. Dean’s fever was still way too high, and Beth wasn’t back yet, but Dean needed oxygen. Sam was about to go get it when Dean settled down a little and said, “She told me she’d stick around as long as I wanted, because she thought I’d need her help.” 

_So, that really did happen._ Talking about Beth back then seemed to calm his brother down, so Sam said, “And then what happened?” 

Dean relaxed back against him again. “I brought her back to the motel . . . and then I had to give her stitches after you left. Made me feel bad again for hurting her . . . told her she should go, and she said ‘okay,’ like it was no big deal . . . I wanted her to put up more of a fight than that, but she didn’t, so I found a reason to make her stay.” Sam asked him what it was, so Dean said, “I put my foot down and said she had to.” 

Sam laughed and asked him why. 

“She swiped my phone without me knowing . . . tried calling a few numbers . . . told me she’d be fine when she handed it back, so I checked to see where she was going. Recognized the area codes, and I was gonna leave it at that, but I wanted to know she’d be all right if I left her. She was saying all this stuff about angels and the last she knew it was 2015 . . . so I tried one of the numbers out . . . didn’t work. Neither did the next ones on her list. I asked her about it, and she said it didn’t matter . . . said she’d be fine. I asked her about fixing up her back . . . thought I could buy some time to change her mind, but she said she wasn’t worried about it . . . just wanted to finish writing out what I needed to know about angels and then she’d put a band aid on it and go . . . then I asked her what she’d do if Lilith found about her . . . She didn’t bat an eye . . . said that Lilith probably would find out about her, because you’d probably tell Ruby and Ruby worked for Lilith as a double agent. I didn’t know why Lilith would be in on a plot for her own death, so I had Beth explain it to me . . . she said Lucifer was Lilith’s God, and she was a true believer . . . made sense to me . . . look at how Meg was with Azazel . . . That’s when I told Beth she was staying and to turn around and tell me about her angels while I took care of her back.” 

Dean had been bossy with her, since day one. Sam grinned. “What’s the deal with her leaving a note?” 

“When I tried to kill Ruby and brought Beth to our cabin for the first time, she told me about Adam. I took off on her for about a week. When I went back, she wasn’t there, and I panicked . . . kicked in the door to her room. I don’t know why I didn’t just pick the lock. I wasn’t thinking straight. Didn’t think I had much time to find her before the trail went cold. She didn’t leave anything behind in her room that said where she might be going, so I headed into to town to start asking around about her . . . Found her walking along the road and brought her back. Had to come up with something to say when she saw her door, so I told her she didn’t leave a note. She’s left one or said she’d be back or told someone to tell me she’d be back ever since . . . except after Famine, but she didn’t think I was coming back after our fight.” 

“Wait, she was there on the Famine case?” 

“She was sniping from the rooftops across the street using some salt hallow points she made, so she could buy me time to get the demon-killing knife back.” 

Sam looked down at Dean. “Why didn’t I know she was there?” 

Dean coughed a couple of times before he could say anything. “I was keeping her away from you . . . didn’t know why you wanted those prophecies, but I knew what they were leading you to was Beth, and after Jo, I didn’t trust you around her. We were radio silent. Cas only told me she was there when we called him in on the cupid symbols . . . I didn’t see her until after the hunt was over. I was an idiot again. Got mad that she tried to use our connection to take away some of Famine’s bite when I got near him . . . stormed out. She was gone when I went back to try and make things right. Didn’t think I’d see her again after that either.” 

Sam sat back and said, “So, I was right . . . You staying quiet about Jo was about Beth.” 

“No, that’s why Beth wasn’t there . . . wasn’t why I didn’t say anything about Jo. I wanted you to be my brother. My brother wouldn’t have done it, or if he did, it would’ve been because he had no other choice. He would’ve told me and come looking for advice, because he felt bad about it.” 

“I did feel bad about it. It’s why I had to find the key to God’s throne.” 

Dean shook his head and said, “No, I still remember when my brother had to put that werewolf chick down. That was my brother having no other choice, because it was the right thing to do, but feeling bad about having to do it. That’s not what happened with Jo . . . seemed like you knew it wasn’t the right thing to do, and that’s why you didn’t tell me. You used it as an excuse to keep doing what you were doing more than anything.” 

_Completely forgot about Madison._ “See. Madison’s another one. It’s just not in the cards, Dean.” 

“No, you just need to find a woman that’s hard to kill . . . It’s what I had to do . . . and learn how to heal her and die with her so I could bring her back . . . I think Jess was the closest . . . except for the hard to kill part.” 

Dean said inappropriate things at the best of times, so Sam wasn’t going to fault him for saying that thing about Jess not being hard to kill when he had a fever. It was the meaning behind what Dean was saying that stood out to him. Dean thought Sam deserved to have something like again. Maybe that’s why Dean had turned into a romantic. In his fever-addled brain, he was trying to let Sam know he still believed in him even after everything he’d done wrong.

Sam sat there for a while thinking about it. He wondered if it was the other way around if he would feel the same way about it. If Dean had done the things Sam did, would Sam forgive him? It was too hard to imagine Dean doing any of the things he’d done. The only thing he could think of that would be similar was if Dean went outside now with a gun and started mowing kids in the yard down with a machine gun. 

Dean wouldn’t do that any more than Dean would’ve done what Sam had, but if that happened, with as much as those kids meant to Sam now . . . would he forgive Dean for that? Dean was his brother no matter what. He’d forgive him eventually. Sam felt like it was time for an actual apology in words. He hadn’t really done it yet. He’d given an explanation on how he felt using some characters in a book and had hinted at an apology, but he hadn’t felt he was worthy of giving an apology. How can you just say you’re sorry for doing something as bad as he did and expect anyone to believe you? It still needed to be said. 

“I’m sorry Dean . . . for listening to Ruby instead of you and for what I did to you and Beth after Beth killed her . . . and for Jo and Vegas . . . all of it, and while we’re on the subject. I’m sorry for what happened with Rachel.” 

Dean mumbled out, “Don’t worry about it . . . glad she’s dead . . . she was a bitch . . . I’d kill her again if I could.” 

“No, I mean I’m sorry I –“ 

Dean tried to pull away from him and grumbled, “I know what you meant . . . ‘s why I said don’t worry about it . . . I don’t care about what happened with Rachel . . . I wasn’t really with her . . . lot of women wouldn’t have happened if I was . . . Should be sorry about this water . . . it’s fucking freezing . . . you tryin’ to kill me again?” 

Sam felt Dean’s forehead, and it felt more like a mild fever now, which Dean proved by ducking away from Sam’s hand and saying, “Seriously . . . Get off me . . . What the hell are we doing in here . . . I wanna go back to bed.” 

Sam let Dean go and while Dean struggled to use the wall to get up, Sam looked away with a small grin and decided to mess with Dean now that Dean was more lucid. “Why? Looking forward to a sexy nurse routine . . . maybe some handcuffs?” 

Dean’s mouth was hung open in shock for a couple of seconds before his brow furrowed while he tried to think about how Sam knew that. He still looked confused, but covered it by quickly saying, “Don’t talk about her like that.” 

Sam tried not to grin, and failed at it horribly. “Or maybe its naughty Mrs. Claus. Is that –“ 

“Shut up, bitch.” 

Sam started to get up and couldn’t stop himself from laughing while he said, “Maybe you think she’ll have a blindfold –“ 

Sam stopped at the glare Dean gave him, but then Dean’s expression changed into a cocky smirk. “Why you wanna know, Sammy? You wanna know how it’s done right? Are you wearing one or is she, because -” 

Sam put one of Dean’s arms around his shoulder while he guided him back to his bed. “Couldn’t get you to shut up about it . . . Now I can just drop you if you don’t.” 

Patting him on the chest before Sam helped him get into bed, Dean said with mock bravado, “You ever want any pointers . . . let me know, cuz –“ 

“I’m good . . . thanks.” 

When Sam started hooking him up to the IV, Dean decided to keep pushing it. “Nah . . . you’re probably right. You wouldn’t be able to handle someone like Beth . . . you’re too boring to –“ He stopped abruptly, and Sam laughed when he heard Beth sigh behind them. 

Looking a little sheepish, Dean tried to defend himself. “What? I didn’t start it.” 

Coming into the room, Beth said, “Well, if he really wants to know, did you tell Sam about when we –“ 

Sam and Dean both cut her off with a “No!” 

Beth gave a wicked smile at their discomfort before coming over to put a shot of something in Dean’s IV. When she was done, she looked up at Sam and said, ” Oh yeah . . . by the way . . . new competition. I almost slipped up on the exams and had to cover for it by saying we were having a competition on who could come up with the best Christmas party idea. They get to judge on Thursday after their last exams, and we have to make it happen . . . and we should include Hanukkah and Kwanzaa and the Winter Solstice . . . think everyone else can just enjoy a bit of celebration even if they don’t normally celebrate anything this time of year . . . We’ll keep the party going through New Years.” 

_Christmas party?_ Sam hadn’t thought of that. Maybe having something like what they’d had for Thanksgiving with a big dinner was what he’d had in mind, but if it was a party . . . a big event, it might be fun. He wondered if he could beat her idea. 

Dean tried to keep Beth from putting the oxygen back on him, but she won out in the end, so he grumbled, “Go all out, Sammy . . . it’s the only way you’ll beat her. If you need any pointers, just come to me.” Could be kind of fun if he and Dean came up with something together.


	26. Time Loop

Dean sat on the desk at the front of the class between Sam and Beth. The kids were coming in and casting their ballots in Beth’s class after her last test of the day. Sam’s last test was a few hours ago, so he’d taken Rogue off Dean’s hands, and Dean came out here around noon, so he could have something to do. 

At first Dean had thought that watching the kids take tests and grading the tests from Beth’s other classes wasn’t really his thing . . . She gave him a key, so he knew the answers, but it was boring, and he hadn’t wanted to mark anything wrong. He felt bad doing it, because the kids had all worked hard to study for these, but then he realized none of them were actually failing. Most of them were getting Bs or As . . . the odd C . . . There was one kid that should’ve gotten a D. 

The boy had obviously studied more on the Earth Science stuff, because his answers had been really long on the Earth Science questions, like he was trying to make up for what he didn’t know about the Biology questions by showing he knew more about the other stuff . . . wasn’t the kid’s fault Beth made most of the test about Biology because she liked it more, so Dean bumped it up to a C for the kid when Beth wasn’t looking . . . C seemed all right . . . He would’ve been happy with a C, and the kid did know half the stuff, just not the half that Beth asked about. A ‘C’ was like 50/50. The kid deserved that much. 

Dean decided then that maybe he should take over grading everything . . . make sure Beth didn’t fail any of them . . . same with Sam. The last thing these kids needed was an ‘F’ before Christmas. By the end of the day, Dean started thinking that he wanted to see how they’d done in her physics class that he’d taken to that bar . . . had to get through a few more of her other classes first . . . Maybe being on this side of a classroom wasn’t so bad . . . wouldn’t mind helping her when she started doing cool stuff in here again. 

Sam hadn’t wanted him to come outside, so every time Dean coughed, Sam threw a worried look his way that morphed into a bitch face when Dean refused to go back into the house. Dean had thrown on one of his heavier hooded sweatshirts, and it was warm in here. He was fine, or he would be. He was sick of being in the house . . . He’d only been able to come downstairs for the first time yesterday, so he could help his daughter celebrate her birthday . . . hadn’t been too bad. 

She got a cake that Beth made her and a couple of things that Beth and Sam had gone out to get as presents. Dean had really liked the thing Beth had gotten him to give to Rogue at first, but now he wasn’t so sure about it. It was this little plastic drum that had a few maracas with it. It looked like he might have found a drummer for his and Beth’s band . . . maybe. Rogue mostly stuck to the maracas, but she had good rhythm. Also might be why he’d had to get out of the house for a while. He and Rogue had spent all morning putting on records, so she could play along with them, and now that’s all she wanted to do. She was playing with them right now, while Sam was holding her. 

She was here to get Sam the baby vote. It was Dean’s job to be here and get Sam the sympathy vote. Dean knew Sam had told the kids that he and Sam come up with the idea for Sam’s Christmas party together. Beth’s idea was unreal. Dean was kind of looking forward to seeing her pull it off. Sam didn’t know what it was, and Sam didn’t need to know. Would’ve made him give up, and Sam needed the win on this. 

Sam’d had a rough time of it lately with having to take care of everyone. Wasn’t supposed to be Sam’s job. It was supposed to be his. Sam needed to feel like he was making a difference here, a reward for everything he’d done . . . something that could confirm he was doing a good job with the kids . . . something like having the kids vote for him.

When the last kid left, Beth replaced the maracas with a stuffed Eeyore from Sam’s pocket. Should’ve thought of that sooner. Dean layed down on the desk to put his head in Beth’s lap and fell asleep now that he could. Maybe he still didn’t feel great . . . He was enjoying having her take care of him way too much . . . more than he would if he was feeling all right. Or at least that’s what he was blaming it on because he never used to like having her take care of him . . . didn’t want anyone to have to take care of him, but he was liking it now. 

He woke up when he heard Sam laugh out, “I won . . . I kicked your ass, Beth.” Dean looked at the ballots Sam had separated out, and if that was true, she’d only gotten a handful of votes. 

Beth shook her head and sighed. “Well, there’s no accounting for good taste. Hope you didn’t make it too impossible for yourself, because now you have to pull it off . . . if it’s as big as what I was planning you’d better get started on it. Might take a few days.” 

Sam scrambled to pick Rogue and her toys up before he looked down at Dean and said, “You’re not helping . . . You’re going back to the house and getting some rest,” and headed out the door. Yeah, that wasn’t happening. It was a two-man job. Maybe three, cuz they’d need Beth’s help on it too. 

Sitting up to look at Beth, Dean asked, “What’d you do? Switch up your pitches or tell them to vote for him?” 

She looked confused and said, “He won fair and square.” 

Nah, Dean wasn’t buying that. There’s no way his and Sam’s idea should’ve beaten hers by that much. “You do it for me or him?” 

She looked away from him and started getting her papers together. She threw it somehow. Wasn’t fair to Sam if it was a set up. Dean put his hand on her arm to get her to look at him, so she turned and said, “Both . . . It was for both of you . . . You have no idea how good it was to see the two of you sneaking around having secret meetings . . . Sam scoping out the best place to put things and going back to fill you in on it. You did it together, and I thought it was important for the two of you to get the Christmas you wanted. You never got enough of those when you were growing up. You always had to make do with what you had, which is fine . . . it’s great in its own way, because you not getting everything you wanted meant you had to appreciate each other more and appreciate what you did have, but I wanted –“ 

He pulled her to him, so he could wrap his arms around her waist and said, “You wanted us to have something for us?” 

“Well, yeah . . . plus, there is no way Sam is going to win on this exam thing. In case you haven’t noticed, I tend to go for a tie most of the time.” 

Dean grinned. “Yeah? I watched you play him in Monopoly last night. Didn’t look like you were going for a tie there.” 

She looked down and said, “Can’t tie at Monopoly,” before she looked up at him with a small smile and added, “Might’ve been the best game of it I’ve ever played.” It had been pretty intense for a board game. It was like the Wild West with no rules. It was a good thing both of them had checked their guns at the door. 

“You’re only saying that because you won.” 

“Yeah, and out cheated an equally prolific cheater.” Never really had a chance to play many games with Sam. He kind of wanted to see how the three of them did on Risk. Dean thought he was in with a shot on that, especially if the rule was that everyone could cheat. Last night, it seemed to make Monopoly a hell of a lot harder than he ever remembered it being.

Dean asked if she was going to help him and Sam with the set up, and she shook her head. “No . . . this is for the two of you to pull off . . . to be legends for something other than hunting . . . and I don’t –“ 

He finished her sentence for her with, “want to ruin the surprise.” 

She smiled again, because he’d gotten right . . . didn’t really even have to read her mind much anymore to know what she was thinking. He wished he could stay here like this with her for longer, but Sam needed him, so Dean got up and asked her what she was doing for dinner. 

“Uh . . . same thing I always do.” 

That meant helping feed the kids and eating whatever was left over after it was split with the other grown-ups around here. Dean wanted to try something. He remembered more from when he was in the shower with Sam than Sam thought . . . maybe not when he told Sam about his and Beth’s sex life or some of the other things he’d blacked out, but he remembered enough. “I’ll bring something back . . . Don’t eat . . . We’ll make something later.” She gave him an unsure nod, and he smiled before heading out the door to go find Sam before Sam left him.

Hopping into the back of the truck, Sam said, “No, you’re not coming, Dean,” before he started laying out the stuff to do the time spell, so he could bring the whole truck with him the way they had for Thanksgiving. 

“It was our idea. I’m coming,” Dean argued before starting to climb up. 

Sam watched Dean struggle to make it beside him and shook his head. “Look at you. You can barely stand.” 

“I’m here, aren’t I?” Dean answered breathlessly. When Sam didn’t do anything other than give him a bitch face, Dean tried a different tactic. “Come on . . . I need this. I haven’t exactly been Father of the Year.” 

Sam relaxed a little and then sighed. “You’re a good Dad, Dean. I was there when you walked the floor with her every night, and now that you’re back to work, you’re doing the best you can . . . and that’s why I’m here –“ 

Dean took a deep breath and wished he hadn’t as it made him cough and stopped him from being able to say what he wanted. When Sam stood up from the spell ingredients to help, Dean shrugged him off and said, “Not the same, Sammy . . . We both know it . . . I need to do better.” 

“She won’t even remember this, Dean. You’ll do-“ 

“But I will . . . and it’s not just her . . . I dropped the ball with the other kids too.” 

It was maybe half the reason he wanted in on this . . . the other half was because of what Beth had said. Dean wanted him and Sam to have a good Christmas for once. Not one where they were celebrating because they thought it was gonna be his last one before he went to Hell and not one where he had to make up for the fact their Dad wasn’t there . . . Their Christmases had turned out the best they could for a couple of kids making it on their own, but since they’d grown up . . . he’d spent too many Christmases on his own when Sam was away at college, and he and Sam had skipped over them most years when they were hunting . . . Beth gave Dean a couple of good Christmases, but Sam hadn’t been there, and they hadn’t been able to do it the right way since Sam came back. Last year Dean had spent the whole of Christmas panicking over taking care of his daughter and was fucked up because he had no idea where Beth was. He just died again and thought he was going to lose everything this time. He needed this. 

“They’re not your kids, Dean.” Sam would cave. Soon. Then no more bitch face for the rest of Christmas hopefully. Dean crouched down to start getting the spell ready. He’d let Sam come to it on his own. Apparently, Dean and Beth were all those kids thought they had, and he hadn’t thought about them once on this last hunt. Hadn’t thought about what him dying would do to them. Still wouldn’t change what he did, or he wouldn’t have gotten Beth back, but he needed to make it up to them. “Okay . . . on one condition, and it’s non-negotiable,” Sam started. Non-negotiable . . . Dean hated that one. Meant Sam wouldn’t back down on it. 

“What’s that?” Dean asked looking up at him. 

“I’ll tell you when we get there.”

_Figures Sam would bring me here. Didn’t need to go to a damn hospital . . . isn’t even in the year we need to go to get all our crap on the cheap . . . just had to have ‘advanced medical care.’_ It was a hospital from maybe 6 months before the Croat virus. Dean wondered if Sam was thinking what he was . . . It was really tempting. What would happen if they had a word with Sam from a few years ago and told him not to do it? 

They weren’t supposed to mess with time, cuz everything had already happened, and it would screw with things . . . probably make them worse . . . might even make it so Fate or whatever decided to just go on a global killing spree and make something so bad happen that everyone got wiped out . . . still. It was tempting. 6 months before the Croat virus hit . . . It was March. What were he and Sam doing then? He’d already had that fight with Beth . . . wasn’t really a fight. More like he shouted at her and then took off and got upset, because he didn’t see her for 2 months. She and Adam were out there hunting right now . . . with Cas. Made him want to check up on them . . . see Adam again. Each minute they’d stayed here waiting for the lab results to come back made it harder and harder not to do that.

“You’re just visiting from out of town?” the doctor asked. 

Dean glanced at Sam and rolled his eyes at the face Sam gave him for not answering straight away. “Yeah, just passing through on our way to a family thing.” 

The doctor shook his head and looked through his charts. “You shouldn’t be passing through on your way anywhere. You should be on bed rest . . . You have a pretty severe case of pneumonia brought on from some fungal spores you inhaled. I’m surprised at the amount of scar tissue if this is the medication you’ve been on . . . There’s no sign of immunosuppression, so you should’ve responded better to it than you are.” 

_Consider me the 10% Beth said survive this when then their immune system is shot._ “I was immuno- whatever when this kicked off . . . just –“ Sam smacked him in the shoulder, and Dean turned to look at him. “What? I was . . . thought you wanted me to tell him everything, so he could fix this.” 

Sam looked over Dean’s head and said, “He just finished up chemotherapy . . . got the all-clear, and then this happened.” 

_Wasn’t gonna tell him that I was dead . . . Wasn’t gonna say I had cancer either. Was just gonna say my other doctor said I was immunosuppresed, but I couldn’t remember why she said I was, and then I was gonna pick one of the things this doctor guessed. Beats the hell out of chemotherapy._

“If you were on chemotherapy medication, you should have told me. I could prescribe this new medication we’ve got.” The doctor scribbled something down in his chart, like he’d already decided what he was going to do. _Sam screwed this up. The stuff Beth is giving me is working. Don’t wanna change it and go back to feeling like crap again._

“Nah . . . think I’ll stick with what I’m already on.” 

The doctor finally looked at him. “Your sure? It may not -” 

“I’m sure . . . It’s working. Only reason he brought me is cuz he doesn’t like my doctor. I like her just fine.” 

Sam jumped into the conversation again. “You said something about scarring. Is there anything we can do about that?” 

The doctor said some stuff about getting inhalers once the infection was gone. Dean wasn’t really paying attention. What he really wanted to do was tell this doctor to head to Sayner, Wisconsin in about 6 months. It was so tempting. He had to get out of here. 

As soon as they were out the door, Sam started in on him. “What the hell was that?” 

Dean glanced at Sam. “What the hell was what?” 

Sam pointed back towards the hospital and said, “He’s an actual doctor. The whole idea of seeing him was so you could get the treatment you needed.” 

Dean shrugged. “Already am . . . You heard him. The stuff I’m on is doin’ the job . . . only reason he wanted to change it was cuz you told him I had chemotherapy . . . Come on, let’s get out of here. It’s different going back in time when I know the outbreak won’t be for another 40 years.” 

Sam was walking with him one second and stopped dead in his tracks the next. “That’s why you were in such a hurry to get out of there?” 

“In the 70s, I usually think that at least they got another 40 years or that they were already long gone by the time the –“ 

“You know we could go and talk to me . . . I already know all the arguments I would’ve made. We can try to convince me not to let the Croat virus out.” 

Dean turned to look at Sam and said, “We can’t go messing with time, Sam. If we could, I’d go back in there and tell everyone where to go in 6 months, but I can’t. We might make things worse.” 

Sam took a step forward. “I’m not talking about killing me. If we did that, Lucifer might resurrect the old me and have me by tomorrow . . . but we could try talking.” 

Dean laughed and looked away from Sam. “Trust me, Sam . . . The you now wouldn’t listen to you. I’d rather go scope out one of Adam and Beth’s hunts . . . be good to see Adam again even if we can’t talk to him.” 

“What if we do both . . . We’ll find Beth and Adam and then we’ll go talk to me.” 

_But what if talking to the old Sam makes the old Sam worse, so the Sam now doesn’t happen?_ “We’ll check out one of Beth’s hunts, and we’ll see on the rest.” Dean answered before he went to find a car that wouldn’t be too bad to ride around in while they were here. He wasn’t driving a snow plow everywhere.

“I’m still surprised your Beth tracker works in a different time,” Sam said while they staked out the park. Dean wasn’t really listening. He was too busy watching his other brother walk up the path with Beth and Cas. Adam was saying something to Cas and laughed when Cas looked confused by it. He looked good . . . happy. “How does she not know you’re here?” 

Dean glanced at Sam and said, “She just started using it . . . takes practice. I was using mine all the time. I think she used it off and on but mostly concentrated on the hunts.” 

Sam looked back at the trio in the park and asked, “Do you know which one this is?” 

_Yeah. Out of all the ones we could pick._ “Yeah, think I have a pretty good idea. Come on.” Cas had just disappeared. That’s what they’d needed to have happen before they could get out.

Beth and Adam rounded a corner, and Dean and Sam made a break for the woods. Once they were there, they moved as fast as they could with his lungs and Sam’s leg, so they could get ahead of Adam and Beth. Maybe half a mile away, they finally saw the Rugaru up a tree. Beth and Adam weren’t in view yet, but the Rugaru definitely had eyes on the jogger coming the other way. It hadn’t noticed Sam and Dean, and it didn’t see Beth and Adam come around the corner . . . Beth spotted the Rugaru and quickly pushed Adam behind some trees before she gave him instructions, and then Dean had to pull Sam back to hide behind some trees when she ran past them through the woods. Looked like she was pulling her knife.

“What the hell did she just do?” Sam asked before he started to take off after her. 

_Awesome. More running._ Dean tried to keep up, but it was a lost cause, and he ended up barely getting there in time to see the jogger take off running the way she’d come and leave Beth bleeding and pleading for help. As soon as the woman was gone, Beth’s panicked expression dropped, and she turned to make eye contact with the Rugaru. It only had eyes for Beth now. She took off back towards where he and Sam were standing, and Dean had to drag Sam back again, so she wouldn’t see them. He didn’t know how she didn’t see them until he got a good look at how much blood she was losing and started to keep pace with her in the woods as she slowed down. Adam hadn’t been kidding. This one was pretty bad. 

Dean watched her pull the hairspray can out of her jacket while she stumbled forward and reached for her zippo just before she landed on her knees. Vacant expression . . . he’d seen that look on her not that long ago. He hated seeing it now. This was a bad idea. They shouldn’t have come to watch this hunt. Beth was out of it, but she was still trying to light the zippo . . . She couldn’t get it. There was too much blood on her hands, and her thumb kept slipping off. She wiped her hands on her jeans . . . there was the Rugaru. And then Beth slumped forward and fell face first in the ground. 

“Dean? What are we supposed -” 

Dean made a mad dash towards her, so he didn’t hear the rest. Taking the stuff out of her hands, he wiped the blood off, brought it up, and turned to his right to torch the Rugaru. After it was lit up, Dean rolled Beth over . . . not again. It was just like right after he got her heart going when he pulled her out of that lake. He went to tear off part of her shirt, so he could use it to try and stop the bleeding, but Sam started dragging him away from her. “I can’t leave her like –“

Sam pointed and looked the direction that Beth had come from and Dean could see the top of Adam’s head running through the trees towards them. Dean looked down at Beth before he nodded to Sam, and they moved back into the trees just as Adam got there. Adam looked pissed off until he saw Beth and then his expression quickly turned to panic as he ran the rest of the way. “Not again . . . come on . . . that’s three times in a row.” 

_Three hunts in a row?_

Adam pulled out his phone and called Cas to tell him where they were before he tore off part of his shirt to tie around Beth’s arm and muttered, “How the hell did you pull that one off?” when he finally caught sight of the charred remains of the Rugaru. 

_That’s right. Adam had no idea how she killed the Rugaru . . . Was it me the whole time? She might’ve felt me in Heaven with her and now this? That’s fucked up . . . but I guess she did come back and meet me when we were kids. How many more times have we done this?_

Sam started to pull Dean away further and said, “Come on . . . Cas’ll know if we’re here.” 

Dean nodded hesitantly and said, “Yeah . . . all right. Cas takes her to the hospital. She’ll be all right.“ 

“At least she doesn’t do stuff like that anymore,” Sam said in the car. 

“Yeah . . . She does. She sliced her hand open when we went after those werewolves,” Dean responded while starting the car. 

“Yeah, but that was her hand . . . She doesn’t intentionally try to severe her arteries anymore.” 

Dean bit the inside of his cheek. “Had to learn the hard way from the looks of things.” He wasn’t pissed at her. It would’ve worked if she hadn’t cut too deep or if she’d had time to set it up so that Adam was waiting where she led the Rugaru, or both . . . She knew she had back up from Adam and Cas and was testing her boundaries . . . running experiments on herself, so she could see how much her body could take if she had to protect those tablets and God without him, because he’d made her think he didn’t trust her enough to hunt with her anymore . . . He was pissed off with himself in the past. If they went to talk to Sam in the past, he was kicking his own ass for letting it go on this long.


	27. Changing the Past

Sam watched a dejected Dean walk out of their motel room on his way to the Impala. _How did I not see how down Dean was back then?_ Then he watched a younger version of him come out of the motel room a minute later and head north up the street. _That’s why._

He hadn’t cared about the Dean in front of him. He’d only cared about those prophecies and building up his army behind Dean’s back, so he could try and get a Dean back that never really went away. He was a dick. “You ready to do this?” Dean asked. 

Yeah . . . almost, but now Sam was starting to question the wisdom of changing something this big. The thing with Dean saving Beth . . . After what Dean told him about it, that seemed like it was supposed to happen . . . this . . . Sam never remembered talking to himself from the future, so this wasn’t supposed to happen. What if he was making a monumental mistake? What if he changed something that wasn’t supposed to be changed and ended up leaving the world they lived in now in a worse place than it already was? What if when he and Dean got back, there was no camp, no kids, nobody else on the face of the planet? 

Sam exhaled and gave Dean a nod. “Yeah . . . I don’t know what the younger me is about to do . . . might be better if you didn’t watch.” 

Dean knew he was talking about the demon blood and clapped him on shoulder before saying, “All right . . . got some of my own ass kicking to do . . . just, uh, don’t shoot yourself, and don’t let you shoot you.” 

Sam got out of the car, and Dean took off in the direction the Impala had gone, so Sam started following himself. This was kind of messed up . . . he was used to messed up, but this felt really messed up. He stopped at the alley the other him had just gone down and glanced around the corner . . . Yeah, that’s what he’d thought the old him had gone there to do. He couldn’t watch himself do that, because he didn’t want to see himself that way, and he knew what it all lead to in the future. It was so wrong. He could see that now. _Why didn’t I see it back then?_

Maybe he should’ve told Dean to come with him. He wasn’t sure he could do this on his own. Actually, what he should’ve done was pay attention, because the next thing he knew, Crowley appeared in front of him. He still hated Crowley. “Ah, Moose . . . fancy meeting you here. I take it you got my text? He’s down there.” 

This could work to Sam’s advantage even better than talking to himself. No Crowley. No deal. Before he could do anything to Crowley, Crowley looked around him and disappeared, so Sam looked behind him to find Adam standing there. “Uhh . . . Hey Adam . . . It’s not what it looks like. I was going to –“ 

Adam cocked his head to the side and said, “Kill Crowley? I know. That will change nothing.” 

_This isn’t Adam._ “Michael?” Adam nodded. _Wow._ “We haven’t actually met, um, it’s a pleasure to meet you. Uh, if you don’t mind me asking, why are you in Adam?”

Michael frowned slightly. “I explained the situation to him when I found him in Heaven.” 

_What situation?_

Michael looked down the alleyway towards the younger Sam and said, “You did not kill off the entire planet . . . only most of it. Raphael would have continued his quest with or without your actions . . . the human race would not have survived at all had you not acted first and put my attention on my brother.” 

_Gabriel said that what I did wasn’t supposed to happen on any timeline, so Michael only has this timeline to go on. He can’t know that for sure._

“No, it was not supposed to happen . . . your actions altered things, but they were altered by my brothers first. Gabriel first by having Beth and Raphael for using her for his own means . . . and perhaps by my Father, who let her live and come down here to live among you.” 

_Why does this feel like a sales pitch?_

“It is. If you killed her now, the world would be spared.” 

That’s what he was afraid Michael would say. Sam walked around him to go back towards the direction where Dean had dropped him off. “If you want something like that done? Do it yourself, but expect me and Dean to stop you.” 

He halted when Michael said, “Dean has made a valid threat against my Father. You on the other hand could do no act so heinous that your brother would seek retribution on you, and if you do it now, it would prevent your brother from being tied to her so strongly that he would die when she does.” 

_Crap. He’s right. It’s before they were fully connected . . . We just saw her a couple of days ago, and she almost did the job herself, but nothing happened to Dean back then . . . Dean might be mad for a while, but he’ll get over it eventually if it means saving the planet. I could rectify the mistakes I’ve made . . . Why is killing Beth a more suitable option than trying to talk me out of it or killing Crowley? If she died right now, Raphael wouldn’t get her. Her soul would go to where Death holds the souls that have nowhere to go. That Army from Hell would never happen. Raphael would know the play for the tablets is over and have no army to back it up . . . Crowley wouldn’t have a tablet to trade with me, and I wouldn’t have let the Croat virus out . . . It’d be murder. Could I do it? . . . I’ve murdered people for a lot less._

“So, that would really stop everything and save all those lives? What about the path I’ve already taken? Does it all get wiped clean?“

When Michael didn’t answer, Sam turned to ask him something else, and saw Dean pivot around the corner to be behind Michael half a second before the tip of an angel blade came out the front of Michael’s chest. The light started to break out of Michael, and Dean said, “Now we’re done.” 

As Adam’s body fell, Dean turned the dark look he’d been giving Michael onto Sam before he grabbed Sam’s jacket and pulled him behind the wall of the alleyway. Bright light came shooting out all around them, but Dean kept walking, like nothing was happening. Sam tried to keep up with him, but had to stop a quarter of the way down the alley to put his forearm across his eyes and block them as the heat encompassed him, and then it was gone. 

_How did I not known about this? I had to have seen the light. Oh._ Sam looked down at the younger version of him that’d been knocked out and was sitting up against a wall behind a dumpster . . . Dean must’ve doubled back around and come up the other side of the alley to have his back on talking to the younger him, but when Dean saw either Crowley or Michael standing there, he’d knocked the younger Sam out and came to see what was happening. 

Sam guessed there had been a couple of times in the early days when something like this happened to him. He’d had to hide a lot of scrapes and bruises . . . the odd bump on his head. Sam was still looking at himself in the past when Dean walked around the corner up ahead without him. That’s when it started to sink in for Sam . . . His brother just killed Michael. The main archangel . . . The one all the angels had bowed down to since the beginning of time . . . and Dean did it without batting an eye. 

Dean wasn’t even in his full hunter get up . . . no weapons that Sam had seen. Dean was wearing jeans and boots, but he was still wearing a sweatshirt, because he was still sick . . . Where’d the archangel blade come from just now? Michael must’ve left it behind when Dean kicked him out. Maybe it’d been in Dean’s weapons bag, but Dean didn’t have his weapons bag on him right now. Dean must’ve been carrying it on him this whole time. Why? Maybe he was expecting Michael to show up again and wanted to be ready for it? Or maybe Dean just thought that as far as weapons went, it’d take out anything except God or Death . . . It made traveling light for a trip like this easier. Michael had been wearing Adam . . . Dean hadn’t hesitated. They could’ve had their brother back with that sigil they knew to kick angels out of vessels, but Dean had killed Michael instead . . . and Adam again right along with him.

Sam found that his feet were carrying him the way Dean had gone. He also found that he was thinking about everything but the one thing that was screaming out to him the loudest in his head. Dean heard everything. If Sam had left it at saying that Michael could do it himself and that he and Dean would stop him . . . things would be okay, but he’d begun to be swayed by it. And now he was wondering if what Michael’d said was maybe the best option. 

As soon as Sam got in the car, he glanced over at Dean, and Dean had the steering wheel gripped tight in both his hands. “Sam, whatever you thinking . . . I need you to stop. Michael was blaming God for letting her come down here. That’s not Michael . . . not the one that followed his Father’s instructions to the letter since the beginning of time . . . God wanted her to live. That should tell you something.” 

Sam looked out the side window and said, “But I thought we weren’t trusting God anymore. Maybe Michael finally saw God for what He really is.” 

Sam jumped when Dean slammed his palm down on the steering wheel to get his attention. “Damnit Sam! You can’t undo what you did by killing Beth and keeping my daughter from being born . . . I won’t let you, so let it go.”

He hadn’t thought about his niece. But this was good . . . they were talking about it, so this was good. “What if he was right? Don’t you think we should at least –“ 

Dean turned to face him and said, “Killing one or two people to save everyone else is not the right thing. You never sacrifice people like that . . . not in the name of good. That’s now how good works . . . doesn’t matter who they are. You shouldn’t even be thinking that it might be the right thing to do. You should be taking off and trying to protect someone that’s threatened like that . . . Thinking it was okay to sacrifice people . . . that’s how we got here in the first place.” 

“And you didn’t just sacrifice Adam?” 

Dean sat back and looked out the other window with a pained smile. “Way I see it . . . Adam held him for me, while I took him out.” 

“Are you trying to convince me or you? Maybe Adam knew it was the right thing to do?” 

Dean’s attention quickly fell back on Sam. “If you knew Adam at all . . . If you’d been there when he died . . . you’d know Adam would never do anything to put Beth in harm’s way. He was letting us know they’re still up there, and he held him for me when he found out what Michael was up to just now. Michael had to have known I was there. Why didn’t he move before I could do what I did? Adam . . . Adam made sure he stayed there, so I could do what needed to be done to get rid of Michael once and for all. That angel was no friend of ours.” 

Sam sighed and looked out the windshield. “What about the snow? You thought he was the one that put it there, so humans would have somewhere to survive without the Croats.” 

“It’s done as much harm as good . . . can’t grow the food we need . . . it’s killed a lot of people . . . made ‘em starve or freeze to death . . . makes us take weeks to get across the country instead of a couple of days . . . Maybe Michael was behind it. Maybe he wasn’t . . . Sounds an awful lot like you’re thinking about it, and I said not to, Sam.” 

Sam turned to look at him and replied, “How can we not think about it? We were looking for a way to stop it from happening and thought maybe me talking to me would work, but probably not and definitely not without changing things and making them worse. If it happened now, no tablets . . . no prophecies . . . no Croat virus –“ 

Dean leaned towards him and steeled his features. “You didn’t know Beth was the one that knew where the tablets were. You still would’ve made a deal with Crowley for a tablet . . . He could’ve gotten his hands on the one in Lucifer’s crypt or the Leviathan one. You still would’ve done whatever the Hell you wanted and let the Croat virus out before you started up Vegas. You just would’ve been doin’ it for nothing, and she wouldn’t have been there to stop you in Vegas . . . You would’ve just kept on doin’ what you were doin’.” 

_He doesn’t know that for sure._

“It’s what Beth would want.” 

“No, she wouldn’t Sam . . . not now . . . She’d never do something like that because of what it’d mean for our daughter.” 

Sam chanced his luck and tried, “If we explained it to her in this time, she would. If we told her what would happen . . . she would.” 

Dean gave him that same dark look he’d given him earlier and said, “You’re not hearing me, Sam. I won’t let you do this.” 

Sam sat forward and returned the look saying, “Or what? You’ll kill me?” 

Dean maintained eye contact and didn’t back down. “You haven’t learned a damn thing . . . had me fooled. I thought you could be saved, but you’re still you. You still think its okay to not have to live with the consequences of your actions the way the rest of us do . . . that you’re above it . . . that it’s okay to kill as many people as you want, so you don’t have to do it . . . You know why I came back? To stop you . . . to tell you the risk wasn’t worth it . . . that ship has sailed, Sam, and if you start going back and killing people . . . means your erasing things that were meant to happen, like Rogue . . . Adam . . . I sent him back to where he belonged. He’s already dead and has been for over a year. That is not the same thing you’re thinking of doing.” 

Then Dean started the chant, and Sam looked down to see that Dean had set up the time spell on the floorboard in front of him . . . maybe he’d started it before Sam got in here, but he’d definitely only had time to finish it while he distracted Sam with their talk. Sam wondered how Dean had done that without him knowing and where he’d gotten the stuff . . . the last he knew, it was back at the snow plow they’d brought here, so it wouldn’t be lost if the plow was towed or stolen or destroyed for some reason. Dean was as sneaky as Beth. 

His body betrayed him and made a mistake that Sam would regret for a long time. It was a simple act, mostly bore out of instinct than anything else, or that’s what he would try to convince himself of on the way back to Bobby’s. His hand reached for the door and opened it, so he could get out, but he wasn’t fast enough, and Dean grabbed a hold of the back of his jacket to keep him there until the spell was done, and they were sitting in the middle of the snow somewhere just north of Des Moines. 

The mistake he’d made was to make a move at all. If he hadn’t, Dean wouldn’t be giving him a look that let him know that as far as Dean was concerned, by trying to get out of the car, it meant he’d made a move on Beth . . . on his daughter . . . that he’d wanted to stay, so he could finish Beth off. Maybe he had, but he’d never know now. Dean was convinced of it though. He didn’t have to say it for Sam to see it in the look on Dean’s face. Dean took Beth’s toiletries bag with the time spell ingredients in it with him when he got out of the car and went to the back, so he could start rummaging around until he came back and started pouring gasoline from a fuel canister around the driver’s side seat and said, “Get out of the car, Sam.” 

Waiting only long enough for Sam to barely clear the car, Dean lit the match and threw it in through the opened driver’s side door. The car started to go up in flames. It wasn’t lost on Sam that Dean then tossed what was left of their time spell ingredients into the car. Getting rid of that was only half the reason Dean was burning the car. It was just as much about Dean letting Sam know how pissed off he was with him. It was like watching their relationship go up in smoke. 

Sam watched Dean over the flickering flames from his side of the car. This was starting to feel like a test . . . one that he’d failed. He knew it, and Dean knew it. He hadn’t really changed even though they’d both thought he had. Now he wondered if Michael hadn’t set him up . . . said what he said to make Dean see that he hadn’t changed . . . that he couldn’t be saved. 

Dean had told him that he and Beth had both told Michael that the reason Beth hadn’t killed Sam and did kill Raphael was because Raphael would’ve kept doing the same things over and over again, that he had no loyalty to his brother . . . that he wouldn’t stop on his own until he got what he wanted. Now Sam thought this had been staged to get back at Dean because Raphael was dead . . . to make Dean look like the hypocrite for keeping him alive, because now Sam was sure that Dean was thinking there was no difference between him and Raphael . . . that Sam would always keep doing the same things over and over again . . . and maybe that he had to be stopped too . . . Dean had to be thinking it, because Sam knew he was.


	28. Holiday Preparation

Christmas Eve was tomorrow. Dean and Sam weren’t back yet. Well, they were back in this time, but they weren’t back at the camp. It was a time spell, so it didn’t bring people back anywhere . . . just anytime. When my Dean tracker picked them up a couple of hours after they left, I wondered what the hell they were doing in Iowa. They weren’t moving all that fast. They came back yesterday, but they still weren’t out of Iowa yet. 

I didn’t think they’d make it back in time to set up their Christmas party, and the kids needed something. They were freaking out all day because Dean wasn’t back yet. They’d acted up for Jody during hunter training and were following me around, asking for constant updates on where Dean was in Iowa. They’d been promised a good Christmas this year, and I could see their hope dwindling, so as much as I wanted Dean and Sam to have their Christmas, I couldn’t leave it. Something had gone wrong, or they would’ve come back near here. Maybe they had everything they needed, or maybe they had nothing. They hadn’t taken any phones, because they hadn’t planned on coming back anywhere other than near here just a few minutes after they left. If they had tons of food, we could store it outside in the snow until we could use it, but if they had nothing than the kids would have nothing. 

Yuri was having a particularly hard time this year without his wife, so I sent he and Ivan to go get Dean and Sam. I told them roughly where they were. Maybe they’d be home by tomorrow night if they came back using the roads they’d already plowed getting there, or that’s what I was hoping. 

After the two-man, rescue team left, I went to get my own stash of ingredients for the time spell. Dean had most of it, but I guess old habits died hard, because I still hid things around the place just in case we needed them. I was going to make this a great Christmas. My daughter and the other kids deserved one. I wouldn’t go over the top with it. Dean and Sam could do their idea next year, and I was sure that it would be better than what I pulled off this year. I wanted this to be their thing . . . something they could do together every year. 

To pull off any kind of Christmas, I needed money, so I laid out what cash I had in front of me and took out some of the newer bills that definitely looked new. People probably wouldn’t look at the dates on the older money that wasn’t old enough for the time, but still looked like it belonged there. After that, I left Rogue with Ty and Jenna and grabbed Meg, Abbey and Carrie, and we headed off on our own adventure. 

I needed Meg. She was really good at poker, and Carrie was good at hustling pool. We needed to up our funds, so when we got to 1970, we headed to a bar. Abbey stayed with Carrie, so she could make sure things didn’t go wrong at the pool table, and Meg and I headed to the back, so we could drink and maybe have the odd cigarette, while we joined in on a poker game. 

By the time the bar closed, the four of us walked away with about a grand. Meg and I had found out from the guys we’d played in the back where another poker game might be going on in Sioux Falls. We all tried our hand at it that time and upped our winnings to 2 grand. That should be enough. No need to be greedy.

The next morning Abbey and Carrie went to get half the things on my food list, and Meg and I got the other half. When we were done with all that, we could finally start getting the fun things I’d put on the list and the presents for everyone. I had to negotiate the price down on some things, and Meg did it her own way when that didn’t work for me. It was kind of fun shopping with her. 

After we had everything from 1970, we made a stop in the future not too far away from our own time for the last couple of things on my list. I had just enough money for those with the price of inflation. The biggest thing I got had its own trailer, so by the time we finished, we had two trailers plus an entire snow plow full of presents. Everything attached to the truck where we did the time spell came with us, so we only had to make one trip. 

When we got back, I was glad to see that a few more of the hunters had showed up. Stephen came up to me with a big grin and picked me up in a bear hug. The last time he’d stopped by was for Thanksgiving, and I hadn’t been here. The time before that, I hadn’t been there either, because I’d been on the hunt with Dean, Sam and Rogue in New York for the changelings. I wouldn’t have remembered him, but either way, I hadn’t seen him in way too long.

After putting me down, Stephen said that he and Pamela wanted to be brought in on the big things more. I told him okay, but we needed to figure out what the next big thing we were going after was . . . probably Eve or the Leviathan. He seemed happy enough with that. He was cocky and still an adrenaline junkie, but he had a heart of gold, and he’d grown up a lot since that wendigo hunt. I think it was becoming a leader at the Wisconsin camp and Pamela keeping him in line that did it. 

It was really good having more grown-ups that I liked around. Rufus was on his way. I was looking forward to seeing him, and I think . . . one of my surprises that I hadn’t told anybody about . . . one that would be awkward at first, but one that was needed . . . it was heading this way too. 

I got all 11 trees out of the back of one of the trailers and closed it back up before I called the teenagers together and told them to pick one of those, a minora, and a mishumaa saba for their cabins. I thought the trees all looked the same, but apparently some of them were better than others. After they’d all traded around and got the trees they wanted, I gave them bags and bags of arts and craft supplies and told them to keep the kids occupied in their cabins by having them make ornaments for the trees and their cabins. 

There were 10 cabins with 100 kids each. It wouldn’t take much time for them to do that and be back out here nosing around, so I told them we were having three competitions. One was to see who had the best tree; one was to see who had the best-decorated cabin; and one was to see who had the best-decorated stockings that I’d gotten for each of them that wanted one. Most of the stockings were red and white, and some of them were blue and white for Hanukkah. Others were red, black, and green for Kwanzaa, and some were green and white for the Solstice kids. 

I got the numbers of each that I needed before I left, so they shouldn’t fight over them . . . All the kids were getting chocolate coins in their stockings, so they wouldn’t fight over them too, but they didn’t know that yet. After handing the stocking lists to the teenagers, so they knew what kids got what stockings, I told them that the cabins that won the competitions didn’t have to do homework in any of their classes for the first week after we came back from winter break. _Probably should’ve checked that with Sam, but it worked. It should keep them occupied for a while._

While they did that, the adults started unloading the trucks. Some of the adults got put on elf duty, so they could wrap the presents, and some of the adults came with me, so we could start setting things up outside . . . and some of us went with Carl to work on getting better lighting inside the kid’s cabins. That’s where they’d be having their dinner, so they needed to be able to see better than they could by the light of 4 fireplaces that were primarily meant to keep them warm and a few sparsely spaced light bulbs run off one of the generators. 

Each cabin was getting quite a few new rustic oil lanterns, and the adults were hanging them up wherever the kids wanted so long as they didn’t become fire hazards. The kids were pretty responsible about that kind of thing after Sam had fire safety week with them, so they knew the drill. 

Christmas lights were going up on some of the car heaps to make them look like triangular Christmas trees at night, and icicle lights were going on some of the sheds and garages. A few lights went up around the porch outside the house. We didn’t have the generator capacity for a fully lit up camp . . . I think it worked out better the way it did anyway, because it wasn’t tacky and garish, just the right amount of light to make it seem cheerier and almost elegant for a junkyard. 

While that was happening, some of us started cooking, and after the rest of us had finished unpacking and doing our work outside, we all started cooking, unless we were on present wrapping duty. Cooking for 1000 kids everyday was a full-time job, so we had a lot of wood burning stoves that were lined up in a kitchen we’d added as an attachment to the back of the house, but cooking for the holidays was another thing entirely. 

For the main meal we were making a lot of similar things to what had been done for Thanksgiving, but I was insisting on mashed potatoes and gravy. They hadn’t made it for Thanksgiving for some reason. I didn’t know why. I hadn’t really been involved with that much, because I’d been selfish for that holiday, but I had a lot of kids come up and tell me they missed having them, so I was making sure they had them for Christmas. 

For dessert, we were making things, like cookies with each of the kid’s names on them in icing, and plum pie, my absolute favorite kind of pie. We also made sweet potato pie, mince pie, apple pie, and lots of tiny cupcakes with red and green, red, black and green, green and white, or white and blue icing on them. I was trying my hand at making bread and butter pudding. I thought it turned out pretty well. It reminded me of Christmas overseas. We had roasted chestnuts and lots of things like that along with mulled wine and heavily spiked eggnog that we all drank while we were cooking or decorating cookies and cupcakes . . . the kids got non-alcoholic drinks, like hot chocolate and Coke. The food side of things was spectacular and might’ve been enough on it’s own. 

We probably didn’t need the bouncy castle we were putting up in one of the garages . . . I might’ve also brought back a stray golden retriever we came across. She’d been abandoned. She came up to us while Meg and I were shopping and followed us from store to store after all the attention we gave her. She was dirty and starving. 

Yeah, I know I could’ve changed the past by bringing her here, but nobody wanted her, and I couldn’t help it . . . besides we took people’s money in the past at those gambling tables, and if that was okay, than I thought this was. I gave her a bath, while the other hunters put up the Christmas tree in the house, and she was like a new dog. She got along well with Jules and Jasper, so that was a plus. 

I also brought back a bunch of turkey chicks we had to put in a warm place in another shed . . . I wasn’t sure if we’d keep them or split them between Kansas and Wisconsin yet. I wanted to make sure we didn’t have to keep going back to buy 100s of turkeys every year for the holidays. That was something I thought might change the past. What if we did something weird, like create a turkey shortage and people that were supposed to have turkey for Christmas didn’t get it, and that Christmas happened to be a turning point for someone in their life and not getting turkey changed their path for whatever reason . . . eh, maybe taking people’s money at the poker table would do the same thing . . . I didn’t care. I was keeping that dog.

Finding somewhere to put the hunters wasn’t a problem. The adults that stayed here at the camp most of the time like Jody, Olga, and Carl all shared a cabin set up in the back. It was a lot smaller than the house and kids’ cabins, but it could easily house all the hunters, because it’d been built with the idea that hunters would be coming and going all the time, so if they all came at once, they’d need somewhere to stay. 

They all went to bed around 2 or 3, and I decided to go check on Cas, because I hadn’t had a chance to check on him all day. Ivan and Yuri had called around midnight when they got close to where I’d sent them in Iowa, so I was able to direct them where to go to find Dean, and they were on their way back now. They should make it back in time, and Ivan and Yuri didn’t know what I’d been planning before I sent them out, so everything here should be a surprise for all four of them. Yuri . . . I didn’t know if it was better or worse for him to be surrounded by people that loved him if his wife wasn’t here, but I knew he didn’t need to be here when we were making things in the kitchen. His wife used to help in the kitchen a lot. 

I got down the last step into the basement and headed into the bunker thinking that I might . . . maybe put the little angel I’d made of Cas on his head. I’d kept it with me over the years as a memento of that Christmas Dean, Adam, and I had at the cabin in Wisconsin and thought his room needed some cheering up. I was startled when I heard, “Maybe if people didn’t treat Yuri differently, it would help him more . . . That’s why you didn’t want anyone to know you were pregnant. If you lost the child, you did not want people to look at Dean differently.”

I smiled and went to sit next to Cas. “How long have you been awake? Why didn’t you come up?” 

He rolled his head to look at me and said, “I have been contemplating the best course of action. I don’t know if I should stay or go,” before he glanced at the angel in my hand and said, “I don’t know why you think putting that on my forehead would cheer up this room.” 

He wasn’t crazy the way I was expecting him to be. He was more or less the Cas he’d always been, and he’d woken up earlier than I’d thought he would. “It’d cheer me up . . . I’d think it was funny to see it sitting on your forehead instead of seeing you lying there dead to the world . . . and I don’t know why you’d go. We’ve missed having you here.” 

Taking my angel, so he could have a look at it, he said, “I may not be crazy, but I do see things more clearly. This timeline is not the one you were shown. We cannot continue to live according to that timeline. Perhaps it was useful as a guide, but you have changed much by being here. That is why everything is different and yet the same . . . we have paid much attention to the roles of Dean and Sam and even me, but we have not taken into consideration your personal role. You have a more active part in this story than you believe.” 

Dean came out of this having a strong aversion to me knowing about the future in another timeline too. I wondered if there was anything to that. “Everything was dark. I was aware . . . and floating through time and space. I had a lot of time to think. That’s not what happened to Dean.” 

_No, but it sounds like the Big Empty I almost got dropped into. Maybe whatever Crowley did manifested as the torture scenes for Dean and being wiped out of existence for Cas for some reason? Maybe it tied into what they wanted to help me with the most? Dean was just as worried about me dying though, or he wouldn’t have agreed to be Michael’s vessel . . . but he wasn’t that bad about that until after he went through this Crowley thing . . . Maybe this cleared up the worry he’d had on my mental state, because it helped him know how to help me with what I remembered about Heaven, and once he’d tackled that, it meant he could tackle being worried about me dying? He got his wires crossed on a lot of things. Maybe Cas isn’t out of the woods on this yet._

Cas sat up and wanted to know what I meant about almost being dropped into the Big Empty and Dean being Michael’s vessel, so I spent a while telling him what had been going on with us over the last 6 weeks. The more I talked to him the more I thought he seemed a little different. He seemed more relaxed and human than I’d ever seen him be. Just being around him made me feel relaxed and sleepy, and then he said that he thought I should go, because he didn’t want to do something that he shouldn’t. I had no idea what he was talking about until he explained it to me. 

_Why would just talking to me make him go in that direction?_ It was strange. It felt like he was calmer and had made peace with whatever it was he felt for me, but also like he understood that kind of thing better than I did now. That wasn’t necessarily fair. I’d been working at this thing with Dean for a long time and still didn’t understand it, and Cas gets to go to sleep for a handful of weeks and comes out of it feeling it and understanding those feelings and knowing why he had those feelings . . . and knowing what he wanted to do with them and knowing that’s what he shouldn’t do, and it was all directed at me, which I definitely didn’t understand . . . He was the angel. I was the human. Surely, I should’ve been the one to inherently know all about those kinds of emotions . . . except I was half-angel and half-human . . . but still everyone kept saying I was all human . . . and I didn’t have any grace, but – 

“That is why I said we are the same. There are more human attributes in me than I have been able to admit in the past, and there are more angelic attributes in you than you can admit . . . don’t worry about it. It does not make you faulty . . . We were created as we were meant to be.” I glanced at him and nodded before I made him promise that he’d still be there in the morning, so he could see Dean and Rogue. Then I headed up the stairs wishing I had whatever the hell he’d been tripping on for the last 6 weeks . . . least it might make me feel more chilled out if nothing else.


	29. An Angel at Christmas

Dean pulled up at Bobby’s and exhaled as the dread, tension, and anger that had been fueling him on relaxed a little. His need to see Beth had grown with each passing minute, because seeing her was the only thing that would make him feel any better. He glanced at Sam who couldn’t get out of the cab fast enough. Ivan and Yuri followed his brother out the passenger side door. He stayed were he was for a couple of minutes, so he could try and relax a little more before he saw anyone else here. Yuri and Ivan had picked up on the tension between him and Sam straight away and had kept quiet through most of the journey. He and Sam hadn’t talked. They’d said and done everything they needed to on it. 

_He might as well still be the same Sam I knocked out in that alleyway . . . He doesn’t do these things for me or anyone else. Sam does them for Sam . . . murder Beth and make sure Rogue isn’t born just so he can get out of jail free? It isn’t about saving people. I wish it was . . . it would still be wrong for us to even think about carrying out a human sacrifice like that, but at least then Sam’s motives wouldn’t be all about Sam. Maybe I should’ve seen it coming. I knew Sam was planning on doing something wrong to bring me back . . . I overlooked it, because we’ve had some good heart to hearts since I’ve been sick . . . shouldn’t have overlooked it._

Dean got out and took in the sight of the place on his way to the house. _She must’ve used a hidden stash of her time spell ingredients to get all of this._ He’d have to get the rest off of her. Sam could use it when Dean least expected it and go back to kill Beth or maybe even get that God tablet now that all the opportunities time travel offered had been drawn to Sam’s attention. He tried to get his anger and disappointment under control before he went in the house, but he was finding it difficult, so he stayed just outside the door. 

It looked like they had a new dog. Beth must’ve found another stray. None of the other hunters would take on dogs. Someone cut out paper reindeer antlers, attached them to the dog’s head and then tied a red bow around her neck. She came right up to him from around the side of the house and seemed friendly, so he bent down to remove the antlers and bow, and then she jumped on him. 

Normally, he’d hate that, but he was already dirty from walking through the snow in Iowa, and she was a lot thinner than he was expecting under all that hair. He felt like going to get her some food. Guess he could cross getting another dog off the list. Beth already agreed they could stay here when it was time to give it all up. Now all he needed to do was get a library full of books, a library full of movies, and a pool table, and they’d be set. 

Dean glanced around at the cabins and the lights around the place. Wasn’t what she’d been planning, but it was still pretty good. Wasn’t what he’d been planning either . . . Sam didn’t deserve the Christmas Sam wanted. Sam got what Sam wanted all the damn time. If it were up to Dean, they’d cancel Christmas this year, but the kids here needed it more than he needed to not have it. 

When it became pretty clear that he wasn’t going to be able to wipe away enough of his anger to keep Beth from immediately knowing something was wrong, he decided to head in anyway. When he got in the door, the place was a hive of activity. Hunters were running around the place wrapping presents. And the smell . . . that was almost enough to completely get rid of anything he’d been feeling outside the house. 

He went straight to the kitchen and smiled when he saw Beth commanding the troops on what needed to get done before she went back to whatever she was making . . . some kind of last minute brownies. She had flour all over her forehead . . . sure beat the hell out of her wearing blood. 

Cas was there with her, and she was teaching him how to make the brownies, but Cas had on a stupid Christmas sweater. Dean bet Stephen gave Cas that . . . it seemed like something Stephen would think was funny for an angel that helped stop the Apocalypse . . . it said ‘Devil Driver’ and had reindeer on it . . . probably picked it up out on the road, and it was Stephen’s kind of music. 

It looked like Cas was trying to get drunk with the rest of them. He was downing the eggnog in between shots of whiskey that Rufus kept handing him to see how many he could take, but he looked good . . . relaxed in a way Dean hadn’t seen him look . . . his posture wasn’t as rigid . . . he looked younger . . . didn’t look like an angel that’d been around for hundreds of thousands of years and that had been through more battles than Dean would ever know about. 

Cas looked like a guy that was learning how to make brownies and taking it seriously . . . also looked like a guy that was into Beth . . . his body language kind of said it. Dean was surprisingly okay with it. Cas wouldn’t do anything. Not right now anyway, and Dean was so glad to see him up and around that none of that other stuff mattered. Cas having a thing for Beth wasn’t even in the same ballpark, as Sam always wanting to kill her. 

Dean scanned the counters to see which one of the pies he could snag. _That isn’t all of them is it? Won’t be enough for 1000 plus people._ He grabbed the nearest one and stopped when he heard Beth’s voice right behind him. “You sure you want that one? Could have a taster menu of them. Go check out the hunters shack.” 

“Our hunter’s shack?” 

“Yeah, Cas picked it up for us this morning. There are more pies in the hunter’s cabin too.” 

He needed that shack after the last few days. It was the best present he could’ve gotten. Putting down the pie, Dean turned around with a grin before wrapping his arms around her waist. “What kinds we talkin’?” 

“Does it matter?” 

No, not really. Pie was pie, but the pie could wait. He wanted to hold her a little longer. Beth studied him for a few seconds before she reached up and touched his forehead. “Your fever’s coming back.“ He didn’t care, but he liked the feel of her cool hand. “You want Cas –“ He shook his head. 

Part of him thought that if being sick was the price he had to pay for getting her back, he’d take it. Death was fair. Things like this shouldn’t be easy or else they didn’t matter as much, and they should matter. He’d lost her . . . That mattered even if he did get her back. He didn’t need a miracle cure, and after the last few times he’d seen Cas . . . didn’t feel right taking something like that from him after the things he’d said to Cas. 

He could use Cas as his friend right now though. “Nah . . . haven’t been keeping up on the stuff you gave me . . . I got sidetracked. I’ll tell you why later.” 

She got that stern doctor look he thought was kind of hot and said, “Don’t stop taking it until I say . . . I don’t want it to spread and get worse again. Go get drunk on pie and relax for a while . . . The fever might be because you’re overexerting yourself . . . You shouldn’t have much, but if you have a couple of drinks it should be okay as long as you don’t have to take any Tylenol.” 

He loved it when she bossed him around, so he grinned and said, “You should play doctor tonight.” 

She smirked in response and said, “So which is it? Doctor . . . Nurse . . . Mrs. Claus, because –“ 

His grin grew before cut her off by saying, “Surprise me . . . Send Cas out with some eggnog,” while he reached behind him, picked up the pie he’d gone for first, and then went to go check out the hunter’s cabin. It had an impressive amount of food in it. He grabbed another pie in there that caught his eye, tossed the dog that was still following him a turkey leg, and headed out to what he decided to call Pie Heaven when he got to the hunter’s shack. There were hundreds of pies. He had no idea how they made all this in a couple of days on top of the other stuff they’d made. It looked like this was Beth’s superhero power. He’d hit the lottery on women.

Dean loaded a plate he found and was sitting in his recliner thinking that maybe Christmas wasn’t so bad when he heard Cas say, “Hello, Dean.” Looking over, he almost laughed. Someone had given Cas a Santa hat in the last couple of minutes, because he was wearing one, while carrying crate of booze and a huge glass of eggnog. Handing the eggnog off to Dean, Cas put the crate down and opened up a bottle of whiskey before sitting in another recliner. 

Dean started to ask where Cas got the crate, but Cas beat him to it. “Rufus said that I should go to a liquor store and take what was off the shelves. He wants me to keep a tally of how much I can drink.” The other hunters all seemed to be messing with Cas today. “They are feeling festive. I think they have finally accepted me as one of you.” 

Dean watched impressed as Cas then downed the bottle of whiskey in one go and started fishing for another one. He seemed to be trying his hardest not to let them down anyway. Good thing he didn’t eat pie. “Any idea who dressed up the dog?” 

“Gwen. She dressed up all of the dogs. Jasper tore his off, and Jules is entertaining Rogue. Millie likes any attention she can get, so she was okay with it at first until people stopped noticing and then she wanted it off, but was afraid to do anything about it in case it made us kick her out. She has abandonment issues even more than Jules did when you got him.” 

Dean glanced at her and said, “What’s she thinking now?” before he decided to try sweet potato pie. 

“She’s wondering what you’re eating, because she liked the last thing you gave her.” 

_She’s not getting any pie._ Cas looked at the floor in front of Millie and another turkey leg appeared in front of her. Dean watched her happily chow down on it and said, “Is that –“ 

“No, I made that one . . . I’m fully powered now, remember?” 

_Hard to forget._

Cas downed half a bottle of rum, and said, “Beth told me that you said, ‘yes’ to Michael.” 

Dean drank a good amount of his eggnog before answering that. Hunters had definitely spiked it. He felt the warmth from it start to go through him as soon as he finished. “I killed him, Cas . . . the other day.” Cas sat forward and asked him to tell him everything that happened with Michael going all the way back to the deal he’d made with God, so Dean did.

“No questions asked?” Cas asked after opening his third bottle. Dean finished off his eggnog and was eyeing one of Cas’s bottles, but he’d hold off on it for now. 

“Yeah . . . and before we were gonna go into the warehouse, Beth prayed to have the Punishing Angels killed, and that’s when God talked back, but not to her . . . He let me know what He wanted me to do . . . gave some orders to the other angels and laid out some rules for Michael to follow, but Michael didn’t follow ‘em. Took control the first day for a while.” 

Dean opted to take one of the beer cans he saw in Cas’s box of goodies. He hadn’t seen beer in years. “Did you go back in time to get this?” Dean asked after cracking it open. He loved that sound. 

“It was faster than trying to locate a liquor store that still had alcohol in it . . . Why do you feel guilty for killing Michael?” 

“Either Adam held him for me, which is what I’m goin’ with for now, or Michael stayed there on his own and let me do it. Doesn’t feel great killing Michael instead of kicking him out and keeping Adam . . . and part of me thinks that maybe Michael was trying to tell me something . . . It feels wrong killing him if all he was trying to do was help me see that Sam isn’t any different than Raphael was and that Beth got it wrong. I mean . . . Beth knew before she saw Sam in the Luxor that she wasn’t gonna kill Sam . . . How’d she know that Sam could be saved before she walked in there? She couldn’t have . . . And I killed Michael for showing me what Sam really is.”

“She made her decision on Sam at the Devil’s Gate. She must have seen the potential for Sam to be saved, but whether Sam is saved or not is up to Sam,” Cas answered before going for a bottle of tequila. 

So, the trial had been in Wyoming, and the sentencing hearing was in Las Vegas? “I thought she had to tap into her soul to get a good reading on somebody?” 

Cas shook his head while he smelled the tequila. “No, it just makes it so that she is aware of the cause of every black mark on their soul, but she doesn’t have to do that to know whether or not a person is worth saving . . . unless their evil intent is aimed towards her. I think it is her way of being impartial.” 

“But she isn’t impartial. She let Sam slide for me. I knew it then, and I know it now.” 

Cas sighed and then looked at Dean pointedly. “Do you remember how you didn’t want Uriel to level the town to prevent those witches from breaking the Samhain seal?” Dean wasn’t sure where this was going, but that’s what happened, so he nodded hesitantly. “Think of Sam’s soul as that town, because that’s the way Beth sees it . . . If she had killed Sam in Las Vegas, it would have been the equivalent of you giving Uriel the go ahead on killing everyone, both good and evil, in that town. That would’ve been the easier option, and it would’ve prevented a seal from being broken, but that’s not what you did. You fought to save the good from the evil . . . what those people did after you left town whether it was good or bad was not your responsibility. It was theirs.” 

Dean got what Cas was saying, but what about those men on the wendigo farm? They were bad, but – 

Cas interrupted his thoughts by saying, “Their souls were the equivalent of what that town would have become had you and Sam not been there to stop Samhain . . . He would’ve killed everyone in that town and raised them to join his army . . . Where there is only darkness and no hope of redemption, Beth knows to end it the same way you would’ve known to stop Samhain’s army without mercy.” 

“If the Devil’s Gate is where she made her decision, than she was gonna kill him there, and I stopped her.” 

Cas drank half of what was left of the tequila and said, “That is not the same thing, and you know it. She wanted to defend Gabriel from Sam . . . That and she was insulted that Sam had Lucifer’s blade. She didn’t think he was worthy of having it. It’s why she made a show of stripping Sam of it and giving it to Gabriel in Las Vegas.” 

_Not worthy of Lucifer’s blade? Think Sam more than lived up to the reputation._

Cas shook his head at Dean’s thoughts. “She may be human, but angels raised her. She sees things the way we do sometimes, and despite how he turned on Heaven and Earth and would have destroyed humanity if he had the chance . . . Lucifer was still an archangel.” 

Reaching into the front pouch of his hoodie, Dean took out Michael’s archangel blade before laying it on the arm of his chair. “So, it’s an insult to you for me to have this?” 

Cas looked at it before he shook his head. “No, it’s not a status symbol for you anymore than me having Lucifer’s blade is to me . . . neither of us think that we are their equals by having them.” 

_I’m not. Michael was a bad ass._ “Just thinking of him in Heaven and the way he fought in that chapel . . . I get it . . . the respect thing even if he was a dick . . . and then I killed him because he showed me what Sam is. And he was right. Sam hasn’t changed. I ignored the signs. When I died, I think Sam was gonna try to bring us back. It’s why he buried us. You know the kind of black magic something like that takes . . . He would’ve had to sacrifice other people . . . maybe kids from here, and I didn’t question him about it even though I saw the books he’d been reading on the desk downstairs when we got here, and then a little over a week later he’s wanting to kill Beth in the past, and you know what he asked?” 

Cas finished off the tequila and went back to whiskey. “If it’d wipe the slate clean.” 

Dean settled back in his chair and said, “Yeah . . . that’s not good. Wanting that is what made him kill off the planet.” 

Cas seemed to like the whiskey better than tequila and drank three-quarters of a bottle before stopping to say, “Most of the bad decisions Sam makes are because of his love for you, but they are not because of you.” 

Dean went for some pecan pie and said, “I know I have to take a step back. Also know he has to choose to do the right thing himself, or it won’t mean anything, but it’s hard. I mean what am I supposed to do, wait until he goes back and kills Beth in the past? I wouldn’t even know that’s what he’s done or that I was supposed to have a daughter, because it’d change what I remember, and the worst part is I thought . . . when I died with Beth, I thought he had this . . . I was alright with leaving Rogue with him, but if he could just erase her for himself like that . . . I don’t trust him around her anymore. And I needed to be shown that and what did I do when I was? I killed the messenger.” 

“Is it your motivation for killing him that is troubling you?” 

Dean looked down at his plate and shrugged. “I saw Adam and knew it wasn’t Adam. I would’ve known if Beth was ever in the same town as me back then, and Adam wouldn’t have left her side. I heard him saying that he didn’t want to make a move against Beth because of what I threatened to do to God if he did and knew for sure that it was Michael. Thought him trying to get Sam to kill her for him was a cop out and was just gonna get rid of him before he could get fully powered and be a real problem, but then I heard what Sam said, and I was pissed off with him when I killed Michael. Wasn’t until Sam actually made a move to stay behind when I was doing the time spell that I started thinking that was why Michael had done what he did . . . wasn’t really about Beth. It was about Sam, so she was never in any danger from Michael, and I jumped the gun on it.” 

“Maybe Michael did want you to know that Sam had not come as far as you thought, but I doubt that it was meant to be a helpful lesson . . . After how many things went wrong for Michael in the last few years with the Apocalypse not happening, Raphael turning against him, losing most of the angels, Raphael dying, and for it to all end with Michael being taken by Crowley to be tortured . . .I think my Father wanted Michael to be housed in you temporarily, so Michael could learn how to come back from that darkness the way you did after I pulled you out of Hell . . . God wanted Michael to see the good in humanity by being with you . . . to find his place again, so that he could rule in Heaven the right way. 

I also think that Michael was meant to protect Beth for you . . . It was my Father’s solution to what you prayed as well as his solution to help Michael, and Michael chose not to do it . . . He let her die at a time I am convinced was not her time to die. If it had been her time, Death would not have let her go so easily, so you were not wrong to expel Michael . . . You were actually within your rights to do so when Michael broke the rules on the first day. He turned against our Father in doing so . . . ignoring orders from our superiors . . . that is something that I have become accustomed to doing since I have met you, but for one of us to disobey a direct command from God . . . that is what Lucifer did, and Lucifer went from being the favorite to being locked in a cage,” Cas answered before he downed another bottle of . . . looked like bourbon.

Dean had needed this. He’d needed his friend to talk through it with him. Cas made everything make sense . . . made him feel better about everything except Sam, but that wasn’t Cas’s fault. Dean was just terrified that Sam was going to get it wrong again. He could try to steer Sam in the right direction, but if it wasn’t coming from Sam, it didn’t really matter how much good Sam did, because it wouldn’t really be coming from Sam. It was a hard one to let go of because of everything Sam had done, but the consequences of what would happen if Sam didn’t save himself . . . Well, Dean didn’t want to think about those.


	30. New Year's Resolutions

New Years Eve, and the clock striking midnight seemed like a good time for new beginnings. Sam watched as the other hunters all celebrated, drank, and lit sparklers for the kids. Dean was competing with Stephen over which one of them could give the best New Years Eve kiss to their girlfriend. Pamela seemed to be enjoying it . . . Beth thought it was funny and kept ruining Dean’s chances of winning. 

Dean was pretty drunk, but he was drunk because he was having a good time and enjoying himself instead of being depressed. Bobby came up to stand next to Sam and said, “So, when are you goin’? You even gonna tell Dean, or are you just taken off?” 

Sam took a deep breath and looked down at Bobby. It was good to have him back. Beth had invited him without telling anybody. She’d said it was Bobby’s house and Bobby was a hunter and all the other hunters were there, so Bobby should be too. It was meant to be a surprise, and it had been. 

By the time Bobby got here on Christmas Eve everyone was so wasted that they’d all cheered when they saw him, and Rufus even gave him a hug. It’d brought tears to Bobby’s eyes it meant so much to him. Bobby had done it. He’d been redeemed in their eyes, but he’d had to wander in the desert and wait until he was invited back into the fold first.

“I’m going tonight . . . now. My bags are packed. I left a note. I was just waiting for it to turn 12. I’m going to take Gadreel with me. If Dean gets to have his angel, than I might as well have my own . . . if that’s all right. I know he’s been helping out at your camp.” 

Gadreel was kind of perfect. He’d made a mistake a long time ago and had been paying for it ever since. Sam knew what that was like. Cas was more like Dean . . . He was loyal and a soldier that fought the good fight. Cas and Dean might as well be the real brothers he and Dean were meant to be. 

“I don’t know what happened between you two in the last week or two, but I do know he forgave ya . . . been tryin’ to make you see that . . . you’re not listening to him,” Bobby finally answered. 

“Yeah, but how long until the next time? An archangel told me that killing Beth before the outbreak would’ve kept it from happening, so I thought maybe killing her was the right thing to do. Apparently not . . . Nothing I do is ever good enough . . . I’ll always be a disappointment. If Dean wants to give me space to teach me some kind of lesson on learning to do the right thing on my own . . . then that’s what I’m gonna do, but I’m not doing it here.” 

Sam had gotten over the being hurt. Now he was just angry . . . angry with himself and angry with Dean. He wasn’t going to stay here and run this camp anymore either. He wanted to get back out there and start hunting again. He never thought he’d say that, but he felt too cooped up here. The walls felt like they were closing in on him. Dean was coming around to the happy side of things with his daughter and Cas and his friends that were hunters and the kids that all looked up to him and Beth . . . and it all made Sam feel miserable. He wanted to be a part of that with Dean, but he wasn’t . . . not really. He was a glorified babysitter that taught 1000 kids a day, and someone that Dean thought should think for himself and find himself and save himself. If that’s what Dean wanted, than Sam would, but he was leaving to do it.

Bobby sighed and said, “Sounds to me like Dean wants you to grow up . . . been mollycoddling you your whole life, and you’re pitchin’ a fit and tryin’ to punish him for it.” 

Sam hadn’t expected Bobby to say that. Bobby usually called it like it was with Dean. He didn’t usually give him the blunt life lessons. “That’s not –“ 

“Oh bull . . . That’s exactly what you’re doin’, Sam . . . You remember when you came to stay at my house the first summer after I met your Dad? You and Dean were just kids. You might’ve been 5 or 6 . . . refused, and I mean refused to eat nothin’ that Dean didn’t make you. He wanted to go out and go fishin’ . . . swimmin’ . . . and do things he never got to do out on the road . . . but you’d clamp that mouth shut and push away any sandwiches or dinner I put down in front of ya, so Dean did it . . . didn’t want you to starve . . . wanted to make sure you were taken care of and gave into ya every morning, noon, night, and snack time in between meals . . . half the time you said you changed your mind and wanted somethin’ different when he was done, so he had to throw the food away and start on somethin’ new. 

I tried tellin’ him you’d eat when you got hungry, but he didn’t listen . . . stayed in that whole summer lookin’ after you . . . bein’ your personal chef and nanny instead of goin’ out and havin’ a bit of fun . . . havin’ a chance to be a kid . . . and you’re doin’ the same damn thing now . . . It’s your way or you’ll put yourself in harms way or run off if he don’t give in and tell you how to put one foot in front of the other, so you don’t step in a big pile of manure . . . and I know I ain’t one to talk, but killin’ your brother’s wife and daughter . . . that is one big pile of manure you should know not to step in . . . Can’t blame him for wantin’ you to grow up and be a man about it . . . He spoiled you somethin’ rotten, and he’s finally startin’ to see that. Knows it did more harm than good, but it ain’t his fault . . . me and your Dad . . . we let him do it . . . cuz it was easier than havin’ to take care of the two of ya if he was willin’ to do it for us . . . And you’re bein’ a coward about it. You wanna leave, tell him to his face . . . He deserves that much.” 

Rufus came up with some sparklers and put his arm around Bobby’s shoulders to lead him away, so they could grab some more champagne Beth somehow managed to find . . . Cas probably got it for her from a different time.

Cas was standing there with the group like he was one of them now . . . in normal clothes that Stephen gave him as hand me downs . . . Jeans, button down blue shirt that wasn’t buttoned at the top, and a black bomber jacket that made him look way too cool to be Cas . . . no tie . . . no suit . . . no trenchcoat. He even looked like he’d finished off a couple of crates of champagne on his own, so he could get drunk with the rest of them. The kids kept running over to Cas and asking him to do tricks for them, and he did them no matter what they asked . . . every time. 

Sam bet Cas would get the kids to do their homework and pass all their exams . . . maybe Sam should’ve taken Dean up on his offer to grade his exams for him, so none of the kids failed . . . then maybe he would’ve beaten Beth . . . even accounting for the difference in class size he lost . . . not by much, but he’d lost. He blamed the Math classes for it. 

Jenna and Ty were running around and playing with Rogue and Lily to make sure they had a good time. Ty was almost 17. He’d be finishing up school in a little over a year. A couple of other kids would be too, and Sam just knew they were going to be hunters . . . maybe with the younger kids he’d have a chance, but all those teenagers were going to become hunters, because their role models were all hunters. 

Role models . . . how the hell did that Stephen guy get to be any of these kids’ role model? Stephen kept having kids come up to him, like he was the best thing ever. Now Ben, who got a football for Christmas, wanted Stephen to throw it around with him . . . Oh, and there was Dean joining in with them . . . along with Beth and Meg and Abbey and Carrie and Gwen and Max . . . now Cas. 

Dean called Sam over to come play too. Sam wasn’t in the mood, and the invitation seemed like more of an after thought. “Come on Sam . . . need more men,” Dean shouted again before he looked at Stephen and asked, “When the hell did there get to be more chicks hunting than men?” 

Would’ve been even numbers if Sam and Adam were both playing . . . until Jo would’ve joined in . . . Jo . . . Sam thought back to when Michael told him that the solution to saving the world was killing Beth in the past. At the time, he’d wondered if he could murder someone they knew to do it. The answer was yes, because he’d already killed his girlfriend in the name of doing something he thought was right at the time . . . So a better question would’ve been could he murder his brother’s soul mate now that he knew what she meant to Dean and after thinking of her as a friend that he wanted to protect . . . and the answer was . . . probably . . . Yeah, he’d obviously thought about it, and like Dean said . . . if he thought about it enough, he’d eventually do it. 

Stephen grinned at Dean and was probably about to say something offensive until Pamela smacked him in the back of the head and said, “Because hunters that are men are idiots . . . say the stupidest things, and we have to keep finishing them off.” 

Rufus came up to them and shouted, “Bobby, get your ass over here. If Sam won’t play . . . you and me gotta make sure the men win this one . . . and they’ve got an Amazon on their team.” 

Ty handed Rogue off to Jody, so he and Jenna could join in and said, “Yeah, but we’ve got an angel on our team.” 

Jody. Sam had fixed that problem for Dean and Beth, but did he get any recognition for it? No. She’d been talking to Bobby about it all week, and Bobby would probably get credit for it. 

Beth pointed at Cas and said, “No flying,” before she went over to whisper something to Abbey, and Dean went over to Cas to probably explain the rules and tell him to match up with Abbey. Sam almost thought about staying to watch . . . He wanted to see how this worked out . . . Angel versus Amazon in a game of football with a psychic, and it looked like a prophet as Kevin joined, and a side order of ex-demon thrown in . . . an ex-demon that had been in his and Dean’s life for a long time as a demon . . . Sam never thought he’d see something like this. Their Dad would’ve pitched a fit if he knew. 

The men won the toss. Dean was quarterback. Stephen and Kevin were wide receivers . . . Rufus and Ben had their eyes on Abbey, and Bobby was blocking Meg. Cas was the fullback, and Ty was the halfback. It was a pretty strong team. Oh . . . not strong enough . . . Beth had Pamela anticipating where Dean was going to throw it. Pamela may not have gotten far before Stephen brought her down, but she definitely intercepted it. 

Dean looked annoyed and shouted, “You can’t do that! That’s cheating.” 

Beth shouted back, “Never said that was one of the rules . . . only said that Cas couldn’t fly. Besides we have play to our strengths, or you’d win.” 

Sam remembered when Dean and Beth were 5 and 6 and had a similar exchange when she tripped Dean up on their race to a tree . . . Dean remembered it too, because he grinned as soon as she said that. 

They really had lived a lifetime together in their own way even though they’d only been together for 4 years now, and maybe that’s why Sam needed to leave. Maybe he would always be a danger to Dean and anyone that Dean loved . . . at the moment he felt a strong dislike for Cas, but last week he was willing to kill Beth and make sure his niece wasn’t born. 

If he was always going to be a danger to Dean and Dean’s way of life, than it was better for Dean if he weren’t around as much. Sam didn’t want in on the big hunts anymore . . . They all seemed to lead to him making the wrong decisions. He’d go out and hunt the way these other hunters did and bring people he found to Wisconsin or Kansas. He’d stop by here to check up on Dean . . . stick around until Dean came back if Dean was on a hunt or something . . . spend time with his niece. 

Sam felt really guilty for even entertaining the notion that her not being born was an acceptable option . . . especially when the first thing she did when he walked into the house on Christmas was come running up to him with the tiger he’d given her, wanting a hug, and saying, ’Sam’. He’d been trying to make it up to her every day since even though she had no idea what he’d been thinking of doing. That was actually . . . well, he had to look away and try to stop from tearing up when he thought about leaving her now. He’d been with her every day of her life except for the time he’d spent in Sunrise and in Heaven. Thinking about leaving her now almost made him decide against leaving. Maybe in a couple of weeks he’d come back for his first visit. 

After his visits, he’d go back out with Gadreel and hunt some more . . . fight the small battles . . . If Dean really needed him for something, he wouldn’t hesitate to be by Dean’s side, but maybe they did need some distance for awhile . . . didn’t have to be long . . . maybe a month or two to try it out and see how he got on with it. 

Sam watched as Beth handed the ball off to Jenna and had Meg and Abbey block for her until Jenna got close enough to almost get a touchdown . . . Ty got to her in the end, because Cas took Abbey out and Bobby got rid of Meg . . . Sam turned away from the game as he made his decision. 

Maybe Dean was right. He needed to focus on making himself better, so he could could come back and be the brother Dean deserved. He just needed to rewrite his note before he left. The other one sounded too accusatory and angry. This time he was going to write down some of the things he’d been thinking . . . about how he wanted to come back a better brother for Dean . . . let Dean know it wasn’t Dean’s fault he was leaving. That was a better way to go than the way he’d originally planned.


	31. A New Way of Training

“A ‘C’? How the hell was that a ‘C’?” 

Cas looked at me and said, “You were not trying, so a ‘C’ is what you deserve.” 

It was a hell of a lot better than what used to earn me a ‘C’. Sure I hadn’t sparred with him in a while, but I wasn’t rusty. 

“I did not say you were rusty. I said you were not trying.” 

_Fucking ‘C’. I’ll show him a fucking ‘C’._

In response to what I was thinking, Cas almost smiled while he took up a defensive position. He wanted me to make the first move. 

_You ready, Cas?_ He gave me a slight nod, and I shut down my emotions . . . got rid of the anger . . . cleared my mind and focused on this. I had to be at my best, so I didn’t hurt him. 

“If you do not want another ‘C’, do not hold back with me.” 

I took a step back and relaxed my posture. “I always have. I don’t want to hurt you.” 

“No, before you could not . . . Now that you can, you should. How will I learn if I don’t get cut when I should? We are training each other now.” 

_Is he crazy?_ “I’m not your peer.” 

“Not in Heaven . . . you are on Earth.” 

_Yeah, angels move completely different in Heaven than on Earth. They are so much faster up there._ “You trained me for Earth or Heaven?” 

“I didn’t think you’d ever be in Heaven while you were alive. It was luck that you survived as well as you did up there.” 

_Luck? Wasn’t luck . . . it was me knowing how to take a hit and –_ I stopped myself from continuing that line of thought because of the look Cas gave me. That was his point. He needed to know how to take a hit. “I’m sure you already know how to take a hit, Cas. You’ve been training with angels for a long time, and the Cas I saw take out Prison Security . . . I am no match for that Cas.” 

He was still waiting for me to make my move but said, “It is not about power. It is about skill.” 

_Yeah, and I don’t have the skill to compete against the de-powered Cas that took out –_

Cas got tired of waiting for me to make the first move, and I had to quickly block him. “I don’t know how,” I finally admitted before he could attack me again. He took a step back, so I could explain what I’d meant. “I don’t know how to do something like that. I don’t know how to go all out and still not kill you . . . When I fight against something I’m hunting, I don’t think. I act with the ultimate goal being that the thing I fight dies. I don’t know how to . . . ‘hunt’ you without killing you.” 

Cas looked down and away before saying, “It is my job not to die, the same way that it is your job not to get cut. You can do better . . . I want to see it, or there is no point to our training,” and then took up a defensive position. 

_He wants me to go all out, or he won’t train with me any more?_ I guess that was one way to motivate me.

Blocking out everything else, so I could focus, I began twirling my blade absentmindedly in my right hand. He didn’t like it when I did that any more than he liked me talking to something I fought. He thought it took my focus off of what I was fighting. It didn’t. It was a distraction to whatever I was fighting, so when he glanced at it and gave me a look to let me know I shouldn’t be doing that, I attacked, because normally I wouldn’t. He wasn’t anticipating my move, but he still blocked it the way I expected, allowing me to quickly turn into him, elbow him in the side, and pivot behind him to give him a little knick in the back with my blade. That’s where I would’ve stabbed him if I were going to kill him. 

_3 moves, Cas. I think you’re the one that’s not trying._

He took a few steps away from me and sighed before he said, “Would you normally let the angels you fight know what you’re thinking?” 

_Depends on whether I want to mislead them on what I’m really thinking. It’s what I did with Adriel._

Giving me a look that suggested he hadn’t thought of that, Cas then nodded before leveling a determined look in my direction. I took a step back and got into a defensive position, while twirling the blade in such a way that I could now grasp the hilt tightly in a different grip and be ready for his attack. When he made his move, I deflected his arm, so it went across the front of my body instead of towards my chest and jumped back when he brought it back to slice towards my torso. Without thinking, I blocked right, left, up, ducked, and after he swung left, I used my angel blade to give him a slight nick in the arm before I jumped back again to put some distance between us, only had time to dodge left at the move he chose and used the opening he gave me to give him another slight nick in the side before he really got going. 

Blocking right, then left, then right, I then dropped my angel blade into my left hand and brought it up to give him another little nick in the stomach . . . He retaliated with a hard punch to the chest that knocked me down, so I rolled back to get on my knees before he got to me and blocked up with my blade when he brought his down. He left himself wide open, so I kept his blade engaged with mine and poked him in the stomach with my left hand saying, “Consider that another nick. It’s what I would’ve done if I’d had another angel blade . . . I’ve used that move more than a few times on angels, and it works every time.”

Quickly, I wished that I’d had an extra angel blade, because his response to my advice was to kick me into a tree. I hit it hard, and just had time to duck when he came at me again before I pivoted around the tree and mirrored his steps to keep it between us. If he wanted me to fight against him the way I did the things I killed, then it wasn’t all organized sparring the way we always did. It required thinking outside the box. We’d be at a stalemate until one of us moved away from the tree . . . and that person would lose . . . suddenly he was behind me. 

I dropped down to my knees before his angel blade struck the tree where my head had been, and then turned to bring my blade up towards his exposed stomach while I stood again. I thought maybe he was going easy on me, so he could learn my moves. As soon as he was confident he could anticipate what I was going to do next, he was going to start kicking my ass. 

_It goes both ways you know. Can’t expect me to give you all my secrets without giving me some of yours, Cas . . . We’re training._

He grabbed me by the front of my coat with one hand, lifted me up off my feet and slammed me into the tree. I was reminded of Michael doing the same thing to me except this time I got cut in the side when Cas used the blade in his free hand to cut me. He withdrew his blade, took a step closer, and lingered there while he gave my mouth a pretty seductive look. It quickly made this whole thing feel more erotic . . . _No, be good, Cas._ Slicing my bladed down across the back of his hand to make him drop me, I landed on my hands and knees, drew my blade across the side of his calf, twirled it into a different hold, and stabbed down into his boot to cut his foot, then quickly pulled it out and blocked him from stabbing me in the back before I disengaged the my blade from his and swiped it across his torso. 

He disappeared, and I felt him show up behind me. I reached up and over my head with my angel blade to block him from stabbing me in the head and turned at the waist to give his upper thigh a cut. He disappeared again and landed in front of me, so I put my blade up to block him from stabbing through my head from the front and had to use both hands to do it, because he used a lot more strength for it that time. 

I was still on my knees and couldn’t stand, but I wasn’t disengaging our blades, so he kicked me in the chest and knocked me onto my back. When he followed me to continue the attack, I reached up, grabbed a hold of his hand holding the blade when he plunged it down towards my chest, brought both my legs up to kick him hard in the stomach, and flipped him over my head. He didn’t go far, so when I followed the momentum of my legs and rolled over my shoulders, I ended up sitting on his chest and brought my angel blade down to give him a nick on his neck. I don’t think he’d been expecting me to do that because of the annoyed look he gave me just before he threw me off of him using his angel powers and disappeared again. 

With him being gone, I was finally able to get to my feet, and waited for him to appear again. The next time he did, he flung me. He full-on angel flung me into a different tree. When I hit it, I adjusted in time to land in a crouch at the bottom, so I could be ready when he got to me, but he’d disappeared again. This was a pretty unusual tactic for him to take. I had to be ready for anything. Seeing movement out of the corner of my eye seconds later, I ducked before he could lop off my head and then turned towards him, wrapped my arms around his legs, and tackled him onto his back, but before I could cut him again, he disappeared. That’s what I thought. He’d been learning at the start . . . had intentionally been my punching bag, so he could learn my moves. What a smart angel. 

I got back on my feet and backed towards the tree, so I could have it at my back. This time when he showed up, he was right in front of me, and I had to block left, left, up, left, right, duck, turn to the side to miss the punch, duck on the back swing, and brought my angel blade up to give him a cut on the torso. He blocked it, and then I went on the attack. After blocking me to the left, right, right again and then left and up, he then went on the offensive again, so I had to block right and then when he came at me from the left, I used his momentum against him by grabbing his right arm to pull him towards me as I dodged him, intending to disarm him and swing him into the tree, but he did a quick countermove, pulled my arm up behind my back and shoved me into the tree chest first. 

“I think I understand why you and Dean find this arousing,” Cas said while he looked down at me. 

“Dean and I don’t usually make one another bleed,” I answered trying to turn, so I could look at him, but he tightened his hold on my wrist and held me firmly in place. “No, it is about the extended physical contact . . . the struggle for dominance . . . the pheromones . . . it is intoxicating . . . do not move . . . I need to regain control over myself.” 

“Cas, let me go.” _I’m not staying like this all day._

“I do not –“ 

“Let me go. I have an idea.” He let my arm go and before I could feel my hand again, I transferred my angel blade into my other hand, cut his thigh just a little . . . enough to make him move back, pivoted behind him to give him another slight cut in his back. We needed to finish this. No more stopping. This was a training session. 

This time the sparring was more intense . . . faster. The ducking and blocks and strikes were a lot harder to keep up with than what we’d been doing . . . for both of us. I was just as fast but not as strong as Cas. I was putting my efforts into acting and reacting and shut everything else down to try and make sure he had to do the same. I got close to tapping into my soul . . . close, but not quite . . . Is there such a thing as doing it a little bit? It was probably like what I did when I was in Heaven and dealing with the angels up there. 

Eventually, I disarmed him, and he gave me a really hard angel-punch to the side. It knocked me about 10 feet away from him, but I didn’t drop his blade or mine even though it fucking hurt. It wasn’t the fall that hurt, it was the punch . . . It wasn’t his fault. If I got hurt, it was my own damn fault for doing something wrong, but I was done with training for the day. I hoped he knew I was done. I had no idea where he was. He disappeared after he hit me . . . probably because now I had 2 angel blades and he was trying to work out a way to get his back. 

I tried to get to my hands and knees, but it hurt my side to put pressure on my hands. _Work through it. Get up you big baby . . .Yeah, thanks. You do know this is just training . . . Doesn’t feel like it . . . No, I guess not._ Finally, I managed to get a foot under me, while holding onto my left side with my right hand to give it some extra support. I was nearly up . . . mostly just trying to shake it off and ignore it when Cas reappeared. 

I wanted to let him know I needed a break . . . preferably until my ribs weren’t fucked, so I flipped his angel blade around, and offered the hilt to him. He walked up like he was going to take it, but instead picked me up by the jacket to get me to my feet and landed his mouth over mine while he healed whatever the hell he’d done to my ribs with that last hit. Whole new meaning to kiss it better. 

It wasn’t really intense or passionate. It was kind of sweet that he wanted to make me feel better this way, but I was all better now. _Cas, what are you doing?_

When he realized what he was doing, he quickly let go of my jacket, looked down and said, “I’m sorry, Beth. I should not have done that . . . I will go get Dean. You should talk to him,” before he disappeared and left me there.

I felt like shooting things after that, so I went to flip on the floodlight Bobby installed for me years ago. It still worked, except now I had to do some extra work to hook it up to the generator. I should have about an hour before it was lights out for the kids at 10. 

I hit the bullseye a few times and wondered if I should just turn the floodlight off. There was a full moon out. The light it gave off when reflecting off the snow was pretty illuminating. It’s why Cas and I had decided to do our training in it. It was harder and harder for me to find the time to do something like that during the day with teaching at the school, spending time with Rogue, and helping with hunter training. I should probably leave the floodlight on just in case any of the kids decided to investigate the sound of gunshots. 

Dean came up beside me, checked his magazine, and emptied it into the target. I followed his lead and emptied mine before reloading. He glanced at me and said, “Gotta ask . . . is it a Bears/Cubs kinda thing . . . two different teams, two different sports, but you’re a big fan of both?” I wasn’t expecting him to just launched right into it.

I sighed before going with his analogy, so I could explain without all the discomfort. “More like football/baseball . . . With football, whether the teams were good or bad, ones I liked or didn’t like . . . It didn’t matter. I watched all the games . . . knew everything about it . . . I made a lot of money on football after I got here because the passion I had for the sport is what helped me remember the scores . . . I never once placed a bet on baseball, not even on the Cubs . . . I followed their season records, but I didn’t watch every game. If one was on in a bar that didn’t involve the Cubs, and I happened to be watching, I’d support the underdog . . . I understood the sport and liked playing it and watching it in a stadium . . . went to plenty of home games when I lived near Chicago . . . I know you took Sam to a game, but it was before Lucky’s opened in Wrigleyville . . . If you never had the chance to go there, we should do the time spell, so you can. They had this food challenge . . . their sandwiches were –“ 

Dean cut me off with a snort. “Did you just forget what we were talkin’ about? Get caught up in a sandwich place that has nothing to do with baseball or football?” 

_Yeah, well I thought I got the point across before that, and they made great sandwiches._

Dean’s grin broadened at my thought before he licked his bottom lip. “Chicago style or –“ 

“Don’t even say New York . . . It is Chicago deep dish all the way. My loyalty to that belief is probably the real reason Death let me out of his lock up . . . What else ya got?” 

He relaxed even more after realizing that I’d stolen his line. “Thanksgiving or Christmas?” 

“Halloween actually.” Dean laughed and asked me why. “Candy, games, pretending to be someone else . . . parties . . . drinking . . . no pressure . . . except for the whole having to do more hunts on that day thing. I never had to meet Samhain, so I love that holiday . . . what else ya got?” 

He thought about it and asked, “Die Hard or Lethal Weapon?” 

I shook my head in mock disappointment. “You’re making this way too easy. Die Hard . . . keep ‘em coming.” 

“Colt or Smith & Wesson?” 

I looked at our guns and said, “I wonder. You can do better than that . . . what else ya got?” 

He leaned down and kissed me before he put an arm around me and gently pulled me closer. _This is where I belong._ Dean pulled back to put his forehead on mine and said, “Nothing will ever change for me,” before he licked his lips and added, “But . . . sometimes . . . I think maybe . . . you’ll go from football to baseball, and that’s all right . . . I can -“ 

“I still want you to have something that’s just for you.” 

Closing his eyes, he asked, “Why?” 

_Why what? Why do I want you to have me and know that I’m just yours?_

Keeping his eyes closed, Dean slowly shook his head at what I was thinking, took a deep breath, and said, “I already know what he means to you . . . I know he was the only good thing in your life up there . . . he was like your Sam . . . why me over that?” 

“You make me feel like everything I went through to find you was worth it . . . the isolation . . . the punishments . . . every second of my time up there . . . I’d go through it all again in a heartbeat if I knew you were on the other side of it.” 

He exhaled before he said, “Why do you say stuff like that to me?” 

_What stuff? You asked. I told you._

“Like one time you were asleep and said I was your home . . . and –“ 

“You are. Before the outbreak . . . Before Lucifer . . . Before Alistair . . . I used to think that as long as I slept next to you, home could be anywhere, but without you it was nowhere, and I still think that.” 

He kept his forehead on mine while he briefly glanced at me and then closed his eyes again. “Can’t just say it, huh?” 

_Can’t just say what?_

“You know how to say it a million different ways that always come out sounding better than three words.” 

“Yeah, but why would I say that about you when I love books and movies and my watch, but you mean more to me than any of those things? There is no word to describe what you mean to me . . . or at least there isn’t in any language that I know.” 

He smiled again briefly and said, “See . . . just did it again.” 

_Did I?_ He gave me a slight nod, but didn’t say anything for a couple of minutes before he sighed and readjusted his hold, so I could rest my head on his chest. It felt like he was holding onto me, so I wouldn’t be taken from him by anything. “Cas told me what happened. Said he wasn’t planning on it. It just happened . . . Did you really tell him it was sweet he was trying to kiss it better and then ask him what he was doing because you were already healed?” 

“In my head, I did.”

Dean was quiet for a few seconds before he said, “Well, that sucks . . . Guy finally gets some action, and that’s what he hears you thinking?” I leaned back to look at him, and he gave me a grin before he said, “What? Never really thought about Cas getting screwed over here, Devil Woman . . . If it happens again . . . find a better way to break it up than that.” 

“Better way than what?”

“You knew what he was doing . . . knew it wasn’t him trying to kiss you better . . . probably made him think he was doing it wrong . . . or was he? Is that-“ I unintentionally smirked. “That’s what I thought. You play dumb better than anyone I’ve ever met. Think you’ve even got yourself convinced you’re dumb on some things you aren’t just so you don’t have talk about them.”

“Whatever works.”

He smiled before touching his forehead to mine again and said, “Whatever works . . . that means I’m gonna have to be the one to talk to him about it, right?” 

“Well . . . it’s what he would do for you if you were having a problem with me, isn’t it?” 

Dean hesitated before his shoulders dropped. “Yeah, it’s what he has done for me . . . a few times. I’ll work it out.” 

_Thanks. It won’t happen again. I’ll be ready for it next time._

“I know . . . Did you really draw blood every time he got close before that?” I nodded. “I don’t know whether to be proud of you or pissed in his defense.” 

_I know. You’ll figure it out._


	32. Settling Into a New Way of Life

Dean took a beer from Sam as Sam came to sit next to him. The beer was one good thing about all this. The guiltier Cas felt, the more stuff he brought Dean to try and make up for it. “How’s that whole thing going?” Sam asked while they watched Cas and Beth train. 

It was intense. Every time they trained now it was like they were trying to kill each other. “Why do you think I’m chaperoning,” Dean answered while he popped the tab. 

“You can’t follow them around –“ 

“Cas asked me to step in if Beth didn’t catch that he was about to do something he shouldn’t.” 

Sam went back to watching them and said, “You mean like that?” 

Dean shook his head and grinned when Beth went from being pinned up against the shed wall by Cas and Cas looking like he wanted to get hot and heavy with her to her stabbing Cas in the arm to get him to focus on the training again. “Nah, she knows about stuff like that . . . more like . . . watch this . . . After somethin’ like that happens, she flips a switch and goes complete badass on Cas, so Cas can’t think of anything other than defending himself.” He paused while he admired Beth’s moves. She was a hell of a fighter . . . a hell of a lot better than he ever gave her credit for being when it came to them sparring, but then this wasn’t sparring. To him this felt like more of an actual fight she and Cas were having. 

He saw it coming and said, “Then Beth gets the upper hand when Cas gets turned on by something she does . . . He gets pissed off at himself . . . and loses control of his angel power . . . hurts her . . . yeah, see . . . broke her arm just now . . . and now to make it up to her he –“ Dean cut himself off to shout, “Don’t use your tongue to heal her.” Cas looked at him and took a deep breath before he touched his fingers to her forehead and they went back to their fight. 

“You know this is just foreplay, right? You’re okay with that?” Sam asked looking at him. 

It wasn’t really foreplay . . . at least not for Beth, and he was all right with it for the most part. It was entertaining until Cas hurt her, and then Dean got pissed off, or he did the first few times he watched them do this, but Cas fixed it straight away every time. As long as she wasn’t hurt for long, he’d gotten used to it, and maybe that was a good thing. He’d needed to learn how to back off on being overprotective of her after the last few months, and somehow the three of them were making this work the only way they really could. 

Dean didn’t say any of that though. He didn’t want to get into his love life with Sam. Instead, he drank some more beer before he said, “How’s Gadreel workin’ out?” 

Sam grinned and drank out of his can before he said, “He’s not as evolved as Cas is. I swear he’d kill Bambi if I told him not to let anything get through a perimeter. It takes the pressure off of me having to kill anything, but there is no build up or suspense to it now . . . It’s just go to a set of coordinates, and as soon as we get there, he goes and kills everything that isn’t human before I even have a chance to do anything. It doesn’t feel like I’m doing much good. I’m a glorified handler more than anything.” 

If Sam wanted to go through something hard to be redeemed, hunting was too easy. Staying here to help raise these kids was the hard thing to do. “Your teaching job’s still open . . . Kevin took over Math. Chuck took over English and is makin’ it less about boring punctuation and grammar and more about reading novels and stuff . . . and Cas is tryin’ to teach History. Watching him try to do that is hilarious, but uh . . . all those classes would be better off if you were the one teaching ‘em. The kids ask when you’re coming back all the time,” Dean responded before he winced in sympathy after Beth landed on her side on top of a couple of spare car parts laying around the place. 

Maybe they should find a better place for her and Cas to do this . . . Junkyard wasn’t the best place for it. Neither were the woods at the back, but then at least there, she could use the trees to her advantage and put something between her and Cas when she needed a breather. She was slow getting up . . . It looked like training was done for the day . . . or not. Looked like she was going to give Cas one more chance. 

“I want to stick with this for awhile. I need to prove to myself that I can. I wasn’t really making much of a difference here anyway. They’re all gonna grow up to become hunters,” Sam said looking down at the can in his hand. 

Dean thought Sam had gotten over the idea that being a hunter was a bad thing. It wasn’t. And 95% of these kids wouldn’t be hunters. Most of them were going to grow out of it once they saw what the life was really like. He’d say . . . Jenna would be a hunter, and Ty might stick it out for a few years, but Ty’s place was here at the camp taking care of the other kids. Dean would give it 5 years before they mostly stayed here and went on local hunts, because they were joined at the hip, and he couldn’t see one hunting without the other for long. Ben . . . Ben would become a hunter, but he’d stay local too, and there was no way that Ezra would become a hunter. 

“It’s not about makin’ sure they do or don’t become hunters, Sammy. It’s about giving them what they need no matter what they decide, and not as many of them will be hunters as you think.” 

Sam missed the point entirely and sighed. “I’m not sticking around. I’m just here until dinner, so I can catch up and then we’re heading to Montana. There might be a wendigo there.” 

He may not be doing much more than being an angel handler, but Sam sure seemed to be hitting it hard. He wasn’t wasting his time driving anywhere. He was just having Gadreel take him from hunt to hunt, so he’d cleared about 14 cases in 3 weeks. “You know, it’s funny. I thought you’d be the one out on the road, and I was the one that would stay here . . . thought that’s what you wanted too, but you haven’t left in a month, Dean.” 

The kids here needed him. They were his responsibility, so even though he wanted to be on the road more, he needed to see his responsibility here through. He’d come up with a compromise on it that made sure he did right by everyone. In 1 more week, January would be over, and then he, Beth, Cas, and Rogue would head out for a month . . . one month here. One month out there seemed fair. 

“Yeah, well . . . me and Carl have been working on shop classes. He’s doing woodworking. I’ve got auto repair, and I’m helpin’ Beth with her classes. In another week, we’re goin’ after those tablets Crowley hid, and after we get rid of the Death tablet, we’re goin’ after Eve . . . Then we’ll start lookin’ into getting what we need to kill the Leviathan in charge . . . like the blood from the Alpha vamp, and finding out who the new leader in Hell is . . . We’ll clean up what’s left of the Leviathan when they scatter . . . At the moment, Kansas says they’re in Georgia, and I think Beth was right . . . They’re cleaning up the Croats in the south just in time for that snow to start melting . . . crazy how things work sometimes.” 

Sam watched him and said, “But you’d rather be out there.” 

Dean got up from the step when he saw Beth take another hard knock and waited to see how bad it was. “Not really about what I want, Sam. It’s about doing the right thing, and the right thing is for me to follow through on my responsibility to those kids . . . sure hunting takes care of that too, cuz it gets rid of what’s out there, but it’s not all just about killing things anymore . . . it’s about making sure they have what they need, and if that’s me being here more often, that’s what I’m gonna do.” 

Dean didn’t think he could be any clearer on why he thought this was the job that Sam should be doing instead of going out there on hunts that he wasn’t even hunting on . . . Sam was just going on a vacation flying around from place to place and making sure Gadreel killed monsters and Gadreel saved people. Sure it had to be done, but making sure these kids grew up the right way was what Sam should be doing, because he was the one that wrecked their lives and their future. 

Sam still didn’t get it and muttered, “Still don’t get to go fishing . . . still sacrificing for everyone else.” 

Dean quickly looked down at him and said, “Doing the right thing means sacrificing sometimes, but this isn’t a sacrifice . . . You should see what Rogue’s been doing these last few weeks. I half think she’s reading our book with me now . . . or at least she’s memorized it, cuz when I point to ‘dead’, she says it before I can . . . Maybe Beth taught it to her to mess with me, but even if she did, I don’t really care, because it shows how smart she is if she could learn that . . . And I finally got her calling Beth, ‘Mom’ . . . And Cas’s room . . . he’s turned that bunker into a tropical paradise with big jungle plants and flowers and turtles. It’s like you’re in the Amazon except without the bugs. I told him he couldn’t have those . . . We’ve been having late night bonfires once a week with the kids, so Beth can finally get them to do star charts. It’s kinda of like New Year’s Eve with the grown ups drinking more than we should and the kids playing games in between them learning about the stars . . . Every other month we’re gonna have a poker tournament, so we can get all the hunters here at once instead of having them randomly stop by once in a while, but, uh . . . yeah . . . If I’m here, I’m not doing something I’ve always done . . . something I love doing, but if I’m out there . . . think I’ll miss bein’ here . . . long as I know I can still do both . . . It’s not a real sacrifice. The only sacrifice I’m making is not hunting with you.” 

Dean’s attention went back on Beth who was arguing with Cas now that she was back on her feet. She never argued with Cas. “Are you retiring, Dean? Cuz you know the world out there still needs you. You’re the one that’s the better hunter out of the two of us . . . Best hunter on the planet, right?” 

_I’m not just a hunter anymore._ Dean looked down at Sam again. “This place needs to be protected. Somebody needs to make sure these kids grow up to have the lives they want . . . And if they’re gonna be hunters, then I’m gonna make sure they’re ready, but if they don’t want to be hunters, I wanna make sure they’re ready for that too. You should be a part of that, but I get that you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do. Like I said, you’re job’s still waiting for you here when you wanna come back.” 

As soon as he was done with his little rant, he finally went to go see why Beth was stumbling around the place. Cas wouldn’t train with her anymore unless she let him heal her, and she wouldn’t let him heal her and still wanted to train, so that’s what they were arguing about. “First two times . . . 50/50 . . . this time all my fault,” she slurred when Dean got there and asked what was going on. 

“Cas, she doesn’t know what she’s talking about . . . heal it.” 

Beth put her hand on Dean’s arm. “How will I learn to fight with in-jur-ies . . . if I never have to learn to live with the con . . . se-quen-ces?” 

Dean sighed and shook his head while he put an arm around her and said, “Start by having an angel fix up your brain damage, so you can learn,” before he nodded at Cas to go ahead. As soon as she was healed, she wanted to go again. “Seriously, Beth, that was a TKO . . . I’m calling it. You can try to get him back tomorrow.” 

She looked away from him and muttered, “I’ll show you a fucking TKO,” which made him laugh and Cas say, “She does not like to fail.” 

“Then don’t fail her . . . she did good.” Maybe Cas shouldn’t teach history if he was going to fail all the kids. 

Cas shook his head. “Historical knowledge is not something that one needs to survive. It is not as important to make sure someone learns the lesson.” Then he looked at Beth to counter what she was going to say and added, “Although . . . yes, strategic battles may be useful to learn.” 

That’s what this was? Cas was upping the training by throwing everything at her the way the things they hunted did, so she could handle anything they hunted? Cas looked at him and gave him a slight nod. She was already a good hunter . . . Dean didn’t really know why she needed to train so hard every day on this, but if it meant she was ready for anything they came across in the future, it wasn’t a bad thing. There were still a lot of things they’d never heard of out there. 

It was Cas’s way of taking care of her in a way Dean couldn’t . . . half the things she was doing to Cas would kill him, and half the things Cas was doing to her were things Dean couldn’t, like fly or have super human strength. It made Dean feel a hell of a lot better. Kept him from thinking that it was something Cas was using as foreplay, and Beth was going along with for whatever reason. 

“No, what you were thinking this was is not my intention. I just find the training . . . arousing,” Cas answered. 

Dean snorted and looked away from him with the shake of his head. Just couldn’t leave it at that. “Yeah, well . . . it’s that way with all of us when we’re sparring with someone we think is attractive,” Dean said with a grin. “Bump her up to a ‘C’ and well call it quits.” 

Cas looked at Beth and said, “She thinks that a ‘C’ is failing.” Right. Beth had a thing with getting perfect grades. 

“An ‘A’ for effort then. Sam’s not gonna be here for long, and you should fill him in on what you’ve been teaching in History . . . see if he has any ideas on how to make it better.” 

Cas disappeared to go find Sam, and Dean started guiding Beth back to the house. When they were half way there, he looked down at her. “Maybe tomorrow I could join in . . . if that’s what you guys are doing.” Be good for him to train like that . . . He hadn’t done training that was actual training since he was a kid. 

Beth grinned while she looked up at him and said, “Sure. Might be kind of good to see you get your ass kicked for a change . . . just remember not to kill him. That’s the hard part when you get in the zone.” Should be interesting.


	33. A Real Boy

Beth laughed when she came down to get Castiel for their training after dinner. Dean told him to put the tie around his head when he was meditating . . . for humorous reasons. Apparently it was something humans found funny. “Come on, Rambo . . . we’ve got training.” 

Dean said something about Rambo too. Castiel would ask them about it after training. This time of day is what he looked forward to the most these days. He was looking forward to today’s training even more now that Dean was participating. He wanted to make sure neither one of them died again . . . at least not for a while. 

All humans died, but he wanted to spend as much time as he could with them while they were alive. This was his way of doing that. Castiel was finding the idea of their mortality more and more unsettling as time went on. He knew that he could just go to Heaven to be with them when their time on Earth was over, but there was something about their vitality and zest for life while they were living that he wanted to continue for as long as possible.

This would be good training for him as well. Training with two was more challenging than training with one. Often times, there were more than one foe for him to engage. This would help him prepare for that, and it would not allow him time to be carried away by any feelings he may have for Beth if he had to also be concerned with what Dean was doing. Actually, Dean was the more challenging of the two. Dean had experience, and he had tackled much bigger opponents than Castiel in the past. Dean killed Michael a month ago. Perhaps most of his attention should be on Dean.

Dean told him he was ready when, ‘Cas,’ was, so Castiel disappeared. In response, Beth and Dean both turned, so that their backs could be protected by one another. Castiel went to Beth’s side first. Beth shouted, “Down,” before she ducked as Castiel swung his blade. Dean fell to the ground, and Beth jumped back over Dean to keep from being cut as Castiel reversed his swing. 

Dean anticipated Castiel’s next move and rolled in time not to be stabbed before he found his footing and engaged Castiel from the side. Before Beth could move into position on the other side of him, Castiel blocked one of Dean’s advances as he put his arm out to fling Beth back, so he could turn his efforts on Dean once again. “Do not be afraid to hurt me. You can do better, Dean.” 

Castiel kicked him away and turned to face off against Beth. Dean landed in a roll and was back on his feet. Castiel blocked and dodged Beth’s movement, but kept his awareness on Dean and as such was prepared when Dean engaged with him as well. He blocked both of their advances until Beth cut his side. Retaliating with a punch to her chest, he turned to focus on Dean once more. 

Castiel had not trained with Dean until now. Dean was fast, and he was stronger than Beth. He was good at anticipating what Castiel’s moves would be and countered all of them. At the end of their exchange, Castiel still got a swipe in on Dean, at roughly the same time that Beth also cut his back, and then he heard her say, “That’s what Zachariah did to you. You cannot forget about the weaker opponent, Cas. It’s what got you killed the last time.”

Maybe she was right. That had been his weakness in that battle. Castiel disappeared and allowed them to regroup. This time when he appeared, he attacked Dean from the side and landed a punch that sent Dean flying. Now his focus went to engaging with Beth. She was fluid in her movements and agile on her feet. She had improved a great deal from when he first met her and also in the last week. 

Picking her up with his angelic powers, Castiel threw her just before Dean got to him, and then he turned to kick Dean again. “You must work together more. It should be more difficult for me to fight against both of you, not easier.” 

If they were in the midst of a hunt, they would work together, so that is what they needed to do now. “You want us to hunt you?” Dean asked. 

“I want the two of you to fight against me the way you fought getting away from the Devil’s Gate . . . I need to see you at your best.” 

Dean glanced at Beth to see if Castiel was being serious, and Beth nodded, so Dean looked at Castiel again. “We can do it, but –“ 

Castiel stopped Dean’s conversation by advancing on him unexpectedly, which resulted in another cut to Dean’s arm before Castiel disappeared and ended up behind Dean, so he could cut him again and fling him against a tree. “I can be a danger to you, Dean. Fight like I am.”   
Dean used the tree to stand. Dean knew what they were supposed to be doing on an intellectual level, but it was difficult for Dean to get into this mindset with him . . . even moreso than it had been with Beth, which Castiel did not expect. 

He disappeared again, and Dean went to stand back to back with Beth again. This time when Castiel made himself visible, he attacked them both. Dean blocked left, then right, at the same time Beth blocked right and then ducked, so Dean could engage with Castiel more fully, or no . . . she bent down to slice across Castiel’s leg and give Dean the opening he needed to go on the attack with more force until Beth rolled behind Castiel’s legs, and he fell over the back of her. Beth scrambled up to give him the cut on his chest that Dean refused to give. Castiel had nearly flown away in time, but nearly wasn’t good enough. 

He went invisible again, and Dean said, “Seriously, Beth . . . what the hell are we doing?” 

Beth stayed aware of her surroundings. “We’re helping him. It’s not just about him training us. We want to keep him with us as long as we can. That thing I said about Zachariah is what got him killed when we trapped Michael . . . and a lot of the things I do . . . they’re things that have worked when I’ve killed other angels. He needs to know how to be better than them and better than he’s been in the past. If he gets a cut, it helps him remember.” 

“Yeah, but he can’t heal himself the way he heals us . . . it feels wrong,” Dean answered. Castiel waited. He wanted them both in agreement before he decided to show himself again. 

Beth sighed and said, “I know. He’s our friend. It’s not easy to go all out the way you would against a monster and still have the control it takes not to hurt him much, but he can heal fast enough . . . much faster than us. It’ll be gone by tonight.” Then she focused her thoughts to Castiel. It was an interesting theory. If he used more force with her, Dean would not be able to refrain from having his protective instincts for her come to the surface. Dean would be at his best. So, that’s what Castiel did.

He was more forceful with her and kept an eye on what Dean was doing in his attacks while he was. After he punched Beth hard, knowing he’d caused damage and more when she landed against a tree, Dean reacted instinctively against him. It was better than any of Dean’s previous attempts. 

Castiel prevented Dean from being able to check on Beth, and that was when he got a few swift cuts across the chest, side, and arm. “Get the fuck outta my way, Cas.” 

“If this happened on a hunt, what would you do?” 

Dean’s jaw set while he glared at him. “I’d kill you.” 

“To get to her, you must go through me . . . the monsters you fight would not let you go check on her, and neither will I. You must prepare for all eventualities when you are hunting. To keep her safe . . . to help her in a situation like this . . . you must be prepared . . . and no . . . she is not okay. I have fractured her ribs again and punctured one of her lungs.” 

Dean circled him and said, “How could you do that to her? If you care about her so much . . . how could you do something like that?” 

“Because I care . . . and I will heal it . . . but she needs to learn not to allow herself to be hit that way, and you need to learn to do whatever it takes to get to her no matter what obstacle stands in your way.” 

Dean looked down while he nodded and said, “Guess that’s lesson learned,” before he pulled out his zippo, lit it, and threw it on the ground into the trail of holy oil he’d poured around Castiel. That was another lesson Castiel could take away from this. He needed to learn how not to let that happen. He’d been distracted by Dean’s conversation with him and did not pay attention to what Dean was doing. 

When Dean got to Beth, she looked up at him, but couldn’t talk, and Dean couldn’t move her for fear of doing more damage. “Did you tell him to do this?” Dean asked brushing the hair out of her face. 

She nodded, and Dean relaxed before he glanced over his shoulder at Castiel and looked back down at her. “So, I have to let him out?” 

She gave Dean a faint smile and thought, _‘Yeah . . . not a good idea to lock up our medical team when we’re on a hunt, but good thinking for this . . . all of our training sessions, and I haven’t thought of doing that once.’_

Dean rolled his eyes and came back over to Castiel, so he could kick snow over the flames. “So this thing you’re doing, you want us both to be better if you’re not around . . . That’s what you mean?” 

Castiel nodded, but before Dean could ask why he wouldn’t be around, Castiel said, “That is why I must be better too.” 

The understanding of what he meant hit Dean, and Dean nodded while he ducked his head and said, “All right. I get it . . . I won’t hold back, and, uh . . . what’s a chick gotta do around here to be able to breathe?” so Castiel went to heal Beth. 

“I am sorry, Beth. I did not mean to make you wait quite so long or to hit you so hard,” Castiel said when she sat up. 

“That’s all right . . . holy oil’s a good one to plan for . . . for all of us . . . especially since it looks like Dean carries it on him all the time.”

After their training session that went much better after that, Castiel asked them about Rambo. They looked at each other and grinned before Dean asked Beth if she wanted to set it up or put Rogue down for the night. Castiel said that he would take care of Rogue for them if they wanted, and they agreed before they went to set up whatever it was that they were going to set up. 

Castiel didn’t read to Rogue the way Dean, Beth, and Sam did. He told her stories from when he was younger. Sometimes they were stories about Heaven or stories from before there was a Heaven. They were word of mouth stories or times when he was in battle or places he’d gone with Balthazar. Occasionally, he told her a story from when he was stationed on Earth in earlier times . . . stories that he’d heard humans tell that had stuck with him. 

Tonight he told his goddaughter a newer story he’d read in one of the books Chuck had given to the smaller children for their English class. It resonated with him. When he finished, she was asleep. He made sure that she was not in any pain even as she slept from the teeth that were coming through. Humans were remarkable. This child had changed so much from when he’d delivered her. “You wanna be a real boy, Cas?” 

Castiel looked up at Dean standing in the doorway. He wondered how long Dean had been there. He took one more look at his goddaughter before he left and said, “I am an angel . . . I used to think I knew what that meant. I did not. My memories of my time being an angel were altered each time that I was reprogrammed. I was made to be what they thought I should be instead of being allowed to be the way that I was created . . . I have lost my faith in angels. I feel like I belong here after a long time of not belonging anywhere. I look at your daughter, and I feel a profound bond with her and like she is related to me, because she is yours and I feel as though you are my brother . . . I already felt that way, but it is different when you feel things as an angel and when you feel them as a human. But I’m not human either . . . I am different than angels, and I am different than you. I don’t know what that makes me.” 

Dean glanced at him as they walked through the hallway and said, “Being different’s not a bad thing . . . If it was then what they did in Heaven to try and make you like the rest of them wouldn’t have been wrong. To us you’re just Cas . . . a nerdy . . . badass angel that knows when to do the right thing. Don’t change for us . . . You’re an angel. Be proud of bein’ an angel. I’m a hunter, and I’m proud of bein’ a hunter. It’s what we are, but it’s not who we are. And it doesn’t change that we’re still family . . . You ready to watch Rambo?”

“That man had severe psychological problems,” Castiel said when the movie was over. 

“Yes, well . . . PTSD . . . post-traumatic stress disorder . . . people that have undergone traumatic experiences get it. He turns it around and uses his experience for good in the other movies,” Beth answered. _Like Dean and Beth?_

Dean laughed and said, “Don’t look at us like that. When was the last time you saw either one of us . . . wait don’t answer that. Beth did blow up the Wisconsin camp after she saw what they did to you.” 

Beth took the DVD out of the player and muttered, “I think you were planning on doing something pretty similar to what I did, but I beat you to it.” 

Dean smiled. “I’m all right with being compared to Rambo . . . and those dickhead cops deserved what they got . . . same as the camp in Wisconsin. Just didn’t want Cas to say psychological problems and think of us straight away.” 

Living with them like this was interesting. He got to see the human side of them more often . . . the reason behind their bonds and the reason they fought so hard for one another stemmed from what they felt for one another at all times, but these times . . . the times when they were relaxed . . . these were the times that they fought for the hardest. 

Dean and Beth went to go up to their room a little while later, and Castiel told them goodnight before going to his room. It was a shame he couldn’t have insects in here. They were fascinating creatures. Perhaps butterflies would be acceptable. They spent their whole lives preparing for a couple of days when their true beauty was realized, and then they died. 

He felt like he identified with butterflies. He would ask Dean about adding them tomorrow. Or maybe ants if he got one of those ant farms that the kids were telling him about in his history class today. Ants were like angels. They were industrious and hard working, and they did everything for their leader without question, but they were not sentient, like angels. He liked ants better than angels at the moment. 

“Hey, Cas. Dean said you might want to talk.” They were both good at their job. They had both caught him unaware tonight. Castiel didn’t know why Dean thought that he would want her to talk, so he sat down while he waited for her to explain. Beth sat next to him and said, “Something about not being sure of your place in the . . . universe.” 

Oh, that. Humans felt the need to discuss such matters until they could be fixed. There was nothing to fix. It was what it was, and what Dean said earlier had given him much to ponder. He didn’t think that he wanted to talk to Beth about that, so he said nothing. It was not that she would not understand, but that she would understand too well, and she looked beautiful . . . her soul had begun to shine bright again for the first time since he’d taken her memories. 

It had dimmed somewhat until she remembered her time in Heaven, and then it was caught in a constant state of turmoil with the pain and sadness she recounted. Since he’d woken up, her soul had been bright, and she was rebuilding it again, which always fascinated him. He also liked her in the shirt she was wearing. It matched her eyes. She already tempted him. He did not want to be tempted any further by hearing her say that they were the same.

“Dean was right. It’s roasting down here,” Beth said to break the silence, before she started to look around his room. She had not been down here since he’d started decorating it. 

“It is at the temperature that the plants require to survive.” 

Beth smiled and said, “I know . . . I’m curious about where you pulled the heat from to get it to this temperature. I’m also curious about how you did it for the orchids you have glassed up . . . I’m assuming they’re each set to a temperature that’s perfect for them too.” 

She was right. The heat had to come from somewhere, because it could not be created from nothing. He wanted to talk about the orchids more though. “Yes, they require more care.” 

“Do you know what they’ll look like when they flower . . . or when they’ll flower?” 

He looked at them and said, “That one is a Vanilla Planifolia. It should flower in about 6 weeks if I maintain the correct light and keep it watered.” 

Beth walked over to it. “Vanilla? It’ll grow fast. You’ll have to trim it back.” He knew. Being able to decide which branches to cut was part of the reason he’d selected it. Making decisions on even something like that would not have been allowed in Heaven. “And this one?” she asked going to the next case. 

“It is a Dendrobium Anosmum . . . 5 months . . . the one next to it is a Brassavola and will flower at the start of next winter.” 

She smiled as she looked at that one. “A lady of the night . . . They’re supposed to smell really nice . . . And this one?” 

Castiel admired it even without the blooms and said, “Encyclia . . . It should flower in about 3 months. The other one is a Phragmipedium. It requires different care than the others. It needs more water. The last one is a Psychopsis, or as some call them the ‘The Butterfly orchid. It will bloom for a number of months when it begins . . . Do you think Dean would allow me to have butterflies?” 

“Who doesn’t like a good butterfly? I’m sure he’d probably be all right with those. Some of them require as much care as these orchids as far as temperatures go. Nice job down here . . . I really like all the colors, and I’m sure when these bloom, it’ll be even better. Tell me about the fish.” 

Castiel stood to go to his fish tank and said, “These are gold gouramis . . . Those two have had a disagreement, and this is a rainbow shark. He and the catfish are friends. The zebra fish are placid and do not have any disagreements. The snail is . . . grumpy. The red, green, and spotted fish are swordtail fish . . . That green one is not feeling well, so the others are giving it space.” 

Beth smiled again and watched as he pointed to each of the fish. When he was done, she glanced up at him and said, “You know what my all-time favorite fish are? You have to keep them separate or they fight, and other fish tend to eat their tail fins. You keep them in bowls with water plants on top, and they’re pretty easy to take care of . . . but I love beta splendens . . . Siamese fighting fish –“ 

Castiel made a fast trip around the world and got what she said he’d need to care for one before he found one, came back with it a minute later, and set it on the table next to the other aquarium. Then he bent down to have a closer look at it. It was a beautiful fish . . . very elegant. He wondered why it fought with the others. 

“I didn’t mean you had to go get one right now.” Beth took a long look at the fish before she looked up at Castiel and added, “but it looks good . . . good choice.” She always did that. When he’d done something she hadn’t intended for him to do, she told him, but she praised him afterwards. 

“I was looking for something to put here,” he answered before standing to go back over to his bed. He would study it later when everyone else was asleep. 

She sat down next to him again and said, “You know when I was in Heaven. I knew I was different. I wasn’t like the humans I saw, and I wasn’t like the angels. I used to feel like I was nothing . . . you don’t feel like that, do you?” 

Castiel watched his new fish and shook his head. “No . . . I know I’m something. I’m an angel with a family and a home, but not one for which I was intended . . . or at least not one for which my siblings would think that I’m intended, but I think that I was. Maybe my life as an angel was in preparation for me being sent on that mission to Hell to retrieve Dean . . . Maybe I was made the way that I am, so that I could break free from those constraints that bind other angels to help in the fight against the Apocalypse and help in the fight to save humanity now that it has been severely reduced.” 

Beth looked down at her hands and said, “Like a butterfly? Having a purpose doesn’t mean that you’re not lonely . . . that you don’t feel –“ 

“Angels don’t get lonely.” She always said angels were lonely . . . or she said he was. 

“Being lonely isn’t a weakness. You could be in a crowded room and feel lonely. It’s not the same thing as being alone, and I know you’re not alone.” 

It looked like he had a lot to ponder tonight between what Dean had said and what she was saying and while he got to know his new fish. “You should go.” 

Sighing, Beth said, “You keep doing that. You keep telling me I should go or are staying as far away from me as possible unless we’re training . . . sometimes I think the only time you can be near me is when you’re kicking my ass.”

“I should not have –“

“Yeah, well, I shouldn’t have let Dean deal with it . . . or at least not all of it. Maybe you need to hear from me that what you mean to me hasn’t changed . . . I don’t want to lose you, but I feel like I already have . . . You know when I was in Heaven –“

“I was the light that guided you home.” Maybe he should remind her of that.

“Yeah, you were, but . . . you wanna know why I did all the things I did to try and keep you from being reprogrammed even though what I did never seemed to help for very long if at all?”

He actually did, so he nodded.

“Because . . . if you were the only good thing I ever saw –“

“It helped you keep fighting.”

She smiled before she licked her lips and looked at him. “I know what I said, I’m trying to tell you something else. I was up there for 29 years. A 30 second speech doesn’t cover all of it.” He nodded to let her know he wouldn’t interrupt her again, so she said, “I needed you to stay good, to stay the way you were, because when I saw you, it let me know that what was being done to me was evil . . . the older I got, the more I thought that I deserved what was happening to me, and that it was being done, because I was the one who was evil, but then I’d see you and would know that what they were doing was wrong. It helped right my moral compass, so I knew what right and wrong was, Cas . . . because sometimes I would forget, and it felt like I couldn’t forget, or I’d lose myself.”

“Justice is one of the two strongest parts of your soul. Without that –“

Beth nodded, so Castiel gave her a hug and said, “I didn’t just help you fight. I helped your soul stay strong enough to survive?” 

“Yeah, Cas . . . Whether or not you like angels very much right now because of the metamorphosis you went through or because of the civil war or what happened to me or because . . . underneath all you’re afraid that you’ll be like them . . . You’ll always be you. The number of times Naomi’s reprogramming didn’t stick was in the 30s or 40s, and that’s what I know about. Nothing she did could ever change the real you . . . And she tried.”

He’d really needed to hear that. “Can you ask Dean if I can have an ant farm too?” 

Beth laughed before she sat back and said, “Yeah, Cas . . . I’ll ask. Pretty sure as long as they don't get out, he won’t have a problem with it. He’ll probably put a limit on the number of butterflies . . . maybe something like 50, so we don’t have 1000s of them flying around here.”

“50 of each kind?” 

Beth smirked, like she thought he was trying to be devious, and said, “I guess it depends on how many kinds and if they’ll be hatching from their cocoons at the same time or spaced out like the orchids will be with their flowering . . . maybe see if you can find pictures of them first to show him . . . but you’re going to have to figure out what you’re going to do when they all die. That’s a lot of dead butterfly bodies around the place.” 

He needed to put more research into it to show he was going to be responsible for them. He could do that, so he gave Beth a nod to let her know he would, and she stood to go. He felt like he had one last thing he needed to say before she went to bed. “I won’t abandon you. I’m sorry if I have made you feel, like you have lost me. I’ll do better, Beth.”


	34. Coming Home

Sam stood in the dark in the middle of another hunt. Hunt wasn’t exactly the right word for it. He stood in the dark and kicked a rock while he waited for Gadreel to get back. As soon as they’d gotten here, Gadreel took off and left Sam standing in the woods, while he went to confront the djinn that were living in the area. There were still plenty of normal monsters out here, monsters that he wanted to start interrogating for intel on Eve and her plans or the way her organization was built. 

He’d told Gadreel to bring one back before they got here, and Gadreel did everything he said, so he should. Sam thought that when he did, it’d be the first living monster he’d seen in . . . well, since the changelings, unless the daveas counted. He was more inclined to put them in the demon category . . . primal demons, but demons. He was thinking about monsters for the time being, not demons. _God, this is boring._

Gadreel came back about 40 minutes later with a woman, man, and a little boy before he disappeared again. Sam grabbed the things he needed from his bag after a brief introduction and gave them an explanation on the tests he was going to do. Gadreel should know whether they were monsters or not and what kind of monsters they were, the same way Cas did, but Gadreel had been imprisoned during the rise of most monster species, so he was still learning.   
Ah, whom was he kidding? These were people. Mostly, he just wanted something to do. 

Sam grabbed the silver and Borax first. Squirt gun for the borax solution he’d mixed up . . . no reaction other than some odd looks from the people after he sprayed them with it. He could get closer with the silver test, so he tossed the man a silver bullet to catch and waited with his silver dagger to see if the man acted like it burned. It didn’t, so he had the man toss it to the woman and then the woman to the boy. There were no marks when they raised their hands to show him that it hadn’t actually burnt them. On with the rest of the tests, he guessed. They passed them all. This was so boring.

“Would you rather: fish, farm, sew, work in a bakery, hunt game or become part of a military unit that is training as a second line of defense against the monster armies that are forming out there?” Sam asked while they waited. The Wisconsin camp was still fairly innocent. Maybe the ones in the main camp weren’t, but the outposts were, and Bobby was fed up with the main camp. They stopped listening to him and wouldn’t let in any newcomers, so all the people that were taken there went to the outposts . . . Bobby had moved into the abandoned farm that was left, so he could keep an eye on things, but for the most part, he’d stepped back as the leader of the Wisconsin camp. Sam thought the place in Wisconsin would make an interesting study in sociology, because of the inner workings of each of the communities living side by side and needing one another to survive. He wondered if given enough time, whether minor wars would erupt between the outposts over resources. It was a feudal society after all. 

The Kansas camp was where the people that could become a problem went. If they looked like they’d had a hand in killing anyone so they could survive, or if they looked like they acted as monster pets that let the monsters feed on them . . . they all went to Kansas. Tom had a military psychologist in his mix of werewolves that was dealing with them, and according to Tom, giving them a structured routine seemed to help. Maybe it would improve their loyalty to be a part of something like that. Sam didn’t know. His faith in other humans was being tested at the moment. He’d had to send all of the survivors he’d found in the last couple of weeks to Kansas. 

“What’s the first line of defense?” the man asked breaking Sam from his thoughts. 

“Hunters . . . like me . . . there’s a network of us that have been fighting against monsters since long before the outbreak.” 

“Some first line of defense . . . haven’t really done that good of a job have you?” the woman responded bitterly. 

“We’re humans. We couldn’t account for any and all eventualities . . . If it weren’t for my brother and the other hunters that are out there right now nobody would be alive. As it stands, we have three camps . . . and around 7800 people.” Sam found it annoying. He knew he was actually the one that made the world the way it was, and he definitely wasn’t telling them that, but Dean and the other hunters . . . they’d done an outstanding job, and he’d defend them to people like this any time he had the chance. 

“What are you willing to trade us for the kid,” the woman asked after she and the man talked it over. 

_What?_ He’d thought they were picking a camp. “Isn’t he yours?” 

“Look, there are a lot of things out there that a kid will buy you . . . Don’t know what the hell that thing that brought us to you is . . . seemed strong enough, but there’s always something bigger out there . . . You let us go, and you can have the kid, but we want something from you . . . since you’re the first line of defense and all, we figure you were more prepared than most and have more to give.” 

Sam tried to temper the anger he felt. There were times when he was angry with himself because he’d set the world on this path, but this wasn’t one of those times. There was only so much responsibility he could take, and he didn’t make people like this. This was all on the people that made these kinds of deals and . . . yeah, he’d sold kids to monsters the way these people were suggesting . . . but he’d been drinking gallons of demon blood at the time. These people weren’t. He was supposed to take people like this to Kansas, but he wasn’t going to do that. He knelt down to look at the boy and asked, “How long have you been with them?” 

The boy glanced at both of them before answering. “Since the start of October.” 

_Almost 4 1/2 months? These people have been at least marginally taking care of this kid on a day to day basis for that long, and they’re perfectly willing to sell him off to just anyone?_ “What’s your name?” 

The boy rubbed the back of his sleeve against his nose to scratch an itch and said, “Sam.” 

Sam gave him a friendly smile. “Hey, that’s my name too. Where’d they find you, Sam?” 

The boy watched him to see if he was being sincere. “I think they traded for me just outside Chicago.” 

Sam eyes narrowed slightly in confusion. “Traded for you? Who’d they trade with . . . and where were you before that?” 

“I’ve had a few owners.” 

_Owners?_ “How’d the first one find you?” 

The boy looked down and said, “Me and my brother . . . we were hiding out in an apartment after our parents got sick. Some men came. We thought they were there to help, but they said we had to earn our keep and made us cook and clean for them. They wouldn’t call us by our names . . . just Boy 1 and Boy 2. They said that we were eating too much food, but we weren’t . . . My brother gave me his food most of the time, because we didn’t get very much. Then one day they said we were going on a trip, and they took us to somewhere . . . The men wanted to give me to the monster behind a desk, so it’d give them 5 boxes of food. My brother kicked the man that was holding me and told me to run, so I did, but the men found me again anyway. They had 5 boxes of food, and my brother was gone. They said they would hold onto me until they ran out. I tried to run away again, but they always found me, and then they traded me to other men for guns, and those men traded me for two smaller kids, and I can’t remember who had me next . . . Like I said, I’ve had a lot of owners.”

Sam was speechless. It was a deep, punched in the gut, kind of shock followed quickly by anger. “Your brother . . . he was older than you?” 

The little boy looked at him and teared up slightly before he changed his expression, so no emotion would get through and nodded. “How’d you know?” 

“Because I have a big brother too. He would’ve done the same thing to protect me.” At that, the boy couldn’t quite control his emotions as well as he wanted, and his bottom lip trembled before he took a deep breath to try and get that control back. 

Sam asked him what his brother’s name was, and a tear rolled down the boy’s face. “You’re the first person to ask me that, since we were taken . . . Jeremy . . . My brother’s name was Jeremy.” 

Giving him an understanding nod, Sam said, “Well, Sam . . . You’re not being traded . . . I’m not giving them anything for you . . . not because you’re not worth anything, but because you are not something to be traded. I’m just going to take you to a place where you’ll be safe and where there are a lot of other kids that will know what you’re going through.” 

“Now hold on a second –“ 

The man stopped when Sam stood to look him. “Gadreel . . . just smite the djinn and bring the body here.” Gadreel was there in a couple of seconds and dropped the djinn’s body on the ground. Its eyes were still smoking, which fit with Sam’s plans perfectly. The man and woman took a step back from it in horror, and Sam said, “Gadreel is an angel. An honest to God angel, he’s an angel that likes to smite things like he did this djinn . . . He’ll smite anything I tell him to smite. You and me are gonna have a chat . . . And you’re gonna tell me every place you know of that buys and sells other humans, whether its to monsters or other people . . . If you do that, I might let you walk away.” The man turned to run, and Sam told Gadreel to grab him and bring him back. It didn’t take long, and it proved to both of them that they couldn’t get away.

After they told him everything they knew, Sam did let them walk away, and he and Gadreel took the boy with them to South Dakota. That boy needed the kids at the camp. The kids in the camp would take him under their wing better than the kids at any of the other camps. Kid Sam was only about 8 or 9, so he’d fit in with the younger kids that the teens all parented.

Sam had heard from Dean that Ben was the welcoming committee for kids, but he hadn’t actually seen Ben in action, because they hadn’t taken on any new kids while they’d been here. It didn’t look like Ben was out of practice though, because Ben was the first one there to greet the kid. One of the other kids said, “He didn’t sell any other kids out, did he?” 

Sam didn’t actually know, so he looked at the boy, and the boy teared up again. “My brother . . . I sold out my brother . . . He helped me get away from the monsters, and I didn’t go back to help him.” That’s not what the other kids had meant. 

Ben bent down to look the boy in the eye and said, “That’s not selling your brother out. Your brother wanted you to live so much that he gave his life, so you could. My Mom killed herself, so I could live too . . . Most of us have had someone sacrifice themselves for us . . . It’s why we do what we do. We train to be hunters, so we can fight for other people . . . to make sure other brothers and sisters and moms and dads don’t have to sacrifice their lives for anyone else.” 

The boy wiped his face with his sleeve and mumbled, “But I’m too small. I’ve always been too small. I can’t fight for anyone.” 

Ben gave the little boy a warm smile and said, “You’re small now, but you’ll grow . . . And that’s why we let the adult hunters around here train us and keep us safe until we’re big enough to hunt the way they do and can help protect them . . . And we’ve got a school here. Not everyone has to be a hunter when they get older . . . just some of us, but all of us know that we will always have one another’s back. We could move to different parts of the country, and we’ll know that if we ever need help with anything, the others will be there no matter what . . . Even if they’re not hunters, they’ll still have the skills to have our backs, and you will too.” 

After the boy nodded, Ben gave Sam a look to get the go ahead on showing him around, so Sam told him he could, and Ben started to walk off with him saying, “So, let’s find you a cabin to sleep in that’s got some room, and then I’ll show you the school and …“ 

Watching the whole exchange, it finally struck Sam. These kids weren’t just going to grow up to be good hunters. They were going to grow up to be good people, and the world was in short supply of good people at the moment. The fact that there were humans trading other people . . . he knew he’d done it, but he’d been evil at the time, and seeing it from this side of things, he thought two things about it. 

One, he had no idea how Dean could ever be in the same room as him after he did something like this. Something like this was unforgivable. Imagining what that boy had been through, he pictured his own childhood, and Dean would’ve done the exact same thing that Jeremy had done for his little brother. If he and Dean were growing up now, he would’ve lost Dean the same way, and just thinking about that was devastating. 

The second was that Dean was right about these kids. The world needed these kids. They were good, and even if they became hunters, they wanted to hunt for the right reasons . . . reasons that Dean had always given for why he hunted. Dean and even him were having a profound effect on these kids’ lives. They were making sure these kids stayed good, and that’s why Dean was staying here so much. 

It was important to make sure these kids had that emotional support, adult supervision, and a reward for being the good people they were by doing things, like having bonfires with their . . . for all intents and purposes parental figures. After seeing so much ugliness out there in the world that came in human faces, this was a battle that was a lot harder to fight and took longer, but it was one that couldn’t be lost. 

Sam was also thinking that he knew the person with the right skill set to give the information he’d found out about tonight. Was it right to get rid of the dead wood? Maybe not literally . . . He did know that it hadn’t felt right letting those two people go tonight. They were just going to go out there and find more people to enslave, so they could save themselves. 

It was a different world . . . one he’d created, but it was one that he wanted to set right again, and sometimes that meant handing the things like this off to the right people to make sure the job got done the right way. Maybe he was growing. Maybe he didn’t think he had to do it all himself or that his way was the only way right way. “So, we’re staying,” Gadreel asked as they walked towards the house. “

"Yeah, we’re staying. Dean and Beth are out with Cas, but this place needs us to stick around, and we’ll find a job for you to do here. Maybe stay out of Cas’s room. I know he’s got it set up the way he wants it. He can show it to you when he gets back, and we’ll find somewhere to put you if you want, or I know you don’t like enclosed places, so maybe you could just stay out at night and look at the stars. There’s a kid here . . . Ezra, he goes out and looks at the North Star every night . . . Maybe you could keep him company or make sure no monsters get through our wards if you want. I’ll let you decide. I know you’re not used to making choices, but maybe you could start on something small like what kind of job you want to have around here . . . could be anything, even cooking if you wanted,” Sam said as they walked up the stairs. 

This felt right. He’d still hunt, but he’d maybe do it the way Dean was doing it. One month here . . . one month out there, but he wanted to hunt with Dean on the next rotation, so he’d be here for a while. 6 weeks, or that was the plan.


	35. Human Monsters

“I know what I want to do . . . You ready,” I asked Cas while we staked out the first . . . trading depot. That’s what I’d decided to call them to keep the places that were set up by humans for humans separate from the places that traded people to monsters. Sam told Dean and I about it after we got back. After some negotiating with Dean, I went back out, and he stayed at the camp with Sam, so he could keep his word to the kids that he’d be there every other month. 

We weren’t doing rotations the way we did in Wisconsin with the supply runs. This was a special case. Neither one of us wanted to go back to just seeing each other for a day or two before the other one headed out anymore. His concession was that if he wasn’t with me, Cas had to be, and I thought that if I had Cas, I’d have a better success rate, so I was happy with that. “You want me to act human?” 

I looked at Cas and said, “Well, you’re in a vessel, so you look human. You don’t have to act any way to be human . . . just be yourself without the flying and fighting and follow my lead.” He gave me a nod and disappeared for a minute before he came back wearing something different. 

Since we’d gone out with Dean to hunt down the tablets, Cas wore his trench coat over hunter clothes, so he was an angel that was a hunter, or that’s what he said . . . Now he apparently decided that messed up hair, sunglasses, and his new jacket would help him look more human . . . It made him look like a badass . . . Actually kind of made him look like he’d be a good bad guy in a movie . . . a trendy, sunglasses-wearing assassin . . . That’s what we needed. We needed to look like the villains here, so we could infiltrate them. 

I guess if word got out about a guy in a trench coat helping to clear these kinds of places out, they’d see us coming in the future, so wearing a disguise wasn’t a bad idea. I put on my sunglasses too. I needed to hide my eyes. He’d gotten what we needed in the way of things to trade while he was back at the camp getting changed, so we were good to go. We were going in as buyers of people and setting up a . . . table I guess you could say. Cas wasn’t going to let them touch any of our stuff, but it was easier to get their attention if they saw an arsenal of weapons, demon bombs, and a variety of other things to combat the supernatural behind us. We needed to look legit until the right time.

“Stick around. We’ll make our decision by the end of the day and give our entire collection to the one we like the best,” I said to our first ‘customers’ of the day. They had a woman with them. She looked frightened and way too thin. She didn’t even have shoes. 

Cas leaned into my shoulder and said, “They use her as a maid. They do unkind things to her, and they took her child and traded him for something.” 

I nodded and looked down at my notes. “When I looked at them, I knew that, but I still don’t understand why they’re doing it.” It didn’t matter if they were desperate or starving . . . there was always another way, a better way than this. 

“You would do what these people are doing and have done no matter how desperate you are. That is why it is foreign to you, but it does not change that you understand that it is selfishness that has gone unchecked because they think they have nobody to answer to anymore.” Cas was right . . . I understood it on an intellectual level, just not an emotional one. 

“Why aren’t we acting?” he finally asked before the next ones in our line came up to us. They had a little girl. Her name was Tiffany. She’d been bought and sold a number of times. Somebody had trained her to be very subservient. 

When they left, I finally answered Cas. “I want to get to know the people we’re saving, so I can determine the best place to send them. I’m also watching the people that are on this side of the table with us. I want you listen to what they’re thinking, so you can tell me what kind of artillery they have. I want to be prepared when we make our move . . . I also want to know where they intend to take the people they want to buy, so we can find our next target . . . And last, but not least. Everybody in here wants what we have, so I’m making sure they don’t go anywhere by telling them we’ll make our decision at the end of the day. The ones we’ve already seen are sticking around for that, and more will come later . . . We’re waiting for the ones that are late to the party . . . Nobody that is participating in this is walking away unscathed today.” 

He took a deep breath and looked along the table to my right before he said, “Rocket launcher and grenades . . . not as high of quality as ours . . . 4 handguns between them . . . They are heading to a place near Providence, Rhode Island next . . . so are the ones next to them . . . they have a number of hunting knives and . . . “ He continued filling me in on our competition in between the meet and greets in our line. 

It looked like we were going to Providence next. The people on this side of the table worked almost exclusively for the monsters. The monsters were giving them the weapons to trade for people in places like this. I was calling them professional buyers. They did it for food and because they thought that if they worked for monsters, they would be spared, so they made it a full-time job to search out other people to sell to them. 

There were also a few people here that weren’t professional buyers. They were buying, because they’d recently lost the people they’d owned to a monster or starvation or the people ran away. They wanted to replace them, so in the event that they had to make a deal with a monster to live, they’d have a ready option available to give the monsters. 

All of these people that were buying were going into the same category, and the ones that were selling . . . unless they were first time offenders, of which there weren’t many, they were all going in with the ones that did this for a living . . . Throughout the course of the day, I made my decision on all of them. 

Cas leaned into my shoulder again after the last sellers went through our line and said, “You’ve come to a decision?” 

_Yeah, I have. They can continue their ways and turn on each other when they’re on the flip-side of this, or they could learn from their mistakes and work together to get free. If we do it this way, then they’ll learn, or they’ll die. It’s up to them._

We separated the people after that. The prisoners went to stand along the back wall under the pretense of us wanting to do one final walk through of them. There were about 30 of them in total. We started on the right side of the line, and pulling my handgun, I kept it hidden by my side as I said loud enough for everyone to hear, “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish . . . and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother keeper and finder of lost children.” Hitting our mark at the middle of the line, Cas and I turned to face the wrong doers, and Cas put on a lights show complete with shadowy wings, shaking walls and exploding light bulbs, while I continued, “And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers-” 

I had to cut myself off there, because a couple of them tried to shoot Cas, so I shot out their knees. _Damnit. I nearly nailed the timing of that scene._

“I do not know who Samuel L. Jackson is, but he was not the first to say that . . . and Ezekiel had no hand in recording it,” Cas said while raising his hand to stop the bullets flying towards me. Looked like the people on the other side of the room had gotten the picture just yet, but they might’ve started to when Cas disappeared and picked up the ones that tried to flee and brought them back to the middle of the room.

“Do we have your attention?” Some of them nodded, so I said, “Castiel is an angel. You have all been judged and found wanting . . . except for you three down on the end . . . you three come over here. This was a first time offense for you. Learn the lesson I’m about to teach the rest of them, and you will be allowed to go to one of our camps.” 

The three I pointed to looked terrified, but the woman pushed the man in front of her forward before she grabbed the other one and said, “Come on . . . I don’t think we wanna be standin’ next to the rest of ‘em.” No they did not.

My gaze fell on the rest. “Look at the people next to you.” I paused until they did it before I said, “Do not turn on them the way you have turned on the people behind me. Castiel is going to heal those of you that I shot to make it fair. Those of you that have machetes can keep them. Those of you that do not will be given Borax. Mix the Borax with water, and spray it at the Leviathan. It will buy you a few seconds. Use it as a distraction, and the people with machetes can take their heads. Guns will not work, and you cannot negotiate with the Leviathan. Your only hope is to work together, or you won’t survive.” 

Cas went over to touch the foreheads of the men I’d shot, but they crawled away from him in terror, so he disappeared and reappeared behind them. After he healed them, he came back to stand next to me, and I think that’s when it sunk in for them that Cas really was an angel, and most people equate angels with God . . . Cas put the fear of God back into them. 

Then Cas did something pretty cool. He may have been in the middle of an identity crisis, but he was still a fully powered angel, and his training in setting up his room at the house must’ve done him some good, because he looked at them, moved his hand in one direction, like Obi Wan Kenobi to give all the ones without machetes some Borax, and before they had time to register they were holding canisters of the stuff, he waved his hand in the other direction and sent the whole group to Atlanta. “That was pretty cool, Cas. Nice job . . . and uh, I think we’ll have to make sure you watch Pulp Fiction next.” 

We turned to look at the people left standing behind us. Some of them look terrified, but Tiffany ran up and hugged Cas around the legs. “Take me with you. I won’t be bad. I promise.” 

Cas knelt down to look at her from eye level and said, “Beth and I are on a mission to close more places like this, so I cannot bring you with me, but I will send you where we live on Earth. You will be safe there until I come back.” 

She nodded and Cas touched his fingers to her forehead to send her to South Dakota. Probably should’ve given the guys a bit of warning before she just showed up there. Cas and I had already decided which of these people would be going to Kansas, like the first time offenders and some of the ones that had betrayed fellow prisoners . . . Hurting other prisoners to make the people they hurt appear weaker, so they would be cut loose in places like this was on way to survive, but that wasn’t the right way to do it . . . The rest of them went to Wisconsin. _Uhhh . . . yeah, I should probably call those camps too._ I turned my back on them to make the calls and let Cas do his thing, and by the time I was done, so was he. That’d gone pretty fast.

The next day we were standing outside of the trading post in Providence after having scoped it out for the night. It wasn’t like the human trading depot had been. They didn’t seem to have people all coming on a certain day of the month to make their trades. People were continuously coming in with prisoners and going out to look for more, but the prisoners weren’t being sent out continuously. They were being kept there and were either being sent out in bunches daily or every couple of days, so we had time to save them. We knew they were being held in there on their way somewhere else and not being eaten, because well . . . Cas could see them through the walls, and I could see a lot of delivery trucks in the back that could really only be transporting one thing. 

The monsters all seemed to be wearing suits and were clean. The humans all looked pretty ragged. The monsters were clearly the ones in charge here. “I am unsure of your plan, Beth.” 

Okay. I’d listen to him. “How would you change it, Cas?” 

We didn’t listen to him as much as we should. “I think that I should be the one in one of the trucks in case anything goes wrong.” 

“You want me to follow you? I could, but I was kind of thinking that if I was in one, you could wipe out whatever’s left behind in this warehouse.” 

“We don’t know what happens to the humans that are taken in the trucks. You may be dosed with venom and unable to defend yourself.” 

Good point. “So you think I can clear this place out on my own?” I asked taking in the size of it. 

He smiled and he said, “You don’t have to do it on your own. I have already called reinforcements.” 

_Well, I guess he really didn’t like my plan._ Not even 5 seconds later, Sam showed up about 20 feet behind us saying, “A little warning next time, Gadreel. I was in the middle of my English class.” Dean was apparently already in the zone, because he, unlike Sam, had his weapons bag on him and looked ready for a fight. 

“What’d you tell Gadreel to tell them?” 

“I told him to tell Dean to come prepared for anything, because there are many types of monsters in there, and I told him to catch Sam by surprise and bring him . . . I thought it would be funny . . . it was,” Cas answered as they got to us. 

“Yeah, thanks for that, Cas. How am I supposed to –“ 

Sam was cut off when Cas lifted his hand the way he had the day before when he gave all those people the Borax, and Sam’s weapons bag appeared at his feet. “Nice move, Cas. When’d you go all Obi Wan?” Dean said with appreciation. 

“Beth thought the same thing. Apparently, I am supposed to watch Star Wars and . . . Pulp Fiction when we get back home.” Home. Cas calling our camp home was lovely. 

“I get the Star Wars, but why Pulp Fiction?” Sam asked. 

“You didn’t!” Dean said looking at me. 

I smiled. “Oh, I so did . . . couldn’t have found a more perfect set up for it . . . even got to shoot a couple of them when I was done, but the best part was cuing Cas when I got to the the ‘vengeance,’ bit. He did a light show like the one he did when you met him in that barn and showed them the shadow of his wings. It was brilliant . . . Let’s see if you can beat that.” 

Dean grinned. “You’re on . . . So, what’s the deal? Couldn’t go more than two days without us?” 

Cas answered for me on that one. “Yesterday they were humans. Today they are monsters. They’re not hybrids, but there are too many for one person. We don’t know where the trucks are being sent. They may be sent to a holding sight or directly to Eve . . . I’ll pretend I’m a human, and you will trade me to the monsters. As soon as my truck leaves, you will kill the monsters that are here, Gadreel will round up the humans working for them and send them where Beth tells him to send them, and I will let you know where my journey ends.” 

Dean didn’t like that idea either. “No . . . we’re not sending you without back up. They might know you’re an angel . . . Eve was with Crowley long enough she probably learned a thing or two about how to use wards against you guys. You and me are gonna go on the truck . . . You’ll make sure nothing doses me, so Beth doesn’t get taken out. I’ll make sure no wards take you out. Sam, Beth, and Gadreel will take this place down.” 

_How’d I get benched from my own hunt?_

“There are over 40 monsters in there. I’d hardly call that being benched,” Cas answered at the same time Dean said, “I knew you were the one that came up with the idea of going in one of the trucks as soon as Cas said it . . . Good thing he called us.” 

“Why can’t I go in the back of a damn truck?” 

Sam looked thoroughly confused. “Why is everyone fighting over who goes on a truck?” 

“Because it’s the exciting option . . . a bit of the unknown,” I answered at the same time Dean and Cas said, “It’s too dangerous.” 

Dean pointed at me and said, “And that’s why you’re not going. Stay here and up your head count. You’re behind . . . Cas’ll let Gadreel know where we end up when we get there, and Gadreel can bring you guys.” 

Of course I was behind on his headcount . . . by the thousands if you took into account that he started a lot younger than me. “You’re only saying that, because you know you’ll never be able to top my Ezekiel 25:17 quote . . . We’ll see what it’s like when we get in there.” 

Then Sam had weigh in again. “Why does anyone have to go in a truck? None of them should be leaving if they have people in them. Why aren’t we going in there, killing the monsters, and keeping the one in charge to question where the trucks are supposed to go instead?” 

_Best point all day._ Dean shrugged and looked somewhat reluctantly at Cas, like he knew that was probably the best option, but he didn’t want to do it either. _See, hiding out in the trucks is the exciting option._ “I agree with Sam. We should go with what he says,” I answered crossing my arms. If I couldn’t go in a truck, nobody could.


	36. The Righteous Man

Sam laughed when Beth’s inner spoiled brat come out. He knew exactly why she was siding with him on this. Dean knew why he thought it was funny and rolled his eyes. This was good. They were coming up with plans together and listening to one another. Hunting with them was better than hunting with Gadreel, the enforcer, who carried out his every suggestion without questioning it. He was really glad he decided to come back . . . Plus he wanted to see how their training with Cas was paying off. The kids told him that Dean had started joining in on it. Some of the kids snuck out, so they could watch. Apparently the kids thought it was more entertaining than any of the things they used to watch on TV. 

Dean looked at Sam, like he wanted something better than what Sam had said if he was going to go along with it, so Sam decided to flesh his idea out a bit more. “Gadreel can stay out here and stop anything that tries to leave out the front. Cas can do the same with the trucks and the monsters at the back. How many monsters are in there?” 43? That was a lot even with three hunters. 

“I want to let one truck go,” Beth said with a sigh before she looked down. It looked like she was still hung up on the trucks. Before Dean and Cas could argue with her on it, she held up a coin. “I got it from Crowley when he was babysitting me. It’s a tracker like the one he showed me how to make . . . except without the magic. Comes with this.” She held up a pocket size receiver,” and added, “Nobody has to go in one of the trucks.” 

Dean grabbed the receiver and said, “You’ve had this that long? Why didn’t I know about it, and why the hell didn’t you just go with that as option A?” 

Cas answered what for her. “She was thinking of using it in more of a practical joke capacity and wanted to keep it secret so you wouldn’t know about it . . . and she thought it would be more fun to go in one of the trucks.” 

Dean looked at Cas and said, “Why didn’t you go with this as option A either if you knew she had it instead of . . . you thought it would be more fun the other way too?” 

Beth looked at the warehouse and said, “Yeah, you two are killjoys, but if it has to go this way . . . I think a truck should get through in case the monster in charge lies.” 

Monsters weren’t exactly trustworthy, so Sam said, “So, whenever it stops, we’ll have Cas or Gadreel check to see if it’s just for the night or the final destination?” Everyone seemed okay with that. That accounted for everything except one thing. “What are we having them do with the humans?” 

Beth glanced at him. “The ones that are working for them?” He nodded, so she said, “You’ll see . . . might seem a little harsh, but it’s not as harsh as killing them all.” Sam wanted to know what it was. He guessed he’d find out. 

To get through the doors of the warehouse, they still had to go in under the pretense of trading Dean. Sam would make the first move with the Colt. It was the less mess approach that suited Sam. He didn’t know what Dean and Beth would use. It depended on what kind of monsters they were looking at in here . . . monsters in suits from the looks of things. When they got to the desk, they got a djinn in a suit. “How’d you get this one to come with you? Looks a little on the healthy side,” the djinn said. 

Beth gave Dean a flirty smile and said a little suggestively, “It’s all about using the right kind of bait.” 

Dean looked down at her with his own flirty grin and responded, “It was worth it . . . I mean look at her,” and Sam rolled his eyes when Dean then told off a couple of human creeps nearby that said some really inappropriate things to her. You wouldn’t hit on or defend a woman that betrayed you like that. Well, at least they’d gotten in the door. 

Sam pulled out the Colt and shot the djinn in between the eyes while Beth grabbed her angel blade and jumped over the desk to take the head off the vampire standing back there, and Dean uncuffed himself with the key in his hand before he grabbed his gun and shot what Sam assumed was a shapeshifter with a silver bullet. There were several of monsters that looked identical to it around here. Nope. A ghoul. Beth had it and gave Dean a grin as its head went flying. Dean gave her a look, and then grabbed his machete, so he could cut the hand off a djinn that was heading for Sam, which bought Sam enough time to shoot the . . . he wasn’t sure what that monster was, but he shot it before he shot the djinn and focused on taking out three more monsters before he had to reload.

There were plenty of monsters to go around even though you wouldn’t know it to watch Dean and Beth scrambling to kill more than the other one. Sam’s focus was on the monsters in front of him, but he also found that he was questioning everything about this place. Who knew how many people had gone through here already? Why hadn’t Kansas picked this place up? The monsters looked like most of them were here all the time. That computer should’ve been able to see a large grouping like this. Either Kansas was getting complacent, or they hadn’t sent the hunters here for a reason. Why would they do that? 

Clearing the offices to the left of the building, Sam killed a couple of vetalas in one of the rooms that looked like they’d decided to take a snack break. The man couldn’t move anything except his eyes, but the man’s eyes were pleading with Sam for help. “I’ll help you. I’ve got someone that can take care of the bites, but you need to keep fighting until I can get you to him,” Sam said while he tried to stop the bleeding in the man’s neck. It looked bad, but Cas or Gadreel should be able to heal it. 

Cas might be the better bet. Smiting that djinn a few days ago had taken it out of Gadreel. He could still fly and use his angel blade that Gabriel had given to him, but on stuff like this Gadreel needed more time to recover with the way all the angels had weakened except for Cas after the civil war. 

Sam hoisted the man and carried him out into the main part of the warehouse. It looked like Dean and Beth had this under control. Beth was fighting with a couple of monsters on the far side of the room, and Dean had his silver knife out after finally finding a shapeshifter. Sam wondered if the shapeshifter would be able to recognize him from Las Vegas. Probably not, but even if it did, it was focused on Dean now. 

One of the sleazy guys working for the monsters stepped in Sam’s way with a rifle, and then the man went down after someone shot him in the knee. Sam looked to the left and saw that Dean had taken the shot after throwing his knife into the chest of the shapeshifter. Dean gave Sam a nod to tell him to get going, so Sam readjusted the man’s body in his arms, before he backed out the door nearest to him. 

When he got outside, there weren’t as many monster bodies on the ground as he was expecting, but there was a crowd of about 30 people that Gadreel had corralled into one place. Sam took the man he was carrying up to Gadreel, and Gadreel just went ahead and healed him. Maybe Gadreel had more juice than he’d thought . . . eh, maybe not. He looked a little less sure-footed than he had. Gadreel had just made the decision to put this man’s health above his own. 

Cas might think Gadreel was incapable of making his own decisions, but it wasn’t really that Gadreel couldn’t do it. He’d just had it beaten out of him after having been imprisoned for so long. Sam remembered Cas when he first got here. Cas wanted to kill Anna and wipe out the town Samhain was raised in just because it’s what he’d been told to do by his superiors. It just might take a little longer for Gadreel to get there, but he would. His fear of being imprisoned again made him extra cautious. That’s all it was. 

“I will keep him safe out here if you want to go back in to your brother,” Gadreel said after Sam set the man on the ground. Vetala venom wasn’t something angels could stop, but it’d ware off on its own, and the man wasn’t bleeding anymore, so he should be okay. 

“How many of these people were prisoners and how many are the ones that were doing the selling?” Sam asked looking at them. 

“The man you just brought is the only prisoner I have, but I think that Castiel has found more.” 

It sure helped having angels that could read thoughts with them. It made separating the ones that were guilty from the ones that were innocent pretty easy. By the time Sam got back inside, Dean and Beth were nowhere to be found. He followed the trail of bodies until he got to where they were. It looked like there was only one left, but Sam still went up and checked the second story to make sure it was clear. It was. 

“I don’t know where the trucks go. Only the drivers know, and you killed all of them,” the monster was saying when Sam got back down. 

“You know what that tells me?” Dean asked bending down to look it in the eye. The djinn shook its head, but when it opened its mouth to say something, nothing came out except a surprised gasp before its head lolled to its chest as it died. 

Dean looked up at Beth who was standing behind the djinn and gave her another frustrated look. “You’ve been doing that shit to me all day . . . and where the hell did you get the lambs blood?” 

Beth shrugged and turned before she said, “You’re the one that wanted to play,” and went to go find Cas. 

“I knew I should’ve said that,” Dean muttered under his breath before going after her. Sam had to hide his smile, so Dean didn’t see it. He enjoyed seeing his brother get annoyed, especially with her, because he hardly ever did. 

“You’re just mad, because I got one more than you,” Beth said to rub it in Dean’s face a little bit more. 

“You wouldn’t have if you hadn’t stolen half of mine, and I could’ve gotten that last one to talk,” Dean argued. 

“You weren’t going to even try. You were going to say something, like ‘I’ve got no use for you,’ because you didn’t with the coin, and then you would’ve done what I did. I just beat you to it.”

“That’s not the point. You can’t just go around killing things other people are about to kill . . . It’s distracting . . . takes them outta the moment.” 

Beth grinned and was about to say something else in response when they walked out the back doors and saw the people standing out there with Cas. Dean looked at Cas, and Cas said, “These are the people I found in the trucks . . . except for the ones in the truck I let go.” 

There had to be at least 150 people out here. And this was just from one day or a couple of days at most. “I’m just gonna say it. How the hell has this place been operating for who knows how long without us knowing about it?” Dean asked. 

Sam agreed. “Yeah, I, uh . . . I was thinking the same thing. I think you and me need to take a detour through Kansas on the way back. This doesn’t feel right.” 

Dean looked at him and said, “Now? Cuz I wanna see what else is on that computer they haven’t told us about yet.” 

Now worked. Sam told Beth that if she and Cas let them know where the truck stopped, they could check if it showed up on the screen to confirm whether or not the the computer was still working. Beth nodded and glanced at Cas. “Yeah, we’ll be fine. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the computer though. Don’t let on why you’re there in case they’re keeping it from us on purpose, and stay away from Metatron unless you put those markings on that you used to use around Cas to keep him from knowing what you’re thinking.” 

Metatron. Dean and Sam shared a look as the same thought crossed their minds. That angel was always supposed to be a problem. “Take Cas . . . I’ll take Gadreel. Gadreel shouldn’t go near him,” Beth said after she watched Dean and Sam’s interaction. 

“I’d feel better knowing you were with Cas . . . We’ll have Gadreel drop us off and send him back to South Dakota. Sam’ll pray to him, so he can pick us up when we’re ready to leave. Let us know when that truck stops, and we’ll help you . . . Don’t go in without us. Wait and get some recon done,” Dean answered. Beth opened her mouth to say something and Dean stopped her. “I don’t care what you see. You wait.” 

Dean waited for her to agree to that, but she wouldn’t do it, so he looked at Cas, and Cas nodded in agreement. That was pointless. Even Sam knew Beth wasn’t going to stick with an agreement Cas made on her behalf, and if she needed to go in and stop something bad from happening to someone else, she shouldn’t have to wait. Sam gave her a look to let her know that he agreed with her, and she smiled to acknowledge it before she asked Cas if he noticed whether anything was off in Kansas when he was there for Christmas. 

“I don’t know. They didn’t like that I said the password and walked in even though you called to tell them I was coming. They said I should’ve waited, and Tom went with me to go get the hunter’s shack. He asked me a lot of questions about what we were doing for the holidays. I thought he wanted to know to prepare for next year, because they weren’t doing much of anything for them this year.” Didn’t necessarily raise any alarm bells, but it didn’t exactly sound hospitable either.

Dean started to ask, “If Metatron is behind this –“ and Cas said, “My perspective has changed. Do what you have to do if he is responsible for preventing us from finding more humans.” 

Dean relaxed and told Beth to send these people to Wisconsin and to call the other hunters to let them know to do the same thing with anyone new they picked up until they could get this figured out. Beth looked at the people standing there before she said, “I was thinking that I might set up a new camp for these people . . . nothing against them, but I think we’re going to find a lot of people when that truck stops, and I know Wisconsin could handle the numbers, but I think we should keep the community vibe they have there.” 

It’d be a lot of work, but Sam found the idea of having another camp out there made him feel like they were finally starting to get somewhere on rebuilding everything. Dean looked reluctant, and Beth said, “I’m setting it up, not moving in. I promise that I’ll hand it off when Abbey, Meg, and Carrie get there.” Dean seemed a little better with that. 

Looked like they were in agreement on everything. Sam and Dean just had one more thing to do before they got out of here. “Any idea where he’s supposed to send them?” Sam asked when they walked out the front of the warehouse. 

“Yeah . . . just outside Atlanta. We’ll have Gadreel give them some Borax and machetes first,” Dean answered before giving the humans in front of him his full attention. 

_We’re sending them to the Leviathan camp?_

Dean didn’t even have to look at Sam to know that he had some misgivings about that. “You didn’t think it felt right letting that man and woman go, and you wanted Beth to make the hard call on it . . . Least she’s giving them a fighting chance . . . better than they deserve.” 

Sam saw the poor man he’d saved earlier huddled up close to Gadreel, so he didn’t have to be near the other people. The other people didn’t look like they gave a damn about what they’d done to this poor man or the ones in the back of the warehouse. They would . . . when they were in those people’s shoes. It seemed more fitting to him the more he thought about it. It was a new world . . . There was no way he or Dean would’ve thought about doing something like this in their old life, but then this wasn’t their old life, and their new job seemed to include saving people from other people as much as it was saving them from monsters. 

Dean looked back at the warehouse and asked Gadreel if Beth and Cas were gone. “They have loaded the trucks and Castiel is sending the trucks to a new location . . . He’s done now,” Gadreel answered. _That was fast. What about the guy out here?_

“Good . . . gonna need you to do something for me when I give you the signal . . . think you already know what it is.” Gadreel actually smiled in response to Dean’s directive before he gave him a nod. And then Sam finally got what Dean and Beth had been talking about with the whole Pulp Fiction thing. 

When Sam listened to what his brother was saying, he felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up briefly. It was eerie. _The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee._

Sam thought that passage might’ve actually been written about his brother. His brother was the righteous man in the prophecies and everything about that passage was true . . . about the path that Dean’d had to follow in his life . . . and Dean saving people and shepherding them through the darkness. Dean was the finder of lost children. Dean struck down the evil in the world . . . If anything the importance of that moment stood out to him more, because Dean didn’t realize what he was saying. In that moment, Sam didn’t think he’d ever felt so proud of his brother. 

When he was done, Dean turned to look at him with a stupid grin, like he thought he deserved a standing ovation for getting all the words right, having Gadreel show them his wings at the right time, and scaring the hell outta people that had seemed unshakable just a few minutes ago, and Sam had to quickly hide what he was feeling before Dean caught it. If he didn’t, Dean would feel uncomfortable and make fun of him for it as a defense mechanism . . . Recognition for saying the scene the right way . . . Dean was stoked about that . . . Let him know how much Sam loved, respected, and was proud of his brother . . . no way would Dean accept that . . . which just kind of proved how Dean did everything he did without wanting recognition or even thinking he deserved it. 

“Yeah, I thought Beth said she got to shoot some people at the end . . . doesn’t quite feel the same without it.” Dean’s grin dropped and he turned to glare at the people, like he thought maybe he should shoot one of them to make it better, so Sam laughed and added, “But I think you having a man’s voice probably makes up for her getting to shoot people. I’d call it a draw, Jules. Come on. Let’s send that man to Wisconsin and get the rest of these people out of here.” Sam grinned at Dean’s response to him saying it was a draw. Beth might be happy with a draw as long as it meant she didn’t lose, but Dean definitely wouldn’t be happy unless it was a win.


	37. Iron Fist

“Don’t touch anything in here . . . There’s a lot of crap we never had a chance to go through . . . maybe one of them got into it,” Dean said to Sam before they said the password to get through the wards. He was still trying to wrap his head around this. The last time they were here, things were fine, but that was before the changelings. 

Jody talked to these people every day, and she hadn’t noticed that anything was up. The other hunters hadn’t said anything was off, but then at Christmas they said they never stuck around here. They just dropped people off at the gate and left . . . said they didn’t really like the place, but then they’d never really liked it here. Maybe that’s all it was, or maybe there was more to it than that . . . A hunter’s 6th sense? Cas was here at Christmas to pick up the hunter’s shack and hadn’t noticed anything . . . other than them not doing anything for the holidays and Tom going with him to the hunter’s shack. That wasn’t anything that would raise the alarm that pod people had taken over the camp, but that was 2 months ago . . . No, somebody would’ve gotten onto them if something were attacking the camp, and you couldn’t see this place unless you knew the password, so no monsters should’ve known about it. It had to be something else. 

Either Cas’s job on the computer hadn’t held up, or one of them got into some weird magical powder shit in the bunker and spread it around, or Metatron had convinced them not to fill the hunters in on the big things going on out there . . . or maybe one of the survivors they sent here was a witch that cast a spell on them. Most of the other hunters didn’t have a way to check for witches . . . Witches looked like normal people. Dean still had his witch amulet. He kept it in a leather pouch and always had it on him whenever he left Bobby’s. He’d check it every so often, while he was in here to see if it had any new burn marks in it. 

“Hey Dean . . . Sam. ” Tom was there to welcome them through the gates. Didn’t look like a body snatcher. If he was, then maybe Dean could finally tell Beth he had proof there were aliens. “It’s funny you’re here. Gabriel stopped by a few hours ago looking for you.” _Gabriel? Why the hell would Gabriel come here looking for us?_ “Wasn’t too happy with you from what I could tell, Dean.”

Dean had thought for a while now that Gabriel was back and keeping it on the down low, so he could do something to get back at him when he least expected it. _Why would Gabriel blow it now, and why would he come here to do it? He must’ve been here. How else would Tom know that Gabriel is pissed at me? Something’s wrong._

Dean glanced at Sam to let him know to be on high alert. He was getting that same feeling he got on hunts when they were about to be ambushed. Sam gave him a subtle nod to let him know that he understood before he looked past Dean towards the people out in the courtyard to draw Dean’s attention that way. There was something creepy about them doing drills like that. He knew it was going this way when they left . . . kind of . . . but Dean hadn’t really expected them to get uniforms for everyone . . . The kids looked like Hitler Youth. 

“You having any problems with the new people coming in?” Sam asked while Dean kept aware of his surroundings. 

“Could probably do without them dropping in unannounced the way they did yesterday, but there weren’t too many. We keep a tight reign on the rest of them, so they’re too busy to pull anything that they might’ve tried to pull out there.” 

_Unannounced . . . not too subtle. And there’s keeping an eye on people who might be trouble and then there’s ruling with an iron fist and making them come out the other side worse._

Dean caught sight of Jasmine, and she went to smile at him, but stopped when it caught the notice of her . . . what? Her commanding officer? Or teacher? Or both? Whoever it was made her do push-ups for losing focus. He saw Adrien further away and got a similar reaction from him. “You mind if I?” Dean asked veering off towards Adrien before Tom could stop him. 

“We’d really prefer to keep them to their routines . . . give them a sense of purpose,” Tom answered.

Without stopping, Dean called back, “Yeah, sure . . . won’t take long . . . just, uh . . . show Sam how much room you’ve got for storage in the bunker. We’ve got a new shipment of guns that Rufus found coming in . . . Thought you could use it.” Rufus . . . that was one hunter that never answered the damn phone, so they couldn’t call to verify. 

When he got to Adrien, Adrien looked at . . . who the hell was that guy . . . to get permission to talk to Dean. After the guy dismissed Adrien, it wasn’t lost on Dean that they had a shadow, so they couldn’t have any real privacy. “You keeping up with school here, all right?” 

Adrien looked back at the woman following them before he looked at Dean and said, “Yes, sir.” 

Dean’s eyes narrowed in response. “What’s with the sir, crap? Just call me Dean . . . How about your Dad . . . he all right?” 

There was a look back, a significant pause, and then, “Yes, Dean.” 

_So, Dad’s not all right then._ “Hey . . . you wanna show me the barn? I wanna see how those turkeys Beth sent are doing.” 

Adrien whispered to try and keep the woman following them from hearing and said, “Nobody is allowed in there except the high command.” 

_High command?_ “What about Hal?” 

Adrien shook his head. The woman behind them cleared her throat, and Adrien gritted out, “No, Dean.” 

_Wish this bitch would fuck off. And the farmer that raised those animals in Wisconsin and knows what he’s doing isn’t even allowed in there? Why the fuck not?_

“There a lot of places that high command –“ 

Adrien gave Dean a look to make him stop talking because of the chick following them, but Dean had her just about where he wanted her. “Well, then I guess it’s a good thing I’m the highest command, so I can go wherever I want, huh?” 

Adrien gave him a slight smile before Dean took him around the corner of a house and stopped, so he could wait for the woman that was tailing them. As soon as she came around the corner, he quickly knocked her out, and then used zip ties to tie her hands and ankles before putting some duct tape over her mouth and hiding her in the shadows of the house. 

Nobody on the walls should’ve seen it, because they were in a good blind spot here. All he had to worry about were patrols that reminded him a hell of a lot of the ones in Vegas, except he didn’t think these were possessed. As soon as Dean was sure they were in the clear, he crouched down to be closer to Adrien’s height and said, “Okay . . . lay it on me. Where’s your Dad?” 

Adrien looked down and said, “Dad said that it was his job to raise me, and he didn’t appreciate being told how to do it by anybody, but especially by people that never had kids. And he really didn’t like it when they disciplined me. He didn’t like the drills at 2 or 3 o’clock in the morning that we all have to do, because he said we’re kids, and kids need their sleep, so we can keep growing. He didn’t like that we aren’t allowed to have fun here and do nothing but drills when we’re not in school learning how to be better soldiers. He said he didn’t have a problem with me learning how to protect myself, but this isn’t the way he wanted it to be done . . . He didn’t want me to become a mindless drone . . . He said I wouldn’t have gotten away from the monsters if I did everything I was told to do . . . Uncle James thought the same, so he and Dad tried to take Jasmine and me to your camp. They were going to call you on the way, but they were turned back at the gates. That made them both mad. They said they weren’t prisoners. They’d fulfilled their duties to this country a while ago and wanted out. General Tom told them he’d give them the benefit of the doubt, since he knew them, but told them not to try again . . . They did . . . a week later . . . at night, but we were caught a few miles from here. They brought Jasmine and me back . . . but our Dad’s didn’t come back. General Tom told everyone that they’d gotten away and went AWOL. They wouldn’t have left without us. They just wouldn’t.“ 

A lot of things had happened to this kid in his life . . . too many bad things, and this . . . Adrien was right. There is no way that James or Rick would have taken off if their kids where in here anymore than he’d leave Rogue in a place like this. “Need you to tell me if you think something’s not quite right with Tom . . . something supernatural, like a spell or something like that.” 

A flash of anger crossed Adrien’s face before he said, “Dad said the power went to his head. You told me to trust my instincts. My instincts say that my Dad was right. It wasn’t all at once. It was slow . . . over time, and it’s getting worse.” 

Being at the top wasn’t for everyone . . . Some got to be as bad as the ones they kicked off the throne. Dean didn’t know what he could do about it right now. His main priority was getting Adrien and Jasmine out of here. It’s what their Dad’s would’ve wanted if they died trying to get them to his camp, and it’s what they needed. The only reason he and Beth didn’t bring them with them was because Rick and James stayed here to help Tom. 

“Any idea where Deacon and Sue are?” They would’ve been a problem for Tom too. 

“Stockade . . . Sue didn’t like the classes she was teaching and had a silent protest in front of the school, and Deacon supported her . . . They’ve been in there for months.” 

“Okay. Tell me where that is. You go get Jasmine . . . just like when the changelings had her . . . wait for your moment, and then get her to come to you. Meet me back here,” Dean said standing. 

Adrien shook his head. “You should go. You and Sam can leave if you don’t cause a problem, but they’ll kill you if you do.” 

Dean grinned and said, “Well, they can try . . . But what’d I say about taking on responsibility for other people?” Adrien nodded to let him know he understood, so Dean said, “Deacon and Sue are my responsibility. Deacon saved my Dad’s life in Vietnam. I’m not leaving him or Sue in some stockade, and if it’s what your Dad’s wanted, you and Jasmine are both back to being my responsibility again. I ain’t leavin’ without all 4 of you.” 

Adrien tilted his head to the side and asked, “What about the rest?” 

“I don’t know how many of them are my responsibility and which ones want to stay where they are because they like it here. I need to get you four out of here first, so I can come back with a plan for the rest,” Dean said before bending down to search for Adrien’s guard’s radio. “I know kids hear a hell of a lot more than we give you guys credit for . . . You wouldn’t happen to know why they haven’t been telling us where there are large groups of monsters trading guns and food for people, would you?” 

"You mean like the trading posts, but set up by monsters?” Dean nodded, and Adrien took a deep breath before he shook his head. “No, but maybe it has something to do with those Leviathan. That’s all they talk about anymore . . . Leviathan this and Leviathan that . . . some of them are placing bets on whether Eve will win or not.” 

“How’d they know the Leviathan are a bigger threat than Eve?” 

“Recon missions . . . they send them to check out some of the things they find on the computer. A few have been to where the Leviathan are . . . not all of them come back.” 

Fuck. The Leviathan knew where this camp was now, and they had the password to get in here because of these ‘recon missions,’ this camp decided to do itself instead of letting the professionals deal with it. They weren’t calling in the hunters on the two monster armies that were apparently going to war against each other either. They were gonna let the two sides fight it out and hope the monsters came out on top over the Leviathan . . . Except to get the numbers Eve would need to defeat something like the Leviathan, she had to turn a hell of a lot of humans to get them . . . That’s why the trading post they found today had been set up, and there had to be a lot more of them around the country . . . and that’s why the people in this camp hadn’t told them . . . They were sacrificing all those people . . . making a strategic call . . . Fuck. 

“Let’s get you outta here, and I’ll deal with this place. Think you just gave me a way in when we decide to come back.” 

After that, Adrien showed him where the stockade was. That was another thing that pissed Dean off . . . Not as much as them executing James and Rick. They were both heroes that helped take down Vegas and stop those supply trucks. Rick had done a great job raising his son. And James. Dean had really liked that guy too. He might’ve been a werewolf, but he was a good man and a good father. He’d been well on his way to being a great hunter too. Neither one of them deserved to end up in Purgatory because the were trying to keep their kids safe . . . but Deacon was another war hero, and they’d locked him and Sue both up over a silent protest after all the things they’d done to help set up the Wisconsin camp, take down Vegas, and set this camp up. 

Dean hoped Sam kept his wits about him. The last thing they needed was for Tom to hold Sam hostage. Sam was smart. He’d figure it out and find a way to keep Tom occupied while Dean did what he needed to do. He’d pray to Gadreel and have him take Jasmine, Adrien, Deacon, and Sue to South Dakota, and then he’d come back over the wall for Sam . . . if Sam wasn’t out already. Sam had to have known Dean was going to stage a jailbreak when he went to go talk to Adrien, even if Dean hadn’t known he was going to do it yet . . . best part of being hunting partners with his brother. His brother almost always knew what he was gonna do before he did it. 


	38. Quick Thinking

Sam was almost back to the stairs leading to the front door. At least he was in the same room as them now. He hadn’t been sure that he would make it out of where Tom wanted to store these imaginary guns Dean told him about. He knew Dean thought they were walking into . . . not quite a trap, because the camp hadn’t expected them, but an ambush. He got that feeling too. Something wasn’t right here. But then they already knew that, or they wouldn’t be here. “You have any problems with the wards? Anything get through that doesn’t know the password,” Sam asked while his eyes scanned the room to see where everyone was. 

“Nope . . . Nothing’s hit our gates yet. Get a few Croats from time to time. They look like they’re going to walk through until they bump into the imaginary wall, and then they head off in another direction. Had to tell the guards on the wall to stop shooting them, because that brings on the rest. Guess you know all about that.” 

“Yeah, went out a few times and made that mistake. Didn’t have the walls for protection then,” Sam responded with the smile he used to use when they were on hunts and questioning witnesses. It wasn’t one that he meant, but it was one that he’d perfected over the years.

Tom glanced at him and said, “Yeah . . . had Beth there to protect you. Notice she’s got you all healed up. No more cane.” 

Sam had forgotten what the accusations against Beth were like after having been away from them for so long. You’d think she was the one that brought the world to its knees instead of him . . . Yeah, sure . . . he knew there was that meeting with God thing she had to contend with and maybe her tapping into her soul made it worse or something, but he was starting to think that unless you were in her inner circle, it mostly brought out what was really in people and amped it up to 10 over time. 

His knee was still bad, but maybe letting Tom know that wasn’t a good idea if it let them know he had a weakness. “She had a few things healed, but she, uh . . . needed some respite after the war in Heaven, and Gabriel decided to heal the rest then,” Sam said while adding silently in his head that he was sure there was a time that Beth had given Tom the benefit of the doubt. He’d heard the story. He knew. She could’ve killed Tom and didn’t. 

If he said that, Tom might throw it in his face that he had been the one to turn him into a werewolf in the first place, and that was true, but right now Sam was trying not to ruffle too many feathers while he was in a bunker that could go into lockdown. Tom shuffled through some papers to pretend like he wasn’t watching Sam and responded, “Respite . . . must be nice . . . and even adopted, I’d bet Gabriel would do anything for his little girl.” 

How did Tom know Beth used to think Gabriel was her adopted Dad? Maybe she told him if she thought Tom was her friend. She didn’t brag about it, but she was proud of Gabriel, not because of what Gabriel was, but because she had a Dad who had been such a good Dad to her. And yeah, Gabriel would do anything for her, but that didn’t have anything to do with anything.

Tom was pushing him. Trying to get him to make the first move. This was becoming a much more intense situation than he’d anticipated. He wouldn’t take the bait. He wasn’t going to tell them that by respite he’d meant she’d had a breakdown for a couple of weeks or that Gabriel actually was her Dad anymore than he was going to tell them his knee still wasn’t healed. He needed to find a way to change the topic. “How’s Metatron? Is he giving you any trouble?” 

Tom glanced at him like he was onto him being onto Tom, but Sam kept his cool and didn’t let on that he knew that there were now three men at the bottom of the stairs behind him and another two that had been added to the numbers at the back of the room. “Gone . . . he up and left in the middle of the night,” Tom answered. 

_And they didn’t say anything to Jody about that?_ Either they’d killed him . . . but Sam didn’t think they had any angel blades here, or Metatron was still being held in the same place, but they didn’t want him to know that. Why? He didn’t think it was out of love for the angel. Tom gave away a slight dislike at the mention of the name. And Sam didn’t remember seeing any of the tribe outside training. He didn’t see them in here either. What the hell was going on here? 

Sam glanced at the papers in Tom’s hand and indicated to them. “So, you’ve been keeping an eye on the Leviathan. They still have that place set up in Georgia?” 

Tom looked down at the papers in his hands and said, “Yeah . . . meanest . . . baddest sonsofbitches . . . and there’s more of them than you’d think . . . Beth let them out too, right?” 

_How does he know that? Nobody but Dean, Cas, Gabriel, Beth, and me know that the Leviathans got out when we went to put the Purgatory souls back. We just started telling people that we had to get rid of them now too . . . I guess the Leviathans were there. Have you been talking to them, Tom?_ Sam wasn’t going to throw Beth under the bus. These guys meant business, and he wouldn’t put it past them to start hunting her if they thought she was the reason for something like that. “Beth didn’t let them out. Crowley did, and he died doing it.” 

“Not quite the way I heard it . . . Things like this keep happening around her don’t they . . . the Croat outbreak . . . You released that because you were looking for her. You just didn’t know it at the time, right?” 

That was something Crowley and only Crowley knew outside of the counsel from the Wisconsin camp, but none of them would talk about that. Why were the Leviathan telling Tom any of this? Maybe they were looking for Beth and wanted Tom to find her, because they knew he knew her, so they were giving him reasons to find her . . . That made sense. She knew how to kill their leader, and they knew she knew that, if she told Crowley she did . . . or if Crowley heard her tell any of them that she did while he was invisible and playing God. 

Sam and Dean had come here, because they wanted to know why they hadn’t been told about that warehouse. From the reflection Sam could see off a pair of glasses on the table facing the monitor that he was apparently not allowed to see, it looked like there were dots all over the country, but there were also some really big sections of the country in red indicating danger hot spots . . . in Georgia . . . A good section of Washington and Oregon . . . He’d been in Oregon a few weeks ago and hadn’t seen anything like that would indicate an army was building there, but then he hadn’t been in that part of the state. There was another big red spot in Vermont or New Hampshire. 

Not a word on any of those hotspots? Georgia was the Leviathan . . . Did that mean the other two were Eve? Her numbers were massive . . . This had been going on for a long time for her to have that many monsters, and by not telling the hunters, this camp had been helping her. 

The Kansas camp was working both sides of the monster war, hedging its bets on who the victor would be . . . and both armies probably wanted Beth, because she knew how to kill Eve too . . . Crowley would’ve known that when he still had Eve locked up, because Sam had told him that Beth knew things about the future like that when he offered to trade Beth to Crowley. 

There were some other large dots in other parts of the country in the middle, but Sam couldn’t quite see where they were. Trading posts maybe? That red spot in New Hampshire or Vermont was bigger than those, but not as big as the one on the West Coast . . . the Alpha Vampire building up Eve’s army on the East Coast maybe? 

Sam had to get out of here and get Dean out of a camp that probably wanted to hand Beth over to whichever monster army won if it meant they could stay on good terms with them . . . What was the best way to capture Beth? To take Dean, and all these people knew that. 

“I don’t know about that. Some of us just have more . . . supernatural entities interested in us than others. It’s made our lives Hell. Good thing Beth’s around though . . . She knows how to kill the leader of the Leviathan because of that alternate timeline Gabriel showed her . . . Knows some other useful things about them too. If you’re interested, I could take you out . . . paint the wards against them on the walls if you want.” 

Tom looked at a few of the men behind Sam that Sam was acutely aware were flanking him and gave them a nod, so they backed off some. “Sure, why don’t you go with Warren and Shrieves here . . . They’ll get you what you need.” Tom not being there was a bonus. Now Sam had to think about what Dean was doing. He still hadn’t come back, because he was busy, or he’d been locked up? 

Sam looked around the camp while he walked with the two men who were with him. Two was nothing, but he’d have to keep an eye on the guns on the wall. He didn’t see Dean, but he didn’t see that kid Dean was going to talk to earlier either. He bet Dean wanted to get that kid out of here for some reason. Dean had said he’d only be a few minutes. That or Dean had been locked up, but why wasn’t the kid there? 

They wouldn’t have locked the kid up too. They would’ve sent him back to class or training or whatever this was that they were doing at a time when the kids in their own camp were actually in class. What about Sue? Sam thought she was supposed to be setting up a school here. He didn’t see her anywhere . . . Or Deacon. Maybe Dean was going to find Deacon and Sue and grabbed that kid, so he could get them all out of here? That’s what he was going with for now. He’d see when he got to the back wall. If Dean was going to get people out of here, he’d take them out the back, and Dean would’ve left him a sign that he had.

“Why’s it a different ward for each wall?” Warren or Shrieves said behind him. 

_It was the only way to keep you from taking me out after you saw me paint the first one?_ “Uh, yeah . . . The Leviathan are actually the reason Purgatory was created. It was the only place God could put them . . . had to put these wards on the 4 corners of Purgatory to keep them out of the other planes of existence . . . Hell, Earth, Heaven, and the Fairy realm,” Sam answered before he put the finishing touches on this fake ward. 

Two more to go and the next one was the back wall. They got into the jeep to drive that way, and one of them said, “Fairy realm? Place like that actually exists?” 

“Yeah . . . definitely. Haven’t come across any, but I’ve hunted sprites, and they come from that realm. The only way to defeat them is to send them back, which was not an easy thing to do. You can’t see them if you look at them directly. You can only see them out of the corner of your eye, and they’re fast, so you keep losing track of them . . . They can see you just fine though. They picked Beth up and tried to carry her off when she first started hunting.” 

Looking back on it now, he thought it was hilarious . . . mostly because of the way she’d reacted. That was the first time he’d ever heard her swear, and after that, Dean kept leaving bottles of Sprite for her to find wherever they stayed until she shook one up and sprayed him and his clothes bag with it. It’d turned into a Sprite war between them after that because of course Dean retaliated, but after the Sprite War was over, it didn’t happen again. 

Back then Sam had wished that the sprites had taken her, but now when he thought about that time when it’d just been the three of them on the road, he appreciated it more . . . It hadn’t all been bad, and things had been so much simpler. He’d go back to that time if he could . . . make different choices . . . He’d enjoy the hunts more and go out with them on their night’s out more often. 

He’d missed out on a lot that year he was in Las Vegas, but there’d been good times that happened right in front of him that he’d missed . . . like the sprites. He was going to find a way to bring that up again, because it still annoyed her . . . or the dress . . . Now, he thought her falling down in those shoes and the fit she threw when she saw the dress was funny. At the time, he’d been annoyed. He wished he could’ve seen things from this perspective back then, so he could enjoy it . . . He could’ve gone to the bar with them at that party instead of watching them and getting mad that they weren’t doing what they were supposed to be doing. If they didn’t, and it didn’t cause any problems, why couldn’t he have done it too instead of getting groped by older women all night?

When Sam got to the back wall, he saw what he was looking for near the top. Dean was already out, so before Wallace or Gromit or which ever one of them was on his right could radio anyone, Sam quickly slammed his head into the dashboard a few times to knock him out while he held the Colt on the man to his left to keep him from moving. He told the guy to cuff himself around the steering wheel and then knocked him out too. He could’ve left him awake, but the last thing he needed was for the man to start blaring the horn to alert any wall security that Dean hadn’t taken out yet. 

Now all he needed to do was climb the rope. Dean must’ve cleared a fair bit of the security on the wall already if he’d just left the rope there for anyone to find . . . That and the spray paint in bright red that said, ‘Too Easy . . . We’ll be seeing you Tom,” made Sam pretty sure that this area was clear. 

When he got to the top, Sam had a quick look along the sides. Yeah, there were about 10 people tied up along the top of the wall. Gadreel and Dean were standing down at the bottom on the other side. Dean looked impatient. “What took you so long?” Dean said with a grin as soon as Sam’s feet touched the ground. Yeah, it felt good to get one over on this place.


	39. Iowa

Castiel listened to the broadcast from Gadreel again. He wasn’t sure how to break the news to Beth. She would take it hard if she knew that’s what had become of the James and Rick . . . and Tom. It was another failed attempt for them to start a camp that maintained the best in people. The outposts in Wisconsin showed promise in that area. Perhaps she could hold onto that. 

He didn’t think it was something she should hear about Kansas until after they’d finished this new camp and had completed the special project she’d decided to carry out while they waited to know where the truck with the people from that trading post had gone. Her project may take some time, so he finally answered Gadreel. 

_’Have Dean and Sam told the children in South Dakota that they cannot stay there as planned this month?’_ The kids would be disappointed. 

A few moments later, Gadreel replied over angel radio, 

Castiel smiled briefly. He supposed he should not be surprised by the children’s sense of duty and honor. _’If you take Dean, Sam, Stephen, and Pamela to Oregon and help them kill Eve, they may have a chance of preventing this war. She will be at the heart of the army Sam saw on the West Cost. Let Dean and Sam know that she can keep you from using your powers . . . Also let them know that the Kansas camp can see us on the computer I made. They can see which of us is fully powered and will know that you have taken Sam and Dean to the West Coast if they know a weakened angel took Sam and Dean to Kansas. They may alert Eve of that if they are siding with her. If Dean and Sam want you to pinpoint Eve’s location for them once you touch down in the middle of the army, you must do it quickly and do not engage with her or let her or her monsters know that you are there. Report her location back to Dean and Sam. Do what they say, but be careful. You are no use to them dead.’_

_’I will do as you say.’_

Castiel had some thinking to do. The Kansas camp would also know who he was on the supernatural computer. He and Gabriel were the only two fully powered angels left.

He watched Beth trying to gain the trust of these survivors. It was not all that easy. Certainly not as easy as it had been when she started finding survivors right after the outbreak. Some of them looked like they were getting ready to leave. “I get it . . . I understand that you –“ 

One woman turned to interrupt Beth. “How could you possible know what that was like? Look at you. You don’t look like you’ve lived a hard day in your life.” 

Beth sighed and said, “I was held captive in Heaven for 29 years by angels, so I grew up being imprisoned and know what that feels like. And I know what it is like to be sold. I was sold to the king of Hell . . . Someone I trust fought to get me away from him. I couldn’t do it on my own, and you can’t survive out here on your own either. I’m not asking you to trust me, but if you want to survive . . . if you don’t want to have what happened to you to happen again . . . you should stay. Nobody’s forcing you to do it, but it’s in your best interest if you do.” 

One of the men mocked her and told her to sell it someone that was willing to buy it and another said she was crazy before a third said she was lying and another actually called her a few names before they once again tried to leave. Castiel understood their reluctance to trust her, but there was no reason for any of them to be disrespectful, so he unleashed the full might of his grace to grab their attention. It frightened them, and that’s what he’d wanted to do, so they would listen to him. “She is not lying. I met her in Heaven shortly before she escaped. She has been through more than you will ever know and has fought harder battles than any of you have to survive, and yet she continues to fight for people like you in the name of what is good and righteous. You may leave, but do not insult her. I will not abide it.”

Beth touched his arm and said, “Thanks Cas, but it doesn’t really matter what they think of me. I’m –“ 

He shook his head while he looked down at her. “No, they may not insult you . . . you have earned that much respect.” One of the men asked what she’d done to earn her the right to have an angel on her shoulder, so Cas started going through the lengthy list of things he knew about her that he thought the man should know. It made Beth sigh before she sat down to rest on the ground. 

“You mean there’s more people out there that you guys have saved? Why aren’t we going to stay with them if these places are already up and runnin’?” one of women asked when he was finished. He looked down at Beth and she was asleep. When she felt uncomfortable in a situation, she often fell asleep. She fell asleep quite easily, but there was also a method to it sometimes, like when he’d died and she was left alone to guard Michael in Stull Cemetary or when she was left alone with Alistair. She could probably use the sleep anyway, because he knew that tapping into her soul was draining for her, and she’d done it yesterday all day to get a good read on the people in that trading depot. 

“One of our camps is very well organized . . . It is where most of the farming, fishing, baking takes place. They have room for more, but it is better if we begin another camp that specializes in something else.” 

One of the other women asked, “What about the other two camps?” 

Castiel thought about how best to answer that. They should not know about the problems in Kansas. “We live in South Dakota at a camp with over 1000 orphans. You do not belong there. The other one is in Kansas . . . It is full. It is better if we have more camps set up throughout the country, so overcrowding does not happen.” 

One man asked, “Why the hell does this place have to be in Iowa? Why not one of the cities out east? And whose gonna help us set it up if she lives in South Dakota?” 

Cas nudged Beth with his foot. These were questions she should be answering. He’d set it up for her to do her sales pitch. He knew she could do it, because she’d done a good job of it with those women they’d rescued from the wendigo farm. “I had help. I didn’t do it on my own,” she said sitting up. It looked like she woke up saying the last thing she was thinking before she went to sleep. They were no longer speaking about that, so he smiled briefly before telling her what they’d asked. 

Beth got to her feet to look at the group in front of her. “I think you’ve been around the block enough times by this point to know that New York, Boston, L.A . . . All of those places are death traps now. We have to rebuild. We need to make new cities. This will be one of them, and it’ll only have about 900 people. We are the endangered. We are the hunted. We are not at the top of the food chain, but we never have been. There have always been monsters. It’s just that there used to be a lot more people, so your odds of coming across one were almost nil. And for as long as there have been monsters, there have been people, like me, that hunt them to keep people like you safe. That’s why I will help you set this place up, but I will not be staying . . . I have a job to do out there. Luckily, there are more hunters like me. I will be handing you over to three that I know. They’ll be coming here to keep an eye on things until they’re sure you can handle it on your own. Meg, Abbey and Carrie. Carrie, I found in abandoned farm a couple of months after the outbreak. Abbey . . . we found her in a farm in North Dakota . . . she’s half Amazon, and yes, they’re a real thing . . . Meg . . . well, she used to be a demon, but we cured her, and now she’s all human and trying to make up for her mistakes as a demon . . . They’re all three highly qualified and very good people.”

They were still listening, so Beth used the opportunity to try and sell living here a little more. “So, why Iowa? There are numerous reasons why this camp will be here. I am going to get the electricity going again. Iowa, Wisconsin, and South Dakota are on the same power grid . . . Here you will be part of a network of camps that can help if you run into trouble. You’ll be far enough away from the Leviathan in Georgia that they won’t be an immediate concern, and they are a concern . . . What will you do while you’re here? Well, everyone will have a job. I need to know what you’re good at doing, but also what you like doing. It should be something that you want to do, because you’ll be doing it for a while. It’s time to start your lives over and make them the way you want them to be . . . I’ll be getting in touch with our outposts in Wisconsin and having them send a couple of their security personel and Shawn, their sheriff, so they can train people here that want to do security or law enforcement. They’re two separate things. You can decide if a wall will make you feel safer. If it does, then you can build one around here and put up wards to keep monsters out, or you could just put up wards . . . a wall is a lot of hard work, but it is useful. If you were an engineer, you can help make sure the electricity stays up and running . . . or if you like IT, you can be in charge of the computers behind the controls at the power station not far from here . . . We also need some doctors or scientists or both . . . Get together. Decide what you want this place to be. It could be the science hub or another farming hub, like the camp in Wisconsin . . . That is if you decide to stay, because you can go if that’s what you really want.”

“How would we get paid?” the man that asked about living in the cities asked. 

Beth exhaled a laugh and said, “The way we work is if you want something, you ask for it, and people try to find it or make it for you . . . If you do your job, you get it, because if you’re working, it means other people can do their job to get you those things . . . money will come in time, but right now we’re all just trying to survive, and we can only do that by sticking together . . . Now, I won’t lie. There is a hierarchy in our society, but it’s not based on materialistic things. It’s based on knowledge and experience . . . They’re resources that cannot be thrown away as easily as a hundred dollar bill.” 

Beth pulled one from the 1970s out of her jacket pocket and lit it on fire with her Zippo before she looked at the man and added, “This is worth nothing . . . You look like a man that used to have money . . . maybe you were upper management in a bank . . . company . . . stock broker . . . stock broker it is . . . You have skills that could be useful for helping run the civilian side of things . . . just not the supernatural or security side of things. You may be used to being well paid to be in charge . . . but you won’t be if you take the job, and let me just say now that thinking you’re better than anyone else . . . no matter what your job here is . . . that will get you into trouble. It’s what led the ones that bought and sold you to do what they did . . . and you want to know where they are now?” 

The man watched her and nodded, so she said, “Georgia . . . they’re learning a lesson on what it means to fight for other people instead of using them . . . and if they don’t learn that lesson, they will be eaten by the Leviathan . . . and the Leviathan are no joke. They could eat Cas if they wanted.”

After that quite a few people looked relieved. They’d thought that those people that had hurt them had been let go or hadn’t been punished adequately. It was interesting how humans believed that the one often held most accountable for crimes was the one determining the punishments for the crimes. It put a lot of responsibility on the shoulders of one attempting to do justice, and often times not everyone was happy. What happened when Beth let Sam live was a prime example of that. 

It looked like all these people would stay now. Especially when Beth told them to go pick out a house, because they could have any one that they wanted. They just couldn’t fight over any of them.

Over the next couple of days, Castiel sent Beth and two men that were engineers to a nearby power station while he stayed to guard the town. Tonight she’d been silent for longer than usual. He was considering going to find her when suddenly there was a buzz in the wires going over the town and lights in the houses blinked on. People came out to their lawns and looked at the lamps that lined the street. Some of them laughed. Some of them cried. Some of them danced. Some of them . . . well, that one was about to have a heart attack, so Castiel went to heal him, and the man gave him a hug and cried while he told him ‘thank you’ repeatedly. 

“You’re welcome. Beth is calling me. I believe the pumps for your water should start working soon . . . She is saying that was another reason she chose this town. It is safer to get well water to all of you and make sure that the sceptic tanks all work than it is for you to live in a city that has a water treatment facility that has not worked in quite some time . . . tomorrow, Beth and I will find food for you, so you can put it in your refrigerators and freezers. If any of those things need repairs, perhaps one of you can be in charge of fixing them. If not –“ 

One of the men raised his hand and said, “I can repair the appliances. Not sure about the wells . . . if nobody else can, I’ll try, but I can’t promise –“ 

A woman raised her hand. “I can do that. My Daddy used to do it when I was little. Might take awhile to remember how, but I can give it a try.” 

Castiel nodded in appreciation for their volunteering, and said, “After we find you food, we will leave with the engineers, so we can start getting the powergrid between here and Wisconsin working again . . . We will be back by tomorrow night to help protect the camp.” 

“Tell your girlfriend we said thanks,” one of the women said. 

“I am going to get her. You can tell her yourself, and she is not my . . . we are not . . . she is my friend.” 

One of the women looked at him strangely and said something provocative and another one said, “Well, if she doesn’t want ya, angel eyes, I think –“ 

Castiel left and went to find Beth. What that woman was going to say was highly inappropriate. When he found Beth, she was having a drink of vodka from her flask while she watched the two engineers. The engineers appeared happy in their element making repairs on things that had been broken. She enjoyed seeing them do something they hadn’t been able to do in years and was occasionally asking questions, so she could understand what they were doing. This place was amazing, a true testament to human ingenuity. 

“Hey Cas, just celebrating. We had to get the power lines between here and the town all up to scratch before they could start fixing things here. Tomorrow we’ll have to check the power lines around the state. We need to figure out what needs fixed and –“ 

Castiel immediately left to check the power lines in the state, because he wasn’t sure how close he should stay to her if he was being tracked by Kansas. He wasn’t sure that he should stay in one place for too long now that he thought about it. Maybe they shouldn’t go back to that town tonight. They could come back in the morning if he put wards up that would protect them. No, Beth wouldn’t want to leave those people unattended for the same reason he didn’t want to go back. That town needed to be protected. 

He came back with a list of places that had downed power lines, and one of the men took them all down as Castiel recited them from memory. Maybe Castiel could be the one to repair them tomorrow, so he wouldn’t be near the town or Beth. When they were ready to go, Castiel took them all back to the town. He’d stay a good distance from the town boundaries tonight and watch for anything that might attack. 

Beth stopped him before he left and asked where he was going. She still did not know that she was being hunted. “Seriously, Cas . . . what’s going on? You’ve been on edge the last few days.” 

He’d tell her once this town was up and running. “There were some women that were making advances towards me . . . It makes me uncomfortable.” It wasn’t completely a lie . . . just a half-truth. 

“Sam and Dean have the same problem. I don’t know if I’d necessarily call it a problem . . . Well, I guess it depends on how strong their advances are. You shouldn’t let anyone touch you in a way you don’t want . . . but most of the time, I think it’s harmless . . . a kind of hero worship . . . and you’re all attractive, so there’s that,” Beth answered after giving it some consideration. 

Now, he felt guilty for misleading her. He hadn’t needed it explained, but she’d gone through the effort of trying find an explanation for his problem. That she even had to think about it and did not just know it reminded him that she blindly trusted Dean when it came to other women. Dean would never stray from her. Cas would not be unfaithful to her either, and that is what it would be like if he were to take one of those women up on their offer. He knew he and Beth were not . . . together, but he had a part of her soul, and he would not sully it by being with other women. It was a gift that was too precious to treat in such a careless manner. 

Beth gave him a side-glance and said, “Come on . . . if that’s all it is, I’ll keep you safe from the ladies.” She knew he was keeping something from her. He didn’t know why he was finding it difficult to tell her what had happened in Kansas. Maybe it was because he was beginning to think that he’d have to leave his family for a while. He should bring Gadreel with him. He wondered if she’d be able to take care of his plants and fish for him. He’d ask her to do it if that’s what he decided to do. He’d think on it and know by the time they left here. He would stay alert and make sure that nothing came for this town tonight. 

Castiel was keeping watch out the window when he recognized the signs that Beth was about to have one of her nightmares. Without Dean, she always woke up and started writing in a notebook to get out what she had dreamt before falling asleep again. He did not want to pry, because she wanted it to be kept private.

He may not want to pry, but that didn’t mean, he couldn’t hear what happened in her nightmares. When she was in them, she could not differentiate between what was real and what was a dream . . . or at least that’s not what happened when she had the second nightmare last night. He’d had to wake her. To her, it had been as though she was truly there and had never left. 

Castiel thought maybe he could do something to stop them . . . at least for one night. There was only so much that the human mind could handle before it broke. When she’d come back from seeing Crowley after Crowley got the souls from Purgatory, she had not truly broken . . . she was able to recover . . . and now she woke each morning to carry on as though nothing had happened in the night, but that wouldn’t last forever. 

Walking over to sit in a chair next to her, Castiel closed his eyes while he focused on entering her dream with her. Dean and Sam had helped her as much as they could . . . in large part because they did not judge her or make her feel inadequate for having these nightmares or for what happened to her in Heaven. It helped ease some of her guilt and shame that were unnecessary, but something she felt anyway. He was sure that this would help, and he was the only one with the power to do it.


	40. Best Man for the Job

I rolled onto my back, and my eyes fluttered open. Stretching, I looked towards the window and was a little surprised that the sun was coming up. Maybe my nightmares were finally starting to get a little better. I’d slept all night, and now they were turning into fairly pleasant dreams. Last night, it went from being a pretty horrific memory to Cas kicking in my cell door and slaughtering all the Prison Security. I knew for a fact that had never happened, but thoroughly enjoyed it anyway. This might be the best mood I’d woken up in for a long time.

Hearing a thud in my walk-in bathroom, I slowly sat up. Maybe that’s why I’d woken up. Maybe I’d heard something and . . . _’What the hell am I doing? It’s my job to protect this town, and here I am laying down on the job. Where’s Cas?’_ He’d been here when I went to sleep, but there was no sign of him now. I grabbed my angel blade from under my pillow and stealthily got up to investigate a second thud in my bathroom. Rounding the corner, my calm preparation to take whatever it was out was quickly replaced with blind panic.

There was blood all over the floor and walls. Cas was swimming in it as his struggling foot kicked against the cabinet again. Blood was pouring out of his neck, and he was trying to put pressure on it, but it was a fucking neck wound. Didn’t help that he was holding onto a bottle of what looked like his grace. It was just about the last thing I expected to see. Rushing to him to help try and get control of the bleeding, I did the only thing I could.

 _Gadreel . . . or Gabriel . . . I don’t know if either of you are listening or if you’re busy, but I have an emergency regarding Castiel. I am in McGregor, Iowa . . . Last house on the right on the south side of town . . . second story . . . I can’t stop the bleeding. I need help._

“What’s he done now?” 

I moved out of the way, so Gabriel could heal Cas before I said, “He took out his grace . . . I don’t –“ 

Cas cut me off and answered, “I thought about it, and I will not leave them it. My grace is what is letting the Kansas camp track her, and I will not let them have her . . . and I have part of her soul. I do not want to be tempted into using my grace to influence her . . . This will put an end to that . . . and I saw what they did to her . . . I do not want to be an angel right now,” while he held the bottle in his hand out towards Gabriel. 

Taking the bottle, Gabriel said, “And you think you can protect them without this better than you can with it?” 

Cas nodded. “It is about skill . . . not power, and I have been de-powered before and still fought alongside them.” 

Gabriel looked at me and asked what happened tonight. “I don’t have a fucking clue, Dad . . . I guess maybe . . . I woke up thinking my dreams last night hadn’t been so bad. I thought maybe I was finally starting to get over them . . . They started off bad, but Cas broke in like a white knight and slaughtered Prison Security before it was over.”

Looking back down at Cas, Gabriel said, “You went into her dreams?”

Cas nodded reluctantly before ducking his head, and Gabriel and I sighed in exactly the same way before I muttered, “I think these memories are driving the people in my life crazier than they have me,” and turned to walk into the other room, so Gabriel could deal with Cas.

“You know you still have part of her soul . . . the-“ 

Cas cut him off by saying, “The effects are not as profound if I’m not an angel.” 

Gabriel shook his head and said, “You didn’t do this for entirely noble reasons . . . in addition to you thinking that maybe now Dean will share her with you, like a toy you two jokers can play around with . . . this solves the identity crisis you’ve been having lately . . . I’ll give you what you want. I’ll take this and give it back when I see fit . . . this was supposed to happen anyway . . . maybe not by choice, but you were supposed to walk in the shoes of humans for a time,” before he turned his back on Cas, and I gave him a hug. 

He relaxed and said, “You’re okay? You’re not going to start thinking this is your fault, are you?” 

_I don’t know what to think. It kind of caught me by surprise and not in a good way._

“Well, if it helps, I’ve got something we can do together that needs to be addressed as much as Eve does.”

I looked up at him and said, “We know where Eve is?” 

Gabriel threw Cas a glare over my shoulder. “You didn’t tell her that either?” 

“Tell me what?” 

Gabriel looked back down at me and said, “Sam and Dean have finally found her. That’s where –“

“They’re going after her without me?!”

“Castiel was supp-

“I only want to be called Cas now.”

Gabriel rolled his eyes and sighed in frustration before ignoring Cas. “ _Castiel_ was supposed to tell you. Things are not well in Kansas. I’ll fill you in on it, while we wait for the other hunters to get here. Think I’ll just send _Castiel_ back to your camp, so he can keep an eye on Rogue. Now that he’s pissed all over the gift you gave him, I don’t want to talk to him . . . And when you see him, Castiel . . . remind Dean that he made me miss my granddaughter’s first Thanksgiving, birthday, and Christmas, and he made me miss out on her calling my daughter ‘Mom’ for the first time . . . Tell him, he won’t see it coming and to expect something Beth would do, but 10x bigger.”

“I did not piss on any gift . . . I –“ Gabriel snapped his fingers, and Cas didn’t get to finish what he’d been saying. 

“You’re going to drive Dean crazy with the suspense, aren’t you? I mean that’s what you’ve been doing for a while now . . . you have to have noticed that the longer you’ve been gone, the more on guard he’s been waiting for you to get back.”

Gabriel smirked before saying, “Think I’ll keep on ignoring him and sending him messages until he asks me to put him out of his misery . . . Shouldn’t take long now that he knows for sure I’m around . . . he has no patience.”

“Figured out what you’re going to do when he asks?”

“The possibilities are endless . . . Right now, I should fill you in on Kansas and then we can figure out what to do when that delivery truck you let through finally stops.”

\--------------------------------------

“You ready to shake the walls of Jericho,” I asked as we looked at the Kansas camp . . . or where the Kansas camp was hidden behind the wards Gabriel had put up. 

“Damn . . . Forgot Joshua’s horn . . . Think this one’s on you, kiddo,” Gabriel answered to my left. 

_Yeah . . . Let’s see how they like this one. God, think you could give us a show? No casualties, but we need something to prove a point and bring the walls down._

“Pretty vague.” 

I smiled and said, “God likes a bit of creative license . . . and you trained me well on liking a good surprise,” as I started to feel the first drops of rain land on my cheek and nose. When I looked at my hands and clothes, it looked like they were drops of blood, and then the rain turned into a downpour as the ground started to rumble. Gabriel automatically stuck an arm out to stop me from falling while he said the password, so we could see the walls past the wards he’d put up. 

“Thanks for building it anyway,” I said while we watched his creation start to break apart at the seams. When a large chunk of the wall directly in front of us fell, we could see the buildings inside, and they were developing large cracks in their sides. They wouldn’t stay standing for long. 

“More fun seeing it be knocked down . . . You know how it is.” 

We grabbed our angel blades and took our first steps towards the rubble where the wall used to be. The heavens were still pouring blood, and the earth was still quaking, as we climbed up the mound and stood on top to watch the people running in terror out of their homes before the buildings crumbled. God sure did know how to give us one Hell of an entrance. 

The second our feet touched the ground inside the camp, the earthquake stopped as fast as it’d started, the clouds dispersed, and it went back to being a sunny day, but we didn’t break our stride. Our gait was confident as we made our way towards the bunker. Once the people stopped panicking and saw us, most of them stopped to stare in . . . a fear-struck kind of awe. Some of them shot at us, but Gabriel raised his right hand behind my back and stopped the bullets mid-flight and then flicked his wrist to turn those people’s guns into ballon guns. Some of the people tried to run away, so Gabriel sent his doubles to pop up in front of them and make it clear they were not to leave . . . and all the while we didn’t take our eyes off our target.

“You got that copy of the key you made before you left?” 

Took me fucking ages to make, so I kept it on me all the time. I had no idea what it was for when I was in Hell or after I got out. The number of doors I tried using it on until I got my memories back was ridiculous. I handed it over, and he said, “Wait out here. I’ll go grab him,” before he opened the bunker door and went inside. 

From the sounds of the gunfire raining down in there, I think it was probably a good idea that he went in with out me. I stood guard at the entrance and waited until Gabriel came back out and dropped Tom on the ground at our feet. To kick things off, I said, “We hear you’ve been making deals with monsters, Tom,” 

Gabriel added, “Got some blood on your hands.” 

_We are a good team . . . a good father/daughter duo, and . . . nice job on the proving a point with the blood too, God._ I crouched down to look Tom in the eye. “I’ve got a little boy and a little girl in my camp that are missing their fathers because of you and the people in this camp that have all been trained and yet were too afraid to fight for them . . . The least you owe Adrien and Jasmine for making them orphans is something for them to remember the heroes their fathers were. I want their dog tags . . . and I don’t mean that as a joke.” 

His hand was shaking as he lifted it to point at one of the men standing behind Gabriel to indicate he wanted that man to go grab what I wanted. Then he glanced at Gabriel before he looked back at me and said, “You . . . “ 

_I what? Am I angry? You could say that._

Gabriel responded to what Tom was thinking. “Yes, I’d do anything for her, and yes, it’s because she’s my daughter, but she’s not adopted. She’s all mine . . . And you’ve got it wrong. I didn’t destroy this place. It was my Father . . . the Big Guy upstairs . . . It looks like you’re remembering a time that Adam had a word with you about it . . . always liked that kid. You should’ve listened to him.” 

That was the first time Gabriel had openly acknowledged me as his daughter to people outside our immediate family . . . and it was the first time he said he’d do anything for me, which . . . I had to clamp down on what that made me feel. You can’t be a badass and start crying.

“I did the best I could . . . I kept them safe . . . I -” 

Standing to cut Tom off, I said, “Right up until you killed the two I knew about walking in here, and I think there were more now that we’re talking face to face.” I paused to appraise him. It felt like we were talking double digits. “How many?” He didn’t answer me, so I said, “Tom, how many people that we brought here for safe keeping did you murder?” 

A switch flipped inside him, and he pulled it together enough to bark, “There have to be rules! There have to be consequences for breaking them. Look at what happened when you let Sam escape punishment after he released Lucifer, and you did it again in Las Vegas. How many lives is he going to take now? How many lives have you taken to ensure that the rules are followed? I couldn’t let them leave and chance that they’d give this place away to the enemy . . . I had to keep that from happening to keep the others alive.” 

_That’s bollocks._ “The enemy already knows where this place is, Tom . . . I think you know that . . . Let’s call this what it really is . . . Murder. Now I may not know who it was, but I know there were 17.” Gabriel started listing them off for me, and by the end, I found myself pinching the bridge of my nose and taking a deep breath to remain calm. 

All of them. All the werewolves that helped us in Vegas other than Tom were gone. They weren’t just gone. They were in Purgatory, because they decided to remain werewolves. They’d wanted to protect this camp using their extra-sensory perception, strength and speed . . . But it wasn’t just the werewolves. He’d killed Devon and Steph too. I remembered saving them in Ann Arbor and being happy they’d found each other and thinking they’d be good hunters for this camp. We could have used their help out there with all these monsters this man may as well have created himself. It was vile and infuriated me. To keep a level head, I needed to shut it down. I needed to shut it all down, so that’s what I did. 

“I want all of their dog tags, and I want Devon and Steph’s belongings including their weapons.” 

Looking back into the hearts of the men behind me for a brief moment, I assessed them too. They’d willingly carried out Tom’s orders. They didn’t like the werewolves for the same reason Tom didn’t. They used to be werewolves and went with the easier option of becoming human as soon as they had the chance. It quickly became werewolf vs. ex-werewolf. The werewolves had been the noble ones, and they all knew it. 

I turned my attention to the people of the camp. The people standing there watching this trial . . . some of them loved the regime here and intentionally turned a blind eye to the way things were or actively helped the regime keep tabs on everyone else. There were enough of them to keep the ones that disagreed with it in check. The punishment for people like Deacon and Sue, who spoke out against the regime, was enough to make almost everyone here afraid enough to keep their mouths shut. This place was a mess. How did we let it get like this? Well, I guess we left someone in charge that we trusted. That was our mistake, and I was going to fix that right now.

“The real reason you had them killed and the people who killed them were willing participants had nothing to do with what you just said. You have eyes and ears everywhere here. There’s no way you would’ve caught any of the people on that list any better than you did Dean and Sam unless you knew they were leaving ahead of time, which means you wanted them to leave, so you could have an excuse to kill them and keep up this pathetic act of them going AWOL for the rest of the camp . . . the act isn’t one anyone believes, but it’s not meant to be believed. You’re giving them an alternative explanation, so they can continue to turn a blind eye to it and either join in to reap the rewards, or be too afraid to overthrow you.” 

Tom gave me a sneer and said, “Yeah? How do you figure that? You got any proof?” I didn’t need proof on this. 

I crouched down in front of him again and said, “You weren’t the Alpha anymore. By their very nature, the werewolves were higher up the food chain than you. You felt inadequate compared to them, so you overcompensated for it, and they saw you taking this place in the wrong direction . . . a cleaner, demon-free Vegas . . . and you wouldn’t listen to them, because how dare they question you. They left, because they wanted to let us know what was happening here. They wanted help from us. The ones with children wanted to stay with us and be guards at our camp so their kids could grow up there . . . Devon and Steph were too outspoken over your treatment of Deacon and Sue. They wanted to tell us about it, but they also wanted to be hunters, and you weren’t letting them do it. They wanted to hunt and make a difference . . . And that you would compare those 16 men and 1 woman that you murdered to the monsters I’ve brought to justice sickens me. 

In becoming human, you became a monster . . . a monster that thinks it is acceptable to allow human trafficking to take place, so that you could let Eve build her army . . . There are tens of thousands of monsters that we now have to kill, because there were that many people turned in the time you’ve known and didn’t tell us . . . and you’re not even sorry about it . . . just like you’re not sorry for killing the people in this camp . . . You didn’t stop at one or two. You continued to silence those that spoke out. You murdered them out of jealousy and for your own personal gain, so you could stay in charge. You would have continued to do it . . . You were planning a public execution of Sue and Deacon if they didn’t learn their lesson in the box . . . in fact, that guy over there . . . Jerry . . . He’s next on your list to take their place if the public execution doesn’t work, and Sarah and her husband are being watched too. They’re just too vocal for you.” 

“You’re eyes are doing that weird thing they do. You’re going to kill me?”

It wasn’t looking very good for Tom. “You asked about Sam? Sam’s not done yet . . . He still has one more injury to be healed, but he’s out there right now helping Dean kill Eve . . . He’s hunting and saving what humans he can find . . . Sam has been teaching the kids in our camp English, History and Math. He wants them to have an education, a future, and he wants to steer them away from hunting for their own well being, because hunting requires that you sacrifice more than he thinks they should after what they’ve already lost . . . The same kids that he orphaned and who once feared him, now love him, like a family member, because he still had . . . as I said and have said all along . . . some good in him in Las Vegas, and because I spared him, that goodness has reemerged and flourished . . . and he’s not doing any of the things he’s doing just so he can be forgiven. He does them because they’re the right thing to do . . . Will he make mistakes in the future? Yes . . . It’s what people do, but if we feel bad about our mistakes, want to change for the better, try to fix what we’ve broken, and do things to make other peoples’ lives better, instead of thinking only of ourselves, then there is hope for us . . . I do not sense the same kind of path for you, Tom.” 

Tom immediately shouted, “He killed the whole planet!” 

Yeah, Sam did that, but Tom did a pretty good job of almost eradicating what was left of us. “What have you done with what is left of it?” I asked while I stood. 

He looked me square in the eye and spat on my boot before he said, “You won’t find anyone to run this place as well as I have. You still need me.” 

I looked back over my right shoulder and said, “I already have a replacement, someone that was born to be a Men of Letters . . . someone with experience running a camp. Someone that has done such a good job running that camp that it now it runs itself, and this camp is going to need to rebuild itself.” 

Bobby finally let his presence be known as he came around the right corner of the bunker. He’d been there almost the whole time. He’d given us space to do our thing when we first got there and then came in over the wall after Gabriel brought Tom out here. Didn’t look like many had paid much attention to him while they were distracted with this trial, because they looked surprised to see him. 

“For James the werewolf, I accept the leadership role here . . . He was a good hunter, a good father, and a great man . . . Didn’t deserve to be hunted down like a dog and shot in the middle of the night while his baby girl was carried back here . . . probably kicking and screaming the whole way, cuz she is a scrapper . . . never gonna get see her grow up now . . . never gonna get to see her again,” Bobby answered while he leaned casually against the wall. For a man of few words, it was a lovely gesture on his part, a nice tribute. He spent a couple of weeks with James, so they must’ve talked a lot in the truck. 

Tom pointed at him and said, “He tried to kill you!” 

I looked back at Bobby, and Bobby said, “Got handed my punishment for it too . . . had to rebuild the main camp. Said I was sorry . . . meant it. Figured out what the problem was, and it won’t happen again . . . I’m settin’ things right now by makin’ sure she and my boys have someone they can trust to man the computer and give the hunters all the intel they need . . . seems like the right thing to do.” 

Looking down at Tom, I added, “Think I’m starting to see a pattern emerging. Don’t you, Tom?” I was trying to give him one last chance. That had been the plan walking in here until I saw how far gone he was for myself. I guess I was trying to push him into giving me something that let me know he felt bad or wouldn’t do it again, but I didn’t think he was going to give it to me. 

“He’s not,” Gabriel said answering my thoughts. 

It was harder to do with someone I knew, but in the interest of equality . . . something had to be done about Tom and the men and women that carried out his death sentences for him and with him. I made my decision. “I am going to send you to where the Alpha vamp is the way you’ve allowed so many people out there to be sent to either him or Eve. And because envy of the werewolves around here is what led you down this path, I think we’ll see what kind of man you really are . . . Die or go vamp and turn on what’s left of the human race.” 

If Tom decided to be turned and we found him when we went after the Alpha Vamp, he was as good as dead. Then he’d end up in Purgatory with the werewolves he’d already sent there. That would be true justice. Tom steeled his features before he looked up at me and said, “No . . . I want you to do it . . . in front of these people. You can get your hands dirty this time, and they can see what you really are.” 

_What I really am? What am I? A hypocrite . . . I am the longer I put this off, because I know him, or I thought I did. What happened to him? He is not the man I thought he was._

It saddened me. And this . . . what he wanted from me . . . It wasn’t because he wanted to die . . . it was for exactly the reason he said . . . his particular dislike of me might have been because of my connection to God, but the murdering of his closest friends and the men under his command when I was nowhere to be seen . . . that spoke volumes about who and what he really was. 

I wasn’t going to do what Tom said. First of all, that’s not the way this worked. They didn’t get what they wanted. They’d already gotten what they wanted up to this point. Second of all, I’d made my ruling. I wasn’t going to overturn it. I turned to give Gabriel the go ahead and Tom said, “You’d better kill me now, or I will make sure I am a vampire recruit. Then I’m going to hunt Dean down and kill him . . . get rid of both of you at once.” 

I looked at Tom and said, “Since when is Dean the weak link out of the two of us? He’s a hell of a lot better than me. If you do intentionally seek him out, tell Rick and James that I’m watching their children for them when you see them in Purgatory,” before Gabriel snapped his fingers and Tom and the people that had all been in the bunker disappeared. 

As soon as they were gone, Gabriel said, “I’ll go tell Cas, and he can tell the rest of the camp. I think the kids are up in arms wanting to help the kids they left here.” I nodded, and he left. Bobby looked at the people still standing around and said, “Don’t just stand there. We’ve got a camp to rebuild. Start going through the rubble to find what we can use . . . gonna need any scholars around here to find your things and start moving them into the bunker . . . We’ve got work to do.”

Bobby turned to follow me towards the bunker and said, “The Leviathan camp really knows where this camp is?” 

“Yeah, I think they do. Gabriel said he thought Tom was in contact with them. I guess some people Tom sent to Georgia on recon missions have gone missing too, and if the Leviathan ate them, or even just touched them . . . They’re like shifters. They get those peoples’ memories, so they would’ve known the password to get in there anyway. It’s better if people know the wards are useless now than for them to have a false sense of security . . . Keep an eye on the computer, and call the hunters in if any look like they’re heading this way. We’ll be here in a heartbeat.”

Bobby glanced at me from under the brim of his hat and said, “Looked harder for you with Tom than I’d thought it be.” 

“Yeah . . . I knew him.” 

“Knew Sam before you shot him and me before you blew up the cabins.” 

“Yeah, but . . . at the end of the day, I knew there was still good in you and Sam. This is the first time someone I’ve known has gone from being good to completely bad with no hope of returning to the good. I’ve never seen that, and I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t missing something or overlooking it if I could still find it in Sam when he was at his worst. It just wasn’t anywhere to be found.”

“Hard lesson to learn . . . how easy that balance is to tip. Somethin’ we all have to watch out for in ourselves, but it’s even harder to see it happen in the people we know . . . Now, tell me about this place. I known you’ve gotta be gettin’ off to Colorado to start up your new camp, but . . . I wanna have a couple of drinks with ya first and find out what my new home’s gonna be like,” Bobby answered before putting an arm around my shoulders. 

“Think Christmas . . . specifically designed for you and multiply it by 1000. It’s got the Spear of Destiny and more books than you could imagine.” 

He looked at me and said, “Not the . . . you ain’t kiddin’ are ya? The Spear of Destiny . . . well, I’ll be damned.” Taking his arm back, he started moving a little faster through the door. When he got to the top of the steps, he stopped to take in the sight of all the bookshelves and glass cases with relics and weapons. He looked a little awe struck, but forced himself to snap out of it, so he could investigate one of the cases at the bottom of the stairs before making his way towards the computer when it caught his eye. 

He started asking me questions on how it worked and what he had to do to pull up what we needed to know, so I started with the easier things first, like what the dots on the screen were and how to find the coordinates. “You mean to tell me they had all this . . . and all these red regions bout the size of half a big state each . . . they let them get like that without tellin’ the hunters?” 

_It would appear so._ “Yeah . . . We think the one in Oregon and Washington is where Eve is. That’s where Sam and Dean are right now. Pamela, Stephen, Gwen, and the Minister are all there with them. They’ve been there for a couple of days, so they should nearly have her . . . I think when that red region starts spreading out, you’ll know she’s dead before anyone has to tell you, because the monsters won’t have any reason to stick together if their Mother is dead. Once she’s gone, Gwen, and the Minister will stay with Gadreel and help transport people who haven’t been turned into monsters yet to . . . this place in Iowa . . . Stephen and Pamela are going to try to slow the spread of the dispersing monsters at this road, and . . . this one, so the others can get out with the survivors. 

Rufus is here in Kentucky doing recon until Gabriel, Dean, Sam, and I can meet up with him. We-“

“That Fort Knox?”

“Yeah, the monsters are using it to hold people there. I don’t know if they’re keeping them in the event they need food when the Leviathan stop eating Croats or if they’re holding them there to turn into monsters as a first line of defense against the Leviathan . . . the big red region in Georgia, or if it’s just a holding site they’re using for the people they collect from the East Coast before shipping them to the Alpha Vamp . . . up here in Vermont, where we think he’s building an Army or to Eve . . . See these small red dots in places, like Sacramento? I think those are trading posts the monsters have set up to trade guns for people, so they can send the people straight on up to Eve, so maybe Fort Knox isn’t just a holding site . . . Won’t know ‘til I get there . . . There are still a lot of hybrids out there. Crowley still has some places that are probably up and running, like that wendigo farm, but he took his attention off of them when he got distracted by the souls in Purgatory . . . but Eve’s created her fair share of them too . . . They show up on there, but they’re hard to catch, because they might flash for a second or two and disappear, but it’s impossible to see them through all the red. 

Meg, Abbey, and Carrie are already in the Iowa camp. They’ll be there for a while setting it up with Shawn and a couple of Jess’s security . . . I think that town wants to specialize in farming kind of like Wisconsin except I think they want to grow things, like potatoes, onions, sweet corn, squash, pumpkins . . . things like that . . . oh that reminds me. You have more farm animals here. I noticed that barn was the only thing left standing, so the animals should be all okay. We should check later . . . and we should check on Metatron. I don’t think he’s here anymore. I didn’t see his tribe outside, and I know Tom didn’t kill them. I think maybe he got kicked out or maybe just left after the civil war. We need to make sure he didn’t just drop the tribe off somewhere safe from here and move into a vacated Heaven.” 

I paused, and Bobby said, “Well don’t stop there . . . keep showin’ me what you’ve all been up to.” It was like he was trying to relive or understand our lives over the last couple of years through this computer screen instead of a photo album. I knew he heard about some of the hunts at Christmas, and I new he’d really enjoyed being at his own house for Christmas and seeing everyone again, and Dean had been talking to him a lot more since New Year’s, but how sad was it that we’d been out of touch for so long? 

I looked back at the screen and said, “As long as you have an idea that the town in Iowa is safe, you can tell Jody to send Carrie, Abbey, and Meg out to places nearby that look like they might be a hunt.

Cas, Deacon, Sue, Max, Ivan, and Yuri are staying in South Dakota to help Jody keep an eye on our camp. When Dean, Sam, Rufus, Gabriel and I get the people out of Fort Knox, Gabriel and I will drop the survivors in Iowa, and anybody left over from Fort Knox or Eve’s compound in Oregon will be taken . . . here in Colorado to start another camp. There’s a bioreactor there, so that’s going to be our biotech camp, and Gabriel’s going to help us get electricity going in that part of the city again, so we can start making medications. I’ll be training those people in on how to do it if we can’t find any scientists or doctors to put in charge, but I think they’ll just need to get settled into their new homes first, so while they’re doing that, Max, Ivan, and Yuri will keep them safe. Gabriel will go to the camp to keep an eye on Rogue and send Cas and I to wherever Dean and Sam are on their way to Vermont to start thinning out the Alpha Vamp’s Army. 

We’ll get the Alpha Vamp’s blood, while we’re there and then try to find who is running Hell now, so we can get their blood . . . I think we can use Gadreel’s blood for the fallen angel part and we’ll hit the Leviathan. We shouldn’t put it off too much longer if they know about this place. Gabriel said the Croats in Florida, Georgia, Alabama, Tennessee, Mississippi and the Carolinas are gone, so they’ve cleaned up a lot . . . I mean, I know there will still be a problem with Croats, the more the snow melts, but . . . at least it won’t be as bad as it would’ve been. 

You can pick the safest place to put the next camp, but I was thinking somewhere in Minnesota. We were sending the problem case survivors here . . . We thought when they got here, they’d be given a routine, be re-socialized with other people, and have an Army shrink check them out . . . he was one of the werewolves, so he’s dead now. Maybe the Minister can put a hold on hunting for a while after he’s done in Oregon and come help you out with that. I think the military structure here is a dead horse, so maybe you could come up with something the camp can do after they’re done rebuilding. It should be different than what the other camps are doing . . . keep them busy to keep them out of trouble, but make them feel useful . . . maybe something in manufacturing . . . even gun or ammo manufacturing would be useful . . . Oh, that reminds me. 

This area here that follows this road going northeast from the Iowa camp towards Wisconsin . . . keep an eye on that, because we have the electricity up and running for the Iowa camp, and we’re trying to get the power grid for Iowa, Wisconsin, and South Dakota going again, but the engineers have to repair the power lines and power stations, and right now that’s the road they’re on. Maybe when they’re done with that, we could start working on getting the electricity going down here, so you can have the power to do manufacturing or farming or food canning if Iowa sends their surplus food down here or whatever you want. Oh, and Sam and I are working on a curriculum for the schools in all the camps, so the kids can all learn the same things. See if you find the right people to be teachers. We want the kids to have a shot at a semi-normal future.” 

Bobby looked like he might tear up while he looked at the screen. He looked away for a second to blink them back, so I couldn’t see, before he said, “Well, I sure am proud of you guys. To think we started with one cabin in Wisconsin, and it’s turning into this . . . why don’t you show me how to find Gadreel on here, so I can keep track of Dean and Sam . . . and then you can show me the liquor cabinet and those cars I heard about at Christmas,” as he searched out roughly where he thought the guys might be on the screen. 

I had the feeling he was going to be keeping a close eye on that dot after I found it in the sea of red and showed it to him. He’d keep an eye on all the dots to make sure nothing got too close to the camps, and he’d keep an eye on the monsters that may already be dispersing out of Oregon and the ones in Georgia and Vermont, but he was definitely going to keep an eye on what Dean and Sam were doing on a regular basis to make sure he could give them fair warning on anything heading their way and to generally just check up on them. He was definitely the best man for the job.


	41. Finding Balance

“Bite me.”

_Come on. Come on. Come on, you bitch._ Finally, Eve took the plunge and sank her fangs in Dean’s neck, and he found himself feeling briefly relieved that’d worked as she stepped and started choking. 

The first thing out of Sam’s mouth was, “Thought we weren’t supposed to follow what Beth said about that show anymore.”

“Ah, come on, Sammy. I was crazy at the time . . . not gonna mess up one of the times I know I got right.” Neither of them paid much attention to the dying Eve as she crumpled to the floor on their way out the door. She could look like his Mom all she wanted. Dean knew where his real Mom was, and he’d talked to her recently . . . maybe not since the civil war, but he knew she was up there if Michael had been able to use Adam as a vessel. Wasn’t just that . . . neither one of the really felt all that good about putting Eve down. 

It’d taken too long to finally find her and too many people had been turned into monsters in the meantime. At this point, Eve was a loose end they needed to tie up before moving onto the real problem . . . her army. It was going to be running around leaderless and chowing down on any people it might find. By killing Eve, he and Sam hadn’t prevented anything. Now there were tens of thousands fewer humans out there, and there couldn’t have been much more that left to begin with . . . it was starting to feel like maybe all that was left was what was in the camps in Wisconsin, South Dakota, and Kansas . . . Kansas. What a colossal waste heap that place was now. Should just go back, get the people who wanted to leave, and burn the rest of the place to the ground . . . tell the people there to go fuck themselves and grab the computer to bring back with them to South Dakota.

“Beth has already done that.” Dean stopped walking and looked at Gadreel. 

“Done what?”

“She and Gabriel leveled the Kansas camp, sent the ones in charge to the Alpha Vampire, and replaced them with Bobby. She got the werewolves' dog tags . . . 15 were killed, not just the 2 you thought, and there were two young hunters that had been there who were also murdered. She has their belongings. She wants to have a memorial service to honor all of them the next time all of the hunters come back to the camp.”

“Anyone die . . . other than the ones she sent to the Alpha Vamp?”

Gadreel shrugged. “No loss of life. I think she was hoping the ones sent to the Alpha Vampire would choose to become vampires, so that when you go to kill them, they’ll be sent to Purgatory and have to face the werewolves they killed.” Dean found himself smiling at that. Wouldn’t mind seeing how that played out. She did a good job.

“She told you, or –“

“Gabriel did.” 

So, Gabriel was definitely back. “Any other messages we need to know about?”

Gadreel hesitated, and then said, “Castiel has torn out his grace.”

_Crap!_ Couldn’t have picked a worse time for it. They needed him on this monster thing. Dean had thought he and Beth had talked Cas around, but something must’ve happened. “He all right?”

“Beth prayed to me and Gabriel when it happened. She sounded distressed, but Gabriel told me he would take care of it . . . He also told me to tell you that when he’s ready to deal with you, you won’t see it coming.” 

_Crap. Whatever it is, I’ve got it coming._ “Anything else?”

“Beth and Gabriel have come up with a battle strategy. They want me to take you and Sam to Fort Knox. Rufus is already there. It’s where that truck we let go went. There are apparently many people being held there. Once you’re there, I will come back here and help the hunters get any humans being held in pens free. I have to tell Stephen and Pamela the roads they need to use to ambush the monsters, so that we can get the trucks of survivors out, and we will take them to the new camp Beth and Castiel set up in Iowa. It has electricity, well water, and will hold 900. When no more fit there, she and Gabriel will begin another camp in Colorado . . . I think she can tell you the rest. It was a detailed plan.”

Sam finally spoke up and said, “What about the kids at the camp?”

Gadreel looked at him and answered, “Gabriel said that the kids have been told that their friends in Kansas have been saved, so they are happy.”

“No, I mean, when are we going to have time to go back to them if we’re doing all these plans? What else does she want us to do, because something tells me it’s not going back to the camp.”

Sam had a point, but the people being held in Fort Knox needed to be saved, and they had to find somewhere to put all those people if there were a lot, so new camps had to be set up for them. Maybe after they did that, they could go back to the camp for a visit.

Gadreel decided to address Dean. “She wants to get people settled into the Colorado camp, and you and Sam to start driving towards the Alpha Vamp after Fort Knox. When some hunters from your camp arrive to keep the people in Colorado safe, she wants Gabriel to stay in South Dakota and send she and Cas to you and Sam, so you can reduce the vampire army’s size . . . it’s about ½ the size of this army, and she wants to get the Alpha Vamp’s blood, so you can start working on a plan of attack for the Leviathan. If they know where the Kansas camp is and maybe where the Wisconsin camp is from the recon soldiers that were lost, then she wants to put an end to them as soon as possible.”

Dean hadn’t even thought about it, but most of the people in Kansas did know where the Wisconsin camp was. They couldn’t afford to wait on the Leviathan anymore. To keep Sam from bitching about it, Dean said, “Take Sam back to South Dakota. Then pick up Cas and send him to Rufus and me in Kentucky. One of us should stay with the kids, and Sam’s teaching more classes.” As Sam opened his mouth to protest Dean said, “Electricity, huh? She got started back up again?”

Sam listened to Gadreel tell them what he knew about the electricity for about 30 seconds before he couldn’t hold back anymore. “You gave them your word, Dean.”

Dean sighed and told Gadreel to tell the other hunters the plan, and then focused on Sam. “I know I did Sam . . . first rule of helping them to grow up is making sure they do . . . can’t let those Leviathan take out all our camps. And we’re gonna find a lot of people here and in Fort Knox. Those kids need to know they’re not the only people out there. Hope is something they need to want to grow up.”

“Yeah, but don’t you get it? You are their hope. They need to see you. You’re their Dad now. Maybe not as much as you are Rogue’s, but she needs to see you too.”

He knew that. Weird as it sounded, he was the camp Dad. “I’ve spent 2 months solid with Rogue . . . couple of weeks isn’t gonna do her any harm. Being eaten by monsters or Leviathan will. She’ll miss me, but that’s a good thing, and she knows I’m at work . . . She even said it before I handed her off to Jody.” 

She’d just known that he was going to leave again and said, ‘Work?’ It’d thrown him at first, but then he'd smiled and told her, ‘That’s right. Dad’s going to work, but I’ll be back when I’m done,’ and she’d nodded, like she understood before she said, ‘drum,’ and that’d made him laugh and say, ‘Yeah, we’ll play with your drum all day when I get back.’ Earned him a smile and a hug. She’d be okay, and as for the other kids? “When we left a couple of days ago, what did the other kids say?”

Sam slumped. “They wanted to know why you were wasting time there that you could be using to save people that needed saving out there in the trading posts . . . But they don’t understand –“

“They do, Sam. Beth and I have both sat them down before and told them that we mean it when we tell them we’ll do something, but sometimes things come up that have to be dealt with. They know it won’t be like this for forever.”

“So, you two will do whatever you have to do to keep your word to each other, but not them?”

Dean sighed. “I guess . . . yeah, if that’s the way you want to look at it.” He was doing the best he could. 

“I get it, Sam . . . Scaling back on hunting, so I can spend more time at the camp isn’t an easy transition to make. I don’t have it all worked out yet, but if you fill them in on what’s going on when you get back, they’re gonna think setting up two new camps is awesome, cause it is . . . And one of the new camps has electricity, Sam . . . Won’t be long until Wisconsin does, and then we do. They need to hear things like that more . . . You know walking out of that diner just now, I was thinking we’re all that’s left . . . Us and Wisconsin, and a bunch of dickheads we should cut loose in Kansas . . . If I’m thinking it, I know they have to be thinking it too, and now we find out there are maybe 2 camps-worth of people still out there . . . That’s the kind of hope they need. It’s the kind of hope I need . . . Finding nothing but dickheads that fuck over other people to save there own asses was starting to make me wonder why I’m even out here doing all of this . . . It’s so we can find the people who aren’t strong enough to fight back. They need someone to stand up for them. Someone, like Beth, my traveling judge of a girlfriend, and someone like us, hunters who will put their lives on the line to save their lives when nobody else can or will. That’s the kind of person those kids need me to be. As long as I’m that, I’ll never let those kids down.”

“Okay.” Dean was a little surprised Sam left it at that. “Maybe I should have Beth teach a speech writing course. You talk a lot more than you used to before you met her.” 

Dean laughed. Maybe he did. “Sometimes it’s the only thing that works . . . feels like people listen less than they used to so you’ve just gotta keep going until you hit the right chords.”

“To play them?”

“Yeah, but if it’s true is it really playing them?” 

Sam laughed and rolled his eyes. “Okay, I’ll tell the kids what’s happening, and I’ll focus on the good, like Eve being dead and the new people we’ve found . . . Let me know when you’re ready to go after the Alpha Vamp, and I’ll help with that too.” Yeah, he would. For now, he was mostly looking forward to his and Beth’s big heist . . . Fort Knox? Couldn’t get much bigger than that.


	42. Being Human

Cas waited around the corner of the house for Sam to finish his secret rendezvous. When Sam came back around the building, he stopped abruptly at the sight of him. “Was that Gabriel?” It did not look like Sam was going to answer as he threw his eyes towards the sky and exhaled in frustration before side-stepping him. It’d seemed like a valid question. The only reason Cas had not been able to go to Kentucky with Dean and Beth was because Gabriel was also going to be there and had vetoed it. “What did he say?” Cas asked trying the more direct approach as he turned to follow Sam. 

“That he’s mostly been getting gear that Beth and Dean need for their high tech heist . . . stuff you could’ve gotten them if you were still an angel.”

“Why didn’t he tell me that himself?” 

Sam stopped, and said, “He doesn’t want to talk to you right now.” This wasn’t about him pissing on anything. This was because he’d removed his grace. Cas did not regret doing it. He may have at first, but the more he thought about it, the less he did . . . not after what he’d seen Prison Security do to Beth that time. He did not want to be a part of a family or even species that could do that. Humans had their own faults, but at least they were not angels.

He did not even think that being human had effected his fighting that much. He was better than Sam at sparring, and he was better than Sam at throwing a knife. His eyesight was different as a human, so it had taken a little while for him to adjust to the crossbow. He’d used one in previous battles . . . the last one had been several millennia ago, but it was not hard to pick up again, and now he was better at Sam with one of those too. If he was good at that, he should be good at shooting a gun, so he didn’t understand why nobody would let him have one on Sam’s orders. Maybe he would take one of Beth’s that he knew was hidden under the floorboards in her room and use it tonight, so that he could get practice. He would not know how to clean it or take it apart, but if 6-year old children around here could do it, he could.

“Is he talking to Dean?”

“He’s staying invisible and doing things to unsettle Dean. He still won’t talk to him either.” Well, at least Cas wasn’t the only one Gabriel wasn’t talking to right now. If Gabriel was playing pranks on Dean, then perhaps Cas was glad he wasn’t here for that. “Come on, Cas. Let’s see if they need help getting things ready for breakfast in the morning.”

Food . . . that was something he was enjoying about being human. At the moment his favorite was fruit cocktail, but Sam and the kids said he had to eat more than just that. He also liked tinned oranges, but they wouldn’t just let him eat that either even though he traded some of the kids for theirs at meals. His third favorite was macaroni and cheese and then chicken and vegetable stew. He was hoping that when Dean came back, Dean would teach him how to cook. Sam said that there was a class on teaching that Cas could take if he wanted, but Dean didn’t teach that, and Cas had heard from Beth enough times that Dean was an amazing cook that he wanted to learn from him. Dean would not teach him like an imbecile. 

While helping Sam get things prepared for the cooks in the morning, Cas wondered what porridge with raisins and cinnamon would taste like. He did not like the look of it, so he hadn’t tried it yet, but the kids seemed to enjoy it, or most of them did when they added some sugar to it. He did like eggs. He also liked toast, but only if it had butter. 

“Are you going to change your clothes tomorrow?” Cas looked from the bacon he was slicing down to his clothes.

“What is wrong with my clothes?”

“You’ve just been wearing the same thing since you came back . . . they’re Dean’s clothes.”

They were Dean’s clothes, but his clothes had been covered in blood, so he’d burned them, and any other clothes Cas had were in a bag in Iowa that Gabriel sent him here without. Cas thought back to something Dean used to say to Adam and said, “Do I smell?”

Sam began laughing whole-heartedly before he put his knife down and tried to breath through the laughter. “A little, Cas, but I don’t think most of us smell all that great anymore all the time. You’re taking showers after training the way I said, and you’re using deodorant the way I said . . . it’s just maybe if you change your clothes, the showers would do more good. I was thinking more that maybe you might be tired of wearing the same thing. We have clothes in your size, so you can get something else if you want . . . something that’s yours, not your vessel’s, not hand-me-downs from Stephen, and not Dean’s.”

Oh. That was actually pretty nice of Sam. “Do you have anything in blue?”

Sam snickered a little, because he found that funny before he stopped himself and said, “Yeah, I think we have a lot of different shades of blue shirts if you want . . . you want blue jeans or –“

“Blue jeans are harder to tear?” Now that he couldn’t just fix his clothes using his powers, he didn’t want something that would need to be repaired often.

“Yeah, think we should have some of those in your size too . . . So, you like blue, huh? You used to have that blue tie you wore all the time. Is it something you’ve always liked or something new?”

Cas went back to cutting thin slices of bacon and said, “Colors look different than the way that I am used to seeing them, and I never used to attach any kind of importance or particular thought to something like a color . . . but I find I do automatically now. Blue is my favorite and then green. They are tranquil.” 

“What else do you like that’s different now?” 

“I like using the crossbow. I haven’t used one in a few thousand years. It is more challenging now. The difference in depth perception and what is needed to make sure that the shot is accurate makes it like it is a new experience.” 

“You did good today . . . better than yesterday. You could try the tranq gun tomorrow if you want . . . see what you think of it.” 

Cas stopped to look at Sam and see if he was being serious. It looked like he was, so Cas smiled and went back to work. “Is it like the paintball gun I used on the trucks in Las Vegas?” 

“That was you?” Cas nodded, so Sam said, “Yeah, pretty close . . . closer than a real gun.” 

He’d try it tomorrow then. He needed to be prepared to help them when the time came for them to fight the Alpha Vampire’s Army, so being able to use the tranquilizer gun was an excellent idea. “We have to sedate the Alpha Vampire in much larger quantities of dead man’s blood than can be administered from a crossbow . . . larger quantities than what works on normal vampires in the darts you use as well. He is the most powerful monster on the planet other than the Leviathan. In a lot of ways he is more difficult to kill than Eve because of how close we will have to get to him in order to take his head.” 

Sam stopped cutting and said, “Dean had to let Eve bite him to kill her. Don’t think we’ll have to get that close.” 

Cas shook his head slightly. “If you are close enough to remove the Alpha’s head, you are close enough to be bitten, but there is no weakness for being bitten that you could exploit the way Dean did with Eve . . . It would mean certain death unless you become his pet, and I do not think he makes pets out of those that mean to kill him. He also has the strength to be able to rip you limb from limb and can move as fast as you saw the angels move in Heaven, except that he is on Earth. He is a near perfect creation in monster evolution . . . If we want to defeat him, we have to respect him and not think of him as just another vampire or monster that needs to be vanquished.” He had Sam’s full attention now, so Cas added, “Also keep in mind that Eve was his Mother . . . his loyalty to her stemmed from his familial connection to her. Her death is something to consider as a motivating factor for his actions against us when we finally see him.” 

Sam put his knife down and turned to face him. “Near perfect . . . but not perfect.” 

“He has two vulnerabilities . . . dead man’s blood and taking his head. They are just extremely difficult tasks to complete. Leviathans are perfect. My Father created them himself . . . Eve evolved from them and from Eve, the Alpha’s . . . The Leviathan are a testament to God’s creativity and demonstrate His dislike of destroying one of His creations unless it is for the one creation that He loves the most . . . humans. Humans are the reason God put Leviathan in Purgatory.” 

“But they were created and locked away a long time before humans . . . why –“ 

“I was not around for it, but the way it is told is that there were many initial attempts at the evolution of life on this planet . . . with the ultimate goal being the creation of humans. The Leviathan kept devouring all of those attempts. The last time that it happened, life made it all the way to the emergence of the first humans before the Leviathan ate them. Frustrated, God built Purgatory to separate them and started over again. He created more angels at that time, because the Leviathan had consumed them all except for the archangels, and He did it, so the angels could ensure humanity would eventually arise and survive. That’s when I was created . . . I saw the first life crawl out of the ocean and onto land this time around . . . I almost stepped on it –“ He was cut off when Sam went from listening to him to laughing. Cas thought about what he’d said and could see the humor in it, so he grinned before glancing at Sam. 

Sam watched him with a look of respect before saying, “You’ve really been around that long? That’s like . . . billions of years if you were around for that.” 

Cas nodded while he concerned himself with grabbing another large piece of bacon to begin slicing. They needed a lot of bacon for almost 1000 people. 

“What were dinosaurs really like?” 

Cas tilted his head to the side while he thought about it before looking back down to continue his work. “Big . . . They had feathers. They were smarter than humans think, or at least the carnivores were. They would’ve devoured everything that lead up to humans too, so they had to go.” 

Sam got back to cutting his bacon and glanced at Cas before saying, “And you don’t miss it . . . being one thing for so long, and now you’re not?” 

Cas shook his head. “No . . . not yet. But I’m not completely like you either. I experience things and feel them the way you do now, but angels don’t have souls. We were not meant to have them. I am still me, so whatever makes me the way that I am . . . the core of my essence . . . it has not been altered. I still have not figured out why, but I think there is more to being an angel than merely having grace and wings . . . Anna had something similar to a soul when she was human, and yet it was not quite a soul. It was more faint than a soul.” Cas looked down at where his soul should be if he had one and wondered if Gabriel knew the answer to that. 

“So, you’re a human, but you don’t get the full human benefits package? What happens if you die, Cas?” 

“The same thing that happened when Zachariah killed me . . . There was nothing.” 

Sam was quiet for a few seconds and then said, “Except now you don’t have the benefit of being an angel to make that harder.” That was accurate, so Cas nodded and Sam said, “Maybe it’d be better if you didn’t -“ 

“Hunt? I still fought when I was de-powered. This is the same thing, except now I can understand you and those I fight for better than I did then. You have never had angelic abilities, and yet you keep fighting . . . The same goes for Dean and Beth.” 

Sam ducked his head in thought. “Yeah, but we die all the time . . . We just keep getting brought back because there’s something to bring back, and you still had wings when you were cut off from Heaven . . . You could still move faster than you can now.” 

Death did not concern him, so Cas said, “I believed that Dean would stop the Apocalypse. I was prepared to die to make sure he could. I did not run from it then, and I will not run from it now. Getting rid of the evil in the world, protecting the first real family that I’ve had in all my time . . . protecting humanity . . .That is what is important, not what happens to an angel that has been around for longer than life has been walking on dry land.”


	43. Fort Knox

“I’m not wearing that.”

Beth sighed. “Well, then you’re not going in there Dean. Neither one of us are going in as prisoners here.”

Dean looked at the spare clothes in her hand and said, “How many of them are going to come with us if we look like that?”

“We’re wearing them under our new suits.”

“All right. Then how many are going to come with us if we smell like that?”

Beth, continuing to hold the spare t-shirt and black pants out towards him, looked off the side towards the depository before she said. “All of them will come with us, Dean, but we have to get in as guards, and the only way to do that is to look like a guard, act like a guard, and smell like a guard more than we do the prisoners if the monsters can hear our heartbeats . . . Do you want me to ask Rufus if he’ll –“

Dean snatched the clothes she must’ve lifted off a monster she killed before he got here and turned to go put this crap on. Wearing a t-shirt and black pants that were covered in dried crusty monster blood was just about the last thing he wanted to do . . . he'd be okay with putting this crap on over his clothes, but no . . . these monsters all liked to look business-like now without a hair out of place, so he had to put the t-shirt on under his white dress shirt and the slacks were just gross. 

As he slipped the slacks on, and tried to push his foot through where the leg was glued together with the dried blood, he heard her mutter, “Least it’s dry,” and he might’ve relaxed a little, but not much. It was still gross, but not as gross as if it was cold and wet. Beth must’ve noticed it'd made a difference to him, because she added, “And it’s not hellhound blood.”

He glanced back at her over his shoulder and said, “Least with that, I felt like I earned it. What’d you lift these off of anyway? Wanna know what I’m gonna turn into if I’ve got any cuts this stuff gets into.”

“Mine’s an okami . . . yours is some kind of a hybrid. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

_An okami?_ He rushed through pulling his head through the t-shirt, so he didn’t have to have his face in it for long and said, “You trying to tempt fate?” 

“No . . . As warpaint goes, I thought it was fitting. Besides, I don’t have to worry about fate right now . . . not with Death not letting me die until my soul is fixed. I could probably drown, lose every drop of blood, and not die.”

“Probably shouldn’t though . . . I mean, I’d still think you were hot if you walked around looking like a zombie, but you’d probably scare our daughter.”

“Are you kidding me? Think she’d like me more if I was a monster.”

Dean snorted as he pulled the button up white shirt on over the t-shirt. Buttoning it up, he thought about how much his daughter loved her Pet Monster. Still carried that around with her everywhere. Her next favorite was the tiger, and then it was a baby seal Beth got her, and then the Eeyore. She had them stashed around the place, so she could pull them out when she wanted one, but the Pet Monster was like her friend that she went with everywhere. 

“Yeah, I guess her best friend is half-monster.” Dean turned to look at Beth, while he threw the suit jacket on and added, “She punched Lily the other day.” Beth, wearing her own suit, looked over at him for an explanation, and Dean said, “Lily called me Dad the way Rogue does, so Rogue punched her and said, ‘No Dad.’” 

“What’d Lily do?”

Nothing monster-y. She could have, and that’s why he’d been quick to separate the two of them, but he hadn’t really had anything to worry about. “She, uh . . . she started crying and reaching for me, so I picked her up and told Rogue not to hit, but then I thought about it and told her not to hit unless she was protecting herself or someone else and tried explaining it, but I don’t know how much sunk in . . . I think seeing Lily cry made her feel bad . . . she started crying too when I told her ‘no’ . . . like she was upset she disappointed me or something . . . I might've yelled it . . . I just didn’t want - With Lily being unpredictable, I didn’t know how she was gonna react.”

“It’s okay to tell her ‘no’ when she does something wrong, Dean. Something tells me she’s going to be a hitter. She should probably learn-“

“Why?”

“Because she’s your daughter.” He laughed at the look on Beth’s face. Someone thought he should think it was the obvious answer.

“You ready to do this?” 

Beth put her sunglasses on and gave him a nod. Now she looked like monster secret service. He put his own shades on, and they headed down to the front gates, so the could pick the right moment in all the organized chaos to join the monsters in bringing in the new shipments of people. The hardest part was keeping his anger in check when he saw a monster do something like shove a person or having to make himself not pick someone up who fell. Monsters wouldn’t do that.

Once they got inside the walls of the depository, they got stopped and tried to blend into the background, while they got accustomed to their surroundings.

_”I go left. You go right?”_

At times like this, their connection was awesome. _“Not so sure about separating now that we're in here.”_

_“I know, but we have to do it if we don't want to spend all day in here. We need to get an idea of what kind of monster numbers we’ll be dealing with if things go wrong, and we have to familiarize ourselves with the layout, so we can find another way out if the back is blocked for some reason.”_

“All right. Take the hall to the left. I’ll go right. Clear the rooms and hide the bodies if it comes to that. Don’t take any big numbers on by yourself.”

_“Okay . . . here. You might need this.”_

Dean looked at the slightly larger than normal sized-flask she was holding out to him. “We drinking on the job?” 

Beth looked at it and thought, _“That’s nothing you want to drink . . . It’s some of my blood with silver shavings and anti-coagulants to keep it from glooping up.”_ He took it from her, and asked if she had one for her. _“Yeah, and I have another one with some lamb’s blood in case I need it for the djinn. No vamps here except a couple of the drivers, so they must be up in Vermont, but I have dead man’s blood if we need it too.”_

_You think of everything?_

She patted one of the inside pockets of her jacket, and thought, _"Almost thought I forgot my copper wire, but I'm good._ Copper wire? Why'd she need copper wire? He wondered how she found somewhere to put everything. She was crap at packing her bags . . . mostly just tossed things in without caring how they landed, but somehow she found ways of having what they needed on her, so she didn't have to bring her bags with her most of the time. Maybe it’s because a lot of the stuff she carried was miniature, like small cans of spray paint or flasks.

It looked like she was ready to go, but he was still having second thoughts. Before he could say them, she looked at her watch and said, “Meet back here in 15?” He could live with 15. “And try not to get dosed by anything.” Just had to say that before she took off. Totally forgot about that part of their connection . . . on the other hand, she’d been pretty bad ass at that monster depot a few days ago, so she’d probably be all right . . . as long as he didn’t let himself get dosed. 

After swiping a keycard from a monster, Dean went down one hallway after another, opening doors to see what was inside, and then shutting them if they were full of monsters or killing the odd monster all on its lonesome to whittle down their numbers. He wondered how the hell they had electricity up and running here. Generators maybe? Didn’t really matter. It’s just that the more he thought about it, the more he thought, that he needed to find out where the security cams were being monitored, so he could take them out before they got to the vault. The vault had to be where the people were being held. 

In fact, he might’ve thought he needed to find where the cameras were being monitored to the point that his 15-minute deadline came and went without him noticing until about 15 minutes later. Time flew when you were in situations like this. He wondered if Beth was looking for him or if she’d gone in without him. One more room . . . that’s all he was gonna check, and then he was going to go back. His Beth tracker was telling him she was several floors blow him, so he was pretty sure she was in the vault already.

Walking through the door, he felt himself relax to get ready for anything. This was the right room. It’s just that there were about 10 monsters in it. One of them glanced at him and then did a double take. “Who are you supposed to be?” The rest all looked at him after that one said something, and it kind of put Dean on the spot.

Deciding to play the drunken fool, Dean stumbled around before reaching for his flask. “Mother’s dead . . . I wanna . . . I wanna drink a toast.” They all sighed and shook their heads before returning their attention to the monitors, so Dean went around the room knocking into things and trying to find enough cups for all of them . . . looked like there were some plastic cups he could use. 

On his way around the room distributing cups, he fell into a monster that was sitting at its monitor and told it to watch where it was going. It looked up at him and gave him a weird look. “Why do you smell human?” 

_Knew there was no fucking point to me wearing this blood._

“You been snacking between meals?” 

_Oh._ Dean plastered a sloppy grin on his face while he took the flask out of the inside pocket of his jacket. “Got my own stash . . . right here . . . was savin’ for an . . . occ-sion . . . 50/50 blend . . . 20-year old scotch . . . 18-year old virgin.” _Come and get it, you sick fucks._ Seemed to work. Now they were all coming to investigate. Pouring a shot for all 10, Dean raised the flask to get them all to do the same with their cups, and then said, “To Mother.” They all touched their cups and solemnly said, “To Mother,” before downing theirs. 

Dean held back and waited for it. “Feels like it’s got a kick all right, but are you sure there’s scotch in this?” _Wait for it._ That’s right around when the first one started coughing. Dean grabbed the handle of the machete hidden under his suit jacket, and swung the blade through the neck of the nearest monster that wasn’t coughing before turning his attention to the other one. By the time he was done with those 2, the other 8 had collapsed onto their knees as the poison kicked in. _That stuff work long term, or just long enough to get me out of here?_ He didn't know, so he pulled his silver knife and got to work making sure they stayed down permanently. 

Walking past the bodies to get to the monitors, he wondered if he should do something else with the two he’d decapitated. They were probably hybrids, like he was supposed to be. He’d deal with it when he had to . . . just couldn’t let them get the drop on him the way that aswang did . . . It took him about 5 minutes of playing ‘Where’s Waldo?’ to find Beth in the crowds. She was still dressed up like a monster, so the people were trying to stay clear of her as she made her way around the side of the room.

It looked like she was killing the monsters one at a time without anyone noticing. If she killed them along the wall, she helped the bodies slide to the floor and then talked to them, like they were alive, while she posed them to look like they were just resting against the wall . . . couple of monsters that Dean could see in the middle of the room looked dead too, but they were still on their feet and propped up against the pillars . . . maybe she tied them to look that way, so at a glance, it would seem like they were still standing guard? Must be why she needed the copper wire. 

Dean noticed she had a radio she must’ve lifted off of one of the monsters, so she could hear what was going on around the camp. Maybe he could use that. Turning back to search the nearest monster to his feet, he found one and tried to think of something to say. “Gonna need 4 from the vault to help with the next shipment we’ve got coming in.” 

Trying to hide his laugh, he watched Beth stop and look around for him. “Not you 4. You 2 on the right and the 2 at the back.” She looked up at one of the cameras before she shook her head and turned her back to the camera to keep an eye on the 2 big monsters heading past her towards the vault door. As soon as they went past, she put her hand up and signaled 4, so Dean said, “Scratch that . . . They’ve been busy in Texas . . . gonna need 4 more . . . yeah, now you 2 can go . . . bring the 2 next to you with you.” 

Beth pulled out her thermal camera and used it to scan the crowd after the monsters he’d told to go to the front gates left the vault. When she was done, she gave him the signal for 'all clear.' Was that it for monsters? The rest standing around the place must all be dead. She hadn’t wasted any time killing them anyway. Probably killed as many in there as he had in the half hour it’d taken him to find the control room.

Beth looked back up the camera and put up 5 fingers. She was giving him 5 minutes to get down there. Then she put up 5 fingers twice. She’d send 10 people out at a time, and he was going to lead them out the back entrance to Gabriel and Rufus. 5 minutes wasn’t much time, but he hadn’t had much trouble getting this far, and he’d have to get down there to help her when those 8 monsters came back wanting to know why they were sent outside for a shipment that wasn’t coming. Might even come up here to find out what was going on. 

After smashing the monitors, Dean passed by the two headless bodies again on his way to the door and decided to take the heads with him. The first door he passed, he opened, killed the monster in there and moved onto the next one to see what he found in there . . . monster taking a nap at its desk. That was perfect. 

Going back to shake a little more blood out of the heads, so they left a trail leading from the control room to this office, Dean then snuck inside, covered his spare machete in blood, and put it on the monster’s desk, just a couple of inches away from its hand. He held his breath when the monster started to stir, but it fell back asleep a few seconds later, so he finished up by putting the 2 heads on the desk facing the door. 

That monster was his fall guy. Dean didn’t know how much time it’d buy them, but it’d buy them some . . . maybe enough. He should’ve really cleared the back instead of coming up here, but he hadn’t, so he’d kill whatever monsters he had to on his way out with the first batch of people. After that, he and Beth would have to take it from there. Should be all right though. What he was really looking forward to was being able to use the big artillery Gabriel had gotten them to bring this place down after the people were out.


	44. Winning Them Over One Monster Kill At a Time

“If you ain’t monsters, then why the hell are ya dressed, like ‘em?” 

Dean and I shared a look, and then Dean looked over my head at Rufus to indicate that Rufus should take the introductory speeches on this one. As soon as Rufus walked up to the group, yelling that they were a bunch of morons if they couldn’t see we had to go in undercover to infiltrate the monsters in order to save them, Dean said, “The last ones this angry?” 

“Yes and no . . . This . . . this feels more like they don’t trust us. I think the last time they trusted me enough to insult me and think they could get by with it until Cas told them he wouldn't let them.” 

Dean looked at the 2000 or so people we’d gotten out of the vault before he said, “When you did your thing in Kansas . . . you asked God for help and tapped into your soul?” 

_"Yeah, but I don’t know what that has to do with anything.”_

“Theory I’m working.”

“If you’re thinking it’s because of the God connection thing . . . I think that’s what it was more with the people from Rhode Island. They thought I was a princess that never lived a hard day in my life . . . and got handed an angel on my shoulder for some reason”

Dean looked back down at me and said, “You know?”

I knew. I just didn’t know how to explain it. “Imagine living your life knowing you’re not like anyone else you’ve ever met in person . . . everyone around you is a . . . purple and green spotted alien, and they’re all mean . . . but you’re able to look down from your space ship and see other things like you on the planet down below. You know that’s where you should be, so you do everything you can to get there, but when you arrive . . . You’re not quite the same as them. It’s like some of the green spots rubbed off on you, which already puts you at a disadvantage, but you’ve also stepped through a ray on your way to the transporter that sent you there. All anyone you meet can see in addition to the green spots is a big giant tattoo on your forehead that says, “Privileged . . . must destroy,” and to the ones that can’t see past that . . . it means that you are something they dislike . . . something they want to experiment on to see how far they can push you . . . and when they see they can push you pretty far without you breaking or turning against them . . . they decide they want to kill you . . . and not just you, but everyone around you that can see past the green dots and the tattoo on your forehead . . . You have to learn to read the signs that those experiments are going to begin because of what it means for everyone else in your life . . . sometimes there are just looks and observations, but when they start experimenting on you straight away . . . you know that is what they are doing, and you prepare for it. You also know when it’s not that.” 

Dean sighed and then said, “So, if you think this is just them being afraid of us ‘cause of what we’re wearing, and it was worse at the last place . . . You did the soul tapping thing the day before at the trading depot or whatever, right?” I nodded, and Dean said, “Well, then you need to stop doing that. It makes it worse . . . I mean, Bobby started going downhill after you did the first time, and after you used it with the Alpha Changeling, Sam started in on it. I think it’s tied up with that.”

“Maybe or maybe it’s just because the more my soul rebuilds, the stronger whatever it is that connects me to God is, and that’s why it’s worse now . . . well, that and the world is a pretty bad place right now . . . people are crying out for help and not getting any answers, so . . . that’s also probably why it’s worse now than it was before the outbreak.” Dean slumped a little.

“You really think it’s because you’ve –“

Dean cut himself off, and I laughed. “I’ve what? Got more soul?” He rolled his eyes, and I said, “Maybe . . . It’s just a theory. Another theory I have is that I just bring out the worst in people.”

Dean thought it through and said, “You mean like a reverse-Rachel? If she used the deadly sins against other people, other people use them against you? Like . . . Envy or Lust with the men in the bars . . . Sloth with Randy and his crew until it turned into envy . . . Pride with Sam . . . Greed with Bobby . . . ‘cause he wanted more of us . . . and all of them end in Wrath?” 

Not a bad a effort, but I still wasn’t sure that was it. “Could be . . . Maybe people are having a bad reaction to the new parts of my soul that are being built to replace what went into making Rachel if Cas said I’m making those parts the way I want them to be, and I don’t want them to be like her, but I don’t think that’s it . . . It could just be that the 7 deadly sins are the underlying reason for any and all evil actions . . . maybe I’m like a litmus test for the things people are weakest against . . . Metatron said being with God left a mark he could see . . . I don’t think it was just from being in God’s presence . . . maybe this mark is how the things that happen when I ask God for help happen, and maybe . . . just maybe this mark is the price I had to pay for being allowed to come down here. There is no such thing as getting something for nothing. Protecting the locations of the tablets is a service to the universe, but getting out of Heaven is another thing entirely.” 

Dean exhaled a frustrated laugh. “You know I used to think you must’ve made some kind of a deal to get down here . . . there’s no way you could get leverage on God. He’d just wipe you out . . . so this whatever it is . . . you were doing him a favor in exchange for letting you out, right?”

I shrugged. “I can’t give you a definitive answer . . . that just seems to be the way it feels.”

“Good enough for me . . . think you being fractured in there and shut off from your feelings is how you get around all the times your head has been fucked with . . . doesn’t change that it’s getting worse if the people from Rhode Island turned on you after we saved them.”

“Yeah, but it’s not all about me, Dean . . . People either become the best versions of themselves in times like these or they become the worst versions of themselves and do things they never would have done in civilized society . . . that’s why if it is getting worse, and we can see straight away that people are going to be a problem, I think it’s a useful tool for you. It allows you to see on the outside the kinds of things that lead to the dark marks I can see on their souls after they do those things.” 

“Can you really see souls?”

I shook my head. “No . . . I just know the bad things they’ve done . . . not like lying or stealing, but hurting people and murder . . . I picture it in my head, like our souls are round blue-ish white orbs and when people do evil things, it makes parts of the light die and go black . . . but that’s not really the way I see it. All I see is a person, but I usually think of them as a monster if they act like one.” 

Dean nodded before looking back over his shoulder at the people behind him. “Don’t look like they’re gonna revolt anymore. You think we could get started blowing stuff up with them here?”

“It’s probably better if we do. Then they can see we don’t really work for the monsters. We could even let some of them try out the tank my Dad brought or some of the RPGs?” 

Dean looked back at the people again and said, “No way. There’s way too many, and they’ll all want to do it . . . me and Rufus are taking out the sides with the RPGs. Then we’re switching off on the tank at the back, and you’re picking off the monsters that come out the front with your sniper rifle, just like we agreed. They’ll figure out which side we‘re on soon enough, and when they do, they’ll decide to stay . . . Think I might’ve found a scientist for the Colorado camp too. Can’t see her now, but I know I talked to one on the way out.”

A scientist? Finally. She could handle the training all these people would need if they wanted to work in the biotech facility, so I wouldn't have to spend a whole lot of time there . . . Max was going to train on security, and Ivan and Yuri could train them on the supernatural side of things. This camp should be fairly easy to start up. They might need us to go get lab supplies or equipment at first, but maybe they could even find a way to start making their own. 

We just had to kill these monsters off first. There were probably around 750 to 800 left after the ones Dean and I had killed. With all of them in one place like this, we couldn’t pass up the chance to take them out before they were able to spread all over the country the way the ones on the West Coast had. Being able to prevent something bad from happening again after so long of playing catch up and damage control was a pretty good feeling.


	45. Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is a time jump after the break.

“What are you doing out here, Dean?” Dean stopped walking and stuck his hand in his coat pocket, so he could reach for a plastic bottle. This had better not mean something had attacked the camp. He needed to get back to Sam, Rogue, and Cas. Sam was fucking right. He should’ve never left.

Turning, Dean splashed the Borax solution into its face and took a step back, but nothing happened. Shifter then. Dean pulled his silver knife, and Chuck sighed before flicking his wrist, and making Dean’s knife disappear. Shifters couldn’t do that. Neither could ghouls. Angel or demon . . . An angel needed permission, and he didn’t think Chuck would give it. He also didn’t think angels would take prophets as vessels. Demon it is then. He couldn’t kill it if it meant killing Chuck, but –

Chuck reached out the palm of his hand and said, “Hand over your holy water . . . I’ll drink it right now . . . put me in a devil’s trap. I’ll wait or . . . “ Chuck held up the amulet Sam had given Dean when they were kids and flipped it on somehow . . . Dean hadn’t seen that in a long time. Got rid of it . . . maybe after Sam killed Jo, or maybe it was –

“You remember what this was supposed to find, right Dean? I mean, you’re kind of stealing some of my thunder here if –“

“What the hell do you want me to say, Chuck?! Where the fuck you been? I know where you’ve been . . . You ready to do your job of fixing the planet? . . . You know, I knew . . . I knew God was on vacation, and it was my job to clean up his mess . . . Just didn’t know your vacation was you teaching start charts . . . if that’s your way of helping, then I guess you should go back to camp and get started on it then.”

Chuck put up one of his fingers and said, “Actually, that’s next week,” and Dean slumped before turning to get back to walking. “I can see you’re mad. Just let me –“

Dean turned back to look at Chuck and shook his head. “Why would I be mad, Chuck? It was only God that told my brother where Lilith was gonna be, so –“

“Well, I was supposed to tell you, but you suggested it to him.”

“Yeah, I did, and I wouldn’t change it. It was the only way to save her, but I own up to that . . . Why don’t you own up to the fact, that you didn’t have pick up the damn phone . . . You were there when those daevas attacked the camp, and you did nothing . . . You were there the day the outbreak started . . . spent all that time looking after Beth that you could’ve been out there stopping it . . . She was right. There can’t be more than one prophet at a time . . . I should’ve seen it. Probably why she hugged you the same way she did Cas way back when she first ‘met’ you. . . She remembered you from when she met you in Heaven . . . She just didn’t know that she did . . . still doesn’t . . . and you’re a freaking liar . . . we had a deal.”

Dean turned to start walking again, and Chuck said, “Michael was exercising his free will too . . . I had hoped it would manifest in a different way, but that’s the great thing about free will. I can’t always see the outcomes.”

“Yeah, Beth dying was great.”

“It was, wasn’t it . . . You two have never been stronger now that you’ve got a deal with Death.” 

Dean stopped and cocked his head to the side in annoyance, but refused to turn and look at Chuck. “What do you want, Chuck?”

“You look stressed, Dean.”

Yeah, about twice as stressed as he was 5 minutes ago, and he’d already been stressed. They destroyed Fort Knox and all of the monsters in it. They’d sent Rufus to go see Bobby, and Gabriel finally showed his face even though he’d been hovering around the last few days. Said he and Beth were taking the people to Colorado, and Dean could find his own way back to South Dakota. Then Gabriel made the tank blow up all the trucks outside the camp and then self-destruct. Dean had been walking the rest of the night, all day today, and all night so far looking for something he could drive.

“Guessing you’re not here to give me a lift back to camp, so what do you want Chuck?” Dean asked, finally turning to look at Chuck again.

“How does a vacation sound?”

“If you’re offering to give me one, it means you want something. I’ve just about had my fill of secret agendas for one lifetime.”

Dean turned to leave, and Chuck said, “What if I said, that just for hearing me out, I’ll put the Crowley-Leviathan back, so nobody ends up in Purgatory for a year. I just won’t do it right now. He is very efficient with getting rid of the croats. I’ll do it after you come back from your vacation.”

“We don’t need your help . . . we’ve-“

Chuck laughed. “You guys ask for my help all the time, and I give it.”

Dean faced Chuck again and said, “Yeah, but at what cost?”

“That’s between Beth and I.”

“Or just you. How can it be between the two of you if she doesn’t remember?”

“She will when the time is right. So, that’s a ‘no’ on putting the Crowley-Leviathan back?” 

They’d still have to kill the Alpha vamp and stop his army, but they wouldn’t have to waste time getting his blood or go digging around Hell to find the new leader there . . . they did need to find that out though. It was just good to know those things. If the Leviathan made a move on any of their camps it could be a real problem. They needed to start stocking up on Borax . . . see if they could find fire engines . . . mix up the batches in those and spray the Leviathan down with hoses from the gates . . . even make a moat of the stuff around the walls in Wisconsin now that it was getting warmer, and the hunters could go out and pick the Leviathan off with machetes . . . It’d work, but they might lose people . . . The main Leviathan in charge is the only one who would be able to coordinate a strike . . . but the Leviathan in charge was also holding off on any attacks like that . . . or he was until Eve was gone, and she was gone now.

“You said you’d do it if I heard you out, but . . . then you said you wouldn’t put him back until after my vacation. Either you’re sure I’ll take you up on it, or if I don’t agree to go on your damn vacation because I’ve got too many other things to be doing, you won’t do it even if I hear you out.”

Chuck didn’t say anything, so Dean probably had it figured the right way, so he shook his head and turned to leave again. “I need your help.” That he was not expecting.

Turning towards Chuck, Dean waited for him to explain. Maybe it was stupid of him, but he did like Chuck, and this didn’t really change that . . . He was just really pissed at him right now. “Is there a reason why you’ve gone with us to every camp we’ve lived in?” 

“You’re the last stand for humanity. I don’t mean humans as a species . . . I mean humanity. Charity, goodness, kindness, resilience, strength, patience, protectors of the innocent and destroyers of evil, love . . . forgiveness . . . You and your family . . . the children you are trying to raise with those ideals . . . How could I not be there to witness you preserve it in any way you can.”

“Why did you let this happen?”

“Because there are worse things coming, and I needed to see if you could succeed, and you have.”

 _Worse things coming?_ “Does Beth know what these are?” Chuck took a step back, like he didn’t want to talk about that, so Dean said, “I mean is that why she agreed to do whatever it is she agreed to do to get down here?”

Chuck sighed before saying, “She’s the one who came to me with the solution . . . maybe I left her clues to lead her in the right direction, but it was all her idea.”

“This vacation isn’t a vacation is it? It’s another . . . test, like destroying this world was?” Chuck’s eyebrows arched in a way that suggested, yeah, but he couldn’t say that. “How long is this vacation?”

“Don’t you want to know where I want to send you?”

“Rather know how long I’m going to be gone from my daughter, or can I bring her with me?”

Crossing his arms across his chest, Chuck rocked back on his heels, while he thought about it. “I don’t think she should come with you this time, but at the end of it, I’ll ask you and your entire family, including Rogue, to go on a mission. You can accept or decline.”

“How long?”

“2 weeks sound all right?”

“Who’s going with me?”

“I’ll ask your family, and they can make their own minds up, but I’m not telling them what you’ve decided, so they aren’t influenced by your choices, and you’re deciding for Beth.”

“Doesn’t seem right to make a decision like that without her.”

“I have my reasons.”

Well, he could tell by that look, he wasn’t going to get any answers on it. “Where?”

Chuck smiled and said, “I knew that was coming . . . Here’s the best part. I’m going to let you and Beth have a chance to see what life would have been like if Gabriel hadn’t moved her after the two of you met when you were teenagers. It’ll be a life similar to the one my son created for Beth. All choices are 100% up to you and the consequences are real, just like real life. It could go in countless directions, just like real life. It feels real, because it is real.”

“For two weeks?”

“Well, it won’t feel like 2 weeks. You’ll finally understand what she means when she says that the life Gabriel gave her during those 4 months felt like a full 35 years.”

“So, you’re giving us a 35 year vacation?”

“How about we say from the time you were 17 until . . . when you’re deal was supposed to come due.”

13 years? He’d always wondered what it would’ve been like with her back then . . . how she would’ve made things better for him. And it was a chance to start over without all the problems. “But we’re good right now. You even said it yourself. Why would you think that’s a vacation we need?”

Chuck didn’t say anything, so Dean answered his own question for him. “This about the test thing or –“

“Test. Training . . . whatever you want to call it.” 

“So, you really think we’ll sign on for this mission when we’re done?”

“Honestly, I don’t know if you will, but I hope you do, because like I said, I need your help, and out of all the Dean Winchesters out there, you’re the only one that’s suitably qualified.”

“So, Gabriel was right . . . about there being different timelines out there?” 

“Mm-hmm.”

“And me and Beth don’t have to be hunters in this other timeline . . . we can do whatever we want?”

“Yep.”

That’d be kind of awesome. “If you’re serious about there being something worse coming down the line, then I’ll agree, but –“

\------

The next thing Dean knew, he had that corn syrup crap she dropped on the rest of the prom all over his fucking suit. Fuck. He really liked her, but this . . . it pretty much let him know exactly what she thought of him, and he hated his life and everything about it. Maybe she’d really wanted him to stay with the rest of the losers at the prom, but he’d followed her, so she had to make him like her as a back-up plan, and now – 

He looked up and . . . Security cameras? Forgot about those. She could’ve given him fair warning, but that smile . . . He liked her smile . . . She did say if he came with her he’d probably mess up his suit. Ruining it was worth it if she really wanted to see him again on Monday. 

Then she just climbed back in through her window without a look back. She played cool better than any other girl he’d ever met, and it was because she wasn’t trying to play cool. She lived in her own little world . . . one he wanted to be a part of as long as she’d let him.

When he got back to the motel, the first thing out of Sam’s mouth was, “Thought you were gonna be gone all night. Strike out?” When Dean didn’t say anything, Sam looked up from his book, saw Dean’s shirt, and was off the bed in seconds. “Who did this to you? Did they jump you or –“ 

“I’m good, Sammy. There was this girl there . . . met her under the bleachers and –“ 

Sam turned away from him as soon as he saw that the corn syrup wasn’t blood and said, “I don’t want to hear what you and one of your dates did under the –“ 

Dean looked down at his shirt and smiled saying, “Wasn’t one of my dates. She destroyed the gym . . . the prom . . . pulled off a reverse-Carrie . . . you know where the mean girls get it instead of one of the quiet girls. I spent the rest of the night with her . . . think it was the best time I’ve ever had with anyone that wasn’t you,” before he headed in to take a shower and change his clothes

By the time Dean got back out, Sam was ready with more questions. Sam always asked tons of questions. “She really caused that kind of destruction to school property?” 

Laying down on his bed and crossing his arms under his head, Dean grinned and said, “Yeah . . . she did. It was –“ 

Sam shook his head. “No wonder you like her. She’s gonna get caught. They’d better not think you had anything to do with it, because if Dad finds out –“ 

Dean turned his head to look at Sam and cut him off. “She won’t get caught. She cut the security feeds in the school. If she did that, she probably made sure the recordings were erased far enough back not to catch her breaking into the office . . . It was perfect.”

Sam shook his head in disagreement and sat with his back against the wall. “They’ll have some idea of who it was. There’s always –“ 

“That’s the best part. She’s been here less time than we have. Got here two days ago.” 

Sam, looking disappointed, said, “Why would somebody destroy a school like that? The rest of us still have to go there. It won’t be cleaned up by Monday if it’s that sticky crap that’s all over your shirt.” 

Dean didn’t care how long it took them to clean up. “School’s almost out. They have all summer to clean it up, and she had her reasons . . . Who cares what happened to the school? It’s not like you have gym this semester anyway.” 

Sighing in disgust, Sam grabbed his book again. “That’s not the point. Watch and see. She’ll get caught and then you can go visit her behind bars . . . if she didn’t land you there too. I want to meet her when she comes by here tomorrow.” 

Dean thought it’d be kind of hot if he had to go visit her in juvie, but she wouldn’t get caught, and even if she did, her Dad was a lawyer, so he’d sort it out somehow. “Not seeing her tomorrow . . . said she’d see me on Monday. She wants to lay low over the weekend . . . You can’t tell anyone about it, Sam.” Sam glanced at him and gave him a nod. Sam wouldn’t do anything to break his trust, but Sam was definitely going to give her a hard time when they met. 

When Dean got to school on Monday, all anyone was talking about was what happened Friday night . . . a little like they were before the prom, but for entirely different reasons, and he didn’t mind hearing about it this time. Felt like another secret he had to keep from these kids, just like with hunting, but this time he was keeping it for somebody else. 

There were rumors flying all over the place. 90% of the kids thought it was a rival school in the next county over until those girls she dumped the bucket loads of corn syrup on found pictures of themselves with notes on the back saying that how they felt in that moment was the way they made some people feel every single minute of every day, but nobody else ever did anything about it until now. They found them in their backpacks instead of their lockers. 

He wondered how she pulled that one off. He also wondered where she was, because the day was almost over, and he hadn’t seen her once. She had to be here. Those pictures wouldn’t have gotten in those backpacks if she weren’t. He wondered if she’d seen him. Why didn’t she talk to him? Maybe she was just being cautious? He didn’t even know her name, so he couldn’t ask if anyone else had seen her. She was into science, so he kept checking the hall where those classes were. No sign of her . . . and that was the final bell. 

Dean decided to see if he could catch her leaving out the front and met up with Sam outside. When Sam saw him, the first thing he said was, “You weren’t kidding about the gym. A few of us snuck in and had a look. The place was destroyed.” Dean glanced at him and wondered if he should have another word with him about keeping his mouth shut until Sam added, “And then I heard about the pictures and who got them, and I knew straight away who she meant when she wrote they made some people feel like that every day . . . a lot of other kids did too, and I thought . . . we don’t stay in one place for very long, but those girls . . . they’ve probably been here their whole lives and never once had anyone stand up for them. I can see why it was intended for everyone there on Friday night. They were all complicit in it.” 

Dean grinned and said, “Complicit? That one of your vocabulary words this week?” 

Sam rolled his eyes. “Why are we standing here? I’ve got some homework and then I was thinking of going out with a couple of kids in my English class for pizza tonight. I’ll be back by 9.” 

Dean would love for Sam to be able to go out with people tonight, but they didn’t really have money for something like that. Stuff like this was important to Sam though. Pulling out his wallet, Dean looked through it before he handed Sam a 20 and told him to go wild. He’d have to find somewhere he could get in on a poker game to boost their funds.

Heading for his car, Dean threw one more look back at the school and though that maybe he’d drive by her house later and see if she was there. “So, this girl . . . when am I meeting her?” 

Dean almost ignored it but said, “Why do you keep asking to meet her? I never let you meet any other –“ 

“Never heard you talk about one this much either. It’s been non-stop all weekend.” It hadn’t been non-stop. He’d barely mentioned her. Sam’s grin got bigger when he got in the passenger seat. “You didn’t see her today. That’s why we stood there for so long. You were waiting for her.” 

“Shut up. I’ll just catch her tomorrow.” 

Sam shook his head and looked out the passenger-side window with a big smile, and said, “Yeah, right. I bet you’re planning on stalking her and going over to her house uninvited later. I wonder what –“ before he cut himself off. “Was she a little taller than me . . . dark brown hair . . . kind of –“ 

Dean gave Sam a glare and said, “I wasn’t gonna stalk her. Just thought I’d check up on her. Make sure things . . . wait what?” 

Sam pointed out the window. “Looks like I was right. She must’ve gotten caught . . . Is that her Dad talking to the principal?” 

Dean looked where Sam was pointing, and there she was. “Yeah, that’s her . . . no way she got caught . . . not unless her Dad turned her in because she let me see her.” 

Sam gave him a confused look, so Dean explained about how she had a curfew, because she got caught blowing up the neighbor’s garage. Her Dad didn’t care that she did it, just that she got caught. Sam shook his head and muttered, “Lawyers,” and Dean thought that was even funnier than it should’ve been for some reason. 

Keeping his eyes glued to her, as her Dad shook the principle’s hand, Sam said, “She doesn’t look like a . . . I don’t know . . . troublemaker or even your type the way I pictured.” 

_My type? What the hell does that mean?_

“She doesn’t look like she’s in trouble with her Dad anyway,” Sam, added oblivious to the look Dean gave him. 

“Go find out what that was about. Ask the principal something . . . I don’t know . . . say you need someone to tutor you in science, and you heard she was good . . . something like that.” Before Sam could argue with him, Dean leaned across Sam and opened the passenger side door . . . Or he thought it was before Sam could argue with him, but Sam just sat there and was going to do it anyway, so Dean held out his hand and said, “Give me back that 20.” 

Sam sighed and got out of the car muttering that he didn’t need to be tutored in anything. His grades were just fine. “You were only getting a B in Biology at the last school. Thought you wanted an A in everything.” Dean grinned when Sam stuck his middle finger up at him before slamming the door shut and turning to walk back towards the school. 

He came back maybe 20 minutes later, and the first thing he said when he got in the car was, “I think you should let this one go. She’s definitely not your type.” 

Dean glared at him and yelled, “Why the hell do you keep saying that?” 

Sam looked out the windshield while he slowly exhaled. “You were right about me being able to get lessons off of her. She’s signed up for every AP class offered by the school: Spanish, World History, Calculus, Biology, Chemistry, Physics, English, and she was acing all of them in her last school.” 

“I already know she’s smart, Sam. School’s too easy for her. She thinks it’s boring.” 

“All those classes she’s taking are senior AP classes . . . That means by the end of this year, she’ll be done, and if she passes those AP exams well enough, she’ll be finished with the first year of college. It’s too easy for her, because she shouldn’t even be here. She should’ve gone to college when she was my age. The principal told her Dad that after he checked her standardized test scores going all the way back to when she was a little kid, but her Dad said he wanted her to get socialized the way everyone else does. I don’t think you know how smart she really is.” 

“I’m not letting this one go, Sam. I already know how smart she is . . . it’s one of the things I like about her. Means she’s like us. She doesn’t fit in here. You know she broke into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame when she was 14? She’s just doing the school thing until she finds something –“ 

“You can’t seriously be thinking about telling her what we do. You can’t bring her in on it with us. Dad’ll never go for it.” Dean ignored it and put the car into drive. “Dean, tell me that’s not what –“ 

“Haven’t decided yet. I only got to spend a couple of hours with her, but I do know I’m not leaving her here, so either she comes with us or we’re –“ 

“Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds? I am definitely meeting her, and I’m doing it before you see her again. Take me to their house. The principal already called her Dad and set up my first session with her. It’s supposed to be in half an hour. I was going to give it a miss, but I’m not now.” 

Dean laughed. “If you think I’m going to –“ 

“Yeah, you are. Unless you want me to tell Dad – “ 

“Tell Dad what? That I –“ 

“If she’s that smart, maybe she dabbles in witchcraft . . . maybe she put a spell on your or –“ 

Dean glared at him and growled out, “So, help me God, Sam. If you do anything to put Dad on her trail . . . “ 

Sam took a deep breath and looked out the window before saying, “Take me to her house. That’s non-negotiable. It’s my job to look out for you when Dad’s not here.” 

Dean shook his head in annoyance. “Think you have that the wrong way around, and I don’t need you to look out for me . . . Trust me. She’s –“ 

“If you’re so sure, then why don’t you want me to meet her?” 

_Because I want Sam to like her, and if Sam goes in there like this, everything she does will seem suspicious. That and . . ._ “I don’t want my geeky little brother to . . . it’ll look like I . . . I already followed her around all night like some kind of a loser . . . I don’t –“ 

“I’ll be discreet . . . And if I think she can come around, I’ll just –“ 

_For fuck’s sake._ “I’m not having my little brother vetting who I see. I’ll see her again whenever I want, but if it gets you shut up about it, fine. Tell her you’re my brother. Be worse if you lied about it. I’ll just tell her you wouldn’t stop being a pain in the ass about it the next time I see her. She’ll probably get how annoying you are 10 minutes after she meets you.”


	46. Better First Impressions

I was getting out developer, stop bath, and fixer when there was a knock on my bedroom door. My Dad wouldn’t have knocked. He would’ve just walked in . . . not into the dark room once the sign up, but definitely into my room. _I should go see who it is._ I left my walk-in closet that’d been converted into a dark room and pulled my door bedroom open. _Who are you?_ I don’t know who I was expecting. Well . . . I had an idea of who I wanted it to be. It wasn’t this kid. “Uh, hey . . . you lost?” 

He looked like he wasn’t expecting me to say that. These introductions were going swimmingly. He looked around the doorframe and said, “Your Dad told me where your room was.” 

_He did?_

The kid finally looked at me and must’ve figured out I had no idea what he was talking about, because he said, “I’m getting a B in Biology. I want an A. The principal seemed to think you could help me with that.” 

_Does that mean the principal is going to start sending every kid that wants help with school my way?_ My Dad would encourage something like that. He was probably thinking of a way to flyer it around the neighborhood at this very moment in the hopes that he could keep me out of trouble by keeping me occupied. 

Pulling the door open further to let him in, I said, “Yeah, sure. You’re in . . . 8th or 9th grade?” He hadn’t hit his growth spurt yet, so he could’ve been in either one. 

He glanced at me as he walked passed. “8th.” 

_8th grade . . . What the hell do 8th graders learn again?_ “Photosynthesis, meiosis, mitosis, that kind of thing?” I asked while he had a look around my room. 

He paused to look at some of the books in my bookcase before he went back to snooping around elsewhere and answered, “Cell biology and photosynthesis are the two I think I could use the most help with right now.” He found a book that seemed to interest him, because he picked it up off my desk and held it up for me to see. “Native American lore?” 

I just got it from the library this morning. “Yeah, I heard some stuff recently. Thought I might look into it a little.” 

I grabbed for it, but he pulled it away and said, “What’d you hear?” 

I finally swiped it back from him and exhaled an annoyed breath. “Just some things on wendigos.” 

He shook his head, like he thought someone was an idiot. “Let me guess . . . My brother told you about them?” 

_Uhhh . . . That’s not embarrassing at all._ I took the book over to my nightstand to put it somewhere far away from him, and then went over to get a spare chair out of the corner and said, “I’m guessing you’re talking about the guy I met under the bleachers the other night . . . which must make you Sam. He said you were smart. Did he send you, or do you really need a lesson?” 

He looked at the chair in my hand and said, “He didn’t want me to come, and whether I need a lesson depends on a few questions I have.” 

_Uh, you’re the one that came to me for help, kid._ “He said he tells you everything . . . What I did the other night probably put a black mark against my name as far as tutors go. Do me a favour and don’t mention that you know to my Dad.” _Who am I kidding? He’s probably out there right now listening._

I put the chair down and indicated for the kid to sit while I took a seat on my own chair and waited for something to happen. _Well, this is awkward. Why isn’t he saying anything? Maybe I’m supposed to say something first?_ “It’s probably a good thing if you do an interview. I’ve never tutored anybody . . . I’m not really prepared for it now, but I could have a lesson ready for tomorrow. How long do we have? I’ll need a look at your textbook, so I can see exactly what you’re learning before I give you my pitch.” When he didn’t do anything, I held my hand out for the book, and that’s what finally forced him to reluctantly reach into his backpack and hand it over.

Flipping through it, I asked if it was okay if I gave him homework. When he didn’t answer after a full 30 seconds, I looked up and saw him looking towards my dark room. “That’s where you were before I knocked. What’s in there?” 

_What’s he have, x-ray vision?_ I went back to trying to find the pages on photosynthesis and answered, “My dark room.” That seemed to grab his interest. 

“That’s how you got the pictures without anyone in a photo lab seeing them. Mind if I have a look?” I didn’t mind, so I told him to go ahead while I marked the pages I needed on photosynthesis with some pieces of paper I tore up. When that was done, I started looking for the pages on cell biology. 

_How much help does he need on cell biology? There’s a lot of it, especially if you take into account bacterial and fungal cell biology. There isn’t much time left before finals. I guess he has a B, so he must have a pretty good grasp of it, but there’s a big difference between a B- and B+ level of understanding._

He came back maybe 10 minutes later. “You were going to develop something before I got here? Mind if I watch you do it?” 

_He doesn’t really think he needs my help. His brother doesn’t want him here . . . He’s checking me out for himself. Is this like some kind of a test I have to pass if I want to get his approval? Does that mean his brother actually has an interest?_

“Yeah, sure . . . after you tell me what parts of cell biology you don’t understand. There’s a lot of it. If you have a B, I don’t think you’ll need me to go over everything. After we come up with a lesson plan for you, I’ll show you.” 

He came back over to his chair and said, “I understand eukaryotes. I just don’t have as much of an interest in the prokaryotes.” I understood that. We’re eukaryotes. Easier to find an interest in something you are than something you’re not, and the same thing applied with plants and photosynthesis. 

I flipped through the pages on prokaryotes and marked them before I scribbled down some ideas and got lost in it for a couple of minutes until I glanced at him, and he was studying me. He covered for it by asking, “Why do you have a poster for pixies?” 

Good question. Anything else would’ve made me feel uncomfortable at being scrutinized. I glanced back at the poster behind me at the wall and said, “They’re a band out of Boston. They got started around 1986. They’ve influenced a lot of bands, like Weezer and Nirvana. I like their bassist . . . Kim Deal. She oozes cool. Their Doolittle Album is probably in my top 3 favorite albums of all time as of right now, and I express that by having one of their posters on my wall.” 

He wasn’t giving much away until I said why I had it on my wall, and then he almost laughed. “So, it doesn’t have anything to do with actual pixies?” 

I smiled. “No . . . I was never a fan of Tinker Bell. Do you know of any good books I could read on brownies, sprites and fairies . . . the kind of pixie I assume you mean? You guys have an interesting fascination with mythology.” 

He looked uncomfortable at my reaction, so I quickly tried to put him at ease. “I say interesting, not because I think it’s weird. I mean I actually think it’s interesting. I have a thing for history, so hearing about mythologies from different cultures is something I like . . . It’s why I got that book on Native American lore. You’re brother seemed excited by it, so it got me curious. That book was hard enough to find, and I thought it might cut out some of the time it might take me to find decent books on fairies if I just had you tell me a few top quality ones I should check out. You can quiz me on it . . . kind of a quid pro quo if I’m going to be doing the same thing for you with Biology. We could see who does better at learning the material.” 

He relaxed and picked at a sticker for Joy Division I had plastered on my desk. “Maybe . . . if you make it past the interview stage. So, you’re not into witches . . . magic . . . anything like that?” 

His brother was talking about witches the other night, among other things. “I take you don’t mean Wicca . . . Your brother said he’d read somewhere that real witches were disgusting . . . something about spewing body fluids everywhere. I think what was perpetrated on women and men in Europe starting in the 14th century during the witch trials was primarily a political tool by the Church and leaders at the time to keep the people under their thumb through fear and to silence any opposition. And the masses ate it up . . . Look at what happened on this continent with the Salem witch trials . . . People turned to those beliefs to explain something that could otherwise have been explained by science, and it led to mass hysteria and ultmimately one man’s death . . . but yeah, even the good . . . acceptable ‘white magic’ like the witch cakes they used in Salem to try and identify the witches was pretty disgusting, so your brother was right about that. Making cakes with the girls’ urine and feeding it to dogs . . . that’s just gross and wrong on so many levels.” 

He sat back and relaxed a little more before he said, “He sure told you a lot about his . . . hobbies.” His brother had been kind of a nerdy awkward most of the night, which I liked a lot, because every time I’d seen him at school before that, he’d been playing someone completely different, but what I’d really liked was that he was that passionate about something. 

“Yeah, he did most of the talking. He’s interesting, so I listened.” 

“And decided to research it?” 

I shrugged. “That’s what I do when I find something interesting.” 

He grinned and said, “Like my brother.” 

Sighing, I looked back down at my notes and said, “Have we made it past the interview stage and are onto the annoying little brother stage now?” 

He grinned wider and looked at his watch. “My brother thought it’d only take you 10 minutes to figure that out. I’m looking forward to telling him he was wrong. It took 25.” 

We got through my lesson plan for him after that, and he actually said he’d do the homework I gave him. As promised, after we were done with that, I showed him my dark room. 

“What are you going to develop?”

“Can’t spoil it . . . thought you wanted to watch me do it,” I answered while searching for some photo paper. 

“I told my brother to pick me up soon. I don’t think he’ll want to wait, and I have plans tonight.” 

_That’s where the photo paper went._ “Plans, like the homework I gave you?” 

He laughed. “Yeah . . . and my school work and I was going to go out for pizza with a couple of kids in my English class.” I glanced at the clock on the wall. I guess it was almost 5. 

“I’ll give you a photograph tomorrow. Just don’t let anyone see it, or they might put two and two together with the other pictures I developed. If they do, I’ll tell you the same thing I told your brother. Give me up. There’s no reason for anyone else to get in trouble for something I did.” 

He didn’t say anything, so I looked at him again, and whatever he was thinking, he decided not to say it and went with, “How are you going to get all of your homework done, get ready for whatever you have planned for me tomorrow, and develop pictures? You have to have a lot of homework if you’re in as many AP classes as the principal said.” 

“I already did my homework. I went to my classes and got the assignments before I hung out in the library all day. It’s why the principal started looking into my school records and wanted to talk to my Dad. At first he was pissed off, because he thought I was skipping class . . . Then my Dad talked to him, and they worked something out the way my Dad usually does. I don’t get in trouble for being truant, because I’m technically at school, and the principal thinks he can use it as a way to study me . . . or I’m guessing that’s what he’s going to do. I expect him to keep bothering me by coming up with excuses to see what I’m working on. At least that’s what my Dad told me to expect.” 

“The principal said your Dad wants you to go through school, so you can learn how to be socialized with other kids. How can you do that if you spend all your time in the library?” 

I shrugged. School mostly gave me somewhere to go during the day. “I don’t know. Kids use the library, and there’s a lot you can pick up hanging out in one. I use my locker. I eat lunch in the cafeteria. I bump into other people that way.” 

“That’s not really socialization though. You have to talk to people to do that.” 

_Come on. It’s not like I never talk to people._ “I ran into your brother and talked to him. Now I’m talking to you. I used to socialize with kids the way you mean by immersing myself in student culture, but we move around all the time. I used to get to know people, and then we had to leave . . . or . . . I had problems with other kids. They thought I was weird straight away, and all I could do was look forward to the next place where I could start over again. I sat in on a college class once when I was around your age. My Dad wanted me to try it out. They treated me like a pet . . . a novelty . . . a mascot or something, and I hated it. This is better for me.” 

He looked down for a few seconds before he said, “Hey, you think maybe if you talked to the principal, you could teach me this stuff during my class instead?” 

_And have half the school start flocking to me, so they could get out of class? No way._ I shook my head. “I could, but I doubt your teacher would like it . . . What if it makes your teacher feel inadequate?” 

He smiled and said, “Maybe my teacher is inadequate. Besides, you shouldn’t be there on your own all day.” 

_What a sweet kid._ I thought about the best way to answer that, so it didn’t come out, like I was being ungrateful. “Your teacher is the one that still has to grade things for you. What if he or she takes offense at you wanting to be taught by someone else? I’d say your grades mean something to you if you want to bump a B up to an A . . . It probably means you’re getting A’s in everything else. Don’t jeopardize that to keep me company for an hour. Maybe I’ll meet you for lunch tomorrow instead. I can go pretty much whenever I want.” 

He laughed. “You, hanging out with a bunch of 8th graders? If people didn’t think you were weird before that, they would after that.” 

_So what?_ “I don’t really care what the people in this school think.” 

“Except for my brother . . . save your lunch tomorrow for him. He was looking for you all day today, because you said you’d see him on Monday.” 

Oh. He was really good at slipping that kind of thing in and making me feel flustered, so I decided to turn it around on him. “It’s still Monday. Maybe I’ll just go with you when he picks you up and finish this later.” 

That put him on the back foot. “What about your lesson for me? That’ll take time for you to prepare, so –“

 _Nice try._ “8 hours is a long time to do homework. I think I’ll be able to get my homework and a lesson for you done in that amount of time. Is there a reason you don’t want me to –““No . . . just be careful with my brother. I think he’s great, but we don’t stay in one place for very long either, so he doesn’t know how to treat girls. Spending time with him at lunch is one thing . . . maybe I’ll just cancel my plans for tonight. I didn’t commit to going.” 

“You want to chaperone?” 

He looked dead serious when he nodded, which I found funny. “We’re friends. He needs more friends. I think he might as well be like me in those libraries I go to from town to town, bumping into people and never really getting to know anyone, except for him it’s the entire school . . . Plus, he’s good at thinking on his feet. I have the feeling I could put him through his paces, and he’d be able to keep up.” 

Sam sighed and said, “You’re clueless . . . that or you’re in denial, but I can see why he likes you. I think maybe you’re more alike than I thought. Maybe I need to chaperone to keep him out of trouble as much as I do you.” Should be an interesting night.


	47. Outcome Seems Uncertain

“Wait, I’m sorry . . . I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this.” Sam turned his back on Chuck, and Cas said, “He’s God . . . Now I can finally prove to Beth that God is a he,” and Sam didn’t know whether to laugh or roll his eyes. 

“That’s all you have to say about it? What about the world –“

“Uh, not to point fingers Sam, but that was mostly you.” 

Sam threw Chuck a look before he went back to focusing on Cas. “He’s been living with you guys for over 2 years . . . not even you knew he was God, and –“ 

Cas shrugged before he looked over at Chuck. “And he’s been a leader in our camps that entire time. He’s still on the council. When we lived in Wisconsin, Dean and Beth had a room to themselves, Adam had a room to himself, and the only other person who had a room to himself was Chuck . . . That says something about how Dean valued him as an individual and not a God . . . Given my current situation, I believe I understand why he would wish see what has happened from the human perspective . . . And he still helped us as God without us knowing. We should be thanking him for saving Beth after you tried to kill her in that hotel bathroom and for what he did at the Devil’s Gate in Wyoming when you tried to kill she and Dean and in Las Vegas when you tried to kill Dean and Nova Scotia and for helping Beth in the woods in Wisconsin and for helping she and Gabriel set things right in Kansas . . . and for killing Crowley . . . and for saving she and Dean in Heaven’s civil war.” Cas paused and then looked at Chuck. “I did not piss on Beth’s soul no matter what Gabriel says . . . I am just disgusted with angels and do not want to be one right now.”

“Yeah, thanks for reminding him of all the crappy things I did, Cas.”

Chuck laughed a laugh that didn’t really hold much humor. “Oh, Sam . . . I was there for all of it . . . I’m still not sure what I’m going to do with you.”

 _That’s just freaking great._ Sam took a deep breath to calm down and said, “Why are you telling us who you really are now?”

“I’m considering sending Dean and Beth on a training exercise. They’re already out of the camp, so nobody here would be the wiser.”

But they still had important things to be doing other than going on training exercises. “What about the vamp army on the East Coast?” 

Chuck sat back in his chair and put his feet up on his desk. “Don’t pretend like once that’s finished, you aren’t planning on harping Dean into staying here, while you dilly dally around trying to find the new Queen of Hell, whose blood you need to get rid of my head Leviathan . . . I’ll put him back in Purgatory myself, so none of you have to worry about being sent there.”

“So, if they go on this training exercise, and come back and all they have to deal with is the vamp army and New Orleans, and they can retire?”

Chuck laughed again without any humor. “Sam, they’ll never totally retire . . . but Dean’s compromise with the kids will be a lot easier to keep . . . after they come back from a mission I’m going to ask them to do if they decide to train for it.”

 _A mission?_ “What kind of a mission?”

“One that could save everything.”

“Everything? You mean it’ll go back in the past and –“

“No, I mean everything . . . can’t explain it now . . . More will be explained when I ask if you want to go on the same mission. But to go on the mission, you should train if you want to make it back. And the training is not something to be taken lightly. I’ll keep teaching your classes. Kevin can keep up on Beth’s classes. Things here will be fine.”

“Well, if we’re all training, what about Rogue?”

“She’ll be here.”

Cas spoke up and said, “What kind of training is involved?”

“Changing fate with blinders on . . . keeping Dean from dying and going to Hell at the end of it.”

 _No. Dean would never agree to that._ “What happens if they can’t do it?” 

Chuck glanced at Sam and said, “Then he’ll die in the training simulation, the simulation will end, and he won’t come back.”

“So, they finally have a chance to have a decent life, and you’re going to try and convince them to kill themselves off?”

“No, I expect them to find a way to survive, Sam, that’s why it’s training exercise, not a suicide mission . . . If they accept.”

Cas spoke up again and said, “And the mission after? It must be even more difficult if that’s what the training involves.” 

Sam shook his head. “Dean would never agree to that . . . He wouldn’t put Beth at risk like that, and he’d never –“

Chuck stopped him by saying, “Didn’t he already die and leave Rogue with you?”

Sighing, Sam said, “Yeah, but he won’t make that mistake again. He wouldn’t trust me to raise her after what I did before Christmas.”

Chuck looked like he thought that was a probably true before he looked at Cas and said, “But you’re not her godfather, are you, Sam? Castiel is . . . It’s his responsibility to raise her if something happens to them . . . and now he’s human, so he’d have a better understanding of how to do that than when he was an angel.”

Sam looked at Cas, and something in Cas’s face told him that Cas hadn’t thought of that, but definitely agreed with Chuck on him being able to do it now in a way he couldn’t when he’d had his grace.

“That’s all fine and good, but . . . it still doesn’t change that Dean wouldn’t agree to this. If Beth dies with him, and goes where he goes, then he’d never agree to it . . . not after everything he went through to bring her back . . . wait, if she can’t die, does that mean he can’t . . . like he’s tethered to her in life and death, right?”

Chuck crossed his arms over his chest and said, “I fully expect her soul to be restored by the end of the training exercise if Dean chooses to accept.”

“Are you kidding me? Dean is finally in a good place with her, and now you want to throw a wrench in the works by –“

Cas cut him off. “It was never about her not dying, Sam. It was about him being able to go with her when she does . . . With her soul incomplete, he couldn’t . . . or shouldn’t have been able to go with her, but he found a way to do that and fixed the problem.”

“Well, her being dragged to Hell with Dean doesn’t exactly sound like something he’ll want to happen . . . Where is he?” Sam finally asked turning to look at Chuck again.

“Gabriel told him to find his own way home from Kentucky.”

“Why are we just now hearing about this?”

Chuck gave Sam a look that said Sam was trying his patience. “You can either spend 2 weeks trying to find him if you think he’s here, or you can spend 2 weeks training and helping him out of –“

“Will I remember any of this life, or will it be –“

“Blinders Sam . . . you won’t remember this life at all, but there are things that can’t be erased, like the dark marks on your soul . . . you wouldn’t remember why you shouldn’t give into them.”

“So I could go dark side again?”

“It’s a possibility.”

“But the only way to do this mission after the training is to do the training?” 

Chuck shook his head. “No, the best way to survive the mission is to go through the training. Once the training is over, you'll have time to decide if you want to do the mission . . . I could send you all to the vampire army if you want to make up for lost time.”

So, one second he might be watching Dean be dragged to Hell by hellhounds again and the next he could be facing a vampire army without ever seeing Dean again? “Have you gone to Dean yet?” 

“What each of you decide must be your own decision. You can’t influence one another, so Castiel shouldn’t know what you’re going to do, and you shouldn’t know what he’s going to do. Neither of you should know what Dean is going to do . . . I’ll need a decision before you leave this cabin.”

A second later, there was nothing but a blank space next to Sam where Cas used to be. This really seemed to be happening, and he honestly had no idea, which way Cas went with it. Maybe Cas decided to stay here and take care of Rogue, or maybe Cas went on this training exercise, but Dean didn’t, and now Cas was there without any back up. What if Sam agreed to it, but when he got there, nobody else was there? What if he stayed here, and everyone else was there, and the last time he saw Dean was after they killed Eve? He honestly had no idea what to do.


End file.
